Bipolar check in #73

Yesterday I left work a half hour early and went home to bed and basically melded to the bed. I only got up to eat and that was only because RS wouldn’t have been happy if I didn’t eat. I sure didn’t want to.

I have been at work today somewhat functioning. I’m home on my lunch break and if my other coworker didn’t have to leave early I would bail. It’s going to be a massive undertaking to peel myself off this couch to go back. I haven’t eaten lunch. I can’t make any food and I can’t go anywhere to get food, it’s too much. I managed to throw together some snacks this morning so I have a bag back at work with some stuff in it.

I don’t even have the energy to self harm so even though the thoughts are there it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

That’s all

I am tired, but feel better then yesterday. I have done the rest of the vacuuming and I have been on a short walk outside. The fresh air did me good!

Hope things will become better for you soon!

My mom kinda just brushed it off as "yeah that was where he lived when Grandma died but hes probably moved or changed his name like you had thought." I guess shes just not really intrested in finding him as she once was 15 years ago. My Grandma had put in her will to hire another PI to find him to give him his share of the estate and the PI found him but the check came back. My mom said thats how serious he was about not wanting to be a part of the family.

Therapy went well today. We set me up a routine that's flexible and designed to set me up for success, and how to deal with days not so filled with energy and motivation. It's a bit childish, but I kinda love the "spoons" theory. The idea is you allot yourself X spoons per day depending on your energy level. (let's say a normal day you have 12) and you delegate spoons to activities. (perhaps, taking a shower and getting dressed takes 1 spoon). This method is good for helping you prioritize what is important, and not overdoing it either. I'm bad about pushing myself beyond the amount of energy I have and become angry and resentful of tasks because of it. It also allows you to realize where your energy goes during the day. I also like it because some activities may even "give you spoons" -- perhaps that shower gave you a bit of energy, so you put a spoon back in the bunch. On days I'm low energy (say, I have 6 spoons) -- I know I have to really look at my activities for the day and decide what is important. It's really quite genius for analyzing your lifestyle and optimizing your days.

I'm doing well these days. My routine went super smooth yesterday and I honestly love having things to plan into my day. It's not a rigid thing nor does it necessarily have to be written down, but it makes for every day feeling "productive" instead of always feeling like I'm counting down the days till X, Y, or Z. I've integrated my lifestyle changes into it, like exercise, better eating, more water, meditation etc.

I'm just here to enjoy the positive mood while I have it. Lord knows I go up and down pretty frequent.

Geez, I'm sorry your middle sister is being a jerk @Nammu. I was my mom's primary caregiver for many years, finally my eldest sister got involved (because I broke down and demanded that she help out). Our middle sister flatly refused to do anything to assist, which was ironic because that sister was the one my mom felt closest to.

@Blue_Bird certain ones of my cats have opened bags of food! I'd hear the cabinet bang during the night, get up and sure enough! I do want to mention that while a healthy appetite is always wonderful, an excessive appetite along with other symptoms can indicate either hyperthyroidism or diabetes. But the symptoms of those illness are very obvious (I have 1 cat with each illness).

I talked to my therapist today about my treatment options. Wait for Wellbutrin to maybe work, go off completely for two weeks so I can start Emsam, or do ECT. All bad options. I cannot possibly go on like this. I barely ate dinner, I haven’t gotten out of bed except for dinner since I got home, work was a total nightmare and I can’t keep going.

I see no relief anywhere, the only thing I know will definitely work is ECT. So that’s where I’m leaning. I’m going to call my usual ECT hospital and talk to them tomorrow, maybe see if I can get an appointment to discuss it. I can’t keep doing this. I will do something I don’t really want to do. I honestly should tell RS to hold my meds because it’s becoming dangerous to have them accessible.

I am going to take at least a half personal day tomorrow. If I know I can leave early I’m more likely to go.

I’m tired. 12:30am I’ve been out of bed. Don’t think I can add much more than that.

There always seems to be some kind of little to large snafu in life. We're having our kitchen installed in our new house, and some pieces were missing and they gave us the wrong sink. A gas hookup guy was scheduled to come, and had to be rescheduled. Ditto for a guy who was to measure for new counters. I guess it would have seemed fishy if everything went 100% smoothly.

There seems to be so many stray cats throughout the area, ranging several kilometers in radius. They are almost exclusively black cats. I can't help but wonder if them being black is a factor. Is it because of some silly superstition? Hubby said Czechs also know about that "black cat crossing the street/path thing". Or just a few black cats in the past (not neutered/spayed) producing way too many kittens. I even see a lot of stray black kittens. I've read online that of the cats adopted through shelters, black cats tend to not be chosen at as high of a rate as other colored cats. This is quite sad! If we do end up adopting a cat in the near future, I'm thinking maybe going for a black one. However, with all of the stray cats I'd not want to let it outside much (or ever). I'd worry about cat fights. In general, Czechs are way more into dogs.

I like routines as well. They help me to stay stable!

May be some really superstitious people let their black kittens go. So they have grown and made a lot of other black cats.

My gray and white cat (very special combination) run away from home and never came back and guess what happened? The years that followed a lot of cats with that special combination were seen in our neighborhood.

I’ve got to go to HUD and start the process of signing up for housing. Technically I have a year but my middle sister is wanting me out asap. My daughter is a social worker so she’s going to help me navigate this mess. I lost my section 8 when I moved in with mum to care for her. Ooo dates those places always want facts like dates and names and addresses. I’m not good at remembering stuff like that. Wish I could mind meld and just show them where I lived.

My Willow chews open bags of food, if given any chance at all - most of the time it's treats if she finds a bag that I forgot to put away, not sure if that counts ?

I might get the vet to do the blood test she said about last appointment, just in case, she mentioned it cause Willow was losing furs and we don't know why, i better check her furs tonight when she's snuggled with me just so i can be sure whether she's lost more or not

Beth

I feel okay. I slept til 3:00am which is good. Much better than the 12:30am last night. I'm supervising students and then teaching a class Period 5 and Period 6 today. I think my class I'm teaching will be okay. We're doing technology and globalisation (it's a business class). I think the students I'm supervising during the day may not be so great ....

I've changed my diet and I'm eating actual food and meals now instead of just snacks and soda. So I do feel better now that I'm eating and I'm less hungry on fewer calories then before since I'm eating better and not drinking 3 cans of soda plus coffee. The vitamin D may be helping things along since lacking it can cause hunger and weight gain.

Going without that much caffeine is making me kinda tired. I didn't sleep that great last night and I tried drinking an iced latte but I wasn't in the mood for it so then I actually went back to bed at 7 for an hour. Kinda strange for me to refuse caffeine and opt to get more sleep instead. I guess its not bad though.

Overall things are going well. I have family coming to visit tommorow. My aunt and her husband and my uncle and his girlfriend. Super supportive people.

There going out to eat with my mom and brother and I'm staying at home because I don't do italian food. I know my therapist would push me about just going and trying something safe and try grounding and mindfullness but honestly at this moment she can just go shove her diet and weight advice. Or use it herself.

Gee whiz @Nammu! What’s up with your middle sister? I’m glad your daughter is a social worker and can help you navigate. I’m sending best wishes for a smooth transition.

@Nammu. I didn’t realize your mom had passed. I send sincere condolences and gentle hugs.

I had a weird experience. I got a chest cold that became vicious out of nowhere. My fever was high and I hurt all over. For two days, I was delirious and hacking up a lung. I didn’t move at all from my bed. Slept continually for 2 days. This morning I woke up and everything was gone. Just like that. Hallelujah!

The Super Bowl party was fun. It was a good game until the very end. It was nice having people over.

Valentine’s Day was very nice as well. We went out to eat and he bought me two dozen red roses and a large quantity of chocolate. I don’t like chocolate so I gave it to my mom and neighbor who is always making Thai food for us.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day and evening. Much love

@Nammu You've been in my thoughts a lot recently. I hope the Section 8 stuff goes smoothly, I know how much frustration government programs can give.

It's absolutely gorgeous out and I took full advantage and walked two miles at the walking track and listened to podcast on mental health. As part of my new-found gun-ho atttitude, I also now am a member of DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) and ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association). Both offer great resources and peer-support online. ADDA is specifically for adults with ADHD, and has existed a very long time hence why their name doesn't include the H(yperactivity) and I'm enjoying their webinars! What I do love about these resources is they don't exist in a vacuum-- ADHD, for example, has a high rate of comorbidities, including Bipolar disorder. There are articles specifically about treatments, strategies, and awareness for BOTH conditions. Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD overlap in symptomology too-- especially impulsivity and mood regulation. There are articles on how to deal with that. It's more holistic and understanding that people struggle in a organic way -- it's not so black and white where one disorder begins and another ends when it comes to how we EXPERIENCE them. Symptoms can be bolstered because of them, or even less seen because of them.

I realize I require a lot of support, but I'm utilizing everything I have to be the best version of me I can be.

Today I have washed the floor in a room. It is a tiny little bit to overcome (while others wash their whole house on a day).

I don't want to compare, only enjoy the feeling of being able to do the little I can and let that bring me hope for some sort of progress along the road forward.

I have contacted the ECT dept and left a message. I took a half day today. I cannot do this anymore. I’m seeing my APN tomorrow and I may ask her to write me out of work for now. It’s too overwhelming and exhausting.

I’ll repeat my usual mantra of “tomorrow might be the day I feel better”.

Gosh I get so far behind here. My internet has been horrible lately. Sattilite is our only option and if anyone can remember what dial up internet was like it’s even worse.

Finally caved and called to leave a message for my NP to increase my Geodon.. I’ll hear back tomorrow what we are going up to.

I see my rheumatologist tomorrow to get started on a different PsA medication. I need something quick and helpful as I feel some psoriasis areas staring to itch and joint pain is ramping up bad. Of course We have severe weather tomorrow. 1.5 hour drive north.

Hugs and love friends !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Your signature looks so nice and well-organized, @Brentus.

@wildflowerchild25 ...I'm just so, so sorry you're having to struggle. I know how hellishly miserable it is to feel powerless over your own mind. I'm glad you're checking in, please keep doing so