Bipolar Check-in #81

@raspberrytorte - I teach middle school (although we don't call it that here in Australia) - Year 7 and 8 Humanities (history/geography)

idk how to do trigger warning but im starting to think crazy things

I can't stress to you guys enough the importance of sleep, so I totally understand your concerns @Blueberrybook and @Nammu - in addition to my CPAP, I take 2mg of Risperidone, 25mg of Hydroxyzine and top it all off with 10mg of melatonin - it sounds like a lot and it absolutely is because I feel like some kind of racehorse that needs a tranquilizer to get knocked out for a good night's sleep. But you know, that combination has worked very well for the past two years now.

As for the coffee thing, I don't drink it at all - would you believe I fall right to sleep after a cup? It is the strangest thing! Lol, so I just avoid it because I pass out or have to run to the bathroom! LOL. Not the best at all.

Today was a really good day. Got dressed up and went to an AA meeting. What I realized in all my complaining about not having a purpose is that I have to start helping more people. So, God answered my prayers because a new girl came up to me and asked me to be her sponsor today. I think it's just what I needed to get me out of my thick head. My sponsor was thrilled when I told her about it and gave me some pointers on how to start our first session together.

Galaxy Con in is in one day!! OMG, too excited!!

I had a break from taking care of my mother today. She wanted to stay home alone today to find out how she would fare on her own.

I saw her in the evening and she had forgotten a number of things and did eat much during the day. So I ordered her favorite seafood even though it possibly had too much salt, but whatever, it's just one meal. She was really happy with it.

I got her a couple of grabbers and showed her how to use them. She liked them very much.

My anxiety is still way up and my mood is still way down. My body is complaining about all the stress so I'm treating the symptoms to make myself feel more comfortable.

Tomorrow is a day of driving and helping. I'm taking my mother to her workplace and picking her up when she's done.

I'm experiencing passive SH thoughts. No plans or anything. Just passing thoughts.

Thanks shadow

Scooter I hope things change for the better soon

I have a question? There’s lots of personalities in this building and people like to confide in me. Things like , did you see so and so do that! Did you know… I use my deafness as a fallback in those cases. I say I didn’t hear that, or no, I didn’t know. Do you think that’s ok? I really don’t want to get caught up in between others drama. What’s funny is that a number of them call themselves Christians loudly and proudly but they’re the ones that talk about other the most. I just don’t want to be in the middle.

@Nammu Do what ever you feel like.
It is your life and you don't have to be involved with
the talking of other people.Yes you can use your
deafness as an excuse. Again it is your life and
you get to decide whom to be with and who to ignore.
I know that you will be cautious and nice about it.
Keep us posted.
bizi

I was a bit more active today. I took my dog for a walk and took a shower i was overdue for and ordered groceries. I resolved to be nicer to myself earlier but it's weakening now. I can't be other than i am. It's probably the lousy weather, extreme humidity and i can't get comfortable. I wish i had something to look forward to.

@Blueberrybook caffeine can occasionally cause me to have hypomanic symptoms. It doesn't happen enough for me to stop drinking coffee, or other sources of caffeine, though. I'm definitely hooked on the stuff, especially since my chronic fatigue kicked in. I'd drink iced coffee all day every day if I could!

Today was a good day. I had an alright counseling session. My counseling schedule is now set up so I see my trauma therapist once a month and one to help me with emotional regulation/more day to day stuff once a month. Once thing I'm going to work on with her is the high level of fear I have around bipolar disorder and what the symptoms might turn into in the future. TBD if I'll keep the trauma therapist in the mix or take a break from trauma therapy all together. It's SO nice to, after 3 years, be in a place where I'm not having to go to counseling once a week. It's tempting to completely stop going. I just don't want to stop cold turkey though and I think going at least once a month is probably good to help keep bipolar symptoms in check.

In preparation for seeing my pdoc on Monday, I'm cutting back to 2 mg of risperdione (instead of 3) to see how that goes. This way, I have the most accurate information about my. dose needs when I see him. As I type this, I'm realizing that maybe this is why my brain feels on fire this evening though. We'll see-could just be a coincidence.

@Nammu

It's fine to use your deafness as an excuse. You don't need to be caught up in other people's drama.

@Scooter9

I hope you get relief from your anxiety and depression soon. When do you see your psychiatrist next? I know you were on vraylar and rexulti right but had allergic reactions to both? What are you on now instead? It's good you're taking care of your mom. 😊 I'm happy she's home and okay.

Sorry for butting in, but you are so lucky to be able to reach your pdoc after hours. If I'm in a crisis after hours my only option is going to the hospital.

I wouldn't want to be in that situation either. I think what you're doing is completely acceptable.

In my old apartment building, there was so much drama! I hated it. Some of the women would spread rumors about me. Be nice to my face then I would hear from their boyfriends what they said behind my back. They would try and be my boyfriend but I had one. I've lived in my new apartment for 12 years. I just keep to myself. I hate drama!

I'm really sorry about the mood fluctuations. Since my intense anxiety started I don't have any depression except mild in the winter. It used to be deep dark depressions in the winter before I got medicated. Good for you for helping your mom!

Well the charges on my son haven't been dropped. He has an arraignment in 2 weeks.

The guy that runs these homes told my son that if he has another occurrence like he had the other day he will probably not get them dismissed. But if he behaves and remains calm and doesnt drink tons of coffee they will go to bat for him and they will probably get dismissed. I so hope he doesn't freak out!

I went to meet my new Dr today. I really like her. I wanted my vitamin d tested and my b12 bc I keep getting anemia and the invega I'm on has completely taken my periods away. I guess my mom had low b12 and one of my sisters. It went good. I also wanted her to refer me to see if I can get injections in my back. I have degenerative disc disease. I had back surgery 14 years ago but I never fully recovered from that. I have bad knees too. Part of it is from sleeping sitting up and going back and forth from my bed laying down and coming out to the couch. The last 3 nights I fell asleep on the couch all night which is horrible for my wounds. I've got to go right to my bed after I eat dinner bc I get drowsy. Instead I eat even when I'm full. I've got to get out of the habit of that.

I had to take medical transportation bc I get really anxious driving to a new place. But I can do it next time.

I go to the wound clinic Friday. I'm looking forward to taking a shower tomorrow night. I hope this cast cover works. I've been through 4 so far that get my wraps wet.

@Nammu
I absolutely HATE drama. Do whatever you have to to not get in the middle of it. It only causes more stress.

@Scooter
I'm glad you had a break from taking care of your mom. That sort of care can be overwhelming and stressful. You need to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

@mararinorange
Yes, I LOVE that my pdoc has a cell phone for after hours, weekends, holidays. My previous pdoc was an extraordinary pdoc, and she had an after hours phone. I resolved I would not go to another pdoc who was unreachable after hours. When she retired, she luckily got me in w/ my current pdoc and skirted around his long waiting list. My current pdoc worked in the same clinic and the old one and continued much of the practices she had though he is much faster as he takes notes on his computer instead of handwriting them.

@LadyShadow
Your posts are so uplifting. Enjoy Galaxy Con!

As for me, I did pilates this morning instead of walking b/c it's raining again. I did a differnt pilates video than previously. It SAID it was beginner's pilates, but OMG, that had to border on INTERMEDIATE! I am pretty sure I will have sore arms and legs.

I have the kettle on boiling to make herbal tea this morning instead of coffee. I have to say, I almost gave in and made coffee b/c I love it so much, but I restraiened myself.

I see my pdoc this afternoon, and I hope it is a routine appt. with no med changes. I am going to ask him again for low dose Seroquel. He once prescribed it to me for anxiety and panic attacks. It is not as good as a benzo at helping but it does help some and at least it is NOT a benzo. We'll see. H is driving me today b/c my car is in the shop. I'm not sure if H wants to sit in on the appt. again or not; he probably will, but that's OK with me.

There are also hotlines you can call if you're not an imminent threat to yourself or others. I'm not sure if you have state/district specific hotlines (like NH has Rapid Response), but there's also 988 to call, text, or chat to on their website. If you don't like 988 and you can't talk on the phone for whatever reason, 741741 is a texting service that'll chat with you. I will say sometimes they take a while to set you up with someone and they definitely aren't a quick fix to anything going on in your mind, but it does sometimes help to just talk things out and spend some time avoiding any impulses that may come up.

Thank you so much @Nammu, @raspberrytorte, @Manarinorange and @Blueberrybook for your replies, it means a lot to me

Yeah I had allergic reactions to Vraylar and Rexulti so now I'm just on Prozac and Remeron for the depression - and Klonopin for the anxiety.

I'm thinking of asking my pdoc to try caplyta, but I see her in late August so it'll be a while (l saw her last week).

My T is away for 2 weeks, but I think I'll be airtight. I've only had 5 appointments with her so far anyway.

I get another break from taking care of my mother on Friday. I plan to go to the gym, which I have been skipping for the past several weeks.

Thanks everyone for reassuring me I don’t need to listen to the drama.

Sleep was weird. I woke up all though the night. Had a bizarre dream that this couple had been rejected to baptize their baby. So they put the baby in a room in a crib filled with oils, fragrance and herbs, for a year. Somehow I found out a year later and was all upset but they said it was fine. A year to the day they unlocked the door and the baby was bigger and covered with this slippery stuff. I had trouble picking it up. It slipped under the oil. But the dad used a gripper like those used to open jars with and picked up his baby. The whole town turned out, and welcomed the baby. Weird.

Had other dreams too but that was the one that stood out. Yet despite all the waking I’m strangely rested and for once my eyes don’t hurt. So all in all a good sleep.

No coffee this morning equals no morning jitteriness or hypomanic type symptoms, but I have one H*LL of a caffeine withdrawal headache and more morning fatigue especially considering I slept 9 hr. last night. At least I assume it's caffeine withdrawal. OMG, how long does this last?

Guys I'm really in it. My cycle is coming, and I know that's what is causing this intense anger that I feel. I am SO ANGRY! Omg, it's so horrible. I am literally hating everything and everyone right now. Things are going so well in my life, what the heck is going on?

I lashed out at everyone this morning, including my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve this, no one does. I wish I didn't come in to work today, and Galaxy Con is tomorrow, how am I going to handle this? So overwhelmed and beating myself up so much - I feel like I am screaming, and no one can hear me - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ugh, sorry guys.

@LadyShadow

Try throwing pillows or other unbreakable things. It always used to help me. I'm having my period right now too and am all emotional and shyt. 😭 😭 😭

@Blueberrybook

When my husband doesn't get his morning coffee he gets really pissy! I don't know how long caffeine withdrawal lasts. Can you slowly wean yourself off it? Like just have one cup?