Bipolar check-in #71

Today is brilliant sunny. Chilly, but the sun is so nice. Each cat finds a sunny spot to bask in. I've been reading the climate websites and even in a month the daylight is noticeably longer. The world seems more right when baseball begins. I miss @buddha1too, we used to talk baseball.

All the pop, soda, soda pop, Coke talk is sure fun. More people here, anyway, used to say "Coke" until cocaine became so popular, then it got confusing. "Oooh, let's go get Coke!" "I didn't know you were into that..." "No, I mean Coke!" "Umm?" "No! The drink!" "OHHH!"

So now it's pretty much only the WWII generation that says Coke, and they're almost all dying off. So people say soda or just the specific name of the drink itself.

@Mountaindewed I hope you get the jeans.

That storm sounds rather scary @Blue_Bird. 24 inches just, no, that's plain wrong.

I cancelled my Mary appointment again. Honestly, I kind-of do want to talk with her and I'm feeling very isolated. But I'm worrying something awful about that poor abandoned cat. I've been calling and calling about it. All I can get is a voice message. I leave messages. So far, no one has returned my calls. I don't give a tinker's damn if they think I'm nuts, I'll keep calling.

Here's a pic of a sign that you see as you're leaving San Francisco on the Bay Bridge (over a part of the ocean). The sign has been there for over 80 years and it glitters like crazy! The pic doesn't do it justice, because the sign is HUGE and the glittering at night is like a thousand fairies got together. Super GOLD! I loved it as a child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Thanks Beth. I ate lunch and had a small eggnog and feel better now. But ohhhh do I want winter solstice to come already. Sooo sooo tired of dark dreary days.

Oh, Nammu. Yes. Me, too. Only 6 days until winter solstice. We can hang in there. You know, I've noticed that just about everyone is impatient with the long, dark nights this season. I wonder if it has to do with the 2 years of being isolated because of covid? We've all been living with one form of "darkness" or another, so much aloneness and separation. Restriction. I don't remember a winter in my life when the long nights have felt so endlessly long to me.

I wonder if my neighbors would notice if I went out and danced naked around a Yule log on the 21st?

I had two crises today at work. I swear mental health care workers care if you’re suicidal. I carry the worry home with me m.

I ran across this today . It's a cathedral choir singing classic Christmas tunes. It's 3 hours long so you can put it on while you trim your tree or maybe with a low volume when you have guests over this month.

So far behind , unable to catch up.

We did decide to rehome Maddie. We found her a great home. Steve was really upset but he agreed that we just cant manage a new puppy. I have moments of feeling guilty .. like “ maybe I should have tried harder “ but it was for the best. Her crate is still in our bedroom. I’ll get that back to the barn while Steve is gone to Florida.

Steve leaves next Wednesday the 21st for Florida. I will worry the entire time he is gone ….like always.

My depression is still holding on. I am still going to wait it out.

Hugs to all.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Aww I’m sorry Christina. But yeah, puppies are hard, hard work. My sister and brother-in-law have had dogs most of their lives too, but decided a puppy is too much now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I wonder if my neighbors would notice if I went out and danced naked around a Yule log on the 21st?

Oooh, I bet not. They'd all be snuggled in their homes with the curtains drawn. I fully support you, should you decide to do so!

When I was younger and more adventurous I had a friend who was Wiccan and we'd gather other friends and meet on the beach of a large river near here, the American River, at the winter solstice. At midnight we'd light candles and form a circle, holding hands and we'd do stuff I can't remember for the life of me. But I recall that it was fun and did feel spiritual and connected to Mother earth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I ran across this today . It's a cathedral choir singing classic Christmas tunes. It's 3 hours long so you can put it on while you trim your tree or maybe with a low volume when you have guests over this month.

Thank you!

You know what @~Christina, I have a strong gut feeling that you did the absolutely smartest and most loving thing. Maddie will have a great life in her home and you won't have to be so stressed out. I'm not just saying it, either.

Drop by and say Hi on Christmas. I'll be here

I’m sorry to all of you who hate the short days of this season. I love going to work in the dark. I don’t sleep well or much anymore and decided to embrace it. I get to work long before any coworkers do and am usually gone before they come in (then I have to go home and suffer Zoom calls, but at least I can make my office burning hot). I don’t have to pretend to be ‘normal’ or ok which I find painfully exhausting. There is something about being in a greenhouse and look up to see black while the glow of the sodium lamps fills the room with a strange orange aura. I guess I’m kind of in a fishbowl to any passerby’s but I really don’t think about it.

My night vision used to be extraordinary when I was young but has unfortunately declined. It makes driving at night difficult, especially when it’s raining and there’s oncoming traffic. It blinds me. When I was a teenager I used to drive country roads with no headlights for fun and to freak out my friends. It helped that all the roads were limestone derived.

Bit belated in my response, but I have been working with my doctor for a while on the issue. "Benign growths" are unfortunately not an unfamiliar term for me. Had a humongous one in my throat, the ones in my colon, possible one in my thyroid and now the one on my spine. All benign at the moment, but an obvious cancer risk the more I get.

As far as causes go, their best guess is a 1 in 250,000 genetic disorder that deals with tumor suppression. It a best guess because genetic testing didn't actually find a mutation in that particular gene, but because I still have the symptoms, they are declaring a related gene the presumptive cause and giving me the diagnosis anyway.

Still doesn't answer my question completely. It just lends itself to LOTS of diagnostic testing.

Yesterday just piled on the stress! Another disruptive customer (this one drunk at noon), three customers with similar issues (solvable, but time consuming) came at the exact same time with one of them driving over an hour one way to see me. A second customer caused an issue (not necessarily a scene) when he accused me of stealing his phone without accusing me of stealing his phone. I knew I handed it back to him and I watched him walk away with it, but he insisted on getting security involved. When they confirmed my account of events, he refused to believe it and made sure I knew about it. Quite a day!

May today be busy but uninteresting!

I’m sick with anxiety and panic

My anxiety is kinda rough and I'm not sure why. I'm making it out of the house fine. I got out of the house every day this week which is huge progress. I don't feel paranoid or unsafe in stores like I used to. I just have this weird anxiety feeling and my meds aren't doing much. My sleep hasn't been the greatest lately. Food wise I'm doing decently although I could use more protein throughout the day. Idk if its just like anticipatory anxiety about work or what. My increase in prestiq seems to be helping my agoraphobia a ton but not helping my general anxiety.

I love that line from Project Runway "Becky! if you're tired take a nap!" It is true too. I just took an hour nap and it helped my anxiety a lot. Although now I'm starving.

My SAD has kicked in now but I’m fighting it tooth and nail. I’m keeping on keeping on.

Mom is having a terrible time with the holidays without brother. I’m superglued to her hip. I’m even sleeping in same room she is. Will be glad to have this first Christmas over with.

Going to a symphony Christmas concert Sunday with daughter and mother. That will be lovely.

Set up and ready to go for Christmas. We do a “Chinese” Christmas in my family and the cap is $25. I’m not going to get something useless. I’ll get a Starbucks or Mastercard gift card. Done and done.

I hope everyone is well. Have a peaceful evening. Much love

Me too. And depression. I'm in bed early listening to a cathedral choir sing Christmas carols. That's as close to happy as I'm going to get.

The link is in the what are you listening to thread if you'd like.

I'm still having bed episodes once in a while. I can't describe them and no professional understands. Just horrible. I totally have no confidence.

I seem to be getting a cough again! I had to go out first thing this morning to rescue the garbage bin. The plow knocked it down the road. Then an hour later I had to run out to get it in. Later still I had to run across the street to get the mail. It’s a miserable day out there with wet icy snow falling for two days now. But good news! Our local grocery store had yearly membership 80% off. So now we’re signed up and can get free delivery and extra gas credit. So tomorrow we get our first delivery of groceries and I don’t have to drive in the muck.

Mum’s doing better everyday. She’s taking a shower now and I’m washing all her favorite nightgowns so she can have fresh.

So glad your mum is doing better Nammu. Fresh nightclothes always help me feel better when I've been sick.

I hope you start feeling better again. My BIL's mother just had her second round of COVID and she got better then had symptoms again. It did not sound fun.

Take care, and lots of fluids

16" of heavy wet snow (so far). Some places in the state got 2'.
I just heard on the news they referred to 10 hours as a "long term power outage" they must be new here.

Lots of hugs to all who are struggling

My son’s Guinea pig is sick and probably dying. Poor thing is a senior piggie so it’s understandable but CR is very sad. And get this, RS was crying last night over this Guinea pig!!! I feel like a heartless hag! I like the Guinea pig well enough but I’m not devastated by his loss like I would be if it were my cat. I thought it was super sweet that RS would cry over his buddy Herbert though. Makes me love him even more. He wants to get a little angel statue for Herbert’s grave when he finally passes. Oh how our pets can get into our hearts!

I’m kind of concerned about myself though. I have been very irritable and anxious. I feel like everyone at work is judging us as a classroom. Like they’re talking about us behind our back and judging us. Of course, it is entirely possible that this is true but the anxious part of it is the problem because I’m worried about it when I should be like who cares if they are!

The irritability is a concern. I just don’t want abilify to not work or make things worse. The initial side effects have not been pleasant. Nausea, headache, tiredness. I’ve only taken it for five days so I hope they will subside in time. The nausea is already getting better.

I finally slept last night. I only woke up a couple times to get something to drink. My 100mil Prestiq was finally in yestetrday. I had been taking two 50s. I'm not sure why but the one 100 tablet seems to be working much better then the two 50s. I'm not having any nausea or fatigue or that anxiety I was having. It could also be because I actually slept for once and I took my own regular melatonin last night instead of that stuff my brother in law gave me. Idk.

I have a slight sore throat and the start of a headache and a weird feeling in my chest when I breathe in. Also my body especially my back kinda feels like I did a workout even though I haven't worked out in 2 days. I'm trying not to worry about it right now. I did go out of my house everyday without a mask and some stores were crowded though. I don't think theres any need to panic right now my temp is fine.

Back into form yesterday, work-wise! Decent sales, good customers. Busy, but not particularly stressful. The only issue I had was the beginnings of a migraine (light is what get me, and it's hard to avoid light in a fluorescent lit building), but I managed to nip that in the bud with a generous dose of Excedrin. Really glad it worked!

Last day of my work week today, so I find myself wondering what to do for my time off. I'm seriously thinking baking. There's a recipe I found for peanut butter bread that I really want to try and make. Only issue: I have no baking products! Easy enough fix. I'll bake the bread and my parents are insisting on fixing me dinner, so win-win, if I don't have to deal with my dad directly. Man's a walking storm cloud on a sunny day.

Starting an interesting book about the last emperor of Mexico. The emperor in question, Maximillian, was a German speaking Austrian installed as emperor at the urging of French Emperor Napoleon III and the bayonet points of 20,000 French troops. Napoleon wanted a buffer state he could control in order to curb American expansion. It... it backfired spectacularly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random 503 ...I love going to work in the dark. I don’t sleep well or much anymore and decided to embrace it. ...

I love that term "decided to embrace it"! Good for you, Random. I'm going to meditate on that one.

But I'm confused...of course, I don't know what your work hours are. But dawn comes at about 6:20. You must start work really early?

For 13 years I worked in a funky little cafe and worked the night shift (5 - midnight), which I absolutely loved. Working at night had so much character to it. It's being at home during the long nights that feels imprisoning to me.