Bipolar Check-In #78

So... my day ended on a very stressful, blood pressure spiking note. I nearly caused a man to lose his freedom. Accidentally.

He wanted to transfer his number to a new device. Fair enough. He was also on probation and interacts with and checks in with his PO via an app. The app transferred, but the login didn't. When we tried to do a "Forgot Password," the reset code didn't send. Did I mention this all happened twenty minutes before a check in?

Luckily we got him set, in the short term at least, and I'm going to take a blood pressure pill! Not something I wanted to have on my conscience!

Thanks, Christina.

She's doing better now. Faced her bullies and everything is fine.

I've been eating poorly and suffering consequences. At 2:00pm i said, that's it, i'm giving my digestive system a rest. Since then i've abstained except for one pizza snack of 260 calories. So that's ten hours with just the one snack. I feel a lot more comfortable. I even did some light exercise. I'm so fragile from all the inertia that my muscles are sore already. I only had one Coke Zero today.

Not sure where this is going, but at least i've made some healthy choices for today. One day at a time.

Hugs to all who struggle!

I took a measuring cup of zzquil and then a couple extra swigs from the bottle and I only slept for a couple hours. I took 6 pieces of chocolate Exlax and I'm not even getting rumblings in my stomach.

Wtf

Damn it! The seroquel increase didn't help. I still can't sleep for more than two to four hours (four if I'm lucky) at a time.

I think I’ve slept 12 hours in 5 nights. I’m not sure. Easily lose track of time and days. Plus I’m on holiday so Monday is the same as a Wednesday.

Can dead people see us and follow us around?

Do you mean like ghosts (which is debatable, but has not been proven in any way, but I know I believe in that kinda stuff) or zombies (which is a no) or something else (care to explain?)?

Well I think the term ghosts is more fictional. Do you think people we know who have died watch us?

Kinda. I don't think they're "people" anymore, but I think their energy/soul still exists and ends up in other forms of energy. I spent a lot of time with my grandma and I think she turned into electricity for example because funky things have happened with TVs, computers, phones, radios, etc. when I would visit my aunt's (where my grandma used to live). I definitely think her energy considers the living world. Or my other aunt is chemical potential energy. I think my old cat, Moose, is the heat from the sun. I think he's still "here" witnessing what goes on. Not necessarily that they're "watching us," but just that their spirit lives on and notices the tangible world we can witness using our 5 senses.

Just my thoughts. I don't really feel my grandma's/aunt's/Moose's/anyone else I've lost over the years' eyes on me, but certain situations do make me sense they're not 100% gone.

I keep thinking my anxiety is messed up for no reason and my pdoc needs to help me out then I take a look at my food log and realize I've had a can of Mountain Dew and a 44oz iced coffee with easy ice and some chips for breakfast. So maybe its just a me issue.

fall down 7 times get up 8......

And my dumb headphones won't stay in while Elton John is playing and my nose is running and I have post nasal drip and I am so tired.

I was totally fine a week ago.



I did talk to my mom about things

Now I just feel blah and I'm listening to Whitney Houston and eating Goldfish crackers. I have a Goldfish cracker vice. I can go through 3 bags a week..

I really want to see Mean Girls but I don't want to draw attention to myself. Although where I live you can fly a pride flag all year round and no one gives a ****. So I think I'd be ok going.

It looks like 3-4 doses of CBD seem to be working for me.

As always, it partially works. I guess the best way to describe it is that it reduces the edge.

So it's a toss up between 2 doses of Klonopin or 4 doses of CBD.

Otherwise still feeling the same.

I have an appointment for blood work in the morning. The clinics are so crowded that I had to make the appointment 3 weeks ago!

My pdoc prescribed Tegretol on Tuesday, but I wasn't able to start it until last night because of it being out of stock. The pharmacy switched me to a different manufacturer so I could get the prescription filled. Since I'm slowly working up to 400 mg twice a day, I only had to take 200 mg before bed. My pdoc warned me that, if Tegretol ends up working out, we might have to up my lamotragine because of how the two meds interact. The pharmacist told me that being on Tegretol could also end up leading to an increased dosage needed for my two other meds (wellbutrin and risperidone). Although, I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to stay on risperidone. My blood pressure has been low (to the point that it may be the cause of my dizziness instead of it being part of my vertigo like I originally thought). I read that risperidone can lower blood pressure so, at some point, I'll ask my pdoc about it. My primary care and PT suggested more salt, more electrolytes, and wearing compression socks to see if that gets it up.

Since people will be able to see the socks when I wear them to work, I let my students vote for which set of fun designs I should order online. They voted for a set with different animals on each pair. Tomorrow will be day one of silly sock day for me.

Oh, tomorrow will also be the first day I will have to see my ex-boyfriend since we broke up. He will be at a birthday party for a mutual friend of ours...I'm not looking forward to this but have counseling beforehand so can at least prep a little bit before with her before going to the birthday gathering.

Risperidone can very easily lead to low blood pressure and orthostatic hypotension.

For electrolytes: I get 1.5 liter bottles of water with electrolytes from Trader Joe's. They are quite a bit cheaper than all name brand water with electrolytes and very tasty. You can get 1 l bottles, too. I always have them on hand. @June08 be careful with electrolyte capsules that are sold on Amazon. I once bought them without consulting a physician (to deal with the very same issue you are dealing with, and I also have a tendency to vertigo) and then later showed them to my internist. She read the label and was horrified. I never used them again. But water with electrolytes that you get at a grocery store is safe to drink.

How long can I stay hypo for? It’s great. I don’t want to ever be depressed again. For reals peeps.

I think I need to be honest with my pdoc and be like "yeah, I'm not doing well. This depression sucks." Whatever I had yesterday is better. I messaged my therapist who thinks it might have been dissociation or depersonalzation. I'm leaning towards the latter. Today I'm just super tired and not hungry and still down, but I'm not too anxious. I thought I got a call back from the job I applied to but no one said anything when I answered it. My mom dragged me to a store this morning. There wasn't any anxiety involved. Which was good. We got what we needed done without an issue. I see my pdoc in a couple hours. Idk. It just seems like I'm really depressed mainly. Perhaps seasonally. Several good things did happen today and I'm just like "meh"

We’re getting a wet snow storm in the morning from four to eleven. Four inches. I went to the grocery store this afternoon. Got some basics. Needed to go anyway. I hope N3 will be able to get to school on Wednesday.

My financial situation sucks this month because I bought a new phone. Things are tight. I couldn’t pay off one of my credit cards this month. I always pay them off in full. But I need a reliable phone and this one seems to be that. My old one had become unusable.

My doctor wants me off my Prestiq. Says he wants to taper me down from 100 to totally off it in 6 weeks.

He also wants me to quit Lamictal cold turkey. But after reading about it, I think I'll taper down on that too.

He wants to try Wellbutrin but wants me off some others first. I said anything but the Geodon. He said he's willing to try wegovy but my insurance won't cover it. He said me not getting out of bed all day won't do a thing for my weight even if I am eating less. I gently suggested raising my valium and he said no and then said hes not sure our patient and doctor relationship will work out if I don't take his suggestions. So I said I'd give his suggestions a try.

So I'll see how it goes getting off these 2 meds. I've heard its a nightmare getting off Prestiq. I think that may be causing some issues though.

I quit pristiq cold turkey with no issues. Lamictal needs tapering though

What dose were you on?

of course you don't!

I think I'm getting depressed. It's not bad yet but I think it's there. I'll need my therapist to monitor. My pdoc was pretty much expecting this because I got depressed about the middle of January the last 2 years. I have higher dose Emsam waiting for me to need it. I just don't want to go through what I did last year.. Last year was awful.. After I see my therapist tomorrow I'll figure out if I need to tell my pdoc or my mom yet. I think I'm ok but it's hard to be sure when I'm pretty sure it is starting.

Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of I feel lousy. It's the worst time of year because i have survived the Christmas holidays and then am confronted with how empty my life is. I think of things that have happened these past 25 years that i am glad i lived to experience: Scrabble, my drop-ins, my dog, people i've known. It doesn't add up to a lot tho.

I know it's just the mild depression and boredom talking. I got some relief listening to depressing music. At least it's a shared experience. The weather isn't helping. It's very cold and i'm wearing my Winter jacket inside because the heating in the building is so inadequate. Hood up and everything.

I guess i just have to endure. What is the point tho? There is no point. I've tried as hard as i can to die. I won't risk I'm just living because i failed. I'm not taking care of my health. Maybe i'll get lucky and die of neglect.