Bipolar Check-in #74

Glad volunteering is going so well. They are lucky to have you.

I’m guessing your lack of sleep was driving most of that awful stuff. Here’s hoping you get better sleep consistently

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Oh the joys of paint colors

Yea it’s very expensive. I remember back in 88-90 I could get a decent paint for like 20 bucks. I use to repaint my home 3-4 times a year lol ( undiagnosed Bipolar )

I want to repaint my kitchen but my Asthma is awful anytime we paint anymore despite windows open and fans blowing.

Hope the color works well for you

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Oh Jane that sounds just awful you must have gotten a potent bug going around.

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Nammu I will cross all my body parts that you get good news soon about a place that is a good fit !

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We made the last freaking truck payment today!!! We can now start saving to get the parts it needs to get back on the road. It’s been parked in front of the barn for a year !

My refrigerator is garbage. Long story short we have to defrost the freezer side about once a month. I have a huge fan we run to help it thaw out. The constant noise just drives me nuts. Why the hell do refrigerators cost so much ?????? One day we will have to get one. We are prioritizing the truck right now . I don’t trust used as this one was. Eventually I want a new one with a warranty.

We have more nasty storms coming tomorrow. There were deaths from tornadoes last week This unfortunately is typical spring weather here.

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My spinal surgery got moved up. Instead of April 21st, I get it done on the 11th. Exactly one week.

It needs to be done. I just didn't expect to racing to the surgeon's scalpel so fast. I've got all my pre-surgery prep ready to go, all the info, special items, med schedules and the like. What I don't have, and it's aggravating the crap out of me, is an exact time frame for recovery. I know recovery can vary depending on a bunch of factors, but their reluctance to even give me a guesstimate doesn't help me plan for the future. I mean, I'm employed, and one of the things my boss (not unreasonably) wants to know is how long I'm going to be out for.

Best I can say right now is this. For sure, I'm out of commission six to eight weeks until a follow-up appointment either clears me to go back to work or I stay out up to another six weeks. Three months out of work potentially. Logistics galore to figure out as well. Fun.

Sick of adulting. I've been doing it since I was 15. Can I stop now I'm 54? Nope.


Philosophy of stoicism is helping me. I went to the mall today as I had to pick something up, and thought of Marcus Aurelius's words " When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they cannot tell good from evil."

Lol. The stoics believe in being kind to others, but to not to expect others to be kind or reasonable.

I must say when you are expecting the worst, people seem really nice!

I actually looked up the words of Marcus Aurelius because I was deeply disturbed hearing a wealthy US politician claim that all members of the opposing party are "pedophiles."

This demonstrates the logical fallacy known as Ad Hominem, where you attack your opponent's character because you cannot refute their arguments.


It is also False Witness, one of the most serious sins in the Christian faith this person claims to be a member of.

Some may say I am talking politics, but this is not political to me. It's slander and defamation of someone's character. It's hate speech. I honestly don't understand why she isn't up on charges for saying such a thing. It only indicates the kind of false accusations that have become commonplace - perhaps they are being used on both sides, I don't know as I rarely read the news. However, they are absolutely not acceptable.


Plus the widespread use of a term like "pedophile" to attack political opponents is a distortion of what the term itself means. A pedophile is someone who is sexually attracted to children, and is often used to apply to someone who has committed sexual assault on children. It is NOT someone who supports the use of transgender education or whatever this politician was trying to connect it to.


To label someone a pedophile who is clearly not one is to muddy the serious implications of the term, to take away its meaning.


Only after reading Marcus Aurelius's words did I feel better, knowing that this politician clearly cannot tell the difference between good and evil. I doubt that she is conscious that she is evil. Who knows? But anyone who believes her is being led down that path also.

Actually I really liked reading this. It was enlightening. I’ve often thought they must be projecting but not knowing good from evil makes sense.

It’s been a day. I wish to be at home in bed but I know I’m better off not. I have a set schedule each week and it’s been good for me!

I’m verbally I’m ok. Taking increased dose of metformin and then increase it again Friday . So far I’ve had no side effects. I’ll eventually be on 2,000mg a day. I’m
Hoping this med and some lifestyle changes im making will bring my. A1c down. I go back to endocrinologist in six months.

So far so good with school. I graduate in 31 days! I can’t believe I’ll be a college graduate!

I hope you feel better soon Jane

Stay safe, I hope the storms pass soon I lived in Kentucky for awhile and I remember the terrible spring weather/storms

Congrats with graduating college soon, that's awesome! You've put in a ton of hard work over the years

I managed to sleep a lot last night, so I feel a lot better. Only sleeping 2 hours in a 48 hour time period, was not good for my mental health. I feel so much better. I went grocery shopping today, managed to get everything on my list. Made myself a meal plan for the next week

I have an appointment with my career readiness instructor next week to start the resume part of the workshop, so she will help me to create a resume. I have several places in mind I plan on applying to for a part-time job. I'm excited. Nervous as hell but excited too. I'm also going back to college in the fall, to start working on completing my associates degree. So I will be working part-time, volunteering, and going to college part-time. I really love working with the kitties at the place I volunteer at. I'm kind of tossing around the idea in my head of maybe looking into someday having a career working with animals, as like a vet technician or something. It's something I'd really enjoy and would be a very fufilling type of career, any kind of career working with and helping animals.

My uncles girlfriend took a turn for the worst. He said he just wants us to keep her in our thoughts. I haven't dealt with a death in the family since my dad died in 2014.

I need to eat but my stomach is in knots. I've tried jumpstarting my hunger by taking my Geodon super early. So far all I've managed since the morning was a Chobani flips yogurt and a 4 pack of Dole dark chocolate frozen bananas.

My uncle means a lot to me. When I came out I was very worried how he would react since he was religioius and at one point even studied to be a preist before deciding not to become one. But he called me after my mom told him and he said how much he supports me and how much I've always meant to him. I can't imagine what hes going through. He had a very bad divorce in 2008 and 2 of his 4 kids don't talk to him. I still talk to them since its one of those situations where you can like the person just not their behavior. But I really really hope they are being kind to him right now

Sick to death of staying home and we're in the middle of an ice storm. It's easing now tho. There was thunder and lightning earlier. I slept better last night, waking up several times but getting back to sleep easily. I had my ZOOM support group. Everyone talked about their Easter plans, and i don't have any. I never do. So i said i was going to have a cocktail party with my dog, and i would wear sequins and be the lady and she would wear a bowtie and be the gent. That got a laugh. I don't really want them knowing that i will be all alone on a holiday, as i am all holidays. At least it's not a brutal occasion, Easter, like Christmas or my birthday. I'm sure there are other people who are out there who are alone, like me.

I’m so sorry that your not getting a ETA back to work. I think lots of Doctors want to wait and see after surgery.

Here’s hoping you heal quick and get on with life

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Thanks ! It is a rough time of year for us ..

Are you feeling better ?? Glad you got some sleep

I’m so proud of you with volunteering, going for part time job and going back to school ! I’m sure you will succeed

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Loads of Hugs !!

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I spent most the night flip flopping and beating myself up over things I never got to do with my life. My Father had my college all figured out when I graduated high school in 1985.. nursing school. What did I do ?? Blew it off. I went to work for medical doctors as medical assistant and thought I was doing the right thing. Undiagnosed Bipolar looking back.

Anyway I never did get in the position to ever go to college to get my RN

I often think how my life would be different if I had a career I longed for and the good financial state I would have been in instead of this brutal struggle to keep the basics going. I never thought my life would funnel into this sometimes miserable place.

There is no way to change things and go for it now when I’m plagued with such health problems.

I know that I have been blessed with Amanda and Steve.

I dunno I just wish my current circumstances where different.

Anyway I’m done *****ing.

Mantra * stop complaining *

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I had a good day. Cool dream last night about being in Germany and at a steam punk future. Was a great start. But I did the lazy thing and stayed in bed an extra hour because brr it was below zero and I didn’t feel up to facing that this morning. Did go to the senior center for lunch and 500. It’s a great way to pass the time. Next week Wednesday we have Easter dinner. Roast beef instead of ham. Getting to recognize faces but names are hard for me. Fortunately on Wednesday everyone wears name tags so that’s very helpful. Like most groups some are better than others about my deafness. Overall though it’s good.

Goodness gracious today was WILD. The kids were out of their minds. All of them, even the nonverbal kids, even the one who hardly ever melts down. She had the worst meltdown of all of them; screaming, crying, head banging, biting herself…all because we tried to get her to get her school picture taken. We had to hold her down so she wouldn’t hurt herself. The three verbal boys spent the whole day giving nasty attitudes and arguing with each other. One of them had a complete meltdown over legos. If I drank you can bet I’d be having a drink tonight! Full moon effect is REAL!

We’re leaving for Florida on Friday. I’m starting to get nervous. I wish I’d asked my pdoc for some Xanax. I’m having a bit of a panic attack right now. My heart is pounding and I can’t breathe for really no reason at all. I’ve been doing well with panic attacks, I haven’t had one in a week. I must just be stressed about the vacation. I just hate traveling so much. The vacation itself should be nice but the actual act of traveling is just SO stressful to me!

Idk if the lexapro is working or if the ECT finally kicked in but I do feel less depressed. But the lexapro is giving me some undesirable personal side effects. So idk if I’m going to stay on it. It all depends on what happens when I come back. Like I said it’s a personal issue so I don’t want to go into details.

Ugh I’m going to take the full 100mg of seroquel tonight and just knock myself out.

Wow, can I relate. I didn't end up doing what I should have done, due to worries about taking on a huge student loan. I could have tried for fellowships or scholarships but instead I decided to wait for my husband to finish school and get a job, which never happened due to his disability.

I just had to
Take out a private student loan for my masters. $20k. Freaks me out

How are y ou doing @Miguel's mom ? you've been very quiet lately. Hope you are ok.

Yesterday I'd hoped to take it easy, at least physically, but predictably that didn't happen. Maybe today, at least a bit. I'm bruised and my back always hurts by the end of the day, but the urge to keep going with the unpacking is so strong, as the more we do, the closer to feeling at home we get.

I bought the Easter bread from a store that I usually make homemade. The only thing I'll actually make for the holiday are pickled eggs and beets. I may make deviled eggs out of the eggs. I haven't had these since my late mother made them, perhaps 20 years ago. I don't have her recipe, but found one online that I think is about the same. Easter dinners are not as big of deals in Czech Republic as they are in the US, or at least were in my family. They have cute traditions here that are practiced, though. My sister-in-law invited us for a nice lunch on Saturday. Hubby and I will be solo on Sunday, though I have a nice dinner planned. I may bake a beránek (a cake in the shape of a lamb) or maybe not. I'm still figuring out my new oven and have never baked one in its special ceramic form. First time things don't always work out perfectly. My sister-in-law gave me the form as a Christmas gift last year.

My brother's situation is dire. My sister and I are frightened and utterly sad. I'll leave this topic at that.