Bipolar Check-In #76

So I tried calling the ACT on-call line but it led me to the CMHC's main line so they led me to their regular crisis line and of course mid-call I lose service and now I'm expecting the police to show up and take me back to the hospital.

edit: I got service back and the ACT team returned my call. No police

Fatigued 😩, lacking energy, weak, depressed. My husband tried forcing me on a walk and I couldn't even make it a block! Very sad.

I’ve had a bad time with anxiety and panic today. Up until now I’ve been curled up in a terrified ball on the couch. I’ve pulled out my bag of tricks and still remain ham stringed with fear. At times like these I’m even terrified to leave the house but I’m determined to do so tonight. I’m going to shower, gussy myself up, go eat at church and go to a grief class led by a psychologist.

I missed the first class due to migraine and the leader called to check on me and we talked for a solid hour. She is so genuine, warm and easy to talk to. She said it was a small group with really sweet ladies eager to meet me. What a blessing and an opportunity.

I’ve told all my medical professionals that I’d take severe depression every day of the year over anxiety. I was on an extremely high level of benzodiazepines and asked to decrease. Could be part of the problem. I used to self medicate with Tylenol PM. It did help but was quite dangerous. Glad I worked through that.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

I went shopping today and bought the most beautiful drinking glasses for my future home. I also found a couple things for my niece at tjmax. I love spoiling her. She’s me best friend.

I ate like an idiot yesterday. I had five chocolate bars and i barely like chocolate. They weren't very good. I woke up about 3:00am with diarrhea until about 5:00am. It was disgusting.

I had made arrangements with my one close neighbor to take my dog in for her nail trim this morning. When i called to cancel because of the diarrhea, she offered to take my dog in herself! They had a great time. She put my dog in the car seat she has for her dog in her backseat and expected my dog to cry. Not only did my dog NOT cry, she lay down! My dog did better in the car seat then her own does!

So that's another thing taken care of. I did my stool test yesterday and brought it into the lab. Another thing taken care of. Getting lots done considering i'm not feeling very well.

Hugs to all who need them!

Not much to report bipolar wise today.

Slept great. Was my night to take the gabapentin so that helped. My hands didn’t bother me during the night but upon awakening they were stiff and I couldn’t make a fist. A bit of exercise and they hurt but we’re more flexible. Thinking of skipping BB tonight and going down to play poker.

I got myself off to 500 today and had a terrific time.

Talked with my new temporary case manager today. Told her what’s been going on. She said I have good insight. She messaged my Pdoc who wrote a Rexulti script for 4 instead of 3 mg which my case manager said Pdoc didn’t send it completely but HAD at 3:00. However, I can’t get it because the pharmacy is insisting they didn’t get it! They dragged that lie out until they were closed! How am I supposed to feel better?!?!?! They won’t even call me if it DOES come in! I hate that man at the pharmacy!

Last night I was so physically and mentally drained I slept straight through from 9:30 until 2:45. Then I went to the bathroom so much and my stomach felt a ton better. Then I fell back asleep from 4 until 8. I haven't been taking melatonin much. I think my vitamin D is helping me sleep better. Hopefully.

Today my pain has been mostly under control. The constipation was really rough and getting through it helped. Also I've been sticking to just Tylenol instead of Aleeve or Advil.

I was supposed to have therapy tonight but she luckily reschedeled for early tommorow afternoon because of personal reasons. I am pretty much out of commission now anyways since I lie down so early. So a night time therapy appointment would be kinda not very productive.

In an attempt to get off the Coke zero (because it's gotten out of control) I'm drinking black tea with stevia instead. We'll see how this goes.

My stomach just feels tense right now. I know it makes more sense to do PT for 8 weeks then to just be put on muscle relaxers. Especially because of the opiod crisis. But it would be nice to have a few prescribed. Back in the 90's they did back surgery on my dad when now he would have just gotten PT.

I fell asleep about half an hour before my therapy session would have started. So yeah. Glad she couldn't do it.

I am out of Prestiq. I had 3 50 mil left but I'm out of the 100mil. It must be on file at the pharamacy or something. I hope.

I took my metformin and tried eating a couple small Halloween Reeses with it and I could only eat one. I'm seeing a decrease in my appetite.

Got our new kitten last night! She is 8 weeks of pure fluffy joy 😊

Awww new kitten 🐱

Hi all,
I really got my feelings hurt today. I think it's probably the first time I've cried since I can remember. My nostalgia bone was tingling and I realized that in May would be my 15 year high school reunion. We've never had a reunion but my class was small and relatively close knit. I posted something on facebook asking if they would like a reunion and I got a lot of traction and positive responses and tons who wanted to help out with it. They just wanted someone to get the ball rolling. I guess all this happened about last week.

I was pumped. I put together a committee to help me more or less navigate the different facets of a reunion planning. I set up a fb page and had a fb cover page banner made special for the occasion. I added a lot of photos from yearbooks and some games/activities so when people visit the page they can engage, interact, reminisce and become excited for the reunion. -- I also polled to get a month to work in etc. I also am working on some decorations and stuff on the side, and I send a email to the high school i went to just to see if using the school as our venue would even be something viable. [We're looking at June most likely as a reunion date]. I'm tracking down classmates that don't use fb too.


It's clear I'm pretty gun ho about it. I know I'm excited. I know I'm probably more committed to this than anyone else, but... I don't feel I deserved some of the response I got.

I was telling my good friend about it, and all the small things I had planned to do. He legitimately asked me "Are you taking your meds?". It jarred me a bit, and hurt my feelings. For the record-- yes I am. I've not been excited or had a project in a long time and it really hurt to be criticized like that.

I was telling my mom about everything and how I was setting up the fb page and I wanted to just proofread out loud to her my draft email to the high school, and she wouldn't even let me start "You're gonna burn everyone out doing all this."

As far as the FB page go-- it's an oversight. My idea was to set it up with content and people could periodically check, but i forgot they probably had their phones blowing up with notifications of each post. Maybe I am annoying the **** out of people. Maybe I am jumping the gun trying to put all our ducks in a row for **** that wont happen for at least 7-9+ months... but honestly I just felt the more I can do now, the easier it will be crunch time. We won't have to struggle rushing things together because it'll all be in place. I saw absolutely NOTHING wrong with asking the school if they are a viable option for the summer. -- for all I know there could be a liability issue and they CAN'T be used. Its better to know now for out other options to come to fruition. ....


I get it -- I'm a horrible planner because I can't seem to wait. If I'm not doing something on a project actively, I feel like I'm wasting precious time.


It's all just left me feeling so upset. All I'm trying to do is make a good reunion for us, a painless experience for everyone and all I've seemed to do is burn every out before we started. I feel defeated.

I’d really like to know what it’s like to live without constant thoughts of people I know dying. It’s not even fear. It’s completely unlikely scenarios but they just come in my head and I can’t get it out. Like today, I was pushing a student on a swing and she leaned back and I pictured her sliding off and injuring her neck and dying. I’m constantly thinking RS is dead, and CR too. I thought since RS had been outside for awhile maybe he had a heart attack. I picture CR falling down the stairs. I saw CR sleeping on the couch and I had to study him for a few seconds to make sure he was still breathing. It’s exhausting.

And when I say it’s not even fear, it’s like when I picture RS gone, it’s more like a “that would just figure wouldn’t it”. Like it would be just my luck. And I can’t even imagine feeling bad about it (though I would be devastated) because I just keep thinking like the universe has tried to beat me down for years, I’ve already been through losing a husband. I feel like I’m due for another disaster.

I guess it’s trauma from suddenly losing my father when I was ten and then suddenly losing my first husband eight years ago. I don’t think anything can be permanent. I’m still semi-convinced that I’m going to lose CR in his early 20s. Don’t ask me why so specific.

I just think I have no right to be happy and the universe will continue to see to it that I never am for an extended period of time.

It would be nice to live without all this negativity but I’m not quite sure how to change it. It’s very deeply ingrained.

I’m doing well aside from the constant thoughts of death. At least it’s not my own this time.

Hugs being sent to all that need them, I know a few of us are struggling I just don’t have the mental energy to individually reply. I apologize.

I had a quiet day. I ordered groceries and attended a ZOOM support group. I feel calm and relaxed.

Hugs to all who are struggling!

Got my flu shot today. Found out the pneumonia shot last 5 or so years so I don’t need that one for awhile. My pharmacy got the covid shots in today but my insurance hasn’t approved covid vaccines yet. They told me to check back in a week or so, it’s so new insurance hasn’t caught up.

My building had the weekly movie today and I really clicked with the lady next to me. She is around my sister’s age and has my sister’s name. The movie was fun. I think I’ll make it a weekly thing to see the movies. It breaks up the day and it’s a fun group.

My doctor's office finally got back to me. My pdoc said it was okay for me to go down to 50mg of seroquel but to not make anymore changes on my own until our next appointment. I think he's getting pissed I keep on going off of things without talking to him first!

That's fine. I hadn't planned on making anymore changes until I talked to him first anyway, though the next med I was going to wean myself off of was Lamictal.

I woke up with this really bad anxiety. I'm not sure what from. Last night I was totally ok. I'm not in pain for once. I don't have any of those bad feelings I get. I just woke up with ****** anxiety.

Been photosynthesizing at lunch breaks, but will need to bring out the light box soon.

Didn't get hypomanic this spring/summer, so luckily I can stay on the 400mg lamictal. I was worried I'd need to find a new stabilizer.

Cautiously carrying on as usual.

I know that thinking at this time of year! I have SAD too. Even if I have my medications right the last two falls I have noticed a dip right at this time in Sept. I talked to my NP and we agreed I could add some Prozac in the winters which seems to help. I live in sunny FL so I really can't revert to a lightbox Lol

I moved to FL almost 10 yrs ago because I wasn't making it living up north.
Good luck ~

I am feeling caustiously more settled today about the endless job search I seem to be in. See Groundhog Day. Talking to the disability atty yest seems to have helped. They don't want the case. That makes me feel better! But the other side is rough for me historically.

I don't play so well with others as as I used to. Thinking to work remotely out of my house now. But! There is one remaining interview Monday. We'll see.

Life is weird. The best quote I have read this year so far:

Let go of the illusion that it would turn out differently

Thank you lots sophia. Florida, yes, different places different struggles. Keep your chin up.

I too seem to not be as graceful and tactful as I once was (if that's what you mean by "get on"). But I've came to terms with my differences. My therapist always prides me on my self awareness and says it's a very key part to how well I've been responding to therapy in her point of view.

My throat has been so sore since yesterday. Been drinking turmeric lattes and honey herbal tea but it’s still sore.

Haven’t really slept properly the 2 nights because my new kitten, Nala, lies wherever she pleases on my bed lol. Including on my pillow or halfway across my face. She adores scratches and purrs like crazy when I stroke her but she can’t tolerate being picked up. Took her to the vet yesterday to get vaccinated and microchipped and the vet gave her a clean bill of health but said maybe her previous owner didn’t pick her up much but if i just persevere she might come around. Wish I knew how to upload pics so I could show you guys!

I’ve put myself in a bad mood with all my contemplations. Today is hard, I’ve been hit, scratched, pinched, and almost bitten. And the kids are making so much noise! So glad it’s the weekend soon. I’m going to try to force myself on a walk right after work to enjoy this beautiful weather. Maybe some coloring tonight to relax.

Yeah, enjoy the weather! I bought a "reverse" coloring book, draw the lines - kind of fun.