Bipolar Check-In #78

I just threw up a bit again. First time since the 27th. I haven't been very hungry today. I just ate some lightly salted Pringles and I'm trying to calm my stomach and hopefully doze off for a bit.

I read that Nostradamous predicts for 2024 a lot of severe weather, conflict in the red sea, and Harry taking over instead of William. Oh yeah and a new pope.

Weird stuff.

Irritable with my fiance today. Oops. Backing off for a few hours.

I'm SO anxious. It's terrible. I can't get my diazepam refill until tomorrow. I didn't take my full dose today so I'd have one to take tomorrow morning. Feeling the withdrawal. Took two gabbies and a seroquel. Hopefully they help. This is just awful. Damn diazepam! I hate being this dependent on a med.

All things considered, my first day back to work went well! The kids are getting back into the swing of things with me there pretty quickly and many seemed excited to see me back so that was nice. I sure am exhausted though!

I think my pdoc appointment went well. Today was one of those days where he helpes me to both unpack life and figure out my meds (instead of mainly having to focus on meds). He asked me a really good question about my SI thoughts often presenting as wishes to have never existed this time around-I honestly think it might be a key part to helping me process these thoughts and learn how to cope with them.

I appreciate how much he includes me and my thoughts in the process. Not once have I felt like I've asked a stupid question or brought up a dumb idea with him. Once the pharmacy has it in stock, if I do not have negative side effects, I'll start slowly working up to 400 mg of tegretol twice a day. I go back to my pdoc in 3 weeks. I will hopefully be able to start the med in time to get enough in my system to get my levels tested before my next appointment.

First day at work. WFH because I needed a nap and a long one. Hoping to be able to go into the office tomorrow. But did some good work today and found it engrossing so can't complain.

Just tripped over my black Labrador walking into the lounge and fell flat onto the floor. Going to have a black and bruised arm for sure. So freaking sore….,

I'm so anxious 😟. I think I'm going to be sick.

Thanks, @Tart Cherry Jam.

Looks like it's a miss for anxiety, too.

I had my anxiety attack last night, it started at about 7. I took a Klonopin but it didn't work. By 8 I was in a bad situation.

I managed to calm down and was able to sleep but I got up 3 hours early with another anxiety attack. I just took another Klonopin, hopefully this one works.

I've stopped CBD for now, until I get things under control.

I hate anxiety...

He upped my Celexa and lybalvi today.

My pdoc appointment went well. He upped my topamax to 100mg per day from 50mg and my seroquel to 300mg from 200mg plus 100mg prn, and put me back on 20mg of propranolol for my anxiety attacks at night. Going to pick that stuff up later today with my diazepam. I asked about the seroquel XR, but he told me it doesn't work and that it's just more expensive.

He's gone on vacation all February and my next appointment with him isn't until April 2nd, so we're not taking me off any of my meds right now because I don't want to end up in the hospital while he's on vacation. Once he gets back though we're going to start tapering me off some stuff. I'm on way too many ****ing meds!!! I'm a walking pharmacy for Pete's sake!

You can do anything you set your mind to!

@raspberrytorte glad you got your meds sorted out hun 😊

@Crazy Hitch

Thank you. 😊

Been walking for two
Hours at the mall.

I’m exhausted .so
Hopefully I’ll
Sleep ok

I slept ok last night. I took a new kind of melatonin. I'm a mess physically today. Just the same nausea and stomach pain. Eating didn't help. Sonic forgot half my food anyways. I got some groceries from Walmart delivered. Just the normal mac and cheese I eat and stuff I was out of. I tried out my medicare wellness debit card. I get $67 a month that can roll over into next month. I got more Pepcid and Dramamine with it.

I haven't heard anything yet from the job I applied to. I look daily on Indeed for other options. Maybe I should try company websites instead.

H asked if I was sure I wanted to go to trivia tonight given my sensitivity to sound. I don't get it
Anger, sensitive to sound, lack of sleep but not up. Almost like a migraine without the migraine part. I see the doctor Monday. I'm going to ask if I can stop taking the extra 40mg.

I believe you can have a migraine with sensitivity to sound but without migraine pain, but I am not sure.

Didn’t do much today. Add me to the list of people on this board who have been feeling anxious. I was up until 1 worrying and feeling anxious about the characters in the show I’d been watching. Like their turmoil somehow added to how I was feeling. I’ve just been worrying so much! Meanwhile, Caleb and I are planning a trip together! Our first trip! He likes to travel. I hope he pays for most of the trip. It’s just going to be for a weekend but it should be a lot of fun. We’re not going till Spring but we spent 3 hours planning and just talking about the trip in general last night.

The Klonopin I took in the morning worked, my anxiety really got knocked down. It was still there but things were more manageable.

I took another one just now (11 hours later), for the evening anxiety attack. I hope it works.

@Scooter9

I hope it works for you too!

Hi everyone

Our trip to Florida sucked on so many levels. Ugh ! I hate going but god knows the kids are never going to come here for the holidays. Oh well

Otherwise I guess I’m okay. I really miss Richard. Not having a person to just dump my head out to in person is difficult to manage honestly. Steve asked me today if I need to find someone if I need too or I can talk to him. LOL he doesn’t need to know the crazy that swirls in my head. I don’t see myself finding a new T. I have no desire to regurgitate my life to bring someone up to speed.

I hope everyone’s start to the New Year is going well.

***hugs***

I was just thinking... if my T (he is my pdoc, too) retires, I do not see myself finding a new one to, exactly, regurgitate my life to bring them up to speed.

By he is only in his early 60s and in good health, so hopefully he will be going strong for many years still.

I enjoyed the second half of a Netflix series today called "Gypsy." It's about a dysfunctional therapist. The story took too long to build, i felt. It was ten episodes long and it's only in the last ep that her dysfunction is revealed. It would have been more interesting if the seeds of doubt were sown earlier in the series because for nine eps it just seemed like a lesbian story -- not very interesting.

Then i had fun tonight dancing around gently, swaying, to my favorite songs.

Another day and the only one i talked to was Siri! Suits me fine!

Hugs to all those in need!