Bipolar Check-In #78

Wherever this takes you, enjoying feeling and acting like a middle schooler

Hey everyone. It's been a little while since I've dropped by. My counselor asked me today if I had tried finding an online bipolar support group which reminded me I should probably get back in the habit of visiting this website on a regular basis. I think I stopped because I was sick of (well still am) dealing with my emotions, including the bipolar symptoms since I seem to be treatment resistant. Some trauma wounds have been seriously triggered lately so that has me pulling away from others (physically and emotionally) as well. Without putting the burden on me, my counselor has pointed out she thinks a second opinion may be needed because she does not feel she is meeting my needs. I will admit I have been backsliding in a lot of ways in these last few months. She called me an anomaly so that was fun...

I also had to leave a message for my pdoc today because me taking an extra .5 mg prn of risperidone for a couple of days has led to needing it every day and still experiencing some manic symptoms. When I try to go back to just .5 mg, the symptoms get worse again so I asked him if I should either up the dose again if things get worse again or schedule an appointment earlier than the one I have scheduled for January 3rd. His nurse left me a voicemail during my counseling session saying she had his response to my question and that I can call back tomorrow. I've never had that happen before-I either answer the call or the voicemail is all that is needed so I'm curious why I need to call again.

Since their system is to leave a message on the nurses line and then either her or my pdoc calls me back, I'll have to leave another message on the nurses line. Even though the audio recording says her hours no longer include Tuesdays, this is the line she told me to call. So, I'm curious how that will all play out. Oh well. I'm sure I'll end up back in his office at least once between now and New Year's.

Thanks @Scooter9 for the words of support. You are right, I am in the best of care and I need to remember that.

My brother made it even worse tonight telling me his (overly dramatic) girlfriend just had a biopsy and it was so painful. In no way is that helpful. But I've done this before and never had had pain, just I don't feel well for several days after. Which is fine; it's winter and I'll curl up in my pj's and rest.

It will be over soon.

I’m just checking in. I feel so bad for everyone having a hard time. Especially since things are going well for me. I do miss mum and think of her often when things we used to do together comes on but I know she was tired. I do feel sad my granddaughter won’t have many memories but my grandson will.

I just found a necklace I’m getting my daughter that has a cardinal on it. Mum loved them and collected them. My daughter has. Been seeing them at her house. I’ll give her the necklace in February on the anniversary. She was especially close to my mum. When I wasn’t able to be there for my daughter my mum was there for her. So they were very close.

Had a good appointment with my therapist this morning. We talked about what my Christmas 🎄 plans were and if I was seeing my parents or not. I really don't want to (because I don't like them and they trigger me hard-core), but feel guilty about canceling another holiday with them, and she made me feel a little bit better about having to cancel with them if I do because it'll be too triggering for me and I'd rather just go to my husband's mom's house Christmas eve and day where I'll be comfortable.

The only reason why my mom behaves herself around us now is because our daughter is twelve. Prior to her it was just awful! And my parents are so MEAN to my husband (and me) and my mom is so scary and angry, especially when she drinks!

I just have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment towards them that I fear will never get resolved because they're always right and I'm always wrong, and there's no convincing of them otherwise.

Ugh. It's really a long story.

So. I don't know. No Christmas with my parents this year again. I can't handle it!!!

Enjoying my "weekend" for the most part. I was supposed to meet with my PsychNP today, but he had to abruptly cancel due to an emergency at the practice. Stuff happens, I get it, but I actually really wanted to talk to him today, especially given the bombshell with my mother this weekend.

He apologized (Not his fault, obviously.) and said he'd call tomorrow to reschedule our visit. I hope he can fit me in soon, considering my appointments are on Mondays and both Christmas and New Years are on that day! Fingers crossed, I guess.

Pretty much stayed home today. Gave me plenty of time to cook another meal for myself. Swiped the recipe from a meal kit website. Ginger Coconut Chicken Soup. Chicken of course, ginger, coconut milk, curry powder, sweet chili sauce, carrots and farro (Kind of a proto-rice, proto-buckwheat type grain. Real big in Ancient Rome and weirdly enough, sold by my small town grocer!) all mixed in. Really hearty and delicious! The spices give you a warm you up heat that complements the normal chicken soup heat very well!

Tomorrow is going to be busy day. I'll be fielding phone calls from my PsychNP and the Department of Education. I get to ask for income based payments on my student loans. Student loans on a college career that has for far too long and yielded little results. That's a rant for another time. Another thing keeping my life unstable. I am going to head to the city, about an hour away. No reason. Just for me. Bookstore, butcher (Have some recipes to try, just no cuts of meat!), Asian market (for some spices), Indian market (Spices too, but also a big bag of rice!). I wanna get a running start on my New Years resolution!

I like farro but I have not cooked it myself, only tried when eating out.

It goes pretty well with hearty dishes. Soups, stews and the like. I've even used it for a breakfast bowl or two!

Today is my last day at work before I go on a break. I got this! Just got to get through 4 hours then I can let all the stress and anxiety disappear. Got my 2 eldest kids coming for Christmas dinner on Saturday and I don’t know where to start with tidying up the house. Especially because my vacuum cleaner is broken. Most of the house is wooden floors but the bedrooms are carpet. My son has mild ocd cleaning issues and always passes a comment to the point of it being offensive. Last time it was that my car smelled like I hadn’t washed it for ages. Ah well.

I have to figure out how not to be woken up at 4:20am every morning when my fiance takes the dog for a walk when I’m on leave. It’s highly disruptive to my sleep and sanity I guess.

Thanks for making this a safe place for me to vent.

I've been doing really good since Saturday when I got the side effects from the vaccines out of my system. Saturday I watched Home Alone 2 instead of the news. Sunday I went and saw family. I saw my aunt and my uncle (my moms brother and sister) it was a bit depressing not having my aunts husband there. We just spent the night eating pizza and watching The Sound Of Music. I've never seen the whole thing and I was very involved in it. Then yesterday we got some shopping done and came home.

I've been feeling pretty good since I went vegetarian on October 2nd and also since I got off the metformin and carafate. My sleep is under control and my moods and anxiety have been fine too. My stomach has been pretty good too. Some days are weird. I had a Starbucks oleato drink yesterday which I don't reccomend for people with gastro issues.

But yeah, things are going well. I'm looking into jobs I want to apply for but now they have all dissapeared. I guess they really were seasonal. I may try reapplying at one I've tried before that says they are still hiring. Theres no harm in trying again I guess.

I am feeling fine but it is after sleeping frighteningly high hours. Fragmented sleep. When I woke up from a late morning nap, my CPAP machine showed more than 13 hours. And that was a nap after I took Modafanil. Modafsnil does nothing for me.

Another low(er) day.

I can't really do much, I have very little motivation, but there's so much to be done.

I did water my plants today so I guess that's a win.

I am lucky: rain did it for my outside plants

Watching Grace and Frankie. Seen it but watching again.

Oh, also, I've been writing one flash fiction a week, just until I get into my new big writing project, and I'm pretty proud of myself for finishing it Saturday afternoon, just in time. I was sick with the flu ALL week, but still managed to get my flash fiction done!

Now for this week's flash fiction! Not gonna let the holidays get in my way!

I'm really enjoying this. It's a lot of fun and is making me a better writer.

I finally got my COVID shot! I've been trying for months. The place i kept booking at and cancelling only had evening slots and i couldn't pry myself out of my home to go in the Winter dark and cold. I tried a new place today where i got an afternoon appointment.

It's in an unfamiliar part of town where bus service is not great so i allowed myself to take a cab. I was prepared for a round-trip fare of $65+ but it was only $40 so i was pleased. That's still expensive, of course, but far less expensive than owning a car.

The appointment went well. I was early and they took me right away. They were all prepared to give me my flu shot at the same time. I waited my 15 minutes and came home.

So now i'll be healthy all Winter to take care of my dog! What a reason to stay healthy -- a dog! Ha!

It's good you got your vaccines. You definitely don't want to get the flu! It really sucked. I still have an awful cough.

Your dog will be happy.

@Nammu (and anyone else who cares) hey, just wanted to be sure you'd seen that Call the Midwife Christmas show is on Christmas night at 8 on PBS. Not sure what the time zone thing will do to you but it's on!

Oooo I have to watch that! Thanks for the info. Definitely want to see the Midwife.

The teaser sounded like it will be exciting. As usual.

I haven’t seen any teasers for it. For ACGAS I have but that’s not on until Jan something.

I have been watching the reruns on Netflix so that probably was what led facebook to share the teaser. I'd hoped to get through them by Christmas but I'm 2 seasons away still. I don't think I can watch all that in a week!

Oo I’d like to see season 1 again, it’s been so long.

I've been watching the whole thing for quite a while now. I have loved seeing old favorites and some I'd even forgotten. I've also got a lot of laughs out of it. I just watched the episode where Fred sells the Turners a turkey that arrives dead but no more than that and Phyllis got to ride on the trapeze. I loved that part of the show.

Fairytale of New York song came on the radio and it made me smile!