Bipolar check in #73

So they just sent the prior authorization but to the wrong company. So h is calling that company to see what to do. They would not let me see another psychiatrist and receptionist lady says I'm feel like this because I've been off meds. No ***** I've been a crying mess not getting out of bed for months. So as soon as we get it straightened out it should take 2 weeks from that day to get my meds. I see my Dr next week. Hopefully I can bypass the clinic. and go straight to the psych department. I'm really scared my PCP will put me in the hospital.. I really hate it here. H asked me not to go back to FL with my parents because I was thinking too. I just want to be happy.

Thank you! Thing is I’ve had it three times (who knows how many rounds total) which is why I know it works. And also why I know I hate it. The first time I had it I managed without meds or therapy for six years. The other two times didn’t go as well but they still worked to get me out of the awful depression. They just didn’t make it last as long.

But then again, I was in a bad marriage with terrible job and financial stress, all of which I don’t have now.

I don’t know. I really hate it. I hate the memory loss. There’s people I don’t remember, trips I have no idea I’ve taken, it really sucks. And the actual process is anxiety producing because I have a fear of anesthesia. So during the day in between i’m still worrying about the next day.

I’m just trying to hang on. There’s not that much time until it starts warming up. Maybe that will work.

Therapy went really well today -- We developed a plan for my days to incorporate a lot of the healthy changes I want to make into them. Tomorrow's session will be a bit heavier. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that, but I'm in a good place and it's a good time to start looking into some traumas.

So far I have not felt well today ("heavy thoughts"and almost extreme tiredness). I was able to vacuum 1/3 of the living room. Even if it was less than expected, I think it still is some sort of progress ... (a willingness to at least begin at something, I guess). Hope that I will be able to do at least the same "portion" of vacuuming tomorrow.

Well we went to the funeral parlor today and picked out a casket. So it’s getting more real. The guy at the funeral home was very nice, yes it’s his job, but he was good at it. They do so much. We thought we’d have a million little things to take care of but they do it all. There’s only one insurance policy we have to take care of, otherwise it’s all done. The hard part is that I no longer have power of attorney to write checks for things like the utilities and mum’s bills. Only my oldest sister can do that now.

I just found my moms brother who disapeared from the family 40 years ago. No ones been able to find him. He got angry at the family and then just left without a trace. Got super pissed when my Grandparents hired a PI and found him. He didn't come to my Grandpa, Aunt, or Grandmas funeral.

But I literally just found his number and address I texted it to my mom, and I may have opened a can of worms I maybe shouldn't have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So they just sent the prior authorization but to the wrong company. So h is calling that company to see what to do. They would not let me see another psychiatrist and receptionist lady says I'm feel like this because I've been off meds. No ***** I've been a crying mess not getting out of bed for months. So as soon as we get it straightened out it should take 2 weeks from that day to get my meds. I see my Dr next week. Hopefully I can bypass the clinic. and go straight to the psych department. I'm really scared my PCP will put me in the hospital.. I really hate it here. H asked me not to go back to FL with my parents because I was thinking too. I just want to be happy.

I feel so bad for you, Mm. It's great that your husband is helping you, though. If you feel okay with sharing, which state are you in?

Oh, that's so strange @Mountaindewed. Maybe the guy will want to be found after all these years. Such is life.


@Nammu, good for you for getting through a very hard time. The people who work with the families are amazing. My BIL has been the director of a cemetery for 20-some years. Yes, it's a business, but they really do care about and respect the entire process.

You deserve to be treated like the amazing lady you are, beth

Powerful therapy session today. We watched a video, Ted Talk, and the dude was an excellent speaker. Basically it was about ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). So the basic idea is to learn to stop avoiding, denying, and struggling with inner emotions and accept that these deeper feelings are appropriate responses to certain situations that should not prevent you from moving forward in your life. It involves mindfulness. We also talked about what the meaning of "love" is, which was so helpful. (There was no poodle in my video; I felt a bit cheated )

Then there's a second part to the video, which we'll watch next time. That one has actual exercises you can do. I like that.

But I was so warm in the therapy office! M. kept saying "it finally warmed up in here!" and I was thinking, Geez, you must be one of those old ladies who keeps her house at 80 degrees.

I’m okay today. I kept it together at work and didn’t cry …. Tomorrow should be okay too. Thursday will be another tough day of supervising students.

So I’ve cut myself completely off media and social media. I killed Facebook back in 2020 as for some reason their algorithm pegged me as liking orange man. Not long after that I killed instagram not because of the ads this time but I decided Zucks companies were just trash and I didn’t want to be a part of that. Now I completely cut myself off all news whether it be internet based or on the TV. Now I’m living Simon and Garfunkel’s song lyrics and gather all the news I need from the weather report (I need a distraction while working so The Weather Channel is on about 9 hours a day). I still have LinkedIn because I got two jobs through it but I severely limit it and I’m pretty fast with the block button. Is ignorance bliss? Not sure exactly. I think I’m less angry which counts for something I guess but it hasn’t helped shake the low I’ve been in for a year now.

I saw my therapist today and contacted my pdoc (so did my therapist). We did a depression scale and this is as bad as it's been in years. My pdoc is going to get my Emsam increased although this will take a couple of weeks since the patient assistance has to send it to her (not me) and then they send it to me. But it is likely to work and work quickly and until then I can keep using the higher dose 3x/week and the dose I've been on the other days.

I've managed to convince myself my therapist is leaving. I have no reasons that I can't argue with but I'm still fighting. I may have to call to ask him although finding out on a 15 minute phone call would be horrible so I probably won't. And like I said the reality is that I have no real proof, just knowledge of a health problem and a couple other things that were slightly off lately. I guess I'll find out next week.

I'm tired. I feel so weird; I feel very depressed but I also don't feel nearly as awful as I have in the past. This makes me wonder if I really am depressed. Of course I am or my therapist and pdoc wouldn't notice it too but it's annoying to constantly be checking myself.


This will end. I know it will. I sure do wish I could go to the pharmacy and pick up Emsam without it costing half my month's pay or something. I don't really know the cost but it's a lot.

I’m still here just battling my brain.

Hugs friends

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Are you having a service for your Mum Nammu? Please let us know so we can think of you that day.

I think stepping away from the news (and social media) can be good for us either at times, or for some, permanently. I am rather anti-social media and left Facebook and Pinterest a while back, though I'll admit that leaving Facebook cut the cord with a couple old high school friends. I never joined Twitter and never want to. I also have a Linked In account, but don't use it or go to it. I'm on disability, so have no need. I'll admit to visiting Reddit, but not sure if that's in the social media category. There, I only visit a few innocent subs, and they are more just forums. Even so, the occasional visitor can get nasty and trollish even on a Cooking subreddit.

I still watch the news on TV, though step away when needed. I have only a few news people I really like and trust. They do lean heavily in my political direction, but aren't nasty angry types, like others. Occasionally I watch news from the other side of the spectrum, just to know what the other half the country listens to. It's good to understand. Lots of propaganda, anger, and misinformation out there!

12:30am is the time I've woken up. I just can't get back to sleep. I have my 19 year old daughter arguing with me over text message about what a ***** mother she thinks I am and how she thinks I treat everyone like *****, including my 4 year old son. That is so not true. I don't know if she is jealous of my relationship with him or what. But her comments are extremely hurtful. It's very difficult to build a relationship with someone who sits in their room all day drinking and vaping. She's been diagnosed with bpd which I guess doesn't help our relationship much. I'm trying to be understanding but her words can sure cut me like a knife.

I'm back and woke up in my own bed after a very early morning arrival.

Travel and anxiety are not a good mix. Although everything went smoothly, I was nervous throughout the trip which included 2 hours on a bus and 4 hours on a plane.

Looking back at just the return trip, I can see how much I amplified what was happening which caused my anxiety but I also realized that I can't stop that process of amplification as well. It's really strange. I can see when others are doing it to themselves but I can't see it for myself or modify my thoughts to reduce the effect.

I’ve lost contact due to this with some friends from way back and pretty much all family that isn’t my sister. I saw my aunts and uncles at my dad’s funeral last year which was nice but I may never see them again. Funny enough I joined fb just because one of my friends moved to Alaska and it was a good way to keep in touch. It was a calculated move and I’ve stopped caring. Don’t get me started on twitter.

my prior authorization is nowhere to be found and of course hasn't gone through. These people's incompetence is going to get me hospitalized. I'm wishing for an escape but no plans or anything. I just want to sleep through the day but I'm not tired enough to ignore the bugs. I want to take sleeping meds but the latuda doesn't mix well.

Yes. Thank you for asking. It’s on the 25th. We pushed it out a bit to give my mum’s youngest sister ( not so young) time to heal from breaking her hip. Hopefully the Minnesota weather will cooperate and be a nice day.

My middle sister is being a jerk.

Yay! I know you were a bit worried about this. I’m glad it turned out to be all good. Aww, no poodle 🐩 😂

Maybelle OPENED a new bag of cat food, I wasn’t ready to open it yet because they still have another bag of food that still has some left. I woke up this morning and looked in the closet and the new bag was torn open and she was eating out of it. I’ll have to find a container to store their food in now. She’s relentless. She loves her food. Which I guess is good for a 13 year old cat to have a good appetite.

Mustachio is doing well, she woke me up this morning. I slept kind of late and she was rolling around in the bed and biting my hand to wake me up because their wet food breakfast was late

Anyway, lol, I’m doing well, went grocery shopping today. Got stuff to make Buffalo chicken wraps.

I’m gonna post a pic of yesterdays dinner in a minute when I edit my post, it’s salmon, asparagus, and black beans. The asparagus was leftover from the day before (I air fried it)

I called the library about my volunteer application and they said they probably don’t have any volunteer positions but they will look into it and get back to me this week. Also I asked about a job there and it requires a high school degree (which I do have) and 1 year of clerk experience (which I don’t have) so that sucks, I was really hoping to get something with them because it would be a low stress environment which is best for me.

Either way, I’m still going back to college in August to finish my associates degree. I’ll eventually find somewhere else to volunteer. I did volunteer several times in the shelter serving and prepping meals and stuff but it was way too stressful environment for me. But at least it was some experience.

Oh another good thing, my psychiatrist wrote a letter for me stating that I can manage my own finances now and be my own payee because my mood is stable. I’ve had a payee since I started getting social security at 18 or 19 years old and have had one ever since (I’m 28 now) so that is good, I will have to go down to social security and fill in whatever paperwork I need to do and submit it to hopefully get that changed.

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it’s good to see you Christina, I hope things improve for you

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Social media stresses me out so much. I can feel my anxiety start rising the second I start scrolling through it and yet I have a hard time stopping. I’m always trying to cut back on like Facebook etc and it’s hard. That’s awesome that you were able to do that. I stopped watching news though and have stuck to that because it was stressing me out extremely bad where I was in a state of panic all the time. It wasn’t healthy for me

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