Bipolar check-in #71

My morning was so nice. So sweet.

Then David called, had spoken to our daughter. I ask him this, that. Uh, I forgot to ask her. Uh, we didn't really talk about that. She went to a concert. Uh, I don't remember who she said she saw. He doesn't really listen to anyone. He doesn't care.

He's my only connection to her. He could care less about that. All he wants to really talk to me about is the religious beliefs he's brainwashed about (believe me, he truly is and it's getting worse and worse...he's refusing to seek medical care because he prays instead; he has OCD so badly, now his obsession is this religious crap). He told me, when I started crying about my daughter, that I chose to come into this world of pain as a way of separating from God and I will find peace only when I choose to return to God. Great thing to say to someone who is at war with depression. So I hung up.

Possible trigger:

I don't understand why I'm alive.

A week or so ago I started a thread to (hopefully) help people who are feeling alone for the holidays. The Other Mental Health board (Can We Talk if anyone wants to check it out). It's turned into an argument over Jesus. Notified mods and I hope someone acts very quickly. It makes me sick that that thread has been disrespected like that. I mean?????

Hi all. I’m typing to you from my new iPad! We did a pull names out of a hat this year with a $30 limit. I never expected four people to go in on one present for me! We had goose for dinner which was very good- not too greasy or too dry. We also had a fire in the fireplace and I sat in front of it for half an hour while I talked with C. It was nice to have all the kids in the same place at the same time.

In other news, I’ve stopped taking the cogentin and the progesterone that’s supposed to keep me from having heavy periods. Since I went on it, I haven’t had any periods at all. I doubt I’ll have any bleeding at all but we shall see. If I do I can always take the progesterone prn. My mouth is still dry and it’s been 2 days since I took it last.

Awww that sounds nice.

It was very nice.

Well I have had a lot of fun today. It almost felt like a holiday for once. The thing is we don't put up a tree or decorate or anything, and haven't for 16 years, ever since my brother passed. However this year was a bit different. We've spent the entire day listening and singing along to Christmas music. We even broke out the karaoke microphone and made a "video Christmas card" singing Feliz Navidad. haha, it was a blast. (Of course I had to be the one to sing the Spanish part with my sister playing backup. [I have a degree in Spanish]). We had ham, macaroni and cheese, green beans, rolls, and cherry cheesecake. Just enough of everything to make it feel special and warm inside. Gifts were exchanged -- I felt a little out of place because I couldn't give anything, but I got a wonderful card, a few dollars, and a new phone which we worked out a few months ago so that I could give my mom a newer, bigger screened, phone. Overall, I had a really nice day.

I'll save my problems for another day -- I'm gonna take this as a win and enjoy it.

Christmas was a bit nerve wracking but at least its done with. My sister was almost 3 hours late. Then we ate dinner first. Dinner was good. The turkey and mashed potatos were good. I avoided the duck. Then we opened presents. I got a North Face hat, a book, an ab workout pillow, $15 Wendys, Dunkin Donuts, and Starbucks gift cards from my mom. A white North Face pride tank top and a matching hat from my brother. Then from my sisters family I got the jeans. Which were way too small. My brother in law ordered another pair in
a different size after measuring an old pair of mine excatly. Everyone liked their gifts I got them. My nephew freaked out in a good way over the book I got him. It was good but I'm just glad Christmas is over.

My old man had a saying that he liked to see the holidays come and he liked to see the holidays go.

I would have barfed. Better if it were in person, and on him. Sorry you had to endure that. I’m sorry he is the only connection to your daughter, otherwise I’d block his number.

Wouldn’t it be funny to live to 90 and beat all the odds? Is that a reason to be alive?

So I feel like I failed Christmas. H is really grumpy. Miguels big gift was broken. Everyone had full trees and my son had 4 presents. We have to have a do over. Maybe for his birthday. I feel like we have a limited time to make holidays special.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random 503 I would have barfed. Better if it were in person, and on him. Sorry you had to endure that. I’m sorry he is the only connection to your daughter, otherwise I’d block his number. Wouldn’t it be funny to live to 90 and beat all the odds? Is that a reason to be alive?

Thanks, Random. You've given me a smile and a good giggle Much appreciated

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So I feel like I failed Christmas. H is really grumpy. Miguels big gift was broken. Everyone had full trees and my son had 4 presents. We have to have a do over. Maybe for his birthday. I feel like we have a limited time to make holidays special.

I'm so sorry, Mm.

Your old man's saying was a good one @Mountaindewed. So I don't understand, you got the jeans, but they are too small?

Yeah they were too small. By a lot. My mom texted him a couple times about a size that would fit best but he got me a few sizes smaller. I hope returning is easy or he can regift.

I have difficulty seeing / focussing sometimes but it’s never occurred to me that it could be from topamax. It is a recent thing though so it could be. My eye tests are all consistent with previous years so it’s nothing wrong with the eyes themselves. What visual problems are you having?

There was no Sunday service on Christmas, so it was set to be a quiet day. That is, until that dark, disquieting storm cloud of a man (Or father. Depends on who you ask.) decided to make his presence known. Make it front and center. Not against me, but against my cousin, the man my dad loves to hate. In short, some letters on his kitchen table and some canned food on his kitchen counter was proof he lived in unfathomable squalor and will be kicked out by his landlord once he sees the bills and the Campbell's soup cans. Typical of my father, really.

But, because my father is "magnanimous," he issued orders for my mother and I to go "clean" my cousin's house. He wanted me to drop my Christmas meal that I had just cooked and go clean the already clean house of a man I despise because... reasons. I took my sweet time getting there, but I ultimately went because that might be the only time I see her for a while. I wish I didn't. In between day drinking and thinking he was being sly about it, he decided to take me aside and ask, solemnly... if I stole his toilet paper. Yeah, seriously. Near as I can guess, he took a missing roll of TP in the bathroom to mean not that it's been used, but that I stole it (and apparently another) because I was out and ashamed of the fact.

But, because my cousin is "magnanimous," he would be willing to take me toilet paper shopping. You know, like shoe shopping, but with Charmin? Seriously. To her (belated) credit, my mom now understands why I don't like my cousin. Why I would rather go without than accept any help from the man.

Anyway, after I finally got home, my evening got better. Cooked up some Chicken Tikka with Yellow Rice, mixed up some Kool Aid and finished up "1899" on Netflix. The ending was even more trippy than I thought! It left me with a lot more questions than answers. That said, amazing visuals, great character performance. Overall, a solid show! Now, on to "Treason," a spy thriller that asks the question: What if the head of MI6 was a double agent? I'm excited to go down that rabbit hole next!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yeah they were too small. By a lot. My mom texted him a couple times about a size that would fit best but he got me a few sizes smaller. I hope returning is easy or he can regift.

Ohhh, I hope you can exchange them for the right size. I've been pulling for you to get those jeans!

btw @Random, how was your Xmas?

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived I have difficulty seeing / focussing sometimes but it’s never occurred to me that it could be from topamax. It is a recent thing though so it could be. My eye tests are all consistent with previous years so it’s nothing wrong with the eyes themselves. What visual problems are you having?

Yes, what you've described. It isn't blurred vision like it's been with some other meds, but "difficulty seeing/focusing" is a good way to describe it.

I have also been experiencing some mild gold flat lights at the very edges of my vision occasionally. The experience occurs more frequently when I use the computer, so I've been taking longer breaks. Topomax has some cases, enough to be of concern, in which it caused serious optical problems - and here I don't want to scare you because you have not experienced these issues - such as glaucoma, sudden myopia, sudden retina detachment, and some other nefarious eye disorders that rapidly led to blindness. I don't think either of us are in that dire category, but it's smart to be aware of optical problems, of course.

I tried to schedule an appointment with the eye clinic of a very large medical university that I am fortunate to have near my home. The unfortunate part is that I was told the first available appointment is in February. Normally, that's not too bad for such a clinic. But I am somewhat concerned about the gold lights that appear in my vision (I want to be sure they aren't retina detachment). I explained this to the woman. She told me I need a referral from my GP.

So I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday. If the lights become more disturbing I will go to the ER

Yeah he remeasured a pair of mine that fit perfectly and he measured them in a number of different ways and then he ordered the new size immediatly last night.

My husband and I are now in Mexico, on Isla Mujeres, an island near Cancun. Christmas Eve sucked, all but my sister's presence and the delicious lasagna she made. My brother and Dad were a-holes. Won't go into it all, but I did sort of scold/shame them a bit for it. It pissed us off so much that we left early. My sister was happy to, as well. Many things there confirmed that our move away was not a bad idea.

Christmas Day sucked even more. Our flight was a little delayed, and then when we arrived everyone arriving from multiple flights stood for nearly 3 hours in customs (hundreds) like cattle. At one point, the operators of most of the customs lanes left to go to lunch. After almost an hour, people were going to the see-through windowed room where they ate gesticulating to them to come back. A woman with a dog was begging them to let her take the dog outside, I guess to pee. I worried that someone might pass out. When we FINALLY got through, after the customs staff returned, and managed to get our car, we found we missed the last ferry to the island. The ferry company stopped running early because of the holiday. En route, we had to drive through flooding roads, since it had been raining so much. We also had to find a different hotel for the night (with no refund for the one we booked). The emergency hotel sucked and charged a premium for a holiday and last minute stay.

We finally got to the hotel we originally booked around lunch time, today. Fortunately, this one is quite nice. It still rained most of the day, though, but tomorrow is supposed to have better weather. It is nice enjoying 72°F (22°C) weather after frigid temps in NJ and Czech Rep! It should hopefully get even warmer this week, in the low 80s.

We had a delicious lunch here today, but I realized, after-the-fact, that we were overcharged a lot for the meal I ordered. I'll just not go there again and be more careful from this point on. Too late and too much stress to go back and fight over it. They also set us up to make that hard.

It's too early to make any absolute judgements about Mexico (or at least this part), but so far we think we'd recommend Costa Rica, Ecuador, and Peru (where we've also visited in the past) a hundred times more for anyone wishing to see a Spanish-speaking country in the Americas.

Oh ugh Soupe, I’m sorry the holiday was a wash. It’s kinda nice that you received verification that moving was a good thing. May the remainder of your trip work out much better. At least temperatures in the 70’s are nice.

Today is a federal holiday in USA so it was just another holiday weekend day. I stayed in bed until 10am. Then after lunch went and picked up mum’s meds and dropped off the neighbors card. Apologized for being late but wasn’t up to the freezing temperatures. Their tree was very very nice. They stayed home yesterday because of weather and their daughter catching covid. Pretty much everyone we know was alone for the holidays because of weather or covid. But we’ll all move on from it. May next year be better.

I was dead exhausted all day today. I went to bed at 9 last night and I was up at 1 for less then an hour but I got back to sleep until 5:30. It just felt like I had started a new med or something even though I didn't take anything out of the ordinary. I got something to drink this morning hoping it would wake me up but I ended up taking an hour nap this afternoon. I woke up with my shirt covered in sweat again. I've been taking a lot of naps at the same time lately. Its a recent thing. My anxiety has been ok. I'm slightly down in the dumps but I think its just the normal seasonal stuff. My moods are ok though but I'm still just really tired despite the nap.

I have to go grocery shopping in a few days. I've still mainly been eating fruit, yogurt, and fish. Now I'm eating bread thanks to my therapist. But since last Monday I've gone through a loaf of bread, half a bag of pretzel dinner rolls, a ton of yogurt, and a ton of fruit. I have some apples left now and half a bag of pretzel rolls and some Activia yogurt. Which will be enough until Thursday maybe.

My husband is not so very messy, but likes too much stuff. Our house, though mostly tidy and clean is packed with his excess. His art, his doo-hickeys and gizmos, lots of clothes (surely 100 pairs of socks alone), and much more. He has at least 30 cans of old label Campbell's Cream of Mushroom that date back to at least 2000. He likes to display about 10 as if an Andy Warhol tribute. The rest are always in storage. He thinks they'll be valuable someday because they have the old labels. I think they are ready to retire. They're too old to use, or I would. I'd have gotten in trouble, if I tried.

Chicken Tikka. Yum!

Here goes the long drive home. I swear it gets harder every time.

We have snow at home which could be a problem. I sure hope not. I just want to be home already

Hope everyone had a nice holiday !

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Take care, Christina, drive safe.