Bipolar Check-in #79

Feeling pretty good today. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen cooking chicken curry - it's a west indian favorite from my childhood that my parents try to give me every now and then. I really love my parents - I don't know where I would be without them. Remembering my gratitude list so I can keep focus on the present.

My mind still goes back to my husband every now and then. Remembering that it was my dad who saved me by putting him on a bus back to New York - I would have never had the strength to do it. Just feeling at ease and at peace for once and it's nice to have some company - sometimes being at home can be really lonely.

took my niece to church today. man i love her. we have a close bond. i get to baptize her soon. i gave her a new teen bible today. we also went goodwill shopping. i found some shorts and a nice top at goodwill. ibe lost 45lbs and down a size so i buy a few new things every now and then. now ive got dinner in the crockpot while my husband is out with a friend. we almost have everythingall settled in the apt.

Ugh why don't people read the room

I kept dinner down. Yay. My energy level is still crap. My therapist is not really understanding but I think its on me. Its just I'm normally really sick now at that time but if she doesn't have anything in the morning, then she doesnt. I told her and she just said she was packed this week.

I think I'm just cranky. I ignored her email which isnt like me. I wonder if she knows I'm a bit pissed.

pawpaw got to go to church today. i know how important it was to him as he is dying. they told us the process could last 2 days-2 weeks. hes been in hospice for a week now. my heart is breaking

Codependency issues are flaring up big time. I have the payphone numbers to the hospital where my husband is at and it's taking EVERY LAST OUNCE of strength not to call him.

God please grant me the serenity now because this is so effing hard.

So we have an encampment under our deck. Now Victoria is pissed that we called the police and encampment team. She won't talk to us. She thought we would feed them and stuff. I would love too but it's not safe. She feels this she stole everything from them.

Kind of out of the blue, I find myself wishing I would have found a pdoc back in 2019 when I first thought "if this isn't bipolar disorder, I don't know what is." I can see I was to caught up in the manic (hypomanic?) thoughts that God was calling me to reform a certain corrupt organization. So, I followed where God "wanted" me to go and, instead of seeking treatment, ended up joining this emotionally and spiritually abusive group for a year and a half, with my time there ending in a very traumatic way.

I'm trying to find a way to grieve what was lost by being diagnosed in Sept. 2021 instead of 2019 without spiraling or completely beating myself up about it. The temptation is to be really hard on myself.

This will be a good think to talk with my counselor and pdoc about, but I don't see either of them for a few weeks.

I get lonely at home too. It’s great that your parents are still together and still alive.

I'm feeling better. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep now that I'm on low dose Seroquel.

Hypomania has reduced.

The bad news is that I have a significant Seroquel hangover in the morning, which lasts until the afternoon.

Went to Starbucks and used the remaining money on my app to pay for a drink. Now I can’t reload it because I have to pay for my piercing being downsized this week. I did, however buy menstrual products. While at the store I noticed that they sell that period underwear - forget the brand name- but like the menstrual cups they had they were expensive. I’ll be good to go next month with what I got today - just tampons and pads. I’m old fashioned I guess. I also finished one of the two books I got last week. Interesting read.

I just got my mammogram results in my portal. No malignancy but it did say “ Breast Density: Scattered areas of fibroglandular density”. What’s that mean?

I think (not certain but educated guess) it just means you have some dense tissue in your breasts. That's not uncommon but they note it (and in my state if you have dense breasts they send a letter making sure you know that I think....that was so many letters and scans ago now) because it is harder to feel lumps in dense breasts and is more important to keep up with mammograms. One of the reasons I have so many biopsies is that my breasts are so dense physical exams don't show much and so they need imagining and then the imaging isn't clear and so they biopsy and it usually is what they think it is. I don't think they are saying you have very dense breasts; I think they call that hyperdensity or something like that, just you have spots of density both in the tissue and the breast glands.

Ugh. My husband was a menace yet AGAIN!!!! Made me take a shower because, "...it's been a week! You're going to start smelling!". Made me go out for lunch with him. Made me walk to the store with him. I guess I got four diet cokes out of the whole ordeal.

I don't even know how I'm feeling anymore. 😕 I'm depressed, yet motivated and driven. I'm neglecting my personal hygiene (not today. Teeth are brushed. Shower is taken. Glasses are cleaned). I'm forgetting, constantly, what month it is and what day of the week it is. I'm driven. I'm not suicidal. I'm cynical. I'm working on my projects again (newest project is audiobook format!). I'm focused on the ezine and promoting my book.

I don't know what the fukk is WRONG with me!

Today confirmed that my mood is a little bit off again. Last week, I felt a little to happy a few days and was having an increase in energy at night (but still slept okay). Then it started to get harder to get out of bed/going in the morning. This turned into some paranoia and irritability.

I am one of the many teachers at my school frustrated with how state testing was organized by my school this year (which is happening this week). The confirmation that my mood is off was, at work today, I was wearing my frustration on my sleeves all day (to the point where my coworkers noticed-they were actually got a kick out of it because I don't normally show much emotion at work).

While still very mild symptoms, it does concern me that this irritability was noticeable to others because it's another reason I'm afraid my symptoms are slowly getting harder to hide each time my mood is off.

So we got only food I can cook too. Even if it's not food I eat. So it's not healthy food but I feel better about contributing to the house. I found out my vet went out of business. So I'm having to find a new one. The one I like is 40 min. Away and $60 more a month doesn't include nail clipping every month so I'm still looking to find one that includes nails or that's another fee. One step forward, three steps back. Oh well.

Definitely feeling better today than yesterday. My ex's mom called me and apologized for giving me the payphone numbers because she knows I am trying to keep my distance. It's better this way. I have to get over him, but if I ever want a friendship with him it has to be when he gets some kind of stability in his life. This rollercoaster is really draining me.

Did another video diary entry today, and I realized I want to be more dressed up for it. Why am I making all these videos looking frumpy? I should do better, at least for myself. The video diary helps me remember what I have been through and my healing, it's really therapeutic, I also still do some journaling as well.

Today was a good day though. It was slow workwise, but I made my quota by the end of the day. It's really hot right now, so I am trying out my AC again. It seems pretty weak, I hope it holds out this summer.

I'm not doing too well. My mild depression continues, which is why i'm not posting much anymore, because there's nothing new to say. Today i took a shower and did laundry and took my dog out twice, so it was a relatively productive day and i'm not sure why i'm not more pleased. I went in my ZOOM social hour, so i had company for the duration.

It might be the dismal weekend with an incident with customer service over chat when i got slightly rude -- i wasn't profane or obscene or racist, just kind of cranky, but i still feel bad about it.

Then the next day i went in to my in-person mental health drop-in and had such anxiety that when a couple guys started talking about dentistry in the waiting area i fled as i am a dental trauma survivor. So that was a disappointment and a big waste of time.

I'm struggling to eat healthy and it never seems to end. I wish i would stop worrying about it. Eating a salad at 8:30pm is no solution. I'm sleeping well but i hear you @Scooter9 on the Seroquel hangover. I dread morning.

I failed yet again to quit Coke Zero. I figured out that if i order it in two liter bottles instead of cases of cans the grocery delivery service can manage to carry them up without fussing. When i was trying to quit i diverted myself onto a Mountain Dew which i haven't had since i was a kid. I had it at noon and was awake all night! Boy, that stuff is potent!

I'm still just not eating much and puking up everything I do eat. I got a rainbow salmon roll last night which I thought was going to stay down until a piece of salmon came up. That was 10 hours ago or so and I just made myself a Dr. Pepper with dirty soda Dr. Pepper creamer and that all came up. I have a bad taste in my mouth so I'm guessing my AM meds came up too.

I am so hungry and thirsty. My insurance company has to approve the other doctor and then this hospital will call me back to set up an appointment.

First day back at work was every bit as awful as I imagined on Monday. Class was awful. Rowdy, disruptive, half of them arrived 11 minutes late, a whole bunch rocked up with no device. I’m so glad yesterday was somewhat better. I hope today goes okay.

According to my coworkers, part of me wearing my emotions on my sleeve yesterday involved swearing. I know the moment they are talking about, but don't remember swearing at all. I remember their reaction and wondering why they reacted the way they did. So, either they both misheard me and are very confident in what they heard or I wasn't completely aware of what was coming out of my mouth...

Swearing is acceptable when just with coworkers at my job, and they got a huge kick out of me yesterday, so it doesn't really matter either way. I just kind of wish I knew so I had a better understanding of where my brain was at (stability wise) in that moment.

@Crazy Hitch I'm sorry you had such a rough day.

I took an extra stomach med. Then 15 minutes later drank a Gatorade. Since you need to have something after you take one of those. I then spent half an hour throwing up. Now I feel all off. I only took one 10mg melatonin. Idfk.

Well the police came back and kicked out the homeless person under our porch. I feel so bad. It shouldn't fall on us it should fall on the property owner. They were so mean.

I completed the bus form for reduced fare. Hopefully that comes in within 2 weeks for my pdoc appointment. I still have to take dinner meds I'll take it with brownies. I have to finish the Pokemon picture for my nephew. It's just not the type of pictures I enjoy. There's a picture that I want to do but I have to wait.

I think I'm actually starting to feel better! Yay! I even have a new novel idea brewing in the back of my mind AND I'm really excited about the audiobook. I found an awesome narrator. She read my prose perfectly! And she was willing to do the royalty share option with no upfront cost, which is great because I don't have any money. In it we both get 20% of the royalties, which isn't a lot, so she's cool. I apologized and said I wished I could offer more (because I do) but she just said that we all have to start somewhere.

Anyway, so I am excited. 😊

Husband and I are having a date day today. I did want to go to the park and have a picnic and walk some trails, but it's raining, and is supposed to rain all day, so we're going to have to come up with something else to do. I even took a shower this morning because I knew it would make him happy. 😊 So now I'm all freshly scrubbed and squeaky clean.

Today I'm running my Amazon ad campaign for my book. I am excited! Hopefully I'll get some more readers. I've only sold one book this month so far! Ugh! I'm thinking about running Facebook ads. Have to look into it. I just want the best for my book.

Have to put together May stories and poems for the ezine. Want to get things ready in advance this month and not wait until the last day again! 😩 That sucked this month!

Okay. I'm going to shut up now. Lol!

Today I did ok until now. I picked up my new glasses around 11. I'm not sure I like them. I got 3 looks on the way out of Target. I don't think transition lenses was a good idea.

Ever since 1 my stomach has been upset and I've been throwing up bits of the beef jerky I had for breakfast. Also the toast I just ate to try to calm my stomach. The applesauce too along with my stomach med I took 15 minutes earlier.

In general I just feel kind of sick and off physically today. More than normal. Plus I'm concerned about my glasses.

I've cut down to one 10mil melatonin a night. And I'm taking all my stomach meds and sticking to a lot of bland foods. So I have no idea.

I went to get a shorter bar in my industrial piercing that I got 5 weeks ago. On the way there there were so many closed roads! I wasn’t sure how I’d get there never mind how to get home. I sat in Starbucks for an hour waiting for the piercing shop to open. They looked at my industrial piercing and said it doesn’t need downsized! That putting a smaller bar in would distort my ear. Saved me money but I got some plugs for my lobes. I hope they stay in. There’s an “O” ring on the back so they should. The way home did not have construction like the way there did. I’m glad I remembered that I could go back the way I usually come into town; it’s the way I go to go to and from church. Now I can’t forget to go to my OBGYN appointment this afternoon. I think she just wants to see if I’m still having regular periods which I am.

ETA: saw my OBGYN this afternoon. I told her that I’ve been having regular periods since the last time I saw her. She said “When is your body going to get the message? You’re 52 which is prime time for menopause!” I don’t mind having periods. I’d rather not be menopausal!