Bipolar check in #73

Still too depressed to get sentences out. I've spent hours trying to work out meds this week. Just when I thought everything was together I got a text from CVS that they are getting authorization for my Emsam. I get Emsam free from patient assistance and it should have arrived at my doctor's hospital mail room if not her office by now. I have no idea who or why a script was sent to the pharmacy. I certainly can't afford the medication.

I just don't know what is going on. I feel bad because I've been in touchy with my pdoc many times this week. I have a video visit with her Monday which is good because we can finally talk instead of sending messages on the portal.

I finally changed my sheets. I can't tell you how long it had been. I can't tell you how long anything has been.


I'm just tired. Enough from me.

Sorry. Hopefully I'll get my Emsam and start to feel more positive soon, leading to more positive posts.

Nammu, I'll be praying for you tomorrow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ... Sorry. Hopefully I'll get my Emsam and start to feel more positive soon, leading to more positive posts.

I don't look for positive posts here, just genuine ones . I feel terrible about your Emsam. When I'm in a depression 2 days seems longer than "just two days." So remember I/we are here for you over the week-end.

You'll be in my thoughts and in my prayers tomorrow @Nammu. Do check in when you can.

Goodness, rain all night again and such cold temperatures! Noah sent me a pic he took in the South Bay (just a bit south of San Francisco, right along the coast), Massive traffic jams because not many people around here know how to drive in snow, and of course our tires aren't for the snow in this region. Way at the center back, you can see a palm tree with snow on it. So funny! It looks pretty, though. Such a bizarre sight in general, to see snow where this was taken.

Today we will go to the dump taking trash we don’t need in our cars. I’ll drive one car my partner will drive his car. We’re not hoarders but after having lived here for 6 years it’s starting to feel like we are. We move 24 March. I’ve done a fair bit of packing but still so much more that can be done. I’ve packed half the kitchen, the lounge, most of the laundry, my winter clothing since I’m in Australia. But it still feels like there’s so much more I could be doing.

Hello all! Checking in. I’m getting better each day. It’s just taking some time. I’m impatient to get rolling again and my body is vetoing it soundly.

Fortunately mom tested negative for the flu and is okay. I’m so relieved. I’m still isolating. It was really a blessing in a way. I’ve been joined at the hip with her since brother passed (24/7 even sleeping together) and it was time for me to get back to my own space. I didn’t realize how badly I needed it until I isolated.

I’m not really up for it but I am going to meet my daughter half way to visit tomorrow. I think it will do me a world of good and you can’t beat the wild Maine blueberry pancakes and coffee at Cracker Barrel.

I started back on Vraylar. I’m not exactly depressed but I’m not at midline either.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day and evening. Much love.

It was a very nice service. Mum looked very good and so peaceful. They even did her nails to match her outfit. The greeting people was better than I thought. The ladies that volunteered with mum recognized me as the daughter who drove mum to circle events, and told me who they were. Had cousins from all over the USA here. The church service was not too long, and the organist didn’t play so loudly that it hurt. The cemetery was fortunately brief, and they gave us kids and grandchildren a rose, the great grandchildren carnations. The kids were all left at home, so the great grandchildren, took carnations for the great, great grandchildren. Then back to the reception and I got to talk to my cousins. We reminisced on growing up and the adventures we had. We exclaimed on how we we the last of the free range, kids growing up. Then my sisters came over and we went though cards. Next week we’ll get together and do the cards.

Oh, I am so glad the service went well @Nammu. It sounds just beautiful. Clearly your mum lived a very good life. What a nice touch the flowers are. I used to press flowers in books, then I started hanging them up to dry. Roses dry out so nicely. Thank you for checking in, of course I've been thinking of you today . I hope you are getting some good rest now, if possible.

My sister and bil are here overnight. My bil got sick and is in the spare bedroom sleeping. It’s nice. This is my oldest sister and we get along great. I asked her for a recommendation to watch on tv and she said That new Todd show seemed good. So we watched the first episode. It was fun. Now I have a new show to watch.

Go to a beauty school I pay $42 for touch up roots. It is an aveda school the nicest one in town.
have been going there for about 15 years. I am not ready to go gray just yet.
bizi

@~Christina, I think end of March, hopefully. That should only be the interior work, though. Exterior work will continue after we're in.

I don't recall Geodon really "pooping out" for me. Hopefully it won't for you either. I will say that it was most effective taken as the maker suggests (twice per day and with food). In the beginning I took all 160 mg at night, with a pdoc's permission, because of sedation. Later I went back to 80/80 mg and saw a positive difference. After time, the sedation went away and I even needed a little extra sleep aid added, but it was more a lowered sedation issue than moodstabilizing issue. During much of the time I took Geodon, my moods were a hair above baseline. Felt like a million bucks, but not out of control! I also lost 40 lbs and maintained most of the loss for over 5 years after. During that time, I also took Lithium, Lamictal, and later Tegretol XR and later a small dose of a second antipsychotic for sleep. Big cocktail. Later going off Lithium only improved my life quality more. I know Geodon was effective for me because as I was weaned off (for late onset akathisia), my moods destabilized. Only when full off did the other antipsychotic dose(s) go well beyond "sleep aid".

I am so glad that the service for your mother went well. I had you in my thoughts!

My steroids are working like magic. My chills are gone. My bad stomach pains are gone. My temp is not low anymore. My cough and sore throat are gone. I'm not blowing blood out of my nose or even blowing my nose. I am not lying in bed all day. I have actual legit energy now. I took a shower yesterday. I went shopping and actually wanted to go out for the first time in weeks. The vitmain D is starting to work as well. My concentration is better. Yesterday I watched 2 TV episodes all the way through in one sitting and then I even was able to concentrate on some gymnastics on TV for 45 minutes.

As for the side effects regarding the sterioids, there not bad. I don't have the scary mental health ones I read about. I have a bit of an upset stomach after I take them. And I can get a bit cranky after the second one. My pdoc said I could get irritated on them. My hunger is kinda high but I haven't gained much of anything. I'm not like binging or anything. I'm pretty much just eating a lot of salads, reduced sodium cans of soups, string cheeses, and a ton of saltine crackers. So nothing too unhealthy. I turned down ordering pizza these last 2 nights. I am having sleep problems which my primary told me might happen. I got an hour of sleep after 10 but I don't feel too tired.

Mainly though I'm feeling so much better physically the side effects aren't a big issue. I have 2 days left of sterioids.

I feel so sad, like all opportunities are already used now that I am older. I know that is not true, but I find it problematic to take it in, if that makes sense.

@Rosi700:

I feel the same. I made such a strong start in life, i really had high hopes for myself, but i've amounted to nothing.

My sister and brother-in-law ended up staying overnight. My bil didn’t feel well and fell asleep. My sister and I had a nice evening chatting watching tv and reading. I have on demand and asked her for a recommendation. She caught part of a show, So Help Me Todd, thought it seemed ok. So we watched the first episode. Turned out pretty good. She recommended another one too but we didn’t watch it. We’re both Burnt out on too much tv. And just read and chatted. They were gone when I got up. They only had their good clothes with them. Was able to dig up an old pair of too big sweat pants for bil and my sister just used a nightgown of mine and my extra robe. Was a pleasure.

This morning I’m feeling a little lost. It’s hitting that mum is gone. I’m just listening to 70’s music and vegging

I'm glad the service was good Nammu and that you had a chance to catch up with your family.

I'm still feeling low and anxious. My mother has anxiety too but she has specific triggers. I don't have any triggers I'm anxious all the time. She couldn't understand that when we spoke about it. She had a hard time understanding that my anxiety is present all the time except for around noon when I get a break for an hour.

My relationship with my thoughts is slowly improving. I think I'm getting used to them and trying not to acknowledge them. They're still present but I guess I'm getting better at dealing with them.

Depression is a pain

I'm still going to the gym and challenging myself. I'm not motivated to go but I have reminders on my phone to keep me on schedule. My trainer says I'm doing alright for my age. It's my birthday next Friday. We're planning to go out for dinner with my mother.

The rude, hateful, *** hope
Relatives that have been here a week are finally leaving. Ugh

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi Go to a beauty school I pay $42 for touch up roots. It is an aveda school the nicest one in town. have been going there for about 15 years. I am not ready to go gray just yet. bizi

Ooh, I used Aveda products for years. But they stopped making the shampoo I liked...sap moss something. It was a gentle shampoo and I've no idea why they stopped making it, as it seemed popular.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rosi700 I feel so sad, like all opportunities are already used now that I am older. I know that is not true, but I find it problematic to take it in, if that makes sense.

Oh, it does make sense and I understand that feeling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore @Rosi700: I feel the same. I made such a strong start in life, i really had high hopes for myself, but i've amounted to nothing.

Oh, Jane! "Amounted to nothing" is a strong statement that sounds like depression and "old tapes" talking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu My sister and brother-in-law ended up staying overnight. My bil didn’t feel well and fell asleep. My sister and I had a nice evening chatting watching tv and reading. I have on demand and asked her for a recommendation. She caught part of a show, So Help Me Todd, thought it seemed ok. So we watched the first episode. Turned out pretty good. She recommended another one too but we didn’t watch it. We’re both Burnt out on too much tv. And just read and chatted. They were gone when I got up. They only had their good clothes with them. Was able to dig up an old pair of too big sweat pants for bil and my sister just used a nightgown of mine and my extra robe. Was a pleasure. This morning I’m feeling a little lost. It’s hitting that mum is gone. I’m just listening to 70’s music and vegging

The evening with your sis sounds lovely and so important for both of you. For me, the hardest part comes when the service is over and everyone is gone. Do you know what your next step is?

I've been sleeping really well, and maybe it sounds odd, but almost too well. Sleep that is so deep I don't recall my dreams and I have a hard time coming into consciousness. I take 10mg of melatonin every night; I'm wondering if I should try only 5mg.

I need to call my sister and I'm dragging my feet. I feel rotten, guilty, and mostly SAD. Her dementia is getting worse and talking with her on the phone is hard. Last time we spoke she was sharp and a bit hostile (not at all to me, just her attitude, in general). I really fear that as her dementia worsens, she will become angrier. She accused our BIL (our other sister's husband) of "sleeping with that young woman who used to live with them."

It took me quite a while to figure out that the "young woman" my sis was referring to was actually our BIL's younger sister, who had briefly lived with our sister and BIL back in the late '70's. Yikes. So I reminded my sis that the young woman was our BIL's sister. My sis replied, "Oh, well! That's what he claimed, anyway!"

It was very upsetting. My sis knows our BIL's sister well, but somehow she's forgotten and has twisted stuff up.

It's hard, because I call my sis, then feel rotten, and I'm here by myself isolating too much. What I'm trying to say is that I fear my own depression. But I want to talk with her...I suppose I'm grieving for the loss of who she was.

I also need to call my niece and a friend who keeps leaving messages. I'm really not a phone person. Maybe I'll manage to call my niece today.

I have a new water bottle to take to therapy sessions. It has a cover of gold sparkles and a straw. That way, I don't have to unscrew a lid every time I need water during session. Small thing, but it makes me feel good. I drink a lot of water, so I experiment with different types of water bottles.

Sage cleansing...

I'm thinking of you @wildflowerchild25 and @MuddyBoots. Also, @Brentus - how are you?