Bipolar Check-In #78

That really is inspiring!

That is a sign of progress @Victoria'smom

My dad passed away unexpectedly this morning. I'm a disaster

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I'm so sorry for your loss Scatterbrained.

So sorry for your loss @scatterbrained04

Day 3 of my meal subscription delivery diet. So far I’m doing well. I intend to stick to this. I have my breakfast lunch and dinner all prepped for me. 1200 calories a day.

So sorry for your loss, @scatterbrained04

I had to shovel the driveway yesterday and the snow was so heavy! I could only do half a shovel at a time, I couldn't even push much snow.

My arms and back are hurting, it's from the gym and shoveling. That's a good kind of pain I guess but still a pain.

I had a really strange dream about my depression. My pdoc was saying that the way I feel is the way I'm supposed to feel and that not even ECT would help me. It was a very realistic dream.

I guess the dream is a manifestation of my fear that I won't find a treatment that works for me.

Im so sorry! Take the time you need, everyone experiences grief differently.

I feel for you. My dad just died just died two weeks ago.

I spent an hour clearing snow off my car yesterday only for the air intake to be jammed with ice making exhaust come in through the vent and NOW my car is covered in snow again! Aaaarg!!! Luckily, my mom said she’d take me to my Pdoc appointment and to the pharmacy on Wednesday. It’s supposed to be arctic temps till then too. FML

Now there’s a windchill advisory for the next 23 hours and I asked N3 to come help me and he said no!!

I am feeling overwhelmed.

Stopping myself from high risk behaviour like joining only fans. SMH. It’s far from anonymous.

I'm so sorry.

Lazy day today! Temperature has been around 0°F all day, so I've stayed home. Church services were cancelled due to the weather, so I didn't get to see my mom.

Thought it was just going to be cold, so I bought a movie ticket for a theater the next town over. Turns out I should've poked my head outside and/or put on the weather. It'd been snowing while I wasn't paying attention. Snowing enough that my brakes didn't brake and I nearly slid into my town's main drag with a truck coming at me. Had slam the brakes, which sucked. That put the kibosh on Attempt 2 to catch a movie. (Attempt 1 failed because of a work task taking three hours of my time. Including an hour and a half of my movie.) Good news is when I finally get to see the movie, I can see it for free! Discovered a "Happy Birthday" e-mail voucher for a free ticket, popcorn and soda from the movie chain. Hopefully third time's the charm!

I'll check the car later, make sure nothing broke. Apart from that, staying home.

I took some dramamine around 3AM but I haven't taken any pepcids or Pepto Bismols or pain meds today. My stomach has been fine. I've had no complaints with my head hurting. So idk. Last night I was feeling things a bit and I was dry heaving and feeling pretty sick to my stomach which my mom said was the withdrawels.

I went to work out with my VR headset this morning and I was using a game called Climb and I started at 9:30 and I was trying to climb this skyscraper and then I finally got too tired and stopped after I reached a save the game flag. I worked up a small sweat despite being in shorts and a T shirt. I looked at the clock and 1 hour and 15 minutes had gone by. I was so involved in it I wasn't paying attention to the time. No wonder people lose a crap ton of weight with these VR headsets. My mom told me to take it easy and not burn myself out.

My munchies seem to have gone away. I just ate some crackers with my meds. I was still kinda heavy on the soda.

But I've been doing good today. I didn't take my first valium until almost noon
I've been lying down because its too cold outside. My nephews didn't come over.

That Prestiq effed me up though.

I have a huge case of hypersomnia. I slept 12 hours last night and then took a 4 hour nap this afternoon. I honestly could go to sleep again now but I think 6:30 is a bit early.

I was upset about my birthday plans being messed up the last time I posted. It worked out probably the best it could. We had a laid back afternoon spent mostly playing games and laughing, even me. My nieces and I didn't even get out of our pajamas all day. Then we watched a movie and I came home and enjoyed the silence. Today I don't feel like laughing but I'm so glad I had one day I was able to pull myself out of this tar pit for a while. If you enjoy games look for "Taco, cat, goat, cheese, pizza". It is about $7 and it hilarious. I found it on a list of "things preteens will love" before Christmas and the pre-teen loved it as did the teenager and 4 adults.


Today I am reminded that the depression is here and frustrating and my real birthday won't be so much fun probably. In fact I know it won't be because my mom is going to come over and help me catch up on housework. Which I really appreciate but I can't do that while sleeping so it will be hard.


I really hope my increased AD dose helps soon. Tomorrow is technically a week since I increased it but I forgot to change my patch on Tuesday so really Wednesday is the one week mark.

I haven't heard anything about my CBC for clozaril. It's past time for a refill. I have extra because of my dose being lowered. But it won't last forever. I'm not getting a response from my pdoc's secretary which is really unusual. I don't know what to do or think. The pharmacy claims to have reached out twice which I actually believe since I've had no answer either. I don't see her until 2/12 so that's way too long to wait. I don't know what to do. It's stressing me out.

Oh well. Everything will work out eventually.

Hi hi hi everyone

I’m really stressing over this cold weather. We are getting snow which we seldom ever do and a 3+inches will shut my Town down. We have no where we need to go so it’s no problem staying home. They do nothing to our roads out here anyway.

Today was the 6th anniversary of us moving back home from those dreaded 8 months. It’s brought up some PTSD and some of you remember what happened. Anyway I’m just keeping busy.

Stay warm !

Stay warm everyone

I’m so sorry your having a rough time here’s hoping things get better sooner rather than later. Much love

I finally did dishes today. Have three glasses and one cake pan wasn’t able to wash. The dishes were stacked quite perilously as it was. That was really the extent of my up and at them activity today. I woke at 8:30 but went back to bed at 10 and slept until 2. The cold is so conducive to sleep. It’s 68 in here, glorious. If it’s below zero out I have no need to open a window to try and keep it cool. I do much better at cool temps. Just had one hot meal at 3, and I’m fine without more, though I am jonesing for some jerky.

Putting off showering until tomorrow. Have pdoc on Tuesday and don’t want to shower then as it’s still freezing out and I don’t have a dryer. So Monday would be the day to do it.

Still somewhat under the the weather depression wise. Found a cool arty sun lamp but haven’t ordered it yet. I had to pay my car insurance this month for the year. I’m waiting for the next cycle to order more. It’s not terrible but definitely a down cycle. Got my pills sorted for the week so that there is done too. Planning on putting the dishes away before bed too. Have some of my favorite PBS shows tonight so I’m set for tonight

Having a bad night anxiety-wise. Who am I kidding? I think I’m getting depressed too. The ruminating thoughts are out in full force and I’m paranoid as all get out. Everything seems to be spiraling out of control. I took one of my Klonopin but now I’ve decided to skip my nightly Ativan so I don’t double dose. To be honest I don’t know if I can sleep but I don’t know what else to do.

Heard from my husband for the first time since he disappeared on one of his all-nighters. He acted like it was nothing, as usual. Every day I am falling a little more out of love with him as I am getting used to reality of what type of person he is versus the man I thought I married. Living on my own is hard - still getting used to the storms here by myself without being scared. Sometimes I get manic crying fits? I don't know if that is a way to describe it. Where I just bawl my eyes out like it's the end of the world to one of the songs we used to listen to together.

It is still really difficult as this reality sets in. Had to travel an hour for my meds today because Walgreens refilled it in my old town and couldn't transfer it close by. As much as it is an inconvenience, I enjoyed the drive as it helped me get outside of my head for a little while. Sometimes God has things planned for me that I don't see for myself. Still sleeping less even with my CPAP. It's probably all the loneliness i feel.

Oh man I almost vomited in bed again! The last time was a couple of months ago. I thought I figured out what was causing it, but I guess not.

I only got 4 hours of sleep and couldn't get back to sleep, so I'm watching TV.

Geez, it's very cold. Stay inside if you can!

I’m loving the cold as long as I don’t have to go out in it. The indoor temperature is 66F it’s very comfortable. I slept so well. Kinda sad that it takes a severe weather advisory to keep my apartment cool.

Went out to a vegan restaurant with my Starbucks friend today for lunch. I had fried cauliflower with hot wing sauce and some sort of dill dip. It was pretty good. It’s only 8 degrees here. There’s an advisory for the windchill of -1F. We talked about movies- especially “Stranger Than Fiction”.