Questions bipolar version #10

I'm not precisely sure, but aging has helped me worry less about what others think of me. I used to be a real people pleaser, which seemed to make my self-esteem plummet. I have, however, become a more thoughtful person as I've aged because I don't want to become a "people pisser offer" after having been a people pleaser for so long. So, I guess, getting older has made me stronger in that sense...even if I sometimes look in the mirror & see an unfamiliar old man gazing back!

Projecting into the future, what kind of person do you see yourself becoming when you get much older? Explain.

Love this question, tough but worth the thought from time to time.

It often changes for me. Island man vs wise people person. I'm an introvert, but can get on fine with others once I have a good grasp on what the situation is.. I feel uncomfortable when I don't know what's going around in my environment.


I'd like to be something like a role model. But when not keeping my composure for the betterment of others (and me), I'll need like a helicopter or something to have a break from that ****

Q: what is your favorite childhood memory? Or do you have more than one?

I have several. But perhaps the two that stand out the most is of me, my pony and my dog taking trips together. We lived out in the country and summer was a time to be gone from breakfast to supper. My second favorite memories are of being up at the cabin up north with various cousins, we played cards and board games all day interspersed with swimming.

What is your favorite childhood memory?

Creating a vast and detailed fantasy world that encompassed my family's large farm and most of my grandparents farm. (They lived close.) When I started school, school figured into it as well. Good way of dealing with the boredom of living on a (relatively) isolated farm. Nearest kid my age was well out of walking or biking distance, so I had to entertain myself a lot.

Do you sometimes feel like you've wasted too much time?

Yes, and I think it's true, but I also acknowledge when time/patience is needed for things. Rushing into stuff is also something I've done.

Name an action or direction you've taken in your life that was/is for the best.

I'm going to sound like I drank the Kool-Aid, but making the decision to go to AA is the most important action/decision I have made. My drinking was WAY out of control when I made that decision...blackouts, screwing up relationships with loved ones and friends because of things I said or did when I was drunk, etc. I tried to quit drinking on my own, but was never able to do that. Going to AA helped. I guess I once viewed it as a cult, but nothing could be farther from the truth. In AA I'm not afraid to express my own truth..

I still get "dry drunks" on occasion, falling into old behaviors when I should know better. It happened here not long ago when I was making false statements about Sunflower. One of the reasons I just lurked for several months was the fact that I felt shame for precipitating that unfortunate collision.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what is the most regrettable thing you've ever said or done?

Oh man.


I immediately think of a public intoxication event that lead me to become homeless for years and on probation. However part of me feels like I needed a wakeup call, so as bad as the life before housing was, I don't think it was my biggest regret.

The day my girlfriend drove 2 hours to see me, as she always did on Friday afternoons, and I was so busy getting high that I told her to leave and go home. The pain in her voice, the shame I felt that whole weekend and even up to today - it really tares me up.

Q: what are the top 3 ideas that have stuck with you from experience that helped shape your future for the better?

1. "Don't sweat the small stuff. And nothing's the big stuff." I don't know the occasion that led to those words being spoken to me, but it was a light bulb moment, giving my constantly tense and wound-up childhood self a chance to relax and not be in constant fight or flight mode.

2. "Mindfulness of Breathing" Practicing that meditation allows me to feel the ebb and flow of my thoughts and bring them to center. It's nice to treat my thoughts as a river to channel rather than an enemy to beat.

3. "IDIC" Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. While that phrase and the corresponding symbol was a marketing gimmick for Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry himself, it's not a bad sentiment. For the show I love as well as the world around me. The world is an interesting place, with so much uniqueness. If you know where to look. And I want to see as much of it as I can!

Same question (Reworded somewhat.): What are some ideas you learned (and internalized) in your younger years that shaped your life for the better?

Thanks for your answers! It's a great question isn't it. I'll give it a shot:

My parents, I believe, did a good job raising me. I mostly see the world as a prosocial, cooperative, fruitful place. And alongside establishing that healthy world view, I was raised in an environment that encouraged confidence and such. As I get older I appreciate this more and more.


However, with the lights out it's less dangerous. But even so, tapping into that mindset at a later age, merely having it be accessable helps a lot.

Q: what aspects of other people do you tend to judge too harshly, and what aspects do you give people too much grace on, in your opinion?

I get frustrated with people that make what I view as the wrong decisions, politically and sometimes otherwise. Sometimes they seem self-centered and not fair to the whole. I'll say there is a "too harsh" involved in judging some (but not all) of that group because the some may not know realities because of being misled, not educated enough to know, or raised in an inappropriate way, in my view. Nature and nurture are not peoples' faults. I know this. As for me giving too much grace, I know before full acceptance of my diagnosis I rarely held myself as responsible for my manic reactions as I should have. That has changed. Also, similarly, my introverted nature shuts out potential friends that I really should seek out. I'm still a bit delinquent about nurturing friendships and some familial relationships I have, with the exception of my husband. The "too much grace" is that I know this, but still do too little to work on it...and don't hold it against myself enough.

On the "laissez-faire" to very strict scale, how would you characterize how you were raised?

I’d say pretty laissez faire with unwritten strict rules as mines. I was never censored in what I read or watched but I was expected to obey adults without question. I had chores but I could negotiate some things. By the time I was 9 I was left in charge of the house and animals on weekends. Yet at the same time there were rules of “proper” behavior.

On the whole did you have a good childhood?

Answer:

Yes, i had a wonderful childhood! I had a little sister two years younger than me. We played together constantly and the years passed in a blur of giggles. All Summer my parents would take us camping and all Winter we would talk about camping. I think that's why i got a little further in life (at least professionally) than most people with a mental illness. Mostly i hear about bad childhoods from my peers. Things fell apart in my family in my teens, tho. I feel that's a big contributing factor in me developing a mental illness.

Question:

Have you ever tried to quit a vice before? How did it go?

I think overall I did because of the friends I had. When I talk about my childhood in therapy it sounded like it sucked majorly because we just talk about the traumatic family stuff, but in reality most of the time I was off in school or at the pond walking on the ice or catching snails with my parents' friends' kids who were in the exact same situation I was in.

Oh we answered at the same time. See Jane's Q.

Yes. Smoking numerous times. Now I vape, but I'm a total nicotine addict! I try quitting then go right back to it. Which is unfortunate. I really have to quit. I'm turning 41 in August. I need to start taking better care of myself!

Have you ever struggled with an addiction?

Answer:

Yes, i've struggled with benzo addiction. I tried to withdraw a few years ago and had to settle for harm reduction. I cut my consumption down 75%. I wished it could have been zero, but i started misbehaving and having confrontations in public places. I guess i am just a person that needs 5mg of Valium to function.

Question:

What do you think of Twelve Step programs?

I think they help a lot of people and form a fellowship among many members that is beneficial in various ways. As for my own criticisms of it, I wish the religious aspects were calmed more or eliminated. When that is voiced, by many beyond just me, there is a strong resistence, especially in the United States. Also, some written passages make mental illness sound like something that could be fought by prayer and adherance/practice to The Twelve Steps. I won't even go further into that!

How far from home have you ever gone just by yourself? No one with you, other than maybe a pet.

Driven 1,000 miles by myself, maybe 5 or 6 times.

I love driving. Finding a group that goes your speed (cops can't take you all down at once right?) Or driving casually on the open road at night time. My favorite are those 2 lane highways with nice greenery in the middle and on the sides. It gets pretty flat and straight in the mid-west with a good amount of 18 wheelers. Can be dangerous in the winter with all those trucks. Music always playing, probably a cafinated drink. One of my trips I smoked a half dozen joints and finished the drive within 24 hours. I remember driving through a desolate part of New Jersey and getting gas in Philadelphia - pulling into the station I felt like my presentation was sort of like a cocky college kid. I felt very out of place. I could feel the looks. I minded my own business as I usually do, which probably was the best decision I could make. Being stoned with those guy, outside my car, in unfamiliar territory, before I'd ever lived in an east coast city, it was a situation that I wasn't really prepared for! But ultimately, it was fine. Got the gas and drove off.

Do you enjoy your job, or know what you'd like to do for work, or are happy not having one? What aspect of your situation brings you happiness?

I very much enjoy my job, though it's not one I'd want to settle for, for several reasons. But I do enjoy it, because of the problem solving aspect to it. It's technically prepaid phone sales and I do sell well, but the knowledge base I developed over five years on the job (with various employers) let's me solve many issues with ease. And that, it goes without saying, helps with customer retention.

I'm paraphrasing a bit, but they say that the older you get, the less you care about what others think. Do you find truth to that in your own life?

I'll always care what people think That's part of living in society and trying to get what I want. I haven't changed on the whole, just on different things that I prioritize as being more or less important to present to the public

Same question as Aurelius please?

I find a lot of truth in that. I no longer give a **** what people (especially my parents and extended relatives) think of me. I'm just going to be me-- goth, vegan, writer, and not care if they still have a problem with it.

Same question.

It’s true for me, I don’t worry as much any more, of course I make less faux pas than I used to also. I’m more apt to sit at a table by myself and let others join me by looking approachable than I am to join a table. And if that fails I always have a book with me. I find that that gives other an opening, to ask what I’m reading. I find I’m more confident in old age.

Do you smile and give out compliments on minor things to create an opening salvo?

No I don't. If for some rare occasion I do, it wouldn't have been premeditated.


Are you able to identify your feelings accurately? If not always, when and when not?

Answer:

I have a hard time detecting anger. It's just this last year that i've been putting my finger on it and i'm 56. I get a lot of trouble with frustration too but just recently i've been noticing that there's usually anger mixed in. I've read that it comes from not being allowed to express anger as a child. Interestingly enough, not being able to detect or express your emotions is called: "alexithymia." Such a pretty word for such a rotten thing.

Question:

Are you still interested in romance? How old are you? (Just give a range if you're shy about your age.)

I already have romance with my husband. We've been married 21 years. I'm 40.

Same question.

I also adore my hubby, not just since the moment I met him (over 27 years ago), but to this day. Obviously it's a different form, sometimes, when you're an older "comfortable" married couple, but not to a degree that makes me bored. He still often buys me flowers and still makes me laugh. Him knowing my best, regular, and worst aspects and still seems to love me, unconditionally, means it's been far deeper than just initial love and infatuation. I feel totally the same about him. Yes, we ocasionally fight, but if we didn't it would be weird, in my view. I don't recall either of us holding grudges beyond max 12 hours.

What kind of animal seems scariest to you?