Bipolar check-in #71

I think that's a excellent idea. Remember that the goal is to not let a label define you -- black and white only exists on paper. You are a very unique and varied individual. You are special and uniquely you. You have experiences and emotions, memories, senses, etc. that color everything you think and do. If you do end up with a diagnosis of it, don't let it be a "label" to define you, but just a guide to help you find the best treatments. It does sound like your CBT has really been good for you. DBT is something I work with, even if you don't get a diagnosis -- perhaps look into their set of skills. There are tons and I find them immensely helpful especially for emotional regulation, and communicating.


Everyone here knows how strong you are. You are an inspiration to me to delve into my own past and work on a better me. I too have a hard time addressing traumas and have shied away from it the last few sessions. I will see my therapist Friday. Maybe it's time I open up some things to her as well



and one last thing, and I promise I'll leave everyone alone. lol. You opening up with these things like this helps me to also feel comfortable to share a little more about myself. I've mentioned in the past I have hard time doing that in general, especially here. I hope you can find some help in what I said. I found a lot of hope and help in your messages, along with everyone else like Nammu, Soupe, Beth etc. Thanks everyone.

Thank you so much Brentus, that means a lot to me. And you’re really doing wonderful with sharing more here and I hope you will be able to share more with your therapist when you feel ready

Yes, I am just mostly curious about what my doctor thinks, rather than labeling myself as a disorder and letting it define me. I just am trying to make some sort of sense of my experiences, try to get the best treatment I can and work on my issues head on. Because I have done well getting more stable over the years but I still have a lot of unresolved issues. I’m terrified of conflict and avoid it at any cost, which is not a great way to live being afraid of everything and everyone. The dissociation, anxiety, moods, paranoia, afraid of being assertive, withdrawing into myself, isolating. All that internal stuff needs to be worked on finally

My therapist kind of does a mix of DBT and CBT, she’s not a specific trained DBT therapist , but I have been doing some stuff on my own with DBT workbooks and talking with her about it , mindfulness, emotional regulation stuff like that

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Your Christmas sounds like it was delightful @Blue_Bird

With regard to BPD, I may have missed some details, but if you're self-diagnosing (or considering the diagnosis), there's something I would take into consideration. A lot of typical teen behavior can look like BPD. Add a lot of typical teen behavior to teen behavior with PTSD and maybe that person has BPD, but maybe that person is a normal teen/young adult with a major case of PTSD.

So I'm glad you'll be discussing it with your pdoc.

I'm so glad you're here @Brentus You're really taking huge steps toward healing and growing.

Thank you for your input as well Beth, I will post tomorrow after my appointment with my psychiatrist and let you all know what she says, I’m really just mostly wondering what I should be focusing on in therapy. Like what type of therapy should my therapist and I be focused on. I feel like maybe she can give me an idea of what she feels would help me best considering whatever she feels my diagnosis is, should we be focusing on dbt, CBT, etc

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m doing really well currently. I made it through Christmas without too many tears over brother and although I missed him badly, I enjoyed the camaraderie of family and friends over Christmas.

I’m enjoying a quiet last week of 2022. I’ve been invited to dinner and a party for New Year’s Eve at a home in a gated community. Looking forward to ringing in the new year with friends.

There’s a Grief Support (Grief Share) group starting at my church January 11th and led by a retired therapist. Both of us will go. Got lots of activities and events lined up for January and February to keep busy and moving forward.

I hope everybody has a peaceful New Year’s Eve and Day and a wonderful beginning to 2023. Much love.

I'm still dealing with that fatigue stuff. I slept a long time last night and then I took a 45 minute nap late this morning. I just ate a 47 gram protein can of grilled chicken for dinner so I don't feel horrible right now. My mom went to the store and picked up some stuff. I got some Trix yogurt. If you have restricting disordered eating type behaviors, people could honestly care less what you eat just as long as you are actually eating enough. I never get harped on about the Lunchables or Koala shaped cookies I eat since they have "carbs" and some "protein" anyways I just lazed around today. I need to get fruit soon. Soon the sumo oranges will be out.

I had a dream last night where my aunt who died when I was 12 came to visit me. She sat on my bed and she wanted me to tell my mom something. When I woke up I didn't have my headphones in. My music was paused. My headphones weren't even plugged into my phone which is just strange. I was hesistant about telling my mom about this because my aunt wanted me to tell my mom she was sorry for being so mean to my mom. She never cared for my mom and was often pretty nasty. My mom believes these visits I have. I haven't had one in ages though and never from my aunt. I did finally decide to tell her and she believed me.

But yeah that was about it for today.

Hubby and I had a pleasant day on the beach. The weather was much nicer, mostly sunny for a good portion of the day. I really like the hotel Hubby found for us. Much more our style than most on the island, and reasonably quiet/private. The view is lovely.

I ate a delicious shrimp burrito for lunch. Clearly the real thing. It's almost 6:30 pm now, but we're not really hungry. Tomorrow I want to go to a highly recommended place for breakfast.

We stay on the island for a couple more days then drive inland on the Yucatan peninsula to visit a Mayan historic site at Chichén Itzá for a couple days. Then to another Mayan UNESCO site further south at Tulum, back along the coastline.

They both look mighty happy. Mustachio looks cozy and warm on whatever electronic equipment that is.

I don't have a pet right now, but had fun buying a Christmas toy for our friend's dog. I found a squeezy dog toy in the shape of a little piggy with a Santa cap. When you squeeze it it goes "Oink!" The doggy "Aida" loves it. Pet toys are so fun!

Yeah they both love taking turns laying on the Xbox since it’s warm when it’s on. Lol

That’s awesome! Pet toys are cool Mustachio has this wand toy that is basically string with a plush worm on it hanging off a stick thing with a handle and she likes that. She actually even drags it around herself sometimes and carry’s it up into the bed or wherever I am because she wants to play all the time lol

That beach is beautiful Soupe

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I believe in them too….

Good Morning! I didn't sleep well -- just couldn't seem to fall asleep despite trying very hard. Finally shut my eyes I guess around 4. Four hours of sleep for me is not ideal, but isn't really as bad as it sounds. I have nothing major planed today and can easily just nap whenever. I am just a little concerned about the lack of sleep and elevated mood. It can't be medication related I don't think. I haven't been without my Vraylar yet (today would be day one, so I'm hoping the order comes in), and I haven't started my Adderall yet. I'm keeping an eye on it. This may just be a natural high and the result of a natural release of neurotransmitters. When you feel good, you feel good ya know? You don't wanna waste it away sleeping. lol



I'm having to conserve water because there were over 100 water pipe breakages in the county, and they are gonna have to turn off the water at some point, for an indefinite amount of time. I currently have water so it just means no bath/shower for now. I hope it doesn't last too long. I guess that blizzard really did some damage. Our governor declared a state of emergency pre-blizzard getting here I guess in an attempt to make sure aid was available for it. Maybe with that in effect things will be fixed a bit quicker.


My brother is in town for his birthday with his family and my niece is coming over to watch the basketball game with my mom. I think that's a very nice for them to bond over sports. I'll offer complementary popcorn and soda-- but I'm not boring myself pretending to care a lick about basketball lol. I'll see if they'll be up for a card/board game after it's over so I will have some bonding time too. I saw them last Christmas in Virginia. We don't get together often so it's kinda important to instill at least memorable 'fun' moments with family you don't see much. Or at least, I tell myself that.

Other than that-- another day. I still feel good ever since Christmas went so well. I'm gonna be productive and make some phone calls today. My Ubrelvy (migraine medicine) has been in limbo at the pharmacy for awhile now because my doctor hasn't reached out about it. I'll let them know and maybe that'll be fixed. I'm grateful I haven't needed it but it is something I'd really feel more comfortable having on hand, ya know?

Anyway-- that's it. I may update as the day goes on. Hope everyone is doing well.

Brentus, I’m sorry to hear about the pipe breakage, I hope things get resolved soon

I hope you are able to enjoy your good mood today , and then get some better sleep tonight

Also hope you have a good time spending time with your brother. Card/board games sound like a fun idea

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I slept really well. Later today I have a video appointment with my psychiatrist.

I turned in my benefit verification letter to the office downstairs (I live in supportive housing) since SSI payments have increased starting January my rent will increase. Which is okay because I pay 1/3rd of my income towards rent here which isn’t bad

Got a bus pass so I can take the bus to the grocery store tomorrow and do some shopping. I’m out of almost everything.

I walked to the store yesterday and bought cat food and cat litter. Also ordered some cat food online which will be delivered Friday so the cats are set for awhile.

Looking forward to going to the movie theater tomorrow with my friend.

Just enjoying some coffee and music this morning

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@Blue_Bird I've looked and looked for that article but couldn't find it. You mentioned Quiet BPD -- that's definitely something to consider and is similar to what I am talking about, but technically isn't the same thing. This article just gave a very interesting kind of picture each criteria can look in a variety of personalites, for example, how say, "no clear sense of self" may look". It may be that you tend to change your core beliefs depending on those you're around and maybe seemingly at a whim... but more modestly, it may mean you tend to act in ways that contrast with the things you think/feel without really understanding why you do. For example, I have very strong opinions about promiscuity and reckless behaviors yet I can attest I have landed myself in situations that I definitely should be ashamed to be in holding the opinions that I do. An ill-defined sense of self can look a lot of different ways, for example, and doesn't necessarily have to be a straightforward process. That's just the one example I remember going through with my therapist and from that article I read. I hope I explained that clear-ish enough. I'm trying to save myself some embarrassment of going into detail of a personal experience to explain the concept lol.

Also, I was thinking about when you talk to your doctor/therapist -- I think if they are a good one, they will be very happy to see you invested in trying to find the best options and resources to help yourself. They have the expertise of course, but you have your experiences and wishes to help guide that as well. I think it shouldn't be underestimated it takes courage to advocate for yourself, and also very therapeutic to have a team that will respond positively to you proactively and seriously discussing treatment plans and patient education of disorders.

Anyway, I feel I wasn't very clear but I hope it made things a bit clearer than I left it before. Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to know a bit more.


I'm proud of you.

Brentus.

Thank you, that's a very good example you gave/explanation of what you were referring to

Both my psychiatrist and therapist are wonderful, they work in the same office, I've been seeing both of them for almost 7 years, they share notes and work together. My therapist said she'd fill in my psychiatrist on the trauma stuff that we talked about the last couple sessions, since it was my first time ever discussing it. So my psychiatrist will be aware of it before we meet today. I'll ask her, taking into consideration that, and the symptoms I've had in the past and the symptoms I have now, how meds have helped me (which they have immensely, I'm a lot better than I was through a combo of meds and therapy), and her knowing me for 7 years, what is her opinion on what I've been dealing with, and what should I be focusing on in therapy

I will let you all know what she says, thank you so much for all of your support Brentus and everyone here, and all of your input, I really appreciate it

That's amazing to hear! I'm so jealous you have such a great medical team! I'm actually losing my therapist after Friday. She's leaving the clinic and her main therapy clinic doesn't accept insurance, so for now I have to find, yet again, someone else. I've been through so many doctors and therapists (turnover, not them giving up on me although it felt that way at times) in such a short time it's not even funny. I hate the thought of having to start over with someone new. They have to have context, so I have to relive my past traumas and difficult moments with a new stranger. Oh well.

Point of this message is simply to say I look forward to hearing whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us about your meeting! I hope it is a really productive session!

Ooo the night was so blissful. After not sleeping at all, I went to bed early last night. Fell right to sleep and slept though the night. The alarm went off at 7, it was still dark and my pleasant dreams pulled me back,…5 more minutes! 2 hours later Sir wanted to know where breakfast was? Heh heh. Ooo what a great night of sleep! That’s 10 hours of sleep! Unheard of for me. Oh, I’m so blissed out.

@Nammu Being able to sleep in is a great feeling! Although when I sleep more than 8 hours I do tend to have a groggy feeling and have a hard time "waking up" my body after that long of a time. 10 hours though, very nice!!!

My psychiatrist said in her opinion BPD does fit but she’s hesitant to give me the actual diagnosis because I’ve grown a lot over the years and am a lot more stable than I used to be. She said the dissociation I experience though is not related to me having that but is from experiencing the traumas at the young age I did.

Anyway, I kind of had to fill her in on some things because she didn’t get a chance to be filled in by my therapist before our appointment today. So that was hard. I almost cried on the phone with her. I’m glad it was over phone. Normally we do video calls, that would have been extremely embarrassing. She said she’s really proud of me and is glad that I am talking about these things, she said I was brave.

I did cry after/am crying now. I don’t know why, I feel like things in the past shouldn’t affect me this much.

We talked about how bringing up all this stressful stuff in therapy has affected me over the past couple weeks. She’s adding Remeron to my night meds and changing my klonopin prn to 3 times a day just to get me through this difficult period.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@Blue_Bird I'm so glad your appointment went well. It can be so emotional being so vulnerable with someone. I think it's a very natural reaction to cry. Crying is very cathartic.I want you to know I am very proud of you for doing that. You are very lucky to have someone who understand and knows you so well. I think she gave you two very special gifts today: 1) A better understanding of where you have come from, and help you see you're not alone. Many people suffer with BPD. and the better gift of the two 2) That you've grown so much and more stable that she's hesitant to even put it on paper. It shows immensely that your rapport with your mental health team is impeccable.


If I were you , the two take aways I would have from this is -- "I can understand myself a little better, and know I'm not alone in this." and "I've come a long way and while I may have a ways to go, I should be proud of the accomplishments of being where I am."

Your psychiatrist is very compassionate. I know this was very hard on you and I hope you find peace in this rough period. Again, I think only positive can come from this -- and a person who knows you well and for many years told you what you already knew -- you've come such a long way!

You're in my thoughts.

Brentus

Thank you so much, yes I think you are right that only positive can come from this, I think I still have a long way to go but I think I definitely have grown a lot. I know my psychiatrist knows that. She's seen me at my worst back in 2016. So she knows me well

She said it's good that I started working on this trauma stuff during a time of relative stability because even though it's affecting me badly mentally right now imagine if I had started working on trauma stuff when I was really unstable, that would have been a disaster.

It's good to feel like I'm not alone, because I know you and others have similar struggles and have been extremely supportive and I'm very grateful for that

@Blue Bird bravo 🎉 that took a lot of bravery. It would have been so easy to back out with your T not being able to fill the pdoc in. But you didn’t! Bravo! Your pdoc sounds really good and wise. Congratulations

Thank you, I was kind of thrown through a loop when I asked her if my therapist talked to her and she said no, I panicked and was worried because I realized I'd have to explain it all over again which is hard, but I just went ahead and did it, so I'm proud of myself

I hope you're doing well today, I'm glad you got some good sleep, it always feels so good waking up after a great night of sleep

I'm doing pretty well today. I'm not tired like I have been lately. I ate just below maintence calories for me. My brother in law and sister dropped off my nephews for the night and my brother in law said my jeans should be ready by tommorow. I'm not quite sure how or where they are getting them from.

I have some raised red bumps on my thighs. Pallor skin I think they are called. I just noticed them today. It looks like another symptom that indicates my hematrcrit is high. I just feel really stable mood wise and mostly anxiety wise on this dose though and its a semi easy fix to get the level back down.