Bipolar Check-in #79

Sorry to hear about your papaw but a big congrats on getting accepted into your masters program! That’s really good news!

Feeling really down. Just feeling guilty after making so much progress. Digressing and backtracking. I know I messed up and I don't know how to fix it.

I was the one who filed for divorce yet I found myself missing family functions with our kids as a unit like the first time in years that I’d gone to Disney World without him but with our kids. I nearly cried about it and called my ex and told him how I felt from a pay phone at one of the parks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I was the one who filed for divorce yet I found myself missing family functions with our kids as a unit like the first time in years that I’d gone to Disney world without him but with our kids. I nearly cried about it and called my ex and told him how I felt from a pay phone at one of the parks.

I can totally relate. I broke down and called him from a blocked number. It felt SO good to hear his voice but immediately I know I effed up big time. I feel nothing but guilt now that I gave him hope, but needed that validation so bad that I went against everything I was working towards.

Hailiebeth I'm sorry about your grandpa but I'm glad you got into the master's program.

Moose72 I really hope your new medication works.

I'm scared to take the Zoloft. I've been doing well on just the latuda. My anxiety is sky high. I swear I ordered the pizza wrong. It's late. I've only been up since 4 pm. My dog makes sleeping hard. I'm a wreck. I want to pay things off and do things. I'm scattered by all the things. Then I get my sdit dog this summer. Victoria 's friend is coming this summer for a week so we have to save for that.

I understand. What’s even harder is that he’s happily remarried now. I’ve accepted her as the kids’ step mom since they got married when the kids were still pretty young. And he’s fixed the things that I divorced him for long ago.

Had an earthquake here in the northeast today. 4.8 magnitude, strongest ever recorded in this state. Since we’re not used to them here it was a moment of confusion for us, especially since the heat had just come on. We thought our heater was about to explode! Until we saw all our neighbors outside. No damage or anything. My cat didn’t even move from her spot on the couch. She’s pretty lazy :-D

I’ve been doing well still. Been four weeks since last ECT and no problems. I’m probably going to skip my May 3rd appt and take a break for the spring/summer. Hopefully I won’t need it again in the fall but that is where I start to stumble. When it gets cold and the light goes away my brain starts to get out of sorts. But man, if I could go a long time before needing another series I would love it. I hate ECT.

I’m on spring break this week. The weather was miserable, three days of pouring rain and then cloudy and chilly yesterday and today. Of course when I go back to work on Monday it’s going to be gorgeous oh well. I got some stuff done around the house. I planned on switching out all my long sleeve shirts for my tee shirts but haven’t gotten that far. I’ve lost enough weight that I might be able to wear my XL shirts instead of my 2xl ones. But maybe not, I don’t like tight clothing. I’ll have to try them on. I’m 2/3 the way to my first weight goal. 30lbs. Then I’ll try to take the next 30lbs off. We’ll see though, it’s been very slow going for me. I tend to lose a pound then gain two back after two days of “cheating”. Like a weekend. I “cheated” yesterday for my birthday and had my red velvet cheesecake AND a medium hot fudge sundae (not at the same time!). I woke up restless several times during the night, I think from the sugar overload.

We went to the arcade today and collectively won 201,000 points. I love the crane games and a specific game called pearl fishery. CR loves that game and the Yahtzee game. He won the super bonus on Yahtzee! RS won tons of ticket rolls from the crane games and won two 12,000 ticket rolls. All in all a good day.

Now I get two more days and then must return to work. Work straight through for the next two months until Memorial Day, then only four weeks after that until summer break! So crazy how fast this year is moving. CR will be in 8th grade next year. Be still my heart! Almost high school!

Hopefully I will stay stable for a loooong time.

It will all work out. I too was feeling yesterday that I had problem after problem. Today seems better. I used Draino hair buster in my shower that was filling the tub with water each time I took a shower and it seems to have worked! Hallelujah!

I'm 41. I'm at the point in my life where I may not WANT to quit vaping, but I NEED to quit vaping. I'm getting too old for this shyt. 😪 It's necessary for me to say goodbye to my precious nicotine. My lungs are not happy with me. I get out of breath walking up two flights of stairs! That's sad. I'm not THAT overweight. Jeez.

My husband was a menace today and made me go for a walk with him. Didn't want to. I was tired and lacking energy, but I guess it wasn't so bad.

Had an appointment with my therapist this morning.

She asked, "What does your ideal death look like?"

Why the FUKK would you ask a depressed person that?! I was like, "What?!" I've honestly never thought about it. I told her I didn't know. I'm not THAT old yet. Why would I be thinking about my death?! But thanks a lot, therapist. Now I'm going to be ruminating about my demise all weekend!

Maybe she’s been contemplating her own death?

@raspberrytorte

Totally feel you on the vaping. I’m always clearing my throat, I KNOW it’s the vaping. But damn it’s so hard.

Just found this!

Anticholinergics such as Cogentin help rebalance irregular activity of acetylcholine neurotransmitters, which are crucial to brain and muscle function. 3 This can improve muscle control while decreasing rigidity and tremors.

@Moose72

Maybe she has been. I dunno.

I hope the cogentin helps your shaky hands.

@wildflowerchild25

I have a box of the nicotine gum already. I'm just sick of getting out of breath! That's why I need to quit. My lungs are saying NO MORE. But yeah. It is hard.

@raspberrytorte good luck on quitting.

I got my hair cut today. I dread it and put it off way too long. I think I had about 6 inches cut off. It's hard to tell because my hair is really curly so if you cut it it gets shorter than it's cut. I really like it although it's a little short to pull back so I'll have to actually do my hair for a while. Which is probably a good thing.


I had a wash and conditioner, cut and style and she only charged $20. I've been there before and have been charged more for less. I just gave her a big tip because that's ridiculously cheap. Maybe she thought money was why I had put the cut off so long? I don't know. But I'll be careful not go so long without a hair cut again. I was so embarrassed by it so I put it off and it got worse and I put it off more and it turned into a vicious cycle.


@HALLIEBETH87 I'm so sorry about your papaw while also so happy you got into the MS program.

I was on Cogentin @Moose72 for almost 10 years when I used to take Haldol, because it made me very shaky and stiff. It works very well.

Good luck @raspberrytorte and @wildflowerchild25 with quitting nicotine and vaping, it's a really tough thing, it just takes practice and redirecting the addiction somewhere else. That's how I do it.

I bet your hair looks beautiful @BeyondtheRainbow !! I was so happy that I got my haircut when I did.

Feeling like I backtracked because I spoke to my husband today after doing so well with no contact for so long. I had a meltdown at work today, and there was no one in the world who could have made me feel better but him. Trying not to beat myself up about it.

I have been up since. 2 a.m. Went to sleep at 11:30. I’m tempted to just get up and get a shower soon. It’s almost 6 am.

Edit: got a shower and got dressed.

@BeyondtheRainbow

That's great you got your hair cut! I've been putting off getting mine cut for about three years now. Lol. It's really long. I just want it trimmed though. I like having long hair, even if it's a pain in the *** and annoying.

@LadyShadow

What's your replacement addiction? (If I may ask.)

I just saw my coffee buddy. He didn’t stay long. I’m now waiting for another friend to contact me. We discussed last night that she would call me when she got up but so far no call. I hate loose ends and she”lol probably tell me that she forgot about me. We shall see. I’ve been up since 2 am and I know I’m going to crash at some point later today. I just don’t like when you have plans and the other person just leaves you hanging.

Hey @raspberrytorte - I don't have a replacement addiction, I just redirect it. I get a real high from exercise and have been keeping logs of my progress. Like I have a private YouTube channel where I post private videos, keeping a video log of my progress and how much I have accomplished that day. You want to try and reward yourself too for doing a good job, that helps you stay accountable. Writing helps too - I also go to a lot of meetings, whether its codependency ones to deal with the stuff about my husband, or AA ones. The real progress is that I am always in motion, and I can never stay still long enough to want to "pick" up anything, if that makes any sense.

As for my bipolar, today is a good day. I got up, made my bed, cleaned up my house and now I am doing my laundry and watching Ghostbusters. I still have contact with my husband, even though I changed my number - been talking to him through an app. I guess he is my replacement addiction, because I couldn't stop talking to him even with all the steps I took.

I would like to spend $200 on a new wardrobe for Victoria as she's not changing because she's not comfortable in her clothes. I also need to pay insurance and parking tickets. I feel like such a failure not being able to dress my child. I know she's 21 but that doesn't stop the feeling.

I'm doing good today. I haven't had any stomach issues. I haven't had any soda either. I wonder if that could have been an issue. I slept good last night for once. My sister and the kids were over and my 10 year old nephew asked if I had any clothes I didn't want. I know I have some hoodies and some hats and a bunch of t shirts and a couple pairs of shoes. If he thinks hes getting my Marty McFly Nikes or my panda dunk Nikes, hes not. I know he has been eyeing those. But I'll have to go through everything. Overall I feel decent today. Although I am still kinda down in the dumps for some reason. Maybe doing laundry and taking a shower will help

I keep having these weird spacing out moments where I remember something bad that happened in my life. Then I just have to shake myself out of it. I don't know what the cause of it is. They have been happening frequently.

Well, my mom went home from the hospital yesterday! 🎉 A full week after she was effectively good to go. Why did it take so long? The doctors wanted her to do some rehab. Fine, dandy. The rehab location and her insurance refused to talk to each other to settle logistics, but both made sure to let us know they'd refuse to cover any costs if she left the hospital without their approval.

After four days, both me and my dad were in agreement (There's a "When pigs fly." moment.) and advised:
"@#$& 'em! You already know the PT exercises and you're leaving the hospital PT people in the dust. Go home and call someone then if you need to."

She didn't need much convincing.

Glad she's home!

Listening to a favorite CD and wishing my non boyfriend boyfriend would call me back. Only thing I can think of is that he’s out riding his motorcycle in the nice weather.

I just want to yell into the wind but have it make no sound. Everything is bothering me and I've picked up everything in my room and I've organized stuff on my shelves. I want to do laundry but my mom has been doing it all day. I'm like dissociating and semi manic and having flashbacks



[