Bipolar Check-in #81

I wouldn't want to be in that situation either. I think what you're doing is completely acceptable.

In my old apartment building, there was so much drama! I hated it. Some of the women would spread rumors about me. Be nice to my face then I would hear from their boyfriends what they said behind my back. They would try and be my boyfriend but I had one. I've lived in my new apartment for 12 years. I just keep to myself. I hate drama!

I'm really sorry about the mood fluctuations. Since my intense anxiety started I don't have any depression except mild in the winter. It used to be deep dark depressions in the winter before I got medicated. Good for you for helping your mom!

Well the charges on my son haven't been dropped. He has an arraignment in 2 weeks.

The guy that runs these homes told my son that if he has another occurrence like he had the other day he will probably not get them dismissed. But if he behaves and remains calm and doesnt drink tons of coffee they will go to bat for him and they will probably get dismissed. I so hope he doesn't freak out!

I went to meet my new Dr today. I really like her. I wanted my vitamin d tested and my b12 bc I keep getting anemia and the invega I'm on has completely taken my periods away. I guess my mom had low b12 and one of my sisters. It went good. I also wanted her to refer me to see if I can get injections in my back. I have degenerative disc disease. I had back surgery 14 years ago but I never fully recovered from that. I have bad knees too. Part of it is from sleeping sitting up and going back and forth from my bed laying down and coming out to the couch. The last 3 nights I fell asleep on the couch all night which is horrible for my wounds. I've got to go right to my bed after I eat dinner bc I get drowsy. Instead I eat even when I'm full. I've got to get out of the habit of that.

I had to take medical transportation bc I get really anxious driving to a new place. But I can do it next time.

I go to the wound clinic Friday. I'm looking forward to taking a shower tomorrow night. I hope this cast cover works. I've been through 4 so far that get my wraps wet.

@Nammu
I absolutely HATE drama. Do whatever you have to to not get in the middle of it. It only causes more stress.

@Scooter
I'm glad you had a break from taking care of your mom. That sort of care can be overwhelming and stressful. You need to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

@mararinorange
Yes, I LOVE that my pdoc has a cell phone for after hours, weekends, holidays. My previous pdoc was an extraordinary pdoc, and she had an after hours phone. I resolved I would not go to another pdoc who was unreachable after hours. When she retired, she luckily got me in w/ my current pdoc and skirted around his long waiting list. My current pdoc worked in the same clinic and the old one and continued much of the practices she had though he is much faster as he takes notes on his computer instead of handwriting them.

@LadyShadow
Your posts are so uplifting. Enjoy Galaxy Con!

As for me, I did pilates this morning instead of walking b/c it's raining again. I did a differnt pilates video than previously. It SAID it was beginner's pilates, but OMG, that had to border on INTERMEDIATE! I am pretty sure I will have sore arms and legs.

I have the kettle on boiling to make herbal tea this morning instead of coffee. I have to say, I almost gave in and made coffee b/c I love it so much, but I restraiened myself.

I see my pdoc this afternoon, and I hope it is a routine appt. with no med changes. I am going to ask him again for low dose Seroquel. He once prescribed it to me for anxiety and panic attacks. It is not as good as a benzo at helping but it does help some and at least it is NOT a benzo. We'll see. H is driving me today b/c my car is in the shop. I'm not sure if H wants to sit in on the appt. again or not; he probably will, but that's OK with me.

There are also hotlines you can call if you're not an imminent threat to yourself or others. I'm not sure if you have state/district specific hotlines (like NH has Rapid Response), but there's also 988 to call, text, or chat to on their website. If you don't like 988 and you can't talk on the phone for whatever reason, 741741 is a texting service that'll chat with you. I will say sometimes they take a while to set you up with someone and they definitely aren't a quick fix to anything going on in your mind, but it does sometimes help to just talk things out and spend some time avoiding any impulses that may come up.

Thank you so much @Nammu, @raspberrytorte, @Manarinorange and @Blueberrybook for your replies, it means a lot to me

Yeah I had allergic reactions to Vraylar and Rexulti so now I'm just on Prozac and Remeron for the depression - and Klonopin for the anxiety.

I'm thinking of asking my pdoc to try caplyta, but I see her in late August so it'll be a while (l saw her last week).

My T is away for 2 weeks, but I think I'll be airtight. I've only had 5 appointments with her so far anyway.

I get another break from taking care of my mother on Friday. I plan to go to the gym, which I have been skipping for the past several weeks.

Thanks everyone for reassuring me I don’t need to listen to the drama.

Sleep was weird. I woke up all though the night. Had a bizarre dream that this couple had been rejected to baptize their baby. So they put the baby in a room in a crib filled with oils, fragrance and herbs, for a year. Somehow I found out a year later and was all upset but they said it was fine. A year to the day they unlocked the door and the baby was bigger and covered with this slippery stuff. I had trouble picking it up. It slipped under the oil. But the dad used a gripper like those used to open jars with and picked up his baby. The whole town turned out, and welcomed the baby. Weird.

Had other dreams too but that was the one that stood out. Yet despite all the waking I’m strangely rested and for once my eyes don’t hurt. So all in all a good sleep.

No coffee this morning equals no morning jitteriness or hypomanic type symptoms, but I have one H*LL of a caffeine withdrawal headache and more morning fatigue especially considering I slept 9 hr. last night. At least I assume it's caffeine withdrawal. OMG, how long does this last?

Guys I'm really in it. My cycle is coming, and I know that's what is causing this intense anger that I feel. I am SO ANGRY! Omg, it's so horrible. I am literally hating everything and everyone right now. Things are going so well in my life, what the heck is going on?

I lashed out at everyone this morning, including my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve this, no one does. I wish I didn't come in to work today, and Galaxy Con is tomorrow, how am I going to handle this? So overwhelmed and beating myself up so much - I feel like I am screaming, and no one can hear me - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ugh, sorry guys.

@LadyShadow

Try throwing pillows or other unbreakable things. It always used to help me. I'm having my period right now too and am all emotional and shyt. 😭 😭 😭

@Blueberrybook

When my husband doesn't get his morning coffee he gets really pissy! I don't know how long caffeine withdrawal lasts. Can you slowly wean yourself off it? Like just have one cup?

@LadyShadow
So sorry you are having a difficult time. Do you think it is just due to your period or is it hypomania? I do know that as I've gotten older my PMS and beginning of period symptoms have gotten worse. Can you leave work early?

@raspberrytorte
Well, I caved and had a diet Coke. Not too jittery and the headache is gone but I also ate lunch too and that may have helped. Even just 1 cup of cup has been triggering jitteriness and hypomanic-like symptoms for me lately. It was not my morning meds causing it like I feared. I REALLY don't want to go off Cymbalta (which is an AM med) b/c it helps so much with my depressive symptoms and also with the tingling I get associated with neuropathy AND fibromyalgia symptoms so it's like a 3-in-1 pill for me.

I really don't understand why coffee is causing me issues now because I used to be able to drink like 4-5 cups of coffee a day without anything like anxiety and jitters. I did order some decaf K-cups. I know decaf coffee is not completely caffeine free but I looked it up and decaf coffee has 0-7 mg caffeine/cup whereas regular coffee has 70-140 mg/cup (and for the Starbucks Kcup that I use it's around 130 mg/cup so on the higher end). So decaf is a lot less caffeine in 1 jolt, and at least it kind of tastes like real coffee. Diet Coke has 46 mg caffeine a can.

B/c I had to order deodorant for daughter along with the K-cups, at least I'm getting same day delivery on Amazon Prime for spending $25 or more. I don't plan on having any decaf coffee today, but I'll try it out at breakfast tomorrow. Unless I'm really, really good and manage to stick to herbal tea!

I'm doing good today. I cleaned out my closet last night. I don't feel like being a walking billboard anymore so I got rid of all my stuff that had labels on it like North Face and Adidas. I did keep my Carhartt stuff and my Levis stuff. Most of the time I just wear a black T shirt, Levi or Hollister jeans, and Nike low dunks. I have this new denim Levis jacket I got for the fall. I'm just trying to simplify things. I gave everything to my sisters family and they all loved it. Now my closet is clean and it was a complete disastor before.

Something happened that knocked me out! I bought a half bottle of wine and drank half of that and ate popcorn while watching TV. (I do not have an alcohol problem. Just needed to calm down).

Tomorrow I have to drag myself into my routines again. I hope to 1) have breakfast, 2) fill the dishwasher, 3) go for my almost one-hour walk, 4) buy groceries.

Thank you to all for being here! It helps to know that I can come here when I need it.

@LadyShadow the Limp Bizkit song "Break Stuff" is on repeat in my mind when the cycle is cycling, so your post is incredibly relatable. Screaming into pillows and hiding in the middle of the woods is how I cope with that.

@Nammu, for sure don't feel like you're doing anything wrong for doing what you can to keep out of the drama. Hell, I feign ignorance too, but it's more so I get everyone's perspective without anyone adjusting their story based on what I know. Pretty interesting stuff!

Bo's hearing is shyt. He only responds if we yell his name or "boods?" loudly, and even then it's like his sense of direction of where the sound came from is off. I don't know what exactly happened but there was a trail of blood on the ground and I know it wasn't me, and it couldn't have been my mom because it was fresh and she had been out a while.

Struggling massively with alcohol cravings. I don't usually use the word "cravings" because I save that for the days I don't drink when in active addiction or when I'm stopping (again), but I'm using it right now.

I really wanted to go hiking tomorrow, but I have to drop stuff off at the Housing Authority so I can't really hit any trails until after I do that, and it's a stupid good weather just a little windy so anything exposed is probably not a good idea, and the trailheads for the hikes I'm considering will most definitely be filled by the time I get there. Seems like a good excuse to get wasted to me.

Not doing too great today. Having dissociation. And have been having panic attacks on and off tonight. Not really sure why. Trying to ground myself somehow.

Spiraling soooo badly right now. It seems like each evening is getting worse. I tried a 988 chat, but the gal just said to go to a meeting.

Although one thing I was told to work on is identifying some sensations I get when about to do something stupid, and I'm recognizing one of those right now is feeling like my body is a cage, but the insides are growing and pressure is rising.

eta: went outside and bawled my freaking eyes out. Tried reading, but I feel like I'm going to pass tf out. Glad I didn't try a meeting, probably would've left and not actually go there.

My new glasses arrived. Hooray for glasses!!!! I'm so happy. Don't let me jinxx myself. I just typed I am happy. What the actual?!?! They're for distance not reading but they're multifocal so I don't know why I'm having a hard time reading the screen right now on my computer. I have to position my head at a certain angle to be able to read the screen properly. It's so weird. And I think my left eye is weaker than my right eye because the lense seems stronger on the left hand side than the right hand one. So weird.

Depression is llifting but anxiety over classes still there but yeah I deal one day at a time.

Take care all and I'll pop by later on today.

Anger has subsided and made way for an awful headache! YAY ME!! LOL! Thanks guys for all your support. I couldn't run and scream into pillows or play music because I was at work and I felt like I was backed in a corner. But I did manage to push through and get through the day. I didn't upset too many people thank god.

I think you should use the "I can't hear you" excuse @Nammu - its the best way to stay out of drama.

I think you will be good on the decaf @Blueberrybook - maybe you just never paid attention to the jitters before because it was never noticeable while in an episode? I know for me I didn't notice a lot of my feelings at all because I was drunk all the time, so now they are all coming out!! LOL.

I am so sorry @MuddyBoots - I hate when people do the "war stories and glory days" at meetings, that doesn't really help anyone. Have you ever tried to get a sponsor? I know I can't give you a good frame of reference because I was literally FORCED into recovery - after jail for a year and rehab and sober living for two years, I figured I better not pick up again after all that sobriety. But my heart is with you as you're going through it, I know how it can be.

Yay for glasses @Crazy Hitch !! We rocking out together now!! So sorry @Blue_Bird , I am sorry you're feeling this right now. We are here for you.

Congratulations at organizing and cleaning your closet and making room @Mountaindewed - I know how important that is to have a clean space, my closet definitely needs some of that!!

So, after my tantrum this morning, I buried myself into work and calmed the eff down. I was just so aggravated at every little thing. I hope my period doesn't come right when I am at Galaxy Con tomorrow, ugh! I know it's on its way though, I feel the feelings. But on my way home I stopped by a comic book shop and got my badge for tomorrow yay!! I am so excited!! Going to bed early so I can get good parking and see Wil Wheaton speak at 11am!!

how do you know if youre depressed or if it just complicated grief? i took a death and grief class earlier this summer and ic ant tell a difference. I see T tomorrow. not really in the mood to talk

Muddy boots, it’s hard at first to deal with boredom and things being good, but if you give it time you’ll probably get to the point that you don’t want anything to interfere with that. Hard to believe but true for me.

Ooo shadow! Will Wheaton too! I used to hate him on Star Trek tng cause he was always saving the ship. But I loved him on Big Bang and his Frank way of addressing his mental health issues. His talk should be good. Have fun.

Today was rather boring. I sure don't do as well with down time as I used to. To get out of the house, I went to Starbucks so I could read there for a bit. I had to stop the book I was reading though-It was a fiction book where one of the main character's sons committed a major crime when he was not taking his meds for his schizophrenia disorder. I decided to stop reading because, if the book ends up not portraying mental illness in a realistic/non stigmatized way, I might lose it. So, on to the next book it is.

I had to fill out some online paperwork in preparation for a new patient dentist appointment tomorrow. One of the sections specifically asks the patient if they have bipolar disorder. I don't get why a dentist needs to know this specific diagnosis-meds, sure, but now I'm worried about unfair viewpoints people in the office might have of me once they see this diagnosis.

Man am I so out of shape. I was finishing organzing my closet tonight and it hurt so badly to bend down to pick up clothes from the laundry basket and then stand back up. Idk how to fix this... I mean I guess I do.

Sorry for those of you struggling right now

I had a good pdoc appt. H sat in so he could make observations regarding my mood and how I'm functioning generally. H still thinks I get hyper most mid-to-late afternoons....maybe the morning meds wear off? I don't usually drink coffee in the afternoon so coffee consumption probably wasn't affecting that, but I'm usually pretty bad about soda consumption, like 3 or 4 in a day though today I did better with just 1 Diet Coke and NO coffee all day. My decaf coffee got here, so I will give that a try in the morning.

SOO glad I'm settling down back to stability. Still have some impulse control issues like with overspending (which I am ALWAYS bad about while manic) and am working on getting that to settle down. Especially b/c my car is in the shop and OMG so many things are wrong, that the mechanic's quote to fix it is $950!

Well my first 2 classes went well. Everyone was well behaved. Gave students some vision and values awards from each class!

I've got my horrible class next. Just going to be prepared to document EVERYTHING. Sigh.

I have ahuge assingment due sunday at midnight an d i havent started it. i cant quieten my brain to focus and even typing here is difficult. i see t tomorrow. my vice president boss told me toda to take care of myself. i dont know how. i feel lousy and apathetic and unmoitvated and just plain DONE WITH EVERYTHING