Bipolar Check-in #79

I'm SO mentally and physically exhausted. 😪 The weather is beautiful. All I did today was sleep. I didn't even write in my journal and I've been doing that every morning for the last three years. I have promoting to do and submissions to read and interview questions to write and reading to do and my own creative writing to work on. Ugh. I have a million things to do! I don't have time for mental health days.

Tomorrow it's supposed to be sixty-eight degrees outside and I KNOW my husband is going to drag my *** to the park. Except that means I have to get my *** in the shower, which has been a chore as of late. I think I'm probably just going to end up sleeping all day again. That's all I want to do.

I've completely given up.

@raspberrytorte - man oh man, have I been there, I hope you pull through soon.

Feeling a bit manic still since last night - lazed around late this morning and going to do the same tomorrow. It's hard for me to get going in the mornings but I am going to try and sleep now. Been a good day - my husband is out there getting high and I really don't give a damn anymore. He lied to me, which he never did before and it's made a really big difference in how I feel.

It's going to be okay, the cord is finally cut.

My pdoc was actually really nice. He didn't yell at me about the lamictal. He just said that if I do continue to change my meds on own I'll be fired as a patient. But he didn't even have a tone or anything. He agreed to let me stay on the 75mg Lamictal. I wanted to go higher but he said not right now. I need to go up really slowly. I think he thinks I'm doing pretty good at this dose. He is also putting me back on 25mg Prestiq instead of Wellbutrin. So he did listen and wasn't an ***.

After that I spent the evening throwing up again. I found some Pedialyte popsicles and even those I couldn't keep down. I woke up feeling queasy.

@mountainDweed have you been on a scopolomade patch? They are really for seasickness but can be prescribed for severe nausea. I had one during my long ltihium toxicity (I've had 3 so different stories are different ideas but I have had that severe nausea and vomiting so I do understand somewhat). Anyway I had one of those and it did make some difference. Obviously the only thing that was going to help my nausea and vomiting was getting my lithium level down but we didn't know it was up so instead I was puking behind the dumpster at work.

I haven't tried them. I tried those sea band things and thought they were worked for slight nausea

I had lithium toxicity when I was 14 and people thought I was just throwing up on purpose. My dose was eventually lowered and I stopped throwing up. I still was never told it was lithium toxicity though.

And now I have the kidney issues from lithium and despite being off it for 10 years my kidney level just went up. I'm waiting for the lawsuit commercials to start. Like the Camp Lejune ones.

Today is pdoc day. I normally sleep 12 hours a day which is something I need to address with him. But here it is. 1:53am and I’m wide awake drinking a coffee because I’m not even sure I’ll get back to sleep.

Because I can’t drive yet due to the minor stroke my partner is taking me in. We have to leave at 6:30 for the 8:30am appointment because we’re hitting work traffic on the freeway otherwise it would take an hour. No coffee shops nearby either for when we arrive there.

Man tho this is going to be a long day. At least I have a reason to get out of bed. I’ve scarcely been getting out of bed lately.

I'm in quite a bit of pain today. I haven't started up with the barfing yet but I haven't eaten much either. I did restart the Prestiq around 10AM. I'm keeping water down which is good. I set up an appointment with my pcp for Friday. My GI doc is still giving me the run around and my mom is getting very concnerned about me. Eh as long as I just don't eat much for the rest of the day it won't be too bad. I had some ice cream which was ok and my Slim Fast this morning was ok too. I'll just have to see. I have the chills and I'm drowsy but I don't have a fever. I cancelled therapy. No use being a mess during a session

Man does my stomach hurt right now and I just tossed my oreo cookie sundae. So now I can't eat anything.

I'm so angry. Car insurance is a joke. A man ran a red light and hit my car. Its luckily only the bumper and no real damage other than cosmetic. I filed a claim. It's an older car and it's all I have, and here are my options

They have totaled the car.

Options:

1) They take my car and give me not enough to buy a new one.

2) I salvage my car, they give me not enough to fix it, and go without a car.
3) I drop the claim and keep my drivable car.

Are you kidding me? What is even the point. Just seems ridiculous to pay a premium every month to have options like that.

I think it's obvious what I decided to do. It seems so unfair but at least they can't take my car from me.

I had a customer provoke a "fight or flight" response I haven't had in years. He didn't do it purposely as it was just a "Thank you very much." pat on the arm. But because it was unseen and unexpected, I nearly jammed my elbow into the man's face in panic.

To the man's credit, he realized what happened and apologized profusely. I accepted (and apologized myself), as it wasn't intentional, but my nerves were shot for the rest of the day. They're still a bit shot today. It's been 5+ years since I've had that reaction and I'm nervous about my job. My boss has been good to me, but if she chooses to believe I nearly attacked someone for no good reason...

My second book arrived! Was just reading the first chapter. It’s going to be difficult to know which one to read first!

Feeling pretty good despite knowing my ex is out in the street still doing drugs. I can't believe I am numb to it all now.

Talked to my sponsor about it, and she said I should stop beating myself up for backsliding and calling him. These are all his decisions to make, it's my decision to stay in it or walk away. But my mood is pretty good though, despite everything else.

My daughter said she was going around school today telling everyone she was unwanted. I never said that! I never once told her I didn't want her! I just said she was a "surprise" pregnancy 😳. So now MY feelings are hurt.

Speaking of "surprise" pregnancies, had to take a plan B today so another one of those wouldn't happen. Aren't they trying to make plan B illegal? I should look this up. I'm curious 🤔. My husband told me he thought it was already illegal in some states. I don't know why they'd want to make it illegal, but whatever.

Slept all day yesterday and all day today. Wasting my life away. Husband and daughter are at the park. Daughter hurt my feelings AGAIN because she was all like, "You never do anything with us!!" It's not THEM personally. I can't do ANYTHING right now. 😪

H wants to move cross country again. This time to Cal. I understand wanting to be around friends but it just doesn't seem like a good idea. I know he wants a house instead of an apartment, the weather is better but it's far from family. Not that we're close now but we're a day trip away vs all the way across the country. It doesn't help our neighbors scream and throw their trash everywhere. And it's not friendly to me. Victoria wants to go, h wants to go so we'll see.

I fell asleep yesterday afternoon at 3PM. My mom woke me up at 7:20. She said she didn't want me to wake up in the middle of the night and be up. I had to take a med at 11PM for an 8AM bloodwork so I just stayed up until 11 and took the pill. I fell asleep fast after that and I slept until 6:30.

The lab went fine. I got it done at like 7:55. I'm pretty nauseated right now so I'm just hanging out at home. I had a protein cinnamon roll and some sugar free coffee but not much.

Getting off the Wellbutrin really improved my moods and anxiety though. I feel a lot better mental health wise. The Prestiq makes me drowsy and doesn't help my nausea but it doesn't cause anything like the way the Wellbutrin did.

But man my stomach hurts badly right now.

Throwing up blue cold foam is gross.

@Mountaindewed

Do you have an anxiety disorder diagnosis? My pdoc didn't want to put me on Wellbutrin again because mine is pretty severe and he said it would make it worse. I hate anxiety. 😒 I'm happy you're feeling better now that you're off it. It rose my anxiety to intolerable levels. I couldn't stand it! Like I've said before, I BEGGED to go back on Cymbalta.

And damn, your psychiatrist said he'd fire you as a patient if you made more med changes on your own? What an ***. You were desperate. It's not yout fault he wasn't taking you seriously. Are you still looking into getting a new pdoc? Please do. This guy is just an ****.

I would have been fired a long time ago. Lol.

I hope you start to feel better physically soon.

(((Hugs)))

@raspberrytorte yeah I have an anxiety disorder diganosis and the Wellbutrin was also causing me to be irritable and it was causing all these other weird things like low self esteem and questioning my life and weird urges and **** like that. It was kinda freaky.

My Pdoc mentioned the lamictal rash and said thats why this time was so serious. I tried finding another pdoc but I don't have many options

I can't keep anything down again. Even a couple sips of water. I think I threw up like 7 times today. Mostly bile and meds since I haven't eaten much because I'm not hungry. I see my pcp tommorow. He is kind of a dud so I don't know what he can or will do. My mom says I can't live like this. Yeah I know. So take me to another health care system for a second opinion. But she won't have that conversation.

I don't get how these people who fake illness for attention get unecessary surgeries when people with legit medical problems can't even get a doctors appointment.

A bit emotional today, reconnected with a friend who looks really good now. He lost a bunch of weight and he said he didn't want to reach out to me because my husband had been really controlling. But talking to him last night for hours was an amazing feeling, he made me feel so beautiful, and I realized that my husband isn't the only one who can adore me in this way. It was eye-opening.

But we ended up talking all night, so that pretty much killed all my plans for the day - so I took a day for myself and pretty much rested before I have to go into work tomorrow. He has Bipolar 2 and I have Bipolar 1 and I didn't realize our podcast on the differences between the two had gotten so many hits over the years. I feel pretty good about things - my husband showed up at home last night and his mom had the sheriff send him to the psych ward. Here we go again.

My pdoc gave me oxazepam! I haven’t had benzodiazepines for 4 months at least because gp refused to give them to me. He said my mini stroke may have been an extremely bad panic attack given MRI and CT scans were clear. I’m not sure I’m convinced, but he was just putting it out there.

I did my lesson plans today for next week. Shyt just got real I’m going back to work next week after a month off ughhh noooo. I feel like having a meltdown every time I think about it.

Something like Cleveland or Mayo Clinic where they evaluate you completely, all your meds, etc.

Have you gotten just a plain old physical at your pcp's recently? Usually a different person does it than the pcp.

I met with my new doctor a few weeks ago. He didn't really do a physical but he checked my blood pressure which was like 130. Then he checked my lungs and heart and all that. My blood pressure was 140 somewhere and they just shrugged it off. Idk. Maybe it is just somatic but then how do you fix that...

What does it mean when you smell something really bad? Like eggs or something. Idk if its me or my room but its nauseating.

I'm about to go take a shower and sleep somewhere else. I sprayed air freshner and fabric spray but its not helping.

I put 2 of my blankets in the washing machine and sprayed more air freshener and I put on another shirt and the smell is still there. Wtf?

Had a chat with my PsychNP not long after this. I've always liked him as a sounding board and he managed to talk me off the proverbial ledge.

Conclusion: If the man who unintentionally triggered me wasn't mad and not going to bring it up, why should I? Also, I'm getting closer to even keeled again, so I'm not going to rock the boat.

Disconcerting, but nothing I couldn't come back from!

I'm sleeping just 3-4 hours a night and I'm so tired all day.

My pdoc increased Vraylar to 3 mg from 1.5.

She also prescribed a low dose of Seroquel for my sleep problems.

Dewed - re smell - is it your nose? Or does your mother smell it on your sheets too? I wouldnt be surprised if you smell like a Taqui or whatever it is you kids eat! Whats in your lunchables? Plus they are getting banned from schools for lead.

Lol. Your post reminds me of this sitcom I binge watched during the pandemic where the dad said "you kids and your Pink Freud music!"

I took a really good shower this morning and I can still smell it a bit. So idk. I haven't been in my room all day.