Bipolar Check-In #78

I'm having a rough time right now. Daughter getting bullied at school (I'm SO upset), can't get my seroquel refill until MARCH 2ND (even if I got an increase), two rejections back to back, computer acting up (something wrong with the fan), stupid hernia (it's BACK. Even if I had ****ing HERNIA REPAIR SURGERY OVER THE SUMMER), getting sick again, anxiety THROUGH THE ROUGH.

I know.

BOOHOO.

Flying so high this morning. I see my pdoc in 2 months. Don’t want him to take me antidepressants away. I just want to enjoy this.

Usually the enjoyment is short lasting then things spiral out of control. I call the pdoc. Safe landings.

took the 20/10mg of lybalvi last night as my pdoc says im having psychotic symptoms and man am i tired. i slept so good though! took the upped celexa this am too so heres hoping those together will cheer me up asap

The Klonopin I took last evening worked partially, better than not at all. I was able to manage the anxiety attack, but it was still around and pretty strong, but I made it.

I'm going to try several doses of CBD today to find out if it helps. 2 doses did very little, so now I'm going to try a total of 4 throughout the day and evening.

If it doesn't work, I still have Klonopin and I see my pdoc in a week.

Got my seroquel situation figured out. My insurance company won't cover it until the 12th of this month, which is totally fine. Have PLENTY seroquel to last until then.

Daughter did NOT want to go to school today. She was so upset. She shared with one of her supposed "friends" that she's bisexual and has a crush on this girl and the "friend" told everyone and now apparently EVERYONE is talking about it and gossiping about her.

I don't understand what the big ****ing deal is! So what if she's bi and has a crush on a girl. I hate seeing my daughter so distraught!

Husband wants to go out for dinner and a movie tonight but I don't feel good. Maybe I'll feel better after a nap.

My energy levels and anxiety have been ok. Physically I've been fine too. I've been a bit testy and irritated though. Mainly with my mom but it showed a bit in therapy. I wonder if it was the Zzquil I took last night? I know you shouldn't really take that with psych meds.

I got a really good haul at the international market and some other stuff from various grocery stores. I tried IHOP's Wonka purple pancakes but it was like eating a cupcake. Just pure icing on top and cream cheese frosting on the insIde. Kinda gross tbh.

Case manager called to tell me that my pnurse finally got back to her about if I need an antipsychotic or not. She said that there are so many meds that I can’t take because I’ve had reactions to them that she’s going to hold off on prescribing me anything new- at least until my appointment in two weeks.

Lord I was tired ALL DAY! i was so calm though which felt great like when I take my prn klonopin. it was releiving to feel like all day. its 28 degrees outside here tonight. too cold for my liking!

class starts next week. im gonna start it early and hopefully kick asss

So it looks like 4 doses of CBD did the trick!

I felt like I had taken a Klonopin, the same showing down of everything which helped keep the anxiety somewhere more manageable.

I was able to function throughout the day so that's good.

And at night, no really strange dreams - just a recurring dream about when I was in highschool.

Now I need to figure out how to take it on gym days. Maybe I'll just take 3 doses to find out if that works.

@Scooter9

Oh good! I'm so happy it worked out for you.

Still high. Not going to lie. Feels AMAZING!

There's some tension (I think? I'll clarify a bit below.) with my job.

Basic summary of what I do: I'm a third party contractor selling prepaid cell phones in Wal-Mart locations. I talk to the customers, talk up my phones and do activations, upgrades and basic maintenance that doesn't involve taking the phone apart.

The big complication, for me and for them, involves the actual, at the register, sale. I can't make the actual sale. I don't have access to registers and my company prohibits me from doing so on pain of termination. Main logic behind it is sound: They want me to be able to solely focus on selling and working on my phones without me essentially becoming a new Wally World hire Wally World doesn't have to pay for. That the "in theory" part.

In practice, it means I have to completely rely on Wal-Mart associates or even my (friendly) competition to get sales. Cue a busy Friday or Saturday with a chronically understaffed Wal-Mart electronics and a competitor who's having a good day...

Enter the two different ideas I have to hold in tension. One, I'm not a Wal-Mart associate. I'm not in the chain of command and have no power to compel them to do anything. I don't have a desire to anyway because a) I like them. and b) I need a working relationship with them anyway to get stuff done.

Which leads to Two, It's in my best interests (and aids the Wally World workers) to help keep the line moving. I can help out with small tasks, answer questions and fetch certain items if things get backed up. When it comes to sales, getting large items, unlocking others and so on, I relay the customers wants and needs to the Wally World people who put it in their checklist.

This is where the tension (?) comes in. One of the workers seems to think I'm being too imperious, too domineering when it comes to acting as "traffic control." I don't believe I am, but I'm fully aware that how you think you come across and how you actually do can be very different things. Also, it comes in the form of quiet passive aggressive sniping that she's done with two other people. And I mean quiet in the low volume sense. You can barely hear her sometimes and this woman hates stopping to repeat.

So, I don't even know if she was complaining about me specifically or just work in general. I wouldn't care if her thin skin didn't have the potential to cost me sales and make my job harder. I hope I'm wrong. I want to be wrong. I like this person and she's generally a pleasure to work with.

I have no desire or inclination to antagonize anyone, but I will not walk on eggshells because someone had a stressful day.

I guess that's why I'm venting a bit.

Care to tell us what you have been up to or what thoughts have been running in your head that feel amazing?

I was happily wrong. Nothing cropped up today. I think it's just me still trying to apply the 'Just because it's happened (so many times) before, doesn't mean it'll happen again." mindset. Stuff like this hasn't happened in ages, but sometimes I'll still expect the worst when it's not warranted.

Still, happy to be wrong!

Caleb and I are going to a local museum tomorrow! I’ve only been there once before so it should be fun.

I've been kind of all over the place since Christmas. With sleep and my moods mainly. I think it has to do with my VR set and this insane constipation. I checked my job application today and the status still says open. I think I'll give them a call on Monday. Give them a full week. Today I haven't been feeling great because of my constipation. My mom doesn't know how bad it is. Mental health wise I've been fine besides being a bit crabby as a result of the constipation. My anxiety is fine. My depression is decent. I see my pdoc on Monday and I could use something tweaked but I'm not sure what. I think my issues are situational and not med related. At least not pysch med related.

Here’s hoping he doesn’t retire for a long time

I’m so sorry things are so rough right now :sadhug~

Can you talk with someone at school about your daughter being bullied ? It’s so awful I suffered also.

Just woke up feeling sorry for myself. I keep thinking about the lousy trip to Florida for the holidays. I won’t go into any detail but I really wish Richard was still working. I said it before but I really miss being able to go to his dusty ole book smelling office and just unload everything. *sigh*

Hugs all around ~

I can literally smell and picture the 'dusty ole book smelling office` the way you described it.

Went away on an overnight holiday with the family. Was so lovely! 😊

I don’t know, I’m fine but if it weren’t for the people in my complex I’d be isolating. I stopped going to the Y, though I do keep in phone contact with a couple people. One, just talked me into meeting for lunch next week. I haven’t been to the senior center in months. I do feel obligated to say yes to the people in my building though. That’s perhaps a good thing. I think it’s all the cold and darkness. Oh so gloomy. The ten day forecast is gloomy and probable snow. Perhaps I need to invest in a sun lamp?

Today I finally talked myself into going to the library. An effort that means getting dressed, looking presentable and donning outerwear, taking the elevator down and crossing the street to get to my car. I got to the library and I had forgotten my wallet!! So I returned the books I had and came home empty handed.

Victoria is hanging out with us today. I ruined the day talking about jobs and school. Meeting her girlfriends today.

I lik how calm i feel after i take my upped dose of lybavi. it feels so good to just feel calm