Bipolar Check-in #80

Last night, I tried taking just 1 mg of risperidone and had some symptoms again so back to 2 mg today it is. I wonder if part of the reason these symptoms are hanging around longer than usual is because I have extra anxiety about a few different things right now. And, with it being summer vacation, I have to sit with stuff more since I don't have near as much work to distract me.

I was able to do more unpacking in my new classroom today so that helped a little bit.

Still on cloud nine.

Won't be for long though because I have to see my stupid therapist in fifteen minutes and get lectured at about about boundaries and hormones and how I have to see my primary care physician.

Ugh.

Can I just cancel?

Lol

still feeling off today. i made the mistake of emailing my T so now i nervous about what he will say.

grrrrreat. he emailed me back about calling 988 if in emergency which im not in one. im just "off" and needed support. i was too afraid to tell my new pdoc about my hallucinantons and stuff bc i dont knowher yet or how shed react.

I think even if you're afraid about how the new pdoc will react to your hallucinations, it is a good idea to tell her about everything that is going on with you.

My appointment was actually quite pleasant ☺️.

Just laying down for a rest period.

Dreamily thinking about Husband.

*sigh*

Ugh, I've started to have racing thoughts, and I'm having trouble typing this. I think it may be the Lyrica I started taking yesterday. I'm going to stop the Lyrica and see if that helps. I would rather deal with peripheral neuropathy than racing thoughts.

I plan to go to the library this afternoon, and my daughter is driving. She only has her learner's permit and tends to drive way to the right of her lane, nearly hitting the curb. It makes me very anxious when she drives. Hopefully, I get through it. God, I wish I still were on clonazepam.

Blueberrybook - you reminded me that my mom used to drive with her tires on the left lane line. I would sit in the passenger seat trying to shift the car to the right! But then she would run the tires into the curb when she parked, and we always exclaimed, "Daddy's tires!"

You are a saint even to attempt this.

i will tell her next time

OMG, I had a tooth break off at an old filling. I called the dentist, and they can't see me until next Thursday I hope it doesn't mean I'll need another root canal. They don't even do root canals at my dentist anymore. You have to go see a special endodontist for that. I already had to have one root canal and a crown this year, and that cost something like $1200, and that is with dental insurance My teeth are crap. I grind my teeth in my sleep, and I can't keep a nightguard on. Maybe I'll have to try a nightguard again after I get this tooth fixed.

I took my Prilosec and Zofran last night at 6 and then I fell asleep pretty much right away. I woke up at 12:30 in stomach pain so I took 2 Advil and my morning meds and I felt better. Then I got back to sleep until 6.

I feel ok today. Still kinda achy and tired. My mom saw her primary doctor which is also mine. He is the one who reffered me to the other GI doctor. He spent a lot of time talking with my mom about me. And he could tell from my GI doctors note that he wants to do a colonoscopy. I hate the idea of going under. I don't do well with anethesia. Last time it took 2 nurses to help me out, because I was fighting waking up. And I got real bad post procedure depression. I had to call my pdoc. But they are guessing it could possibly be irritable bowel disease or Chrons.

Don't people with Chrons have a look to them? I have this weird long flat stomach and I always thought it was just from getting my G size top surgery done.

If you are having stomach problems, you should not take Advil or any NSAIDs. The doctor told me NSAIDs likely caused my ulcer that perforated, and for that I ended up in emergency surgery and now have a 4-5 inch scar above my belly button. I woke up with something like 15 staples in my abdomen and in severe pain. GI doc told me no more NSAIDs and that leaves only Tyelnol for pain. Tyelnol doesn't do much for pain, but you do not want to risk getting an ulcer on top of everything else and needing major abdomenal surgery. It really sucked and the whole experience (ambulance ride on Valentine's Day because I fainted from everything going on to waking up in such agony that even morphine didn't help) gave me severe PTSD. I hope you find a solution for your stomach issues. Did the doctor get back to you on what your stool sample results mean?

Maybe ask your GI doc if he thinks you can take NSAIDs or not? It's better to be on the safe side with that stuff.

@Blueberrybook

Sorry to hear about your tooth. That really sucks. I'm pretty sure I have a cavity but can't afford to go to the dentist because I don't have dental insurance. Boohoo. Going to have to buy some through the marketplace again.

I hope you make it okay with your daughter driving! Ours is 12, and the thought of her driving in only three years is terrifying. You don't want to be on clonazepam. You don't want to be on any benzo. My psychiatrist who is leaving got me nice and dependent on 30mg of diazepam a day and the likelihood of my new POS psychiatrist keeping me on it is slim and I'm going to have a great time going through benzo withdrawal again in my near future. Yippie. At least I'll lose weight I guess.

Sorry to hear about your racing thoughts. I don't like racing thoughts. Make it hard to sleep. Does Lyrica feel similar to gabapentin? I asked my psychiatrist once if we could switch me from gabapentin to Lyrica and he said no because they're both pretty much the same.

I fell asleep around 10 last night, woke up for 5 minutes or so a couple times to use the bathroom, and didn't really get up until 5pm today, and now it's 7 and I am sooooo ready to get back to sleep. It is not that hot, but it is so humid I'm nauseous. I'm still spotting, no period, and I'm kinda wondering if that's at all connected to how easily I've been bruising lately.

I definitely had a touch of the mania recently, and yesterday was the "transition day" and now it's just "brain rest" AKA brain and I don't do shyt.

Big Celtics party in The Hub tonight. $18 tickets going for $500+. Gotta love ticketmaster.

Oh yawn. SUCH a sleepy, dreamy day. Maybe it was the 300mg of seroquel I took but I'm exhausted. Think I may be crashing. Hopefully not into an episode of depression though. If so, oh well. I'll cycle up again. I'll just spend up to two weeks laying in bed sleeping, zero energy, not showering and listening to depressing music. Lol. I'm just kidding. I'm fine. Just a resting day.

I think I'm so exhausted because it's about that time of the month also.

My therapist and I agreed to cut back one session per month, as we were doing until I got depressed in January. So I don't have an appointment this week.

I think we need to wait for the med changes to go through (I'm lowering gabapentin and Emsam) before we try this again because I'm anxious, kind of paranoid and had some passively scary thoughts the last 2 days. I'm fine, just don't like that I'm thinking that way. I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in me but med changes are hard and I need the support apparently.

I'm scared this will end about December and I get severely depressed in January every year. I guess we'll see.

Yep. Definitely in the crashing process I think. Just want to sleep. Oh yawn. 🥱

saw lots of stuff yesterday. shuld have told pdoc but i was afraid to. dont want her to mess with my meds to much being new and al. im not depressed or manic at all. jsut seeing stuff like geometric shapes and lights flashing and feeling bugs crawling on me. ugh

I forgot to take the Lyrica out of my pillbox and accidentally took it this morning, but I'm not having racing thoughts today. Now I'm not sure if I should keep taking the Lyrica or not. Maybe yesterday was just a fluke. I see the pdoc on Monday. I'll mention it to him if it happens again. Otherwise I'm doing okay moodwise. It's weird to feel so stable after that long period of depression I had through much of winter and spring. I didn't even realize how bad it was until near the end of it, but that was the worst depression I've ever had. Ugh.

@raspberrytorte
It is natural your body might crash after going so long on so little sleep. How is your mood doing? Are you having other signs of depression or are you just tired?

@HALLIEBETH87
When do you see the pdoc again? If your next appointment is still awhile away, can you call and leave a message to talk to your pdoc over the phone? Seeing stuff and feeling bug crawling sensations can't be fun.

I see her again in august. Feeling bugs in my face as we speak

@Blueberrybook

Just run down feeling. No depression. Still feel great. Still very hot and bothered. Still dreamily fantasizing about Husband. Sigh. Until Thursday night. I'm also about to have my period. Like at any moment, so that could be contributing to the run down feeling. But I still feel really good. Think I just need another resting day. Just have to get up off my lazy *** and clean the bathroom!

Oh, made an appointment to see my new POS psychiatrist on August 19th. Ugh. Not looking forward to it. It's one of those extra long sessions where they ask a million questions, and I've OD'd and been IP so many times I don't even remember them all! And I've been on SO many meds. Hopefully she doesn't decide to completely change everything. Last time I saw this particular psychiatrist (and the ONLY time I saw her) she took me off Haldol, zoloft and remeron cold turkey and replaced them with latuda and ambien. ****ed me up big time. Overdose, IP stay, NOT looking forward to seeing this psychiatrist again!

So we dropped Victoria's friends off at the airport and our car started smoking. We nursed it home just for it to get towed an hour later. We can't do this. If we can fix it enough to get it back to my parents I will. We just can't keep a car. My parents blame the area we live in that it's bleeding us dry but I think anywhere would bleed us dry. 950 isn't a lot to live off of. It would have been worse in Florida because we wouldn't have medical on top of everything else at least there's a decent bus system and Victoria can use the bathroom. It just sucks. I wish my family would understand poverty.

That Victoria to educated to get hired at a minimum wage job but no job experience to qualify for a higher paying job. Vocational rehab hasn't gotten back to her or answered their phone. She's hoping for a summer job but it's late. She wants to move out with her friends but she has to make 3x her portion of rent.

It just sucks but I'm not depressed because I'm not crying.

Last night I threw up out of my nose. It was pretty gross. And it hurt. I was trying not to throw up so I had my mouth closed and then I burped and it just came out my nose onto my shirt.

Today I was just tired and anxious and my stomach hurt. I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawel, so a couple hours ago I drank a Mountain Dew. Then I projectile vomited a number of times. But whatever caffeine did stay down helped my anxiety and now I'm fine. My brother in law is taking all my soda tonight so I won't have anymore. He also took all my Doritos and other chips.

I have some dark bags under my eyes. My mom noticed them too. Thats the Crohns disease look I'm talking about.

Yeah, as far as places to be broke and unable to work, MA is probably one of the better states despite being ridiculously expensive. It's expensive because they provide resources better than most other places.

How are you approaching these sorta conversations with your family? Does it seem like they just don't understand or don't WANT to understand or are judgmental? I know I have a lot of struggles people just don't understand, but there is a difference between not being able to imagine it and putting someone down for it.

PS, you don't have to cry to be depressed. Hell, a lot of people in a depression don't cry because there is just nothing going on emotionally. I cry all the time when I'm more "BPDing or PTSDing" upset, but if I'm bipolar depressed and not triggered in other ways, I have to try to get myself to cry usually with the song "For Billy" by Highly Suspect