Bipolar Check-In #78

Ugh. CANNOT SLEEP. Went to bed at 12:30AM, woke up at 2:30AM. It is now 5:40AM! Ugh! Took a melatonin and 100mg of seroquel an hour ago, but it's not working. Getting frustrated. I'd be fine, IF MY COMPUTER WAS CHARGED. Can't be on my computer in the bedroom where it's charging because I'll wake my husband up.

Sigh.

I literally applied to a job at like 2 this morning. Its a job I have a ton of expierence in so the only thing holding me back is my gap in employment. I hope I get it. I told them I could start next Monday.

As soon as it hit midnight I was like "you are getting your *** together in 2024."

I started off eating a lot of plant based frozen things. Then after awhile I just started just eating Goldfish crackers and other snack like items for meals.

I rarely ate meat before anyways besides pieces of meat in things like soups and stews. But soup would help a lot

Okay. Just curious.

If you decide to go vegetarian again, it's good to stay away from plant based frozen foods (or vegan "junk food" as I like to call it) and eat more beans, etc., to get your protein.

OMG what a night!

So I took CBD a couple of times throughout the day to lower my anxiety. Then at 9pm, right on schedule, I had a major anxiety attack.

I planned to stay up until midnight, so I took a Klonopin so I could cope with the high anxiety for a few hours.

The Klonopin did it's thing and I was able to get through the anxiety and was able to get to sleep after welcoming in the new year.

The night became crazy sometime around 5sm when I spontaneously got out of bed, intending to go somewhere. I was really dizzy so I laid down again.

I had these really intense dreams about my son wanting to harm me. I was half awake so I could think about my thoughts but they were really strong. I have not felt paranoia like that before. It passed eventually and by the time I got up, it had pretty much cleared but I still remember what it was like. It was really intense.

Obviously, the CBD and Klonopin had some kind of interaction. I'm ok now.

Am I allowed to feel this good?

I had an ok nye . Had a buffet at 5 pm, then a dirty bingo game. Was all over by 7 pm. I had a glass of wine and shuffled channels settled on The Partridge Family for a time. Then turned on CNN until the east coast had their 2024. Then flip around coming back to CNN at my midnight. Whoa, what a disaster. Yappy yap right up to the minute and no music. Disappointing. Went to bed and read for an hour or so. Slow day. Have bingo at 6:30 otherwise a quiet day.

Yes.

My husband was released from the hospital without anyone notifying me and showed up at my house when I was at work. My father was so furious he made him get on a bus back to NY. There is a lot more to this crazy story, but I am so exhausted I can't even go into details. I swear my life feels like a movie sometimes. I have been so symptomatic with feelings of wanting to drink so badly because I don't want to feel. This is so hard.

Thanks beautiful 😍

I'm so happy it's the new year. Last year was the first year that i haven't had a hypomanic episode! The whole year long passed without one! It's because i'm in menopause and resisted taking an anti-depressant at the end of Winter, when my depression has worn me down. I didn't accumulate any additional shameful memories of outrageous hypomanic behavior to grieve over. I decided to become a recluse and it's going well.

Yay Jane!

Two days til I see Pdoc. I stopped taking that vraylar as it didn’t seem to
Help at all. Been spending time with my niece and nephew. That cheers me up.

I love this kids

Lots of
Wedding plans to
Complete. Ugh. So expensive

Happy New Year everyone!!

Well, I did the accounting today and all the math adds up. The $50 deposit is reflected in my bank account as well as all of my expenses. The app still doesn't reflect this and since this is the 21st Century, my bank doesn't have an automated telephone teller line. I had to drive to the nearest ATM to get my balance.

My Saturday shift finally showed up as well. I have no need of any advances, but it's good that it's in the record. Just a bit annoying that the apps "took a holiday" too!

First world problems? Yeah, probably. But the scare of losing approximately $150 (full days wages plus $50) off my first paycheck of the new year was... anxiety inducing.

I've got a few more headaches waiting in the wings, but I can get to those tomorrow. Right now, I'm craving a fried egg sandwich. Gonna fix that and find a movie to watch.

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope your appointment goes well! @raspberrytorte didn't you say you have an appointment this week too? If so, I hope yours also goes well!

Tomorrow is a big day: I return to work (well, in person) for the first time in several weeks. I also seem my pdoc. I'm worried about telling him just how bad things have been/are.

I'm also worried about going back to work. From my vantage point, things were handled in a way that made things a mess while I was gone. I saw a coworker today (one of the ones who covered for me while I was out) and it sounds like she agrees to this (at least somewhat). I'm also worried about seeing my boss because of how angry I am at him and am worried about how my health will hold up, especially since I have to hit the ground running, including marching down to the office to figure out what the heck is going on with my pay for the month of December. Thanks to winter break/people being out of the office, this is the soonest I can talk to anyone about this...

It will be really nice to see my students again though-they really are a fun group to teach.

Yes. My appointment is on Wednesday. I'm SO hoping for a seroquel increase. My sleep has been shyt. I'm going to be honest with him and tell him that. I also have an eye doctor appointment that day. Badly in need of new glasses!

I hope your pdoc appointment and first day back at work goes well. Be honest with your pdoc, or he can't help you properly.

Good luck!

((Hugs))

75 days til the wedding and I feel so unprepared

My mind is full of scattered thoughts and feelings.

I’m feeling down

Notion! Notion is free software that you can use for planning the wedding so that you feel in control, prepared, and able to actually enjoy the anticipation. @HALLIEBETH87

Hello hypo my old friend……

I managed to sleep thank
Goodness.

See Pdoc at 8am tomorrow. Gonna ask for latuda as I know it helped in the past. Worried about not getting approved for an apt

I'm having some problems. I keep on having these extended panic attacks at night where I feel like I can't breathe for hours because I'm scared to fall asleep and have another stupid nightmare!!! It happened to me again last night. Plus I'm all anxious about my pdoc appointment tomorrow.

I have to start tapering off seroquel. But I'm already having trouble sleeping while ON seroquel. Ugh! What started out fun has become not so fun. I'm waiting and talking to my pdoc tomorrow though and seeing what happens.

I went out to breakfast today. I have a hard time going out to eat but I decided to just push myself and go. It was crowded but not bad. My mom and I got a booth next to the wall. I ordered 2 flapjacks and they gave me 1. I didn't care since 1 was plenty. I just made sure they only charged me for 1. After that I got a nonfat iced matcha latte and I came home and now I'm just watching TV. I might use my VR set a bit. I've only had 733 calories for the day because of the flapjack mix up and the nonfat instead of whole milk latte. I'm not sure what else I have planned today. Adding meat back in hasn't been too easy. I tried some turkey last night and got grossed out. I'll just have to get used to it. There were a couple guys in their 70's at the diner talking about weird stuff like how Epstein didn't off himself because where did he get the stuff from to do it. I love diners and the folks who go there.

I went to the gym today and had a good workout.

I took CBD late yesterday to find out if it would help with my 9pm anxiety attack. It was only partially effective. Maybe I'm not taking enough.

I can only tell you about CBD for sleep. I took it in 2017 and it did not work at all. I stopped taking it. Then in 2020 I started seeing a sleep psychologist. She did her postgrad at Stanford and is very science-oriented who checks every claim against available research skeptically. She told me for sleep, CBD does not have research backing and it was not surprising that it did not work for me. It is all hype surrounding CBD. But again I do not know about anxiety.

I'm really sensitive to sound. I'm not sleeping well because of my husband CPAP. I'm irritated and angry. I don't think the upping latuda is helping. I have to get an EKG tomorrow. To see if the latuda ****ed with my heart. I'm still getting sick with it. I'm just so frustrated. I'm trying to hold my tongue. I'm overstimulated.