Bipolar check in #73

Hey there everyone! Just wanted to drop in and say that this bipolar crap is just kicking my butt. I don't want to start messing with medication and I don't even have a therapist. The past two years have been so tough, all I really can do is continue to hold on.

Also, Nammu, my Star Trek friend, I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything you need, please let me know.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

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I`m really so sorry for your loss Nammu. You took really good care of your mum you should take some comfort in that. I understand if nothing brings you comfort at the moment. I hope I haven`t said anything to offend you i really just wanted to say I am really just so sorry for your loss.

You did not offend me at all. All of the messages from here I treasure. I haven’t heard from any irl people except one cousin and my daughter and sisters. So every post is treasured

I have a love hate relationship with prazosin and Lybalvi. When I take them I feel soo calm and relaxed but at same time the sedation from the Lybalvi is making me struggle a lot.

Overall though I am so happy my new pdoc took a chance and I agree. I haven’t felt this calm during the day since I was a kid. Good ol ptsd stuff!!

I feel so terrible. My skin literally feels like it’s crawling. I want to SH so badly. I’m ready to do something I shouldn’t just to go sleep and I honestly don’t care if I wake up, except I have to because I can’t leave CR by himself. I’m actually resentful right now of CR and RS because if they weren’t in my life then I could go for it. I know that’s just horrible to think and to say.

I know it will end because this is all cyclical but I know it just hurts so bad in the moment it’s hard to think forward. And I was feeling better but now I’m back in this hole. It was a tease. I don’t want to go IP because nothing changes IP. There’s nothing they can do. The only thing I can do is do ECT. It’s done outpatient too but I can’t because no one can take me to and from.

I do not care about not hurting myself at the moment. Everyone else does, not me. I’m only staying free for them. I would do it in a heartbeat and I might anyway. What’s the difference anyway. Who cares.

Whatever. I’m just having a bad night.

You don't sound "horrible" @wildflowerchild25, you sound miserable. My heart goes out to you. I'm really concerned about you, not about what you'll do. Not really that. Just about how much pain you're in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyShadow Hey there everyone! Just wanted to drop in and say that this bipolar crap is just kicking my butt. I don't want to start messing with medication and I don't even have a therapist. The past two years have been so tough, all I really can do is continue to hold on. Also, Nammu, my Star Trek friend, I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything you need, please let me know. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

But 2 years...that a long time to just hold on. When you say "bipolar crap"...a specific mood?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 How terrible! It's not a "privilege" when you can't follow what's going on in the court room or what the other jurors are saying! Can't understand what's going on around you.

Yes, exactly!

SO...what did I JUST receive in the mail 2 hours ago? An invitation from the Superior Court of California to sit on a grand jury in my county! They chose me, the letter says, because they want a "fair representation" of the people of my county. Somehow, I must meet that. Hmm. And they're offering to pay me a whole $15/day PLUS 57.5 cents per gallon of gas to drive to the town courthouse and sit on a grand jury.

A long time ago I was in a support group for wives of Vietnam vets. Fabulous group of women. So one of the women, her name was Vicki, was called up to sit on a grand jury - it ended up being eleven months! She had to be sequestered; the state paid for her to literally live in a Hilton Hotel room for 11 months. She had a husband she hated (they were going through a divorce) and 2 teen kids she couldn't get along with (she was hard-core military). Sss...I remember her having a huge argument with her kid about the kid wanting to go to a Jane's Addiction concert

When she returned to the group, finally, Vicki said she loved the whole thing...the grand jury duty, the hotel room. She was sorry it was over! She said she had missed her dogs.

Thank you, Aurelius!

I am so sorry to hear this Nammu!

I am complete out of motivation! Have forced myself to take a shower and have ordered food to be delivered at the door. One step at the tme ...

Slept really deeply and dreamless for the first time in a long time. Was so needed. Having a hard time waking up fully. Need to get dressed and ready for my daughter who is coming over today. Tomorrow we go to the funeral home and pick out a casket. Everything else has been taken care of, and is all paid for. Mum has her headstone ready just needs the dates added.

it was anxiety provoking enough for me when *he* (family member) ended up in court, they couldn't make their minds up until almost last minute about whether i had to give evidance (they decided i didnt have to, which was good cause i wouldnt of handled it tbh)

hoping i never get called for jury cause it took me weeks to understand the difference between "important witness" (their words not mine! and what they said *he* was

i remember i was convinced (due to miss understanding what the letter said) that i would go to a witness jails

i hope its something you enjoy though if you decide to do the jury duty Beth

(I'm guessing they gave you the choice and its not a "you WILL do it cause if you dont turn up we will come drag you off to jury jails" or whatever

s a Beth

Good Morning!
I slept really well last night and woke up refreshed this morning at 7AM. I have a pretty busy schedule comparatively this week and I'm still adding stuff to get done. Plan to get a haircut in this week as well. I'm gonna try to at least video chat with a friend of mine this week, if not meet in person to hang out a while. Wednesday is going to be like 70 degrees and I'm gonna take advantage of that and go walking! I'm excited for some nice weather! My birthday is next Monday, so I have that to look forward to as well.


Today I'm gonna relax and probably study some language stuff (I haven't decided which yet). It's a tossup between German and Mandarin Chinese (I have textbooks/resources for both). It's just a matter of what I feel like doing. Eating leftover lasagna for lunch and probably dinner. It's gonna be a good day.

I’m about to go meet someone and buy a new yo me instrument! I’m
Excited!

My mom starts targeted radiation tomorrow. Normally, they wouldn't have done radiation at this point, but given that her cancer is (in part) in the bones in her back, they want to get the growth before it gets larger and causes a permanent, mobility-ending injury.

Sooooo, yeah.

I’m so sorry, that’s hard.

Beth is jury jails and witness jails even a thing or did i make them up

All these spy balloons. Reminds me of the movie Signs. Its like the part where the kid says "they say there will be 200 by tonight." Not that I really am worried. What happens happens. If I die I die. My mom is a bit unerved though and has had CNN on all day. She thinks there might be another 9/11. I have a feeling this might become something big too.

My cold/bug is finally gone. What a hell of a 10 days though. I finally feel normal now. I often text my mom at 7:30AM and ask if she'll give me my shot. I just got it now. My anxiety has been fine all day. I don't feel nauseated or too tired like the last 2 times I got it.

Does anyone think that commercial is creepy where the couple wakes up and Kelly Clarkson is just lying in the middle of their bed and the lady says "You're Kelly Clarkson! And you're in our bed!."

Now I'm nauseated enough that I have a bucket in bed with me in case I puke. My doctor claims its not the shot. Then why does it happen after I get it.

Is this what other people feel? Calm? Even though there’s a million things to be done I am not panicky. Even though I should be overwhelmed I’m not. Ty Gos for
Prazosin. I actually can breathe normally and not be fight or flight mode all day.

I know pet jails is a real thing cause I can remember that programme from a few years ago where pit bulls in the UK got seized by police and taken to pet jail while the vet temprament tested them, the outcome was they was returned to the owner, but they had to be muzzled at all times while out and about and they had to be neutered or spayed (the pit bulls, not the owner!)

it was when the dangerous dogs act got made into a thing, I know I didnt make the dangerous dogs act up or at least i don't think i made it up, i better look it up once i got this posted

edit: i did not make the dangerous dogs act up, heres the evidance that i did not make it up: Dangerous Dogs Act 1991

its a goverment website, not a website i made, i wouldnt know how to make a website, before they accuse me of making it up

I took prazosin for nightmares related to PTSD. It helped somewhat. Be careful though, especially with your first dose -- there's a phenomenon that happens where your blood pressure will dip when you stand up too quickly and you could pass out. Happened to me a few times actually.

I take it for ptsd too. My Dr warned me about the bp thing too. Thanks! It’s got me kinda sleepy but omg I can breathe