Bipolar Check-in #80

Ughh I've had the vomit through the nose. Things other than snot/boogers (blood?) shouldn't come out of the nose. It's illegal.

Sounds like you've been getting closer to answers to your health problems though. I hope that keeps up, and hopefully you find some explanation that is curable or at least treatable.

I'm not sure they can understand. They are upper middle class. So when I say I'm broke it's different. I don't have the ability to take from a credit card, or get a loan. They say it's just budgeting but that can only go so far. I don't feel like showing them our budget. Insurance is a 4th of our income. That's not gas or anything. So I guess no car. Get caught up on bills and figure out how to get around.

In my usual turn of events, life goes well for a short while till it comes crashing down. The past few nights have been rough and very emotional. Feeling guilty about being happy and about my ex - he plagues my mind still. Concerning to me because these painful episodes happen at night, and I already haven't been sleeping my full 8 hours.

I don't want to ruin my new relationship, and I know he's concerned. I've been crying, going to places I shouldn't, and pretty much doing self-sabotaging things. My life is pretty amazing, this is the life I've always prayed for, so I don't know why I am trying everything I can to ruin it. Why the heck can't I just enjoy it? Going to increase my therapy appointments to once a week again instead of every other week, I think I really need it.

Today turned out to be much better than I expected it to be! I had my monthly support group. Then, my long time counselor (who runs the group) squeezed me in for a last minute counseling session after the group. I went straight from counseling to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in awhile. We spent 3 hours together. It was a good day for the soul, and being out of the house for so many hours/around people did wonders for me since I spend so much time at home and alone over the summer.

Tomorrow, I am going to reach out to schedule an appointment with the new counselor I'm seeing in an every other week rotation with my long time counselor to try and see her later in the week. I tend to need more support as I get close to seeing my mom so better safe than sorry I suppose, especially since seeing her can be such a bipolar symptoms trigger.

I'm now at peace with the fact that, conversation with my pdoc pending, it looks like 2 mg of risperidone needs to be my new dose. It hit me that this is the longest run, by a long shot, of having the same antipsychotic and at the same dose so it kind of makes sense I would need an increase at this point. It just hit me that med changes are often connected to the rare times I see my mom so now it really makes sense that I need an increase. I still try to control my symptoms in a way that isn't actually possible sometimes.

Has anyone gotten bad anxiety from Zofran? I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin right now. My paperwork that came with it says that anxiety is a side effect and I read it online too. I just can't relax.

Ugh!!! I went to bed at 10:30pm and woke up at 12:30am and can't sleep. I've never felt more awake!! My narrator is done with my book. Just have to listen to the entire thing, make sure there are no changes I want made, and approve it and yay! I have an audiobook! I could probably listen to that right now. It's five hours long. Husband is driving me crazy at the moment. I mean, does he REALLY need to be so appealing and half naked 🤔. I fantasize about him seducing me in the middle of the night.

I'm worried about Husband. He told me the other night that if something happened to me (like if I died or something I guess) he wouldn't be with anyone else and would be fine with never having sex again.

I was like, "NEVER AGAIN?!"

And he was like, "Yes. Never again."

Not to mention I wouldn't want him to be alone!

But.... NEVER AGAIN?! Seven days is AGONY for me.

And then he was talking about selling all his music gear, etc., and some other concerning stuff. 😟 I think he's depressed or something. I don't know what to do to make him feel better! He doesn't want to have sex (in fact, he doesn't even like me saying he looks good). He doesn't want to play live music anymore. He's stressed out. I've mentioned having a romantic getaway, just the two of us, but he didn't seem too keen on the idea.

I realize I've been hypersexual lately and acting out of character and am probably being slightly neurotic here, but I just worry about him is all. I know I need to tone it down a bit since I'm probably freaking him out, but I can't help myself. There's something seriously wrong with me!!!!! My therapist actually admitted I was in an "up swing" (she didn't say hypo, just up swing).

I'll talk to him on Thursday night (daughter will be consistently with us Monday through Wednesday and I doubt he'll want to have this kind of discussion tonight, after working 40 hours in three days).

I have my volunteer shift with the rescue kitties. Have one tomorrow as well. Looking forward to it

My library is doing an adult summer reading challenge. They have a website/app where you can track your books read between now and August 15th and at the end they do a drawing and 9 random participants each get a $50 gift card to various local businesses and restaurants. So I signed up for that. I’ve been trying to get myself to read more lately anyway so this will be fun. Also my library has an adult coloring night this coming Tuesday I’m gonna go to. Trying to get myself out of the house more. I find coloring really relaxing. I did a lot of it all the times I was inpatient over the years now it’s one of my favorite coping skills.

I’m hoping to hear back from some jobs next week since I put in a bunch of applications this week. I just need a job I’ll take anything at this point.

I’ve been doing well on the increased abilify. My mood is a lot more stable, I’m less paranoid, and I’m actually sleeping. I slept really good last night. The best sleep I’ve gotten in weeks.

These are my meds now:

30mg abilify
1500mg trileptal
100mg Thorazine

I’ve been setting aside 45 minutes a day to study music theory. And making sure I keep up with practicing violin and ukulele. And meditation for at least 30 minutes a day. And keeping up with exercising. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday. Today is my exercise rest day. Since my boyfriend has the day off we’re gonna spend some time together after I get home from my volunteer shift.
Anyway yeah feeling pretty good, hoping this stability continues

@Mountaindewed Zofran only caused anxiety for me when I had 16mg IV in four hours, and I wouldn't have called the anxiety bad. Might not have even been the Zofran, just the fact I was in a hospital.

@raspberrytorte That is quite a heavy conversation with your husband. I'd be concerned too, especially with getting rid of the beloved music gear (if I ever intentionally gave away my Pacifica--a fccking YAMAHA but I love it and it's great any pseudo-music lovers confuse it for a strat--but yeah, if I gave that away it'd be a really bad sign. Selling it would probably mean desperate for money in the most severe point of addiction I'd ever be in, but I doubt that's the case with your hubby). Hopefully he gets that you're concerned and can work with you and maybe get outside help.

I let those folks at urgent care take my blood and piss to indulge in their kinks. Hope the blood isn't dirty for their sake

First father's day without a father is pretty rad too (not). I'm trying to convince myself he wasn't that bad a guy. I'm just finding it hard to forgive him for a lot of things he's taught me intentionally or unintentionally that have really fccked me up.

@MuddyBoots

Yeah. I'm really worried. 😟 It's not selling his gear for the money.... we're fine on money right now. I don't know. Maybe I'M the one having a midlife crisis. It would be fine if he was just like, "Yeah, Raspberry, I think I just want to focus on my solo projects and not play out live anymore." I'd be like cool, that's fine, whatever, but he's so conflicted and unhappy about it! And his lack of libido...

I mean, NEVER AGAIN?!

And be fine with being a lonely old man if something happened to me?

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

Today my nausea and anxiety are a lot better. I haven't had any soda and I haven't thrown up at all. I had an iced coffee and a lot of tea, but that was fine. I also didn't take any Zofran, and my anxiety was fine. The prilosec seems to be working well.

I'm hoping to hear back from my doctor tommorow. I still am having some stomach pain.

I really am doing a deep clean of my pantry. I got rid of a ton of stuff that bothers my stomach. My brother in law is taking my soda today.

@Mountaindewed

Zofran never made me anxious, but of course I wasn't on it very long, and didn't need to take a lot of it for my pain related nausea. I'm happy you're feeling less anxious. Anxiety sucks!

I had orientation today to volunteer at a small dog rescue shelter. The main role of volunteers is to interact with the dogs. They may also need help with things like folding laundry, cleaning up the outdoor space, and bathing dogs. They never ask volunteers to do the main cleaning. I'm excited to get to hang out with dogs and to have this as a way to get out of the house, but I'm also nervous because I don't have experience with some of the dog temperaments they have there.

I didn't reach out to my counselor today like I said I would. I'm putting it off because I know it will be an emotionally tough session and because I'm embarrassed by the fact that I still need to go to counseling once a week even though I have been going for three years. But, I would never look down on someone for going to counseling as often as they need to so I need to work on not looking down on myself for this too.

Talked to husband. He IS depressed/anxious/stressed. I was all like, "If I died I wouldn't want you to be a lonely old man! I wouldn't want that for you!" And I started crying, and he was all like, "Come here, don't cry!"

I couldn't help it. I love him so, SO much. I hate to see him so depressed and stressed out and at odds with himself and the world in general. I asked him if he wanted to see a therapist, and he said no because he feels awful afterwards when he lets his guard down for anyone but me. Right now he's sleeping and I'm wide awake which is really unfortunate because we're leaving for our trip early tomorrow morning and I still have to pack and everything. Hopefully a nice, family getaway will be good for Husband and he'll come home feeling a bit better.

I just feel so helpless. I don't know how to help him. He thinks I'm going to crash soon. I don't think so. I think I would have already.

I woke up with night sweats last night and still am feeling weird this morning. The only thing I can think is that I had taken Lyrica for 2 days and then skipped it yesterday. It seems like it wouldn't have been long enough to cause night sweats, but who knows? I am pretty sure I remembered to take my Seroquel last night unless I forgot to put it in the pillbox for last night; I know from experience that skipping even 1 or 2 doses of Seroquel causes me to have miserable night sweats.

I saw the pdoc this morning; he didn't change any of my medication but was of the opinion I need to get out more and should volunteer or something. I have such a hard time being among other people; it just feels like so much strain and I feel so self-conscious and awkward.

The nurse from the GIs office back. She said based on the results of the test it does look like I have irritable bowel disease. They want to do a colonoscopy. They are booked until September though. So I'll have to manage things on my own until then. The good thing is I now know whats been causing my issues and its not in my head like the first hospital was hinting at
Also this can drain you of energy so I'm not just being lazy when I can't leave the house or can't take a shower.

Today I've been just feeling kinda mid. Its hot out and I'm throwing up a bit.

I took a Zofran around 11 last night and I woke up with a lot of anxiety at 3 and I had to take a valium. I never take valium that early.

Feeling much better today after the past emotional rollercoaster of the past couple of nights. My period is coming soon, (it's actually a week late), and I have been wondering if all of that is affecting my moods. Yesterday was a really good day - my dad drove all the way back to New York to take care of some things, but I was able to give him his Father's Day present and also spent time with my mom. My mom got to speak to my boyfriend for the first time, so that was good too.

Came home last night and just spent some time cleaning my house. Spent the evening with my boyfriend talking about books, movies and dystopian stories. Just interesting conversation. Woke up this morning with a new sense of purpose as I finished cleaning the rest of my house, changing the water for my flowers, and taking a nice shower and dressing up. I managed to do another video diary entry, I haven't been keeping up with it lately, they are very instrumental in self-reflection and keeping a record of some of the things I've been through. I recommend them to anyone who wants to gain introspection into themselves.

I want to commend you on going for the risperidone increase @June08 - my doctor recommended that same dosage for me to keep up with my bipolar treatment plan. I think that regimen has me being the most stable I have ever been. I am curious to see how well you do on it too, it has been extremely helpful to me.

Painfully aware that my 44th birthday is approaching next week. Usually, it would depress me, but with all the amazing things happening in my life, I am trying not to let it get me down. These bouts of self-sabotage I plan on talking to my therapist about, I want to enjoy the happiness instead of trying to find fault with it.

Felt good today, so I took a selfie to go with my video diary entry : )

My therapist of 7 almost 8 years died unexpectedly this weekend. I just got a call from the office telling me. I’m so devastated. I’ve been crying

@Blue_Bird I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a pdoc unexpectedly when I was in grad school and it was really hard even though we didn't have a very close relationship. So I can imagine how hard losing your therapist would be. Did they offer for you to talk to someone else while you are dealing with the shock of this news?

Thank you, yeah they have one of their crisis people who is gonna be calling and meeting with her patients to help with processing the grief. She was my favorite therapist I’ve ever had

@Blue_Bird

I am so sorry for your loss. That must be devastating.

@LadyShadow
I'm glad you're feeling better. What a beautiful picture!

I got in today to see the dentist on a cancellation for my broken tooth. I was really nervous I would need another root canal, but fortunately it was just a crown. Paid a bit extra to get the laughing gas this time. Last time I had a crown, I got it without the nitrous, and that was rough. Definitely money well worth it.

overngiht my friend dixie died of an apparent massive heart attack at age 38. she leaves behind three sons all under age 5. so sad.

im still experieincing hallucinations. i guess should have told my new pdoc last week but i didnt trust her.

@HALLIEBETH87 I'm sorry for your loss and for the poor little boys who lost their mother.

All of you are in my prayers.

@Blue_Bird That's rough. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope the crisis people are able to help as much as you need. Are they going to help you get in with a new therapist?

@HALLIEBETH87 Sorry for your loss as well. 38 is way too young to die from a heart attack, you and Dixie's family and friends are in my thoughts.

I get to see a pdoc next week. I'm not going to get back on meds. I just need a doc to be on my side for being my own rep. payee. I'm not even going to go for the Naltrexone like I said I would because it makes me feel like shyt. Maybe sobriety makes me feel like shyt though. Same difference.

Also, kinda impatient on getting the lab results from yesterday back. I sleep 14+hours a day now.