Bipolar Check-in #74

I'm painting, and disturbingly expert at it. You know how something will jog your memory? Well I'm remembering painting the entire living room of my parents' house at age 14. Including the ceiling. And the wall was one of those textured ones. My younger brother got out of it by being incompetent (his usual strategy) but I did it. My father was probably out of town as he usually was, but I don't remember my mother doing much.

And was my labor valued? No, because I was a girl. I was scrubbing toilets and vacuuming and trimming hedges. And I don't remember my mother ever saying "Wow, what a good job you did - let's take you out for ice cream!" It was just taken for granted. And I never even got allowance because I was earning my own money doing paper routes starting when I was 11.

Also my mother always portrayed herself as very egalitarian, but her behaviour indicates otherwise. When I was 18 she was demanding I pay rent for my bedroom, whereas later my brother lived in the basement with an entire suite to himself (it was crappy but it had a bedroom, kitchen and bathroom) and paid no rent for 4 years through his early 20s. He was able to save for a down payment for a mortgage.

So I had to move out because for the amount my mother was demanding I could rent my own apartment. So I had to pay because I was a girl.

And it's still the case although my brother and I are in our early 50s. My mother thinks the sun sets on him because he has a lot of money and drives her to the occasional medical appointment (he lives 20 minutes away from her while I live in another city). Whereas does she value the 1000s of hours I have spent listening to her on the phone when my brother will barely carry on a conversation with her?

I'll let you guess.

I’ve had five days without a panic attack and two days in a row without depression. Maybe the low dose lexapro is working? My average heart rate is a lot lower according to my Apple Watch which means I’m less physically anxious I think. I’m a bit less mentally anxious though I did have a bit of a problem on Friday when RS didn’t come home from work right away. I get worried that he’s going to get into an accident. He told me he was going to be late but I still didn’t know when to expect him by so I got a little anxious. But I had a bad day overall on Friday so I’m sure that had something to do with it.

Yesterday I woke up feeling better though and today I feel almost normal. I’m so relieved just to have two days off from that crushing depression. I hope it continues and doesn’t turn to hypomania but I have no signs of hypomania yet. Sleep is my first signal and I’m still sleeping well.

Yesterday we had a crazy storm rip through. The sky turned pitch black and then green so we hightailed it down to the basement. A tornado warning came up a minute after we noticed the sky. Poor CR gets very scared of storms so he was freaking out. Thankfully we didn’t have any damage. I heard it hail but it must have been small enough. My mom (who lives 10 minutes from us) said she had huge hail and she lost power. Thankfully we didn’t lose power. A town twenty minutes southeast of us did have a tornado touch down and rip up a bunch of trees and power lines.

Temperatures are finally supposed to warm up this week. It’s supposed to be gorgeous on Tuesday which is nice because it’s my birthday. We’re going to go to the Cheesecake Factory so I can have my annual slice of red velvet cheesecake.

Why can they think it’s okay to just come take things while your still living there ???? Omg what a$$him holes.

I’m so sorry hun. I bet Sir is confused with everything so mixed up.

Hugs hun !

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I’m sorry you suffered so much abuse as a child

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Yeah for better days ! Hope they continue

We had nasty storms Friday night. I think I heard 14-15 people died from tornados. Storms really can shake me up. So I understand CR’s stress.

Hope Spring has fully arrived for you.

Happy early Birthday

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I was able to sleep last night. So grateful. I was really exhausted.

Nothing much going on today just laundry and stuff. Boring and monotonous

Hugs cookies and sparkling juice all around~

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Well I did suffer abuse but what I described here was not abuse, however it was discrimination that I think is quite common for girls.


In fact I remember reading in a news story that many single mothers allow their sons to continue living with them rent-free in the basement because they want a man around for security and tasks like mowing the lawn. Whereas they are harder on their daughters and expect them to pay rent or leave. And how this is causing a gap in later prosperity for the sons vs. daughters, just as it did for me.

Bored? Wanna help me paint? I'll buy you ice cream!

My mom says I've been sleeping an awful lot. I had another bout of diarrhea when I got up this morning. I got to Walmart around 9:30 but I've spent the rest of the day in bed barely able to keep my eyes open. I just feel so so sleepy. My temp is only 98.7 and I have a very slight cough and sore throat but the windows are open so it could be allergies.

My uncles girlfriend still isn't doing good. He said at this point all we can do is pray she makes it.

I can never sleep the night before big events (trips, surgeries, do-or-die appointments) and I think tonight's gonna be no exception. I meet with pre-op 7:30am tomorrow at a hospital over an hour away for a marathon four hours of tests, scans and info dumps to get me ready for my spinal surgery in three weeks.

My mom (who's coming with) wonders why I'm not nervous. This is me being nervous.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to order a pizza before the pizza joint closes!

Today our wooden floors are being worked on, so going to the kitchen or living room may be delayed. It's kinda hard living in the situation. And of course we still have some unpacked boxes in the house, and an overwhelming number still in storage. We need to buy, wait for, and then assemble even more storage cabinets to have space for most of our other stuff. I know some will remain in storage nearly indefinitely. I have excess kitchen stuff that could possibly be gotten rid of and some clothes that may never fit again, but this is nothing compared to the extreme amount of things that are Hubby's. He's far more sentimental about possessions than I am.

Ughhhhhhh 3:30am. I had my sleep so under control then I went back to work yesterday. I’ve got a Telehealth tonight at 8:00 so need to be wide awake for that.

There’s not enough coffee in my day today ….

I had my CD revoked, spent a few weeks in the ER and a couple weeks in the state hospital. Kinda wish I was still there. Maybe not still there, just not here. I need sober friends to crash with.

I had a tough workout on Sunday and went back to the gym today. I was tired from yesterday so I didn't work out as much today. I still did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is good I think.

I'm feeling really bad. My mood is way down due to all the anxiety. I thought I had an appointment with my pdoc but I guess I forgot to make it.

My sleep is really odd. I'm getting my 8 hours but it's all broken up into 2 or 3 hour blocks with lots of strange dreams. I get up at night and read for a while after trying to go back to sleep.

Welcome back Boots!

Hello all

Painting update: We decided one of the colors we selected (a gold) is much too dark and orange on our wall, so we're going back to get another can of paint. I hate wasting it but I don't want to look at that orange for years... so back we go. We've decided on a more tan gold. I'm also going to get out my colored pencils and try to make a swatch of our carpet color because we don't want a clash.


I don't really want to be painting whilst in the grip of depression, but we want to unpack the rest of our books and so on, which we can't do until we've painted, unless we want to take every single book back out of the shelves and replace it. We have a LOT of books.


Also, the walls look terrible as the former owner did some patching with the wrong paint color, and left jagged holes from shelves and so on. Also there are big stains on the carpet that we've gone over 2x with a steam cleaner but not fully removed yet. However, we got an excellent price on the place and if it had been in great shape it would probably have sold for more. We could not afford more. So.... upgrades are needed and we are saving a lot of money by doing it ourselves when possible.

Welcome back boots! We’ve been missing you.

I went to an independent living apartment for seniors today. Ohhh depressing. Low wood ceilings. Outside parking long low smelly hallways with coin operated washers and dryers. They Nickel and dime you with what they call extras but really is basics. That one is a no.

Got the email of the Medicaid financial advisor. Sent her a email got back an out of office memo.

Got an appointment with the senior advocate for tomorrow.

Really low now, the future looks dim.

Good to see you Boots!

High anxiety. Feeling bugs crawling all
Over me
All
Day

Would love too !!! lol

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Glad your back

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Sorry things are not going so hot right now Good wishes and love hoping something comes up that is a better fit asap !

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You know I hate this for you

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Well I woke up in a absolute shyt mood. Threw a whole chicken in the crock pot. Went and laid back down. Woke up still in a ugly mood.

I feel bad for Steve. Everything grates my nerves so much. I’m snapping about everything This situation has me really wishing I had some Xanax. Oooaf

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