Bipolar check-in #71

Haven’t felt like bigs were crawling on me but one time today. Hate it.

My grandparents get sent to rehab tomorrow. I’ve lost three people to Covid so far and I’m glad my mawmaw and pawpaw are ok

Hello, it's been a busy few days. I had an appointment with my therapist today. We talked about the trauma of me growing up with my mom who was very mentally unstable and an alcoholic and my chaotic life as a child with the things she did, her being irresponsible, getting us evicted over and over again/not having a stable living enironment, her drinking all day, drinking while she was pregnant with me too, doing things like insiting that me and her walk home at 1am (middle of the night) on a highway because she was drunk and got into a fight with her boyfriend, I was 9 years old at the time, had no shoes on, so I walked home with her barefoot since she refused to get back in the car., and I tried to keep her from stumbling into the road because she was drunk to prevent her from getting hit by a car. Things like that, chaotic things that I didn't think had an effect on me. As a child it was all I knew so I thought it was normal, as an adult I know it's not but just felt it was irrelevant to ever bring up to anyone. But I started to see how my severe anxiety issues can be connected to it, so I talked about it for the first time in therapy today. My therapist said she's going to get some trauma recovery material for us to work on the next time we meet, she said she can definitely see how that kind of upbringing can create the severe chronic anxiety issues I have

I'm doing well otherwise, my mood is good, I will post a couple pics from today in a minute

I hope you all have a peaceful rest of the week

So someone donated a bunch of stuff in the building today, they let tenants go through everything and pick whatever we wanted

I got this marble rolling pin and this lamp, plus things I got not pictured were some brand new hygiene products, a box shredder (for food), a flat grater, a pastry cutter/blender, and two puzzles

Really excited because I want to get more into baking and cooking

And here's a nice pic of Maybelle I took

Glad she's doing better, that's great

And the damn crawl i go u
Bug feeling is back!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow What do you have to send to Medicare? Do you have a part C plan or something? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious because the only thing I've ever had to do for Medicare is pick a Med D plan every year.

No, I don't have Part C. I don't get to choose my Part D, it gets assigned to me. I have to send my tax return from 2021, my proof of the amount I receive each month from SSDI, and proof of the amount of rent I pay.

I think the proof items are for MediCal (Medicaid), which seems to me to be blended with Medicare. It's annoying to me that just because I'm (sort-of) married I have to accept SSDI (meaning MediCal) and not SSI (which would be only Medicare), and which means I get only a small fraction of the amount of money I'd get if I was on SSI. I've never worked full-time in my life, so my SSDI is only $250/month. All the other money I have is from David. This country treats a full-time parent like a fool; no credit score, no retirement, basically, no security, at all. It's disgusting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 ....

So the maintenance dude came in just to straighten out your blinds?!

TeeHee, that's so cute! You say "pop." I say "soda." I can't recall...what do our friends in the UK say? Anyone remember?

Well we're in a hotel waiting till tomorrow to see hopefully our new place.

I contacted my endocronolgist this morning and asked if I could go back to my old dose on my injections. I had gone down at my request even though he told me there'd be side effects. I saw him at the start of November so at least I was on the dose for awhile. I messaged him and he was just like "ok. Thanks for letting me know. Keep me posted." He is probably thinking to himself "I told him he'd feel crappy at the lower dose."

I emailed my therapist about something and I mentioned UNO and she said we didnt have to play it. I also got out of my house for the second time in 2 days. I went to a few stores and they were pretty crowded but I did fine and had no anxiety. I got the last 3 cases of a flavor of Mountain Dew that had just been discontiuned a week or so ago. It was on sale so I only paid $9 total for all 3 cases.

Tommorow I do plan on getting my fruit shopping done. I've been putting it off. I also have to get a few more christmas gifts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird ...Things like that, chaotic things that I didn't think had an effect on me. As a child it was all I knew so I thought it was normal, as an adult I know it's not but just felt it was irrelevant to ever bring up to anyone. But I started to see how my severe anxiety issues can be connected to it, so I talked about it for the first time in therapy today. My therapist said she's going to get some trauma recovery material for us to work on the next time we meet, she said she can definitely see how that kind of upbringing can create the severe chronic anxiety issues I have...

Yes, that horrific trauma surely has had an effect on you. Imagine a child with a drunk, emotionally unstable woman (who is, btw, the child's mother) and how terrified that child feels in such a situation.

Something I learned, somewhere along the way a long time ago...

When I insisted that I was responsible for

Possible trigger:

my stepfather sexually abusing me

I was told to look at girls of the ages I'd been abused. Look at how young they were. Did I really believe those girls could be responsible for something like what I'd been through?

When I did that I was shocked. Shocked. I looked at girls at those ages and realized they were children. In my mind I had been "so grown up." But no, I hadn't been. I was a child when he did those things. I could not have been the responsible one - he was!

Birdie, you might try doing that. Look at some little girls who are 9 years old or so and think about them doing what you HAD to do at that age. What would you say to those girls? What would you feel for them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Well we're in a hotel waiting till tomorrow to see hopefully our new place.

I am hoping so, so, so HARD for you!!!!

How long until you can move in if it works out tomorrow?

Hoping it goes well!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird So someone donated a bunch of stuff in the building today, they let tenants go through everything and pick whatever we wanted I got this marble rolling pin and this lamp, plus things I got not pictured were some brand new hygiene products, a box shredder (for food), a flat grater, a pastry cutter/blender, and two puzzles Really excited because I want to get more into baking and cooking And here's a nice pic of Maybelle I took

You scored! And Maybelle - hilarious She looks so very...Maybelle.

How long until you can move in if it works out tomorrow? By the 1st. I believe hud has to do their inspection again and then we move in. I'm so scared my paranoia is going through the roof. I don't feel safe. Not sh way just we're all going to die tonight way. Like I didn't want to leave our car for the hotel. Like I need my meds. The bugs on my skin don't help.

You’re feeling bugs too mm???

@HALLIEBETH87 yeah, this time without meds is killing me. I'm hoping to get a place so I can switch our stuff over and start seeing someone. But I'm going through a small delusions, bugs and paranoia like crazy. I haven't been this messed up in over 20 years.

That totally sucks. I’ve even dealing with Mania since I ran out of meds in November. My old pdoc didn’t fill them on time so I ran out and I don’t see a new dr til Dec 27

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband and I are utterly overwhelmed by the struggles surrounding our new house purchase and renovations. Bad stuff inevitably happens. Again and again. Of course we'll manage in the end, but not without more unexpected costs. I just wish I could hide away under the covers (with Hubby) for a while with no additional stuff going wrong or needing to urgently be done.

Soupe, I realize that you probably wish I'd mind my own business. But we've known each other for quite a while now, and I do feel a bond. I feel sad that you've sounded so burdened since moving to Czechia. Burdened and lonely. Of course, I don't know the personal reasons of why you and your husband made the decision to leave the States and settle in his homeland. I know that you were checking out other options, other locations in Europe and nothing seemed appealing.

I can certainly understand reasons for wanting to leave the US, whether for a while or permanently. And sure, return to Czechia...I do wonder, though (please forgive me if I am sounding absolutely ridiculous; I really am just tossing a thought out) - I believe you mentioned taking a trip to Mexico. Would it be at all possible to take an extended period of time there, a few months, maybe? Take a true, restful vacation? Spanish is a heckuva lot easier than Czech is and the bright, warm climate, fiery, welcoming people - what a balm for the soul!

I think of dear friends I have who live in Costa Rica (ironically, they've Bulgarian). They went to visit, stayed to live, love at first sight and have been begging me to visit them there "in paradise" for at least 16 years.

I don't know. I would feel happy to read posts you write that sound like you're blossoming. I want you to know that I mean what I've written with the very best of intentions and warm regards.

I'm so sorry you went through that

and thank you, yes that is very a good idea/perspective to have.

My therapist also mentioned like how would would I feel about myself as a child looking back, like looking back with compassion

Another really hard thing was when I was in the hospital for 28 days following a suicide attempt when I was 14 years old, my psychiatrist there was trying to transfer me into a year long residential facility. I was so upset because I was doing so well on my meds and didn't understand why, a case manager there met with me and told me it seemed like my mom didn't care about me, she wasn't coming to any of the family meetings or anything, I was crying. I was so upset because I really felt that she cared about me and it really upset me to hear that.

I still insisted that she cared about me. Then I found out she was supposed to go to rehab when she was pregnant with me but she left, and continued drinking. That really pissed me off, because it has made me really start to question if she really ever did care about me. I didn't find out about that until recently. Then she passed away in 2016 from leukemia.

Part of me felt like I should hate myself because if my own mother clearly didn't give a damn about me, and if my father (left when I was 2 months old) doesn't care about me, I clearly wasn't wanted, I just happened to be born and was carried along for the ride in my mom's chaotic life I guess.

Hailebeth and MiguelsMom, I hope you both feel better soon. I used to deal with a lot of tactile hallucinations and they're very unpleasant

Mountaindewed, what kind of fruit do you get when you go fruit shopping? Lately I've been getting bananas and blueberries. Sometimes I make fruit smoothies with protein powder and spinach for extra vitamins

I like trying all the unique kinds of apples and pears they have. Last time I went I got an asian pear which was tasted like an apple pear combo

That sounds really interesting. My favorite fruits are usually bananas, berries, mango. I do really like plums too, pears are good as well. I tend to stick with bananas and berries though because that’s what I put in my oatmeal and smoothies.

I like oranges but I try to avoid them due to their acidity (have acid reflux)

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We call it “soft drink” here in Australia….

Taking a few days vacation from work but having trouble unwinding and not thinking about work I basically have long weekends for the next 3 weeks. Trying to get some chores done, and maybe I'll try to read a book. I'm making soup later for dinner.

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She is funny, she always looks so disgruntled in pictures. Occasionally she can be grumpy, she’s an old cat (13) and gets annoyed by Mustachio, but she’s also extremely sweet and loving. I love them both so much

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