Bipolar Check-in #79

Feeling pretty good right now. Finally had a shower, and I don't know why I put it off when it makes me feel so good afterwards. I think the act of getting in there and doing everything is what freaks me out. It feels like such a hassle sometimes. But I am getting ready for a night of bad tv with Svengoolie that's starting in a couple of minutes.

All in all, it felt good to clean up the house, do laundry, and basically do nothing today. I need more days like today I think.

@Mountaindewed

I think any antidepressant can make you suicidal. I think antidepressants are evil! I wish I wasn't on one, but last time we tried taking me off it I OD'd, and the same thing happened when I was taken off a different antidepressant. So I'm kind of stuck.

Personally, for me, wellbutrin didn't make me suicidal. It just made me intolerably anxious 😟. To the point where I stopped eating and lost a ton of weight. I begged to be put back on Cymbalta!

I would say talk to your pdoc, but he's kind of an asshat. Maybe wellbutrin isn't working out for you?

Dare I say it-(knock on wood) I'm actually happy and stable. Still tough emotions to process, and the stress of physical health issues, yet here I am stable and happy. I haven't felt this good in years-I'm trying not to let the anxiety/fear of if/when this will all be gone get to me. I'm trying really hard to manage my emotions/keep excitement and productivity in check to help prevent symptoms kicking in.

I've also been thinking a lot about a question my pdoc asks me from time to time: "What are you looking forward to?" It always stops me in my tracks because I never have an answer for him. I want to change this though. The first thing I want to do is not let health anxiety stop me from applying to volunteer at a small dog rescue shelter near me. It's a pretty intense application-including asking for references and a little bit about your health. It's worth a shot though!

We rescheduled for today, C and I did but she texted me saying she woke up with a nasty headache! She seems like quite a flake when she does stuff like this.

I'm officially stopping the phentermine. It hasn't decreased my appetite. It hasn't given me more energy. I think it's making me depressed actually. I think the only way I'm going to lose weight is if I stop seroquel, which isn't happening. Even my pdoc didn't bring up doing that. I really DON'T want to stop seroquel. I don't want to go on an AP rollercoaster. My mental health is fragile enough as is.

So FUKK YOU phentermine!!! Useless med!

I've been taking too much gabapentin as of late to get high, just because I can now because I have so much extra, which I know is bad. I just want to sleep. I have to work on formatting for my ebook version of one of my books though because I'm running an ad campaign for it on the 17th. I've been reading a lot as of late. Read two books yesterday. Both fellow indie authors. Left reviews for both. I figure in my creative drought period I might as well read a ton. Good escape anyway.

Books – Skin In The Game Thinking about getting these two book next month when I have more money.

I'm throwing up again. But I'm not in pain or feeling much of anything physical. I was super anxious and crabby and my stomach just felt full this morning but I feel better now. I'm just pretty tired.

There went the drink I had for lunch. Is it going to be one of those days of not even being able to keep liguids down

My anxiety is a ton better. It seems to just have been one of those wacko physical things messing with my anxiety. Although I am gonna tell my pdoc that I don't think the wellbutrin is working out.

Yeah I can't keep anything down again. I think its the new med my endocronolgist has me on. I seem to get sick every Sunday and Monday and I get the shot on Fridays. I see him tommorow.

Edit: I finally got things under control and I kept some water and a bottle of Gatorade down. I don't feel 100% though.

I have three days off work starting today. So nice. Its been awhile since I posted in here so I don’t think I mentioned but I got a new job. I’ve been at it two weeks so far. It’s retail again. But it’s a much better environment than my last job. I’m sore as hell when I get home though. But I iced my back last night when I got home and that helped some.

I’m doing well, things are going good. Jobs going good, my relationship is going well. We’ve been together 1 year now. Tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary, the day of the solar eclipse. We’re making shrimp scampi and fruit sorbet to celebrate. And I got those solar eclipse glasses so I can see the eclipse tomorrow. I missed the last one , definitely not missing this one.

I’ve been doing well on my meds. Working again has helped my anxiety a lot. When I have too much time to myself like when I wasn’t working I start having panic attacks daily and dissociating a lot. So it’s better when I’m working even if it is kind of overwhelming sometimes and physically exhausting.

Violin lessons are going well. I’m learning a lot. I’m still volunteering with the cat rescue organization here and there when I have time.

But yeah I’m doing really well overall. The Thorazine increase has helped me a lot. My mood swings are less. Again, I also think working helps my mental health a lot. It’s a combination of things that helps. Meds, sleep, work/socializing, being physically active, etc.

I’m gonna watch some anime with a glass of wine and just thoroughly enjoy being off my feet today. I’m still sore from work yesterday.

Hope you all are well, also mocha and Mustachio are doing really well too (my cats) mocha loves to be brushed I just discovered. He loves it, purrs a lot and rolls over and lets me rub his belly. He’s such a chill cat. Mustachio doesn’t like being brushed lol shes still a sweetheart though

My grandpa
Is
Dying and me heart hurts

That was determined to be a lie because the Gatorade just came up. Looked like I was puking up blood. It was fruit punch Gatorade.



I ate a little bit of dinner but I'm not sure it will stay down. I think it will. I don't want a tube in my face because I yak all the time.

Feeling pretty good tonight. Still in contact with my husband again, and I am not beating myself up over it. My mom seems to understand, and has been very supportive. Even though I am walking on a tightrope with this, I feel very positive. That dread that was eating at my heart is no longer there. I know it won't last either.

Overall though, I haven't had symptoms in a long time, even though I have had some lows here and there.

Very anxious to the point of feeling overwhelmed. Going back to work in 6 days. It’s got me in a tailspin.

Went with N3 to church tonight for the compline service. I recorded it and it recorded just fine! I used my iPad instead of my phone.

I had my doctors appointments. They went well. My endocronolgist wants me to stop my weekly shots for 2 weeks to see if my throwing up stops. He also ordered this test to see if its causing any issue. I take a pill at 11PM and then go get lab work at 8AM. He also wants me to start a daily vitamin. He was tough on me about my weight and wants me to join a gym

I then saw my kidney doctor who was kinda alarmed by my kidney numbers and said that if I keep throwing up I'll have to get infusions twice a week to stay hydrated. I got blood work done afterwards to check what my number was today. So far everything is staying down but I haven't actually eaten anything. I just had a couple sugar free and diet drinks. And I do feel pretty queasy right now.

I didn't take my Wellbutrin today and it has made a difference in my anxiety and moods. So I'm just going to tell my pdoc its not working out. I think I'll just ask to go back on the 200 Lamictal and hope he doesn't have a ***** fit.

I just projectile vomited Gatorade. Why won't it end.

Today was a really good day. Had a spiritual experience outside when I went to watch the eclipse this afternoon. Was quiet and eerie but it was deeply emotional for me being there alone outside during the eclipse. Captured a nice photo and felt the wind over me and the birds stopped chirping and the drop in temperature. Maybe a bit manic of me, but I felt a deep connection with the universe.

Nothing new to report, other than waking up in the middle of the night at 3am and napping and really tired in the morning. Feeling okay now though.

I am afraid my clozapine number is up again (for those who don't memorize my life it was over 3x where it should have been last summer and we've lowered it a lot). The reason we got the test in the first person was increased hand tremors and I was spilling food on myself pretty much every meal. And now those things are back. I sent my pdoc a message asking if I need a test so we'll see what she says. I'm REALLY hoping that she gets back to me quickly tomorrow because I'll be in a city that has a branch of her hospital (it's a sprawling giant of many campuses) and could get it done while I'm there. Otherwise I'll have to wait a week.

I'm also very anxious today. I have no idea why. I had a wonderful time watching the eclipse and we took the dog for a walk and I ran over and got some antibiotics for the dog at his vet's. I just am anxious. But it will pass and if it doesn't my next round of meds will take care of it . I hope. Well, I did get this mystery car insurance bill. I just paid in full 3/5 and now they want 2/3 of a payment more. I got a new car but was told the insurance cost was only going up $1 because my old car was old and the new one has safety features like a backup camera and bluetooth. So I'm not sure why they now want another huge amount of money. But I can't do anything about that until tomorrow. That's still not the total source of the anxiety as I've been anxious all day.

I'm also mad because I accidentally went over my daily calories. Only by 19 but still, going over isn't good.


On the other hand, that eclipse.......amazing. We had 98.17% totality so it didn't get dark but it was like dusk and the birds got quiet and it was so still. It also got colder even though there was no wind. It was incredible and I'm so glad I got to watch with my mom.

I cooked for myself this evening, which given the past few weeks is no small achievement! It was an improvised cheesy chicken casserole with a mac-n-cheese box, creamy chicken soup mixed with the cheese pack, leftover chunk chicken and topped with pepper, paprika and curry powder. I'm quite proud of it! 🙂

Have you tried Pedialtye? That was what was recommended to me when I had lithium toxicity and then kept throwing up for a few weeks after that. The Pedialyte popsicles are good when you are really nauseous because they are big and force you to go slow.

I get very overheated very easily on this med cocktail including feeling sick and so I have a backpack I carry that has iced washcloths in it but it also has a package of tubes of Pedialytel powder that you just dump in a 20 oz bottle of water and shake it up. That helps a lot.

They also have liquids available. I can't remember what those are but I know I used to be stocked with them when my meds were making me throw up.

Might be worth a try?

I ordered groceries instead of clothes. We needed food too. I needed things I could cook. Regretting that today but whatever. I can't seem to make drinks last in my house. I'm getting really upset with my husband for eating the stuff I can make instead of cooking something more difficult. Tomorrow is his night to cook so we'll see. Victoria hates school so she's looking for a job. I hope she finds one soon. She needs something to tie her here so she doesn't move in with her gf in Alaska. Oh my anxiety and jumping to conclusions are up if you can't tell. I really need a therapist but they don't have one where I go. Also having sh thoughts out of boredom. Day 2 on Zoloft. I'm not looking forward to when h has jury duty later this month. I hate drowning slowly in financial uncertainty. I feel like someone else needs to control are budget for a couple of months as we haven't learned to live here yet. Oh my Dr put in the disability form for the bus but now she wants to see me. I hate pretending to be well. hopefully we move soon and things get better.

I watched the eclipse today from my backyard. It was cloudy but I was patient and caught the Sun and Moon between the clouds. The photo attached is when the Sun was 75% eclipsed.

Still feeling low and anxious. I met my pdoc later today, hopefully she'll give me something for my sleep issues.

I got my puking under control and kept some popcorn down. I slept pretty decently. These throwing up episodes are improving my sleep since they are exhausting me. And my new noise blocking head phones help too. My weight this morning was the lowest its been in 10 days. Considering I could only keep down 300 of the 1000 calories I ate yesterday its not suprising.

I started working out with my VR headset this morning. I did about 20 minutes of Supernatural. I was out of breath afterwards but my stomach was ok. I had a Slim Fast afterwards. I'm not really hungry again though. I didn't even want to stop for a coffee or anything which is just weird.

Now I'm starting to feel things physically again but I see my pdoc this afternoon and its pretty anxiety provoking. It would be pretty funny if I was throwing up while talking to him though.

I got 3 bottles from Walgreens today. I used to have some of the popsicles. So far water is going ok.

I thought both the books I ordered off Amazon were being shipped together but now it says out for delivery on one and shipped on the other. I got hopeful that they’d come together.

I had my yearly check up for a mammogram today. The squishing doesn’t hurt but pulling my breast way away from my chest and then squish sure does!