Bipolar Check-in #79

LOL. I said nose because when i googled, it said you could have old snot up your sinus. That was not the scientific term.

Well, it looks like I'm hypomanic. I'm sleeping very little and I'm obsessed with goals and goal-based activities.

At least I'm aware of it, so I can check myself.

I went to the gym today, it was a light workout so I'm not tired.

My doctor wants me to go to another hospital for a second opinion about my rotated right intestine to see if they think its an issue. Its a fairly local hospital. My coritsiol test came back and it was low. So I'm not sure what that means. It wasn't all that low but it wasn't normal. I'll have to wait to hear back from my doctor.

I've kept some food down today. I am a bit queasy right now but I'm holding down the fort so far. I've lost 3 pounds since Monday.

I’m not having a good day. Since yesterday I’ve been troubles with constipation. Plus I’m dripping blood on the floor from the hemorrhoids while I try to pull up my underwear and pants. It’s not my period I am sure of that. It’s bright red blood dripping from me. So I put on a maxi pad but I’m still ruining my underwear. I did call the drs office and the nurse said to take Miralax twice a day and add Colace.

Today has been a long one. im soooo sleepy.

My husband was a menace again today and made me walk to the store with him. I did not enjoy it. Had my appointment with my therapist this morning. Only reason why I didn't cancel is because my husband was being a menace again and was all like, "You need to talk to someone. That's why she's there. You haven't been out of the apartment in nine days!"

The appointment went fine. There was no where to sit in the coffee shop, so we ended up going for a drive. We talked about phentermine and my weight a bit. She told me there's a metabolic shift all women go through in their forties. Great. She encouraged me to call my GP and see if there were any other meds we could try (besides contrave or the injectables, which my insurance won't cover and I can't afford. $1000 a month? Ha! I'm on SSDI! So I called my GP and have an appointment scheduled with her on the 16th.

I'm just trying to figure out how someone can go from being on top of the world to down in the sewers in less than a month. Honestly, I listen to songs I would listen to while I was hypo--super happy songs--and now they just make me bawl. I need to get my **** together. I don't understand why my pdoc didn't increase my Cymbalta at my appointment last Wednesday. 😒 I'm not maxed out on it. I'm thinking about calling and requesting an increase.

I don't think decreasing my gabbies are going to make me feel better.

But I'm not the doctor.

You would be surprised how fast we can slip into such a low after being so high @raspberrytorte - but the good news is if you're sitting in a low, you can absolutely bounce back from that too!

I had a really good day today because I didn't go to work today. Really not excited anymore to drive an hour for a $10/hour job. I feel obligated to the owner because she gave me a job when I have a record, and the only reason I keep it is I need a job to report to probation. But that commute is starting to get to me and it doesn't make much sense anymore especially since her business is really failing.

Ended up going to Zaxby's and getting an amazing salad, which they are famous for around here. Also went to the post office and mailed out a letter to my penpal. My life is pretty good, I have to start learning to enjoy it more.

No word about my husband. Last I heard he was in a psych ward, but he has no way of contacting me.

I slept for 5 hours last night!

It looks like the low dose of Seroquel helped. I'm still tired but it's better than during the last several days.

Still very focussed, but I'm not spending it shipping, just obsessing over what I'm working on.

@raspberrytorte see if your pdoc will put you on 25mg of Prestiq. It can help with appetite and weight loss. It was listed in the list of side effects from the text I got from my doctor.

But just be careful because I heard Prestiq can sometimes cause mania but I never had that issue.

I'm already on a **** ton of meds. I don't think my pdoc wants to put me on anything new unfortunately. I think his goal is to get me OFF meds, hence weaning me off the gabbies. (Though why he's so insistent it be gabapentin is beyond me. I'd rather go off something useless, like topamax.)

I can't keep anything down again today. I ate a protein cinnamon bun and drank some water and then like 5 minutes later puked it up along with my daily vitamin. That was around 6AM and it was my first time eating since 1PM yesterday. Then I threw up some more water a few minutes after taking a nausea med. I'm doing all this crazy grocery shopping because I just want to be able to eat pizza without barfing. I'm at my lowest weight since Febuaray 27th and I know part of its the Prestiq but also part of it is this stomach stuff. I'm eating like 900-1100 calories a day.

Mood and anxiety wise I've been fine. The Prestiq is working well for it. It makes me drowsy though.

Actually I think the sips of Pedialyte I'm keeping down are helping right now

@Mountaindewed have you tried sticking to the BRAT diet for several days to help your stomach calm down? (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast (dry but I put applesauce on it b/c I'm sneaky like that). I think when you are that nauseous and vomiting so much that giving your system a break might help.

No but I have rice and toast I can try. I think we might have bananas.

I tossed up the pedialyte and now I have a headache and I'm drowsy. I made some rice and I took a couple bites and its staying down but I'm not too hungry.

My non-boyfriend is coming today so we can scout out the train station and it’s parking lot before our trip to Chicago. And today my period started. Only one day after my fertility friend app predicted.

Now not only am I depressed but I've developed a negative attitude, AND I'm going through phentermine withdrawal. That's some nasty shyt. I wasn't even on it that long! And I thought I was tired BEFORE. I can tell I'm doing worse today because my actual ESA won't leave me alone. I see my pdoc again on May 15th. I'm not sure if I want to call or tough this out until then. I guess who cares really.

Meanwhile I'm starting to get a backup of submissions and still have interview questions to write, but I just can't seem to make myself do anything!

I don't even like promoting my book anymore because with my negative attitude I'm starting to get jealous of everyone who is having more success than me (which is, of course, EVERYONE), instead of just being happy for them and moving forward in my quest. I mean, for an impulsively published book with no ARC readers and no audience and no marketing plan (because I was hypo as **** when I published it) it hasn't done poorly. I just wish I wouldn't have published it while hypo is all because I didn't think things through.

But I guess I can treat it as a learning experience. A very painful learning experience that is making me bawl. 😭

Oh, I've also started boohooing about my mental illness (part of the whole negative attitude development). I NEVER boohoo about that. I'm really going downwards. My boat has a hole in it. It's sinking.

Oh, and my therapist recommended I make a list of the things that make me mad 😡. I did that this morning. It didn't make me feel better. I don't know what the point was.

So far no more rectal bleeding but as I said I started my period. The preparation H is helping. It has yet to be seen if the Miralax and Colace are working.

My visit with my non-boyfriend was nice. We found the train station and the parking lot for our trip in a few weeks.

My cat has been chillaxin in her tunnel. It’s got some screen mesh she can look out of.

Pretty good day today, accomplished not too much, but still feel pretty good. Not symptomatic.

Thoughts keep going to my husband, I listened to "Green Eyes" by Coldplay and started bawling my eyes out. It was a song he said he used to sing in the jail cell to me when he missed me. I can't even listen to music anymore because there are so many songs that remind me of him. It's really sad, but I think I am getting over it.

well my grandfather is still with us but is still actively dying. im gonna really miss him but ive been visiting a lot. luckily hes at home being cared for by hospice.

I'm just a leach on society. I can't do anything right. Love doesn't mend mental illness. I can't help anyone. I don't know how to just rot away. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel similar.

I mean.... what's the fukking point?! 😭

Well, I accomplished some things today at least. I read through all my submissions. Rejected all but two (I always feel like such a **** rejecting people, but even if we're only a tiny ezine and I can't pay people I still want the best for the site). I just need one more short story and I'll be set for the May issue.

Got my interview questions done and emailed out.

Now I just have to finish the book I'm reading so I can write my book review! I was going to give this book four stars, but it just dipped down into three stars. I don't like the author's writing style and the whole drinking all the time thing is getting old. Plus, the killer is OF COURSE schizophrenic, which is really fukking cliché.

Went to a student jazz concert.
It was terrific.drums, upright bass ,sax ,trumpet, piano, guitar.
Really great bunch of students so talented.
It was Tims recital, and he played sax and clarinet.
Going to a play tomorrow, It should be good.
next week is jazz week. the student combos beginning and intermediate
and advanced
Then the faculty play a concert.
Hubby is not happy they are not going to have
time to practice so they will practice 2 hours before
the concert. Hubby plays classical and jazz guitar.


so lots of music and 2 plays in the next 2 weeks Love it.
bizi

Went to meet my daughter for lunch in the city. Now I know why I live in the country. I feel a wreck. Too loud and too many people. And I hate the train and trams. Busy, crowded. Got home and had a very hot bath to try relax. Anxiety now about a 7/10. Still there not completely gone. I’m

I've kept down half a protein cookie, half a piece of toast, a bottle of Mountain Dew, and a Slim Fast, all in the past 6 hours. My stomach is on edge right now but I've kept everything down.

I got my room cleaned up a bit. I need to wash my comforter though.

I just threw up some bile and a pepcid but nothing that was a big deal. I mean, I don't know if this is a big deal or not but I've kept more down today then I did yesterday.

Having coffee. Got shorts and a T-shirt on - it’s supposed to be 74 today! I’m having money troubles since I got my industrial piercing. I made the minimum payment on the card I used to pay for the piercing and may have to do that with my other credit card. I hope next month will be better. I always pay my credit cards in full so this is unusual for me. Spent too much on my piercing and I’m going to have to charge my follow up appointment for my industrial piercing. They are going to change out the titanium bar for a shorter one and I was looking into getting something for my first lobe piercings. It shouldn’t be too much. I may end up not getting the jewelry for my lobes. Depends on how much they are. At this rate I won’t be able to buy anything in our trip in less than 3 weeks.