[MuddyBoots]

I feel like I'm spamming the check-in thread with my *****iness and wussiness so for those of you that don't like me I guess it's easier to just not check this thread than to scroll past my posts there.

I just called the crisis line for like the fifth time in the past two days. It's the same shyt every time "just do something you enjoy that normally helps you" well have you never been through this??? NOTHING HELPS. I tried learning a new song on keyboard and guess what I just got angrier at myself for being an incompetent piece of shyt who can do nothing but crush and snort pills. So then I tried journaling which was ok but didn't really help. I really feel like all my problems combined are too much for one person to handle and I should just end it.
Even when I was clean for a year I was a wreck. So how long does this take? I may not even live a year. I'm in a city in America there's a good chance I'll get shot at the grocery store this weekend so why shouldn't I get by life the only way I know how?

[buddha1too]

I was away from the threads for quite some time, so don't know your history well. I gather, however, that you have gotten clean recently. You should feel a sense of accomplishment, even though you're feeling pretty horrible lately. Please don't give up before the miracle happens. I've been in similar spaces before & can attest to the fact that things can & do get better. Hang in there.

I know...easier written than done. And I probably sound like the crisis line you've been calling. Sorry if that's the case.

[Nammu]

Boots, not tired of you, you post as often and as much as you need to. It’s terribly hard to get clean but worth it and it does get better.

[Victoria'smom]

Boots I'm sorry your struggling so hard.

[*Beth*]

You keep posting every bit as much as you need to! I'm honored that you feel you can do so here.

[Fuzzybear]

MuddyBoots

[MuddyBoots]

@buddha1too you might remember me by my old name, Sapien? I do recall you (and it's nice to see you again, thanks!)

[MuddyBoots]

I'm actually doing ok right now.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I'm actually doing ok right now.

That's great to hear MuddyBoots!

[MuddyBoots]

I just made plans with another user. Just a walk but we all know where that'll lead....

[MuddyBoots]

ugh I'm craving so bad now.Trying so hard not to throw things or hit myself or something like that.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

ugh I'm craving so bad now.Trying so hard not to throw things or hit myself or something like that.

Hey MuddyBoots, thanks for trusting us enough to share here in this thread.

Can you cancel the walk with another user if it will lead to ''that'' place?

I'm here if you want to chat.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I just made plans with another user. Just a walk but we all know where that'll lead....

Wondering if you can cancel, or maybe delay the walk? Urgent phone call? idk..

[MuddyBoots]

I've been texting this guy all day and he's so sweet. I can't NOT go for a walk with him. Plan is later today. I won't use though, he says he doesn't have anything on him and I don't either so I'll go for this walk and push him away like I always do.

[Nammu]

Muddy boots for years whenever you’ve had negative emotional responses you’ve reached for drugs or drink, instant relief. What they are telling you in the crisis line is stuff that does not provide instant relief but takes time to work. Might you ask the act team to help you learn distress tolerance? It’s a part of DBT skills training but I’m thinking it would help you a lot. It takes time and is hard to learn to sit with feelings when you’ve learned that drugs will get rid of or change the negative emotions almost instantly. I’m not saying this is easy or quick but it does work.

[*Beth*]

^^^ Excellent idea about distress tolerance.

[MuddyBoots]

Nammu that is a great idea. I've never had the opportunity to do DBT but maybe ACT can teach me some skills or even get me into a program.

Hanging out with that guy--we actually went to a meeting. Not gonna hang out with him again.

[Nammu]

Oh a meeting was a good idea 👍

[MuddyBoots]

I'm really struggling now. I know it'll get better, but when? I don't ever remember really enjoying life without causing harm to myself.

[*Beth*]

Pursue the idea of DBT/distress tolerance.


It WILL get better. I have seen it happen over and over and over with so many friends.

[MuddyBoots]

I got 3 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired. People keep tellling me it'll get better but I feel like it'll take forever, and do I even deserve that?

[Nammu]

You do deserve to get better

[Fuzzybear]

I also suggest DBT/distress tolerance

[MuddyBoots]

Man do I feel wired! I was up at 3am and boy was I glad to be up at 3am because it was cool enough to wear my new Planet Zero hoodie. I should've gone for a walk but it was dark out and I don't want to get mugged/raped/shot/chopped into pieces and thrown in a dumpster. The midnight nation. So I just stood on the balcony enjoying the crisp air. If you're having panic attacks stick your head in a bowl of ice water or take a cold shower. That's what the crisis number lady told me last night. Just dunking my head in cold water didn't help much but I don't think it was cold enough so I got off the phone and took a cold shower and that helped. My grandma had panic disorder and loved winter because when she had panic attacks she would just go outside and it would help. She was addicted to Xanax but her doc was ok with it because she was old and it helped. My cousin says the same thing although she is a lot newer to panic attacks.
But the thing about the cold shower is I hate being naked. It's why I have poor hygiene. It's kind of a paranoia/kind of a trauma thing. I guess when in crisis I can get over that though since it helps. Dad might be like why tf is Boots taking a shower at 2am? but whatever he puts too much salt on his food.
I don't think I will be calling the crisis line today. I gave away my stash and I hid any of my favorite SH instruments with a note to call the crisis line if I feel the need to use them. But they're in a drawer in my nightstand that I have to move like 50lbs of books to get to them.
I'm starting to feel like most of my mental health stuff is caused by trauma rather than biological origins. I hid it forever under a bubbly mask and then it turned angry and then *I* turned to anything to numb that anger. And then I went seeking out more trauma because that's what I had learned I deserved.

[MuddyBoots]

My dad's all methed out. Before I realized this I got in a car with him to go "gain some weight" and in the process we almost got into an accident like three times. Yeah this environment is perfect for my sobriety... and he won't admit he has a problem despite several DUIs.

But I can't go back to my mom's without losing my ACT team and I don't have the finances to live on my own.