Bipolar Check-In #76

I got my “try to buy” boot’s delivered today. They were too tight so exchanged them for the next size up as I quite like them. That meant going to the library and printing the return label. As long as I was out I got a few groceries and my salads. The icing on the cake was that there was a parking space right in front of my building! The goddess was looking out for me, it was meant that I leave my cocoon and venture out today. Really quite nice out too, around 70F with sun.

Last night was probably the worst night I ever spent alone. I was in a hotel room and my mom and brother were out and I forgot to bring crackers or a soda with me. I was so nauseated and in pain. I dry heaved multiple times. I took an extra valium to see if it was just anxiety and that didn't work. I tried sitting on the couch in the other room and watching Bobs Burgers and Family Guy. I fooled around with the temp all night.

Finally my mom got back late but with a can of Coke and some crackers. Today, I've been very unusally fatugued and needing multiple coffees and soda, but I did get stuff done.

I got my written results back from my scan. It said something about a redunted right side colon or bowel. And some other stuff. Like a delayed reaction to the barium. I googled it and there was just like a bunch of possible diagnosis and talk about surgery and stuff.

Idk all I know is it feels like Tapey The Tapeworm is in my lower right side causing pain, and I hope my doctor actually calls soon.

Well I’ve just blocked my counsellor on text message and email. So I’m having a great day, yes.

I got my blood test done today. It's been hanging over me for six weeks. I've made three appointments and cancelled them all. I hate having appointments. It's so hard to predict how i'm going to feel on that day. Finally i noticed on their site that the wait time for walk-ins wasn't bad, so i did that. I ended up waiting 45 minutes but they have a screen posting your time in queue so that was helpful. I still had a lot of anxiety. I noticed all the others were on their phones while i was just staring around wild-eyed with anxiety.

But i got it done, so that's one thing out of the way. It's the first time i've left my dog alone without her cone since her booboo started many weeks ago and she was fine. So that was a relief too.

Not feeling too good, but i'm safe, and have peace, quiet, and privacy to relax in, so it could be worse.

Our local drive in is showing Taylor swifts eras tour this fall and im
Taking my niece and her bestie!!!! They’re 11 and so much fun. We’re gonna make friendship bracelets to take and trade too. I need more fun.

It was a nice weekend and today has been a good start to the week. Saturday, I had a lot of trouble sleeping-it could have been because of to much caffeine close to bed (which doesn't usually bother me because I have an evening cup of coffee every day) or my brain giving me a warning that, if I don't start getting enough sleep, hypomanic symptoms are going to kick in again. So far, that has been the only night I've had issues. I just don't know when to get the right amount of sleep in because of working full time, being in grad school, and needing to dedicate time to my boyfriend and others in my life...

I had an interesting counseling session today-she made it clear that this suggestion has nothing to do with our counselor/client relationship and that this would not mean she would stop seeing me, but she wonders if I would benefit from some CBT. She is not trained in this (she's a trauma therapist) so, if I choose to take her up on this, I would have two counselors, a psychiatrist, and a spiritual director. I feel like having all four people could either be beneficial or turn in to to many cooks in the kitchen. I can see why she thinks I could benefit from this though. I also don't know if my insurance company would cover two therapists and there is no way I can see my current counselor and someone else if insurance won't cover it. Some stuff to think about I guess.

I have generally been in good mood and felt happy the last weeks. Yesterday I felt tired and wanted to rest a bit. Guess what? I slept for almost three hours in the middle of the day.

I stayed up two hours longer than usual before bedtime and slept for nine hours. Today I feel drowsy and tired. I try to use what I learned in the neuroscience book about depression and say to myself: "It is only your limbic system (the inner parts of the brain) that has become out of control because you slept too much yesterday. To overcome this you have to use your "prefrontal cortex" (parts of the brain that are on the front) to decide to overrule your " limbic system".

Put in other words: "Use your thinking power to be stronger than the parts that control your emotions".

The book on neuroscience appeals to me. It is not about pulling oneself together, but about using knowledge to try to not fall downward.

I read it as if it is a map of Europe or America, and not a map only, but a book about how to help some parts of the brain to overrule other parts, and in essence create new habits (teach the brain to act differntly). I love it! It is good that we are all differnt and can use our different interests to help ouselves to some degree.

The sun is shining, so I am going outside for a walk.

You’d think I’m depressed the way I am at home lately. The last two days I’ve slept from 11:30 pm to 2:00 pm. Maybe 3 days. My sink is full of dirty dishes that I don’t feel like doing. I had to throw out a big container of yogurt because when I opened the lid I saw that the plastic cover that goes under the lid was completely off and just sitting there bunched up! I threw it out and just ate the peach I was going to put in the yogurt. In fact, my whole apartment is a mess. Thing is now that I’m out at Starbucks with my friend I don’t feel depressed. I don’t get it. It’s gorgeous out and cool enough to wear jeans- when I put them on they fit better. Not tight at all!

Edit: I left a message for my case manager. It occurred to me that I may be in a mixed episode. She probably won’t call back today as it’s 5:00 now.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get off 50mg of seroquel . It makes me feel so much better, mood-wise and anxiety wise. I'm really disappointed. I'm trying to reduce my med list as much as possible.

I can relate to what you said about creating new habits and helping yourself. I learned a lot about that when I was in the IOP program earlier this summer.

It's not a cure or even a sure way out, but the skills help with coping so that things don't escalate. And if things don't escalate, that builds some confidence in yourself to maybe to be able to try other things.

I'm still depressed and anxious but I find it more manageable. They're still present but I feel I can navigate with them.

I’m so pleased for you! It always feels good to finally get things done. Kudos!

So happy you got out and had pleasant weather.

When I fell off the front porch the other day I cut my arm pretty good. I’ll spare you the gross details but I will say that it is infected and painful. I’ve been taking some antibiotics I had on hand and cleaning it but I’ll have to call the doctor tomorrow.

In addition, I’ve managed to infect both eyes with some kind of crud. That’s painful as well. It’s not pink eye. The eye doctor can’t fit me in until Friday. Until then I’m not seeing too well at all.

Finally, I ended up locking myself out of my email account of over 30 years and apparently have actually deleted it. Upset doesn’t begin to describe it. There was just so many valuable things on that account that are gone. Lessons have been learned.

I have a busy day tomorrow so I’m snuggled up in my soft blanket watching Road House and hoping to sleep off today’s frustrations.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

Ooo I’m sorry sunflower. Losing that email account was horrible. I can surely relate to that. I’ve had one account for nearly that long. There are some people that I only know though that account. M so sorry for that and your physical stuff.

Man am I just tired of it all right now. If I could just take a giant dump I don't think I'd be feeling quite this way. My other pain and nausea are ok thanks to some stuff they gave me in the ER. They said things are ok but to message my pdoc a list of my meds my primary and GI doc put me on to see if theres any interactions going on. They gave me a lidacaine patch which was amazing. But yeah basically its just tension and constipation. I had to reschedule my therapy appointment and she only had an opening for tommorow night. Which I took. I don't know if I'll be functioning or not though since I'm normally zonked out at that time. But this is the second time I've cancelled on such short notice.

Basically there are about 3 or 4 things heavily stressing me out right now. 1 is a bit silly but I don't feel like getting into it right now since its stressful.

Just checking in

So I just had an ECG done and now I have bradycardia (as a result of substance use). At my prior ECG I had tachycardia (as a side effect of an antidepressant I was on). Even my heart's bipolar

I did a 30 day program for dual diagnosis and I'm restarting IOP tomorrow. Gonna get my shyt under control for real this time. I think having a mandatory 30+ day break with med management is what I needed (although others there were still sneaking stuff in and it was incredibly tempting to join in), and I got out just in time for my birthday So now I'm on a crap ton of meds and my pdoc isn't happy about it but she can suck it until I'm back up to a therapeutic dose of Lamictal and don't need to be on three antipsychotics and need three meds for side effects. Honestly probably the only three meds I really need are lamotrigine, fluphenazine, and maybe amantadine.

And I just noticed my nose is messed up. Like it's crooked. idk wtf happened or when

Hugs to all

Welcome back

I am so tired of everything thats been going these past couple months with me I'm literally crying for the first time since Uvalde and it feels so weird because my T shots make it really hard for me to get upset enough to cry.

I emailed my therapist something thats been on my mind for awhile. I hope she doesn't think I'm insane.

Using the bathroom did make me feel better.

I talked with my friend who has a phd in behavioral pharmacology an now is a therapist. He suggested that I set an alarm and try to tackle my chores in the morning. I know he’s right but it’s so easy to just keep falling back to sleep and escaping into dreams for another 8 hours. Hope my case manager calls me back tomorrow so I can get a message to Pdoc so she can hopefully prescribe a med change.

hugs to those who could use one.
(((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

For you too bizi

I am sorry! Hope you get help soon. About loosing your emails: That must be irritating.

Once you get into the habit of doing things as soon as you wake up, it's pretty easy to keep it going. As soon as I get up I make some coffee, jump in the shower every morning, then I take my meds and then I'm up and about for the day. I have not slept or napped past 6am in the past month and it feels pretty good.

Good morning everybody! First day of IOP today (well, just intake, but still have to go there).

Today I meet with a good friend of mine who is going to give me more information on NDIS application. Not sure I’d meet the criteria, but she reckons I will. She’s funded for autism and gets her garden taken care of and a cleaner once a week. I could so do with a cleaner. My house is a constant mess. It’s not “rubbish” lying around it’s bits and pieces constantly out of place and I just don’t have the energy to put everything away.

Next week Friday my 2 eldest kids are coming to visit for dinner. Going to have a massive clean up before they arrive. Especially given my 23 year old son is ocd and can’t handle mess lol. Having 3 dogs doesn’t help either. Spoke to my partner last night about adopting a rescue kitten under 10 months old. Either that or becoming a temporary foster carer. A sad case here in Melbourne where 70 cats were rescued from a hoarders house and this foster organisation near me is looking for carers. I filled out an application form yesterday. We’ll see how it goes.