Bipolar Check-in #79

We spent the day going through magic cards. I'm failing at creating a happy, healthy adult. She now needs to take breaks from socializing with us. But at least she opened her cards with us. I'm officially off trintillex and on to Zoloft but my meds haven't come in the mail yet. H is getting tired of going out. I just want a place that feels like home. I wish Florida wasn't hostile to us. I'll get use to here but it's taking a long time. I asked my Dr for a disability bus pass but she never got back to me. My parents want me to get a disability placard. I wish there was a place that had an elevator, walk-in shower, washer dryer in building, and grocery store in my walking distance that took sec.8. I want to be independent but I'm getting worse movement wise.. h doesn't want me in assisted living if he dies so we have to figure out something. H isn't dieing but his general health is not the best. So he gets concerned. He didn't like how everything went to **** when he had to leave. But I don't know how to remedy it.

My vitamin D level is pretty low. I googled the symptoms and all the **** I've been feeling and dealing with is on there from depression to fatigue to frequent illness. My doctor said we'll address the results at my appointment next week. I've dealt with this before and I need to just deal with taking vitamins especially since things have gotten so much worse this last 1.5 month.

I just threw up a bit. It could possibly be from this morning. Tums are useless.

I need to detox from Tums, Zofran and, Pepcid. And I need to take my Geodon correctly. I'll skip my night one and take the AM one at 1AM. Then that will be 24 hours without any. I should be back on track by then. Maybe I'll try my brothers melatonin.

I kinda want to go to the ER. For the stomach stuff. But I feel like this pretty much every night and then in the morning I'm fine. I'm not even throwing up. I'm just nauseated.

Idk I think I just need to get back on track with my Geodon. But then it feels like I have a messed up gallbladder or something at the same time.

The last Geodon was at like 1:30AM ... The first 80 was at 10PM so I'm not sure if its ok to take any now... I don't know how long it stays in your system.

The perceived wisdom is that it promotes health and happiness to exercise in nature so i took heed yesterday and today and walked by the river for an hour with my dog. We saw some power unicycle scooters -- i didn't even know that was a thing.

I tried to be mindful and did notice how quiet it was. Green grass is peeking thru in spots. On the tops of the trees there are buds. There is snow in the forecast tho. I'm grateful it was nice weather this weekend, lots of sunshine. I'm glad i got out.

Three of my six weekly ZOOM events were cancelled due to Easter, so it's been a challenging time, and i broke my abstinence and had a pop. It was really good tho. I just got tired of resisting and gave in. It was the seventh day. Well, i'll keep trying. Quitting just before a major holiday was not ideal, but there's never a good time to quit. I just have to persevere.

Feeling on the upside tonight. No real health problems to report. Really getting used to being in my own skin. Sure, I am 40 pounds heavier than I was a few months ago, but it can come off and I have to stop beating myself up so much. I am blessed because my bipolar symptoms haven't been unmanageable in a very long time. Yeah, I have lows and highs, but they are no longer severe enough for hospitalizations.

I think I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Still about as creative as a rock, but getting the April issue of the ezine ready has given me some purpose and motivation, so that's good. Want to get these authors and their awesome stories out there. Bring some voice to the voiceless and all that. Have my therapist appointment tomorrow morning, so I actually have to shower and get ready for that. Ugh. Don't wanna. I don't want to talk to anyone. Situation with getting my seroquel refill. I don't know WHAT the problem is this time, but it's really freakin' annoying. Whatever. At least I have my pdoc appointment on Wednesday.

I just want to get my seroquel refill so I can fill out my pill box for the week and after tomorrow I'm going to be all out. I checked the bottle. I AM due for a refill, and I DO have one refill left. I don't know why they have to contact my provider. I guess I'll just call my pdoc's office tomorrow. Not that I feel like calling anyone. I guess if I'm out, I'm out. Not much I can do about it if they're going to be weird.

@JaneOnceMore

I've been falling off the wagon lately with coke zero lately too. You're not alone. I drank a 2-liter today. I've been drinking just iced green tea as of late. It's my new addiction, but I still find myself being drawn to the coke zero. I don't care right now. If I was you I wouldn't worry about it. There's worse things to be addicted to, like crack cocaine.

@Mountaindewed

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much physically and emotionally. I hope you get the help you need and start feeling better soon. ❤️

@LadyShadow

Happy to hear you had a good day! Hope there are more to come.

I went to the ER. And they couldn't figure out why I was throwing up. They didn't do any CT scans or anything but my blood work was ok besides my kidney levels and the stuff my doctor did yesterday. They did give me a ton of IV fluids and a couple doses of nausea meds. So I am feeling better. They had to do a urine test and the nurse didn't know I am trans so she went about telling me how to do it like I have had bottom surgery. Kinda pretty awkward just because I've never been talked to like that. idk. But everyone was super nice and informative and the doctor talked to us for a long time. Idk. My mom is still betting its my vision and some vitamin D stuff. I feel better in my own room where the TV is closer.

I feel kind of inadequate as an editor because the authors I'm publishing have better writing credentials than me! Whatever I guess. I know my writing "career" up to this point is pathetic and the only real things I have to my name are four indie published novels, which really isn't much. Yeah. I'm not bawling at all for being such a pathetic failure at life. 😭 I know. BOOHOO. It's not my fault I sporadically go crazy and then it takes me months to recover. I also spent my thirties raising a child.

I don't know. I'm just really disappointed in myself. I'm almost dead and have accomplished nothing. The guy I lost my virginity to (total asswipe... got me drunk and took advantage of me) has had all these pro publications and has a successful podcast, and here I am with my four indie published novels and tiny little ezine. And he wrote a story bashing me and got it published in a pro magazine... then republished it in an anthology of his short stories, which has like 50 reviews on Amazon (all five stars) in 2022. I left a review. Gave him five stars. Said my favorite story was the one where he was bashing me. Said he was a genius. Sounded nice. Only one who's going to know it was a **** you is him. Wishing I wouldn't have left it. He has the power to destroy me. OF COURSE he does. 😭

He's always going to win.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow 😒. Like a lot, and I have my pdoc appointment in the morning, which sucks. Hopefully we can make it. If we can't I'll cry. I'm a wreck 😫. Dr K HAS to help me. I'm going to BEG him for help!!!

I'm just a big FAILURE.

If you look up FAILURE in the dictionary there's a picture of me.

I just got my first order of groceries without pop -- EVER!!!

@raspberrytorte:

Thanks for the shout-out. Yeah, Coke Zero is a bugger to quit. I agree that there are worse addictions. To be clear, i'm making this attempt mostly because it's no longer practical to drink it. The grocery delivery service i use has started making a fuss about carrying it up thru the building. As to your feelings of failure, i think having written four books is quite an accomplishment!

I haven’t been on the forums as much. Kind of been in my own world since my mini stroke. I’m finding not being able / allowed to drive the most difficult. I’ve got 1.5 weeks holiday left with my son. It’s Easter break. And I can’t take him anywhere. Uber is crap - doesn’t exist in my small country town nor do public buses. I bought him a bike to ride around town and of course it poured with rain yesterday so we were stuck indoors. I finally got around to grading some paperwork this morning. Glad I got that out the way. I’ll try be around a little bit more. I’m in the southern hemisphere and my mood is dipping as the weather gets colder. Been taking my vitamin d supplements because I’m always low.

I have missed seeing you @Crazy Hitch ! I feel like it has been forever. It took me a long time to come back to the forums too after being away for too long. So sorry that you've been dipping into a low with the colder weather, I tend to do that too. So good to see you though, have missed you.

Girl 4 books! Indie or not! @raspberrytorte - I have been having so much trouble writing one book! It is taking me forever to write my own anthology, I swear I have no time, yet I have all the time in the world. But don't give that douchebag any more power girl - I mean I don't know him, so I shouldn't call him that, (so sorry), but anyone that bashes you for their own personal gain isn't worth a crap in my books. You have had wonderful accomplishments, I don't think you're a failure at all. I am proud of you!

As for me, I am having a good day. Went to the gym and have been following my diet and not eating outside food. Also, have been drinking a lot more water. I can't let my weight loss and the way I look be the driving force in my life. I've actually thought I might have body dysmorphia because of the way I view myself, rather than how other people see me. I think I am so fat and disgusting most days, but today, I didn't. Been feeling a little sad about my husband too, I miss him, I still see his face at night. I guess the love will take a long time to go away, if it ever will.

Thanks @LadyShadow! I have missed you too. Always a pleasure to see you on the forums 😊

I had a good talk with my PCP about how the neurologist wrote in his notes that, if I got an autonomic system test done and the results were fine, my pdoc should evaluate me. She said not to worry about it; that neurologists, especially older ones, aren't exactly known for their bedside manor.

It's such a relief she is choosing to believe me/trust the past conversations we had to eliminate psych stuff/med side effects as we try to figure out what's up.

I also didn't have any negative mental health effects from having to pause my meds for my dizziness test! The test showed the vestibular system in my right ear isn't working properly. I don't get to go over these results in detail with my ENT until the 11th though. Thankfully, my PT will be able to talk with me about it somewhat on Thursday.

I went to the gym today, so hopefully, I'll sleep longer tonight.

I slept just four hours last night.

I see my pdoc in another seven days, so I'll have to deal with the sleep problems until then.

Still feeling low but it's alright. It's the anxiety that's a big problem these days.

My eye doctor appointment was a bit of a **** show. They were understaffed and they had this super rude lady working the machine and she was sick and hacking all over the place and she was new and couldn't get the machine to work. And she was acting like it was my problem and she was touching my head and got mad at me a couple times. Mainly I just don't want to get whatever it is she is sick with. Then the doctor told me everything was ok but that I had a catatract. And I'm only 31? Who gets cataracts in their 30's. Anyways she told me not to worry about it. But I got a pair of pretty much invisible glasses that are transtion. I didn't even know transtion was an option until the nicer lady working the desk asked me if I wanted them. I had a $400 budget from my insurance and the exam was free so I said "yeah."

Anyways it took a long time because of the stupid lady who couldn't work machine. I got some head phones before my apppointment. I got some red Beats wireless ear buds. They were on sale for a really good price.

My anxiety is tough today and I've been up since 1AM. Physicsally I'm ok.

My appointment went okay I guess. Dr. K is convinced gabapentin is to blame for my weight gain and wanted to (very VERY) slowly wean me off it and see how I do. I was taking 800mg 4x a day. He cut me to 600mg 4x a day. I agreed. Whatever. I'm just going to trust him. He said he didn't want to put me on Wellbutrin because of my bad anxiety disorder. I can see his reasoning on that I guess. I don't know. I've given up so I'm just going to trust the man. If it doesn't work out I'll just beg to be put back on my regular dose.

I feel like I'm going to lose my mind right now and I don't know what I need. I know I'm sleep deprived and stuff. But I'm also super anxious.

Feeling pretty good, but I keep thinking about my ex. I know it's completely over, and he can't reach me, but my thoughts go to him often still. I still love him very much. We had such a strong bond, it's harder to get over than I had thought. But symptomatic wise I am okay.

Having problems with anxiety today. I brought it on myself. I hate my brain 🧠 so much. So so much! I get squirreled down these rabbit holes to dooms day and then my actions follow and I just I obsess and mistake after mistake is made and the WORRYING is the worst! Somebody PLEASE tell me it’s going to be ok! (And please mean it.).

I saw my pdoc the other day. Like my therapist she felt I am doing very well and am totally recovered from my depression and doing the best I have for years. She agrees that the addition of low-dose Seroquel to my meds is very beneficial and I'll be staying on it instead of coming off like we'd planned when I started it. In a few months I'm going to start provigil to see if we can decrease my need for sleep to maybe 10 hours instead of 12. It's all good and I'm glad. I'm excited about the provigil; every winter we add more sedation and then can't take it away in the summer like we plan. So working around it is a better option and provigil is generic now so I can afford it even if my insurance doesn't cover it.

It's good.

I can’t do anything right. All I’ve had to eat today is a few spoonfuls of strawberry cobbler. My non-boyfriend won’t answer my calls. When I lay down to sleep, my hands shake terribly. I’m on the max dose of Ingrezza. I can’t live or sleep like this. Being taken off Ingrezza has really messed me up. I suppose it hasn’t been two weeks since I was put back on it which is the time frame my Pdoc gave me.

It will be ok. You've been through a lot in the last few months. Your brain has had to adjust to 2 AP changes and the Ingezza mess (I think that's right, maybe more changes?). It will get better when things calm down and your body adjusts.

Have you ever done therapy focused on anxiety reduction? It helps me although it's definitely an ongoing process.

No. I’ve actually done very little therapy. I’ve never felt like I had much to say if anything.

Is that something you'd consider? Like I said it really helps me with anxiety. I've learned to manage overall anxiety although we still have to talk about things that are making me anxious, like this week I'm anxious about getting a haircut. But knowing that I can talk about what it worrying me helps me have less overall anxiety and I'm less likely to worry about worrying which used to be a huge problem for me.

I should shower and wash my hair today but I know I won’t. I’ll likely leave it for this weekend!