Bipolar Check-In #78

I'm doing ok today. I was a bit ornery when I woke up and the I ate a can of beans and all the protein and fiber helped. I wasn't ornery at anyone, I kept everything to myself. I took my first Valium at 11:30 again. So my moods and anxiety aren't too bad. I ate a couple bowls of some healthy vegan cereals for lunch. One was called Puffins and it was a peanut butter flavor. The other was called Kashi Go and it was this toasted blueberry crisp cereal.

My sister and her family are coming over for dinner. They invited themselves over, but are bringing the food at least. Which means my mom has been fretting over cleaning the already clean house as if it were Thanksgiving and not a regular dinner. My mom gets pretty ornery when shes in her frantic cleaning mood. Its best for me to just stay out of her way.

As for the decrease in meds, its still going ok. I found a painful red bump on my chest I was worried was Lamictal related. But my mom says its just a pimple.

Everything is on tonight. Caucuse, Emmy's, AGT, big football game...

Better day today. Finally decided to stay inside today - I had been going every day for the past week even though I have an injured knee. Kinda regretted it though, because I feel heavier than ever; very aware that I need to lose weight. But as far as symptoms go, I slept a lot and just rested which I think I definitely needed.

Well 8-9 inches of snow on the ground ! It’s going to be single digits and wind chills for dayssssss. This is NOT typical for us. I don’t see us leaving home for at least a week if not longer. Nothing is done to our roads. We have no reason to go anywhere anyway.

Everybody stay warm !

All my senses are heightened. I bought perfume. It just smells so divine I can’t get enough of its beauty. Loving nature. The drive was amazing. Everything looks beautiful.

Is 60mil of melatonin bad?

Yes. I can't get it to copy but a few articles I found said .5-3 mg are best, up to 10 ok. 30 mg becomes a problem. So I think it is reasonable to say 60 mg is not something you should be taking.

I feel ok. I'm not even tired.... I just want hot chocolate right now mainly.

My blood pressure is 113/86 and my pulse is in the 80s. I took the melatonins 45 minutes ago.

Idk. My body just crapped out completly when it came to melatonin. It doesn't do a thing one way or the other.

Spent several hours reading my bipolar blog to C today- including my poetry I binge wrote 3 years ago. I like my poetry- he not so much. I especially read him bits out of my psych file from 10/11 years ago. I had a lot of issues back then!

That is what my sleep psychologist said. .5 mg and not at bedtime but ahead of the bedtime but I forgot by how many hours ahead.

You got the snow that missed us. It’s been wind chill warning and advisory weather here. I haven’t gone anywhere since Wednesday last week. Tomorrow I have a pdoc appointment and I’m taking the bus next door to the clinic. It will be from the front door to front door. I’ll have to ride for an hour on the return trip though!

Unfortunately Sir is not doing well and if he’s not better by tomorrow afternoon I’m going to have to unearth the car and take him in.

Wow! That seems like a lot to me.

Me too! I think that’s too much.

But long-term it probably has. Your body makes melatonin so when you take so much it tells your body to stop making it and then that causes rebound insomnia. That's why you are only supposed to take it at night; if you take it when it is light out you train your body to sleep at unnatural times. They have people who do shift work or are flying to another time zone use it very carefully to help prevent the body getting screwed up by missing out on normal amounts of daylight.

Does your pdoc know how much you take?

I think that my pdoc told me 30 minutes but I'm not certain of that.I know it's supposed to be dark and you need to be ready to go to sleep as soon as you are tired.

I haven't slept at all yet but I've been pretty moody and crabby and bordering on angry tonight. Idk if its the melatonin. I also coughed up a bunch of yellow phelgm earlier.

I feel ok now though. My mom is guessing its the withdraws.

Thinking of making an appointment with my psychologist…..

@Crazy Hitch From what you've been posting I think that's probably a good idea.Sorry.

No need to apologise @BeyondtheRainbow 😊. Thank you ☺️

Seeing my psychologist on Thursday…

So much is going on I don't know where to begin!

The hospital got back to me regarding their early cancer detection blood test. They've agreed to cover the nearly $1000 price tag for the labs. It's still technically experimental, so it's not FDA approved. No FDA approval means insurance wouldn't touch it. I get the labs done next week, with a two week turnaround for results.

I also got a call for my long awaited colonoscopy. I get it next Wednesday which is going to suck as its a workday. I don't anticipate any grief from my boss about it, but I'm still losing a full days wages. As far as the colonoscopy goes, I'm likely going to have to have it done without anesthesia seeing as my go-to ride is starting chemo.

My mom got her new cancer meds, but she's also got to deal with a round of chemotherapy which... yeah.

I've done colonoscopies awake before, so that won't be a huge deal.

The majority of my upcoming day can be summed up in one word: bills.

Wasn't all bad though! Third time was the charm on going to the movies and, courtesy of January being my birth month, I got my ticket and my popcorn combo for free! Movie was Beekeeper. Decent enough Jason Statham action flick with a surprise Doctor Who actor playing in it. Good distraction from the "fun" ahead.

Not symptomatic this morning, even though it was difficult to get up. Got up and made my bed, brushed my teeth and went out to Walmart. Now the hurdle is getting in the shower and getting the day started. Decided not to go out again today, even though I should really try and catch a meeting. Overall feeling of contentment though, feel like I can accomplish a lot today.

Snow day from work today. School district originally had a delay but closed because it was supposed to start freezing rain when the buses were running, which it has. Starting to ice up. I don’t think this week is going to be a gym week for me, I’ve been pushing myself to go out in the 40s but this is just way too cold. Not down with it at all.

I had to leave work early twice last week, once to pick up CR who wasn’t feeling well, and another because my eye was killing me. Turns out I had a corneal erosion, similar to an abrasion but different cause. The eye dr said I have to be careful because corneal erosions can recur. Best to put dry eye drops in my eyes before bed, because he thinks my eye dried out during the night and when I opened my eyes in the AM part of my cornea came with it (shudder).

NOW I am sick with a cold. I’m glad i have off today so maybe i can rest and it won’t get too much worse. RS had it first, he ended up with a sinus infection. They gave him amoxicillin even though he’s been allergic to it in the past. Guess what? He’s still allergic. He had a very odd reaction wherein his eyes swelled and dried out, making them red and teary. He looked it up on google and it turns out that’s a sign of allergy. Well, now he knows the allergy did NOT disappear.

Besides all the physical illnesses and injuries we are dealing with, emotionally I’ve been doing well. I pushed back my ECT treatment by a week to see if I could and so far so good. It’s next Friday.

I will be so happy if I can make it through Feb without a hospital stay. That will be one year, and I haven’t had one year out since I started going back in 20201. I think I’ve had 5-7 in those two years (I’ve lost track a long time ago, grand total is probably somewhere near 30 for lifetime). March 22 will also be two years since I’ve self harmed. Another big accomplishment. 2024 is going to be my year!

Slept badly. Very worried about Sir. He was bleeding form his nose rather freely. Last time I had him to the vet for that they asaid there wasn’t much they could do for that and because of his age they didn’t recommend more invasive procedures. So he was under the bed, where he goes when feeling poorly. I was thinking of him alone and dying. But this morning he was better and ate. But he’s not fine. He’s confused. I really can’t tell if he’s in pain. I don’t want him to suffer.

I slept from 11:30 last night until 6:23 this morning and I feel fine. Both mood wise and physically. I'm not feeling any withdrawels from the Prestiq or Lamictal and I feel fine from the Melatonin. I got my hot chocolate too this morning so I'm pretty good today. I do wonder just how much of my mental health issues were eased by having a hystrectomy.

Edit: I went from 100 down to 50 on my lamictal today. I'm thinking I should do 75 for a few days though based on how I feel right now.

I bought some 12mil melatonins. Hopefully one of those works out better then last night. Even though I ended up sleeping decently.

I was up till 3 a.m. ruminating about various things playing out every possible conflicting scenario in my mind ad infinitum. The shakes last night were really bad too- I could hardly type anything. My right hand is the worst.

Tomorrow is my pnurse appointment. Finally! I’ve got such high hopes and I hope I am not disappointed.

I was reading my bipolar blog to C last night. Interesting reading.

I thought I heard country music earlier. Never heard the neighbors except when they fight. I think it was just a hallucination. Also having conflicting commanding internal voices. Nasty nasty stuff they say.

Thinking I’ll just sleep in what I wore today and wear it again tomorrow to see Pdoc. I should look how I feel- a mess!