Bipolar Check-in #81

@LadyShadow
So sorry you are having a difficult time. Do you think it is just due to your period or is it hypomania? I do know that as I've gotten older my PMS and beginning of period symptoms have gotten worse. Can you leave work early?

@raspberrytorte
Well, I caved and had a diet Coke. Not too jittery and the headache is gone but I also ate lunch too and that may have helped. Even just 1 cup of cup has been triggering jitteriness and hypomanic-like symptoms for me lately. It was not my morning meds causing it like I feared. I REALLY don't want to go off Cymbalta (which is an AM med) b/c it helps so much with my depressive symptoms and also with the tingling I get associated with neuropathy AND fibromyalgia symptoms so it's like a 3-in-1 pill for me.

I really don't understand why coffee is causing me issues now because I used to be able to drink like 4-5 cups of coffee a day without anything like anxiety and jitters. I did order some decaf K-cups. I know decaf coffee is not completely caffeine free but I looked it up and decaf coffee has 0-7 mg caffeine/cup whereas regular coffee has 70-140 mg/cup (and for the Starbucks Kcup that I use it's around 130 mg/cup so on the higher end). So decaf is a lot less caffeine in 1 jolt, and at least it kind of tastes like real coffee. Diet Coke has 46 mg caffeine a can.

B/c I had to order deodorant for daughter along with the K-cups, at least I'm getting same day delivery on Amazon Prime for spending $25 or more. I don't plan on having any decaf coffee today, but I'll try it out at breakfast tomorrow. Unless I'm really, really good and manage to stick to herbal tea!

I'm doing good today. I cleaned out my closet last night. I don't feel like being a walking billboard anymore so I got rid of all my stuff that had labels on it like North Face and Adidas. I did keep my Carhartt stuff and my Levis stuff. Most of the time I just wear a black T shirt, Levi or Hollister jeans, and Nike low dunks. I have this new denim Levis jacket I got for the fall. I'm just trying to simplify things. I gave everything to my sisters family and they all loved it. Now my closet is clean and it was a complete disastor before.

Something happened that knocked me out! I bought a half bottle of wine and drank half of that and ate popcorn while watching TV. (I do not have an alcohol problem. Just needed to calm down).

Tomorrow I have to drag myself into my routines again. I hope to 1) have breakfast, 2) fill the dishwasher, 3) go for my almost one-hour walk, 4) buy groceries.

Thank you to all for being here! It helps to know that I can come here when I need it.

@LadyShadow the Limp Bizkit song "Break Stuff" is on repeat in my mind when the cycle is cycling, so your post is incredibly relatable. Screaming into pillows and hiding in the middle of the woods is how I cope with that.

@Nammu, for sure don't feel like you're doing anything wrong for doing what you can to keep out of the drama. Hell, I feign ignorance too, but it's more so I get everyone's perspective without anyone adjusting their story based on what I know. Pretty interesting stuff!

Bo's hearing is shyt. He only responds if we yell his name or "boods?" loudly, and even then it's like his sense of direction of where the sound came from is off. I don't know what exactly happened but there was a trail of blood on the ground and I know it wasn't me, and it couldn't have been my mom because it was fresh and she had been out a while.

Struggling massively with alcohol cravings. I don't usually use the word "cravings" because I save that for the days I don't drink when in active addiction or when I'm stopping (again), but I'm using it right now.

I really wanted to go hiking tomorrow, but I have to drop stuff off at the Housing Authority so I can't really hit any trails until after I do that, and it's a stupid good weather just a little windy so anything exposed is probably not a good idea, and the trailheads for the hikes I'm considering will most definitely be filled by the time I get there. Seems like a good excuse to get wasted to me.

Not doing too great today. Having dissociation. And have been having panic attacks on and off tonight. Not really sure why. Trying to ground myself somehow.

Spiraling soooo badly right now. It seems like each evening is getting worse. I tried a 988 chat, but the gal just said to go to a meeting.

Although one thing I was told to work on is identifying some sensations I get when about to do something stupid, and I'm recognizing one of those right now is feeling like my body is a cage, but the insides are growing and pressure is rising.

eta: went outside and bawled my freaking eyes out. Tried reading, but I feel like I'm going to pass tf out. Glad I didn't try a meeting, probably would've left and not actually go there.

My new glasses arrived. Hooray for glasses!!!! I'm so happy. Don't let me jinxx myself. I just typed I am happy. What the actual?!?! They're for distance not reading but they're multifocal so I don't know why I'm having a hard time reading the screen right now on my computer. I have to position my head at a certain angle to be able to read the screen properly. It's so weird. And I think my left eye is weaker than my right eye because the lense seems stronger on the left hand side than the right hand one. So weird.

Depression is llifting but anxiety over classes still there but yeah I deal one day at a time.

Take care all and I'll pop by later on today.

Anger has subsided and made way for an awful headache! YAY ME!! LOL! Thanks guys for all your support. I couldn't run and scream into pillows or play music because I was at work and I felt like I was backed in a corner. But I did manage to push through and get through the day. I didn't upset too many people thank god.

I think you should use the "I can't hear you" excuse @Nammu - its the best way to stay out of drama.

I think you will be good on the decaf @Blueberrybook - maybe you just never paid attention to the jitters before because it was never noticeable while in an episode? I know for me I didn't notice a lot of my feelings at all because I was drunk all the time, so now they are all coming out!! LOL.

I am so sorry @MuddyBoots - I hate when people do the "war stories and glory days" at meetings, that doesn't really help anyone. Have you ever tried to get a sponsor? I know I can't give you a good frame of reference because I was literally FORCED into recovery - after jail for a year and rehab and sober living for two years, I figured I better not pick up again after all that sobriety. But my heart is with you as you're going through it, I know how it can be.

Yay for glasses @Crazy Hitch !! We rocking out together now!! So sorry @Blue_Bird , I am sorry you're feeling this right now. We are here for you.

Congratulations at organizing and cleaning your closet and making room @Mountaindewed - I know how important that is to have a clean space, my closet definitely needs some of that!!

So, after my tantrum this morning, I buried myself into work and calmed the eff down. I was just so aggravated at every little thing. I hope my period doesn't come right when I am at Galaxy Con tomorrow, ugh! I know it's on its way though, I feel the feelings. But on my way home I stopped by a comic book shop and got my badge for tomorrow yay!! I am so excited!! Going to bed early so I can get good parking and see Wil Wheaton speak at 11am!!

how do you know if youre depressed or if it just complicated grief? i took a death and grief class earlier this summer and ic ant tell a difference. I see T tomorrow. not really in the mood to talk

Muddy boots, it’s hard at first to deal with boredom and things being good, but if you give it time you’ll probably get to the point that you don’t want anything to interfere with that. Hard to believe but true for me.

Ooo shadow! Will Wheaton too! I used to hate him on Star Trek tng cause he was always saving the ship. But I loved him on Big Bang and his Frank way of addressing his mental health issues. His talk should be good. Have fun.

Today was rather boring. I sure don't do as well with down time as I used to. To get out of the house, I went to Starbucks so I could read there for a bit. I had to stop the book I was reading though-It was a fiction book where one of the main character's sons committed a major crime when he was not taking his meds for his schizophrenia disorder. I decided to stop reading because, if the book ends up not portraying mental illness in a realistic/non stigmatized way, I might lose it. So, on to the next book it is.

I had to fill out some online paperwork in preparation for a new patient dentist appointment tomorrow. One of the sections specifically asks the patient if they have bipolar disorder. I don't get why a dentist needs to know this specific diagnosis-meds, sure, but now I'm worried about unfair viewpoints people in the office might have of me once they see this diagnosis.

Man am I so out of shape. I was finishing organzing my closet tonight and it hurt so badly to bend down to pick up clothes from the laundry basket and then stand back up. Idk how to fix this... I mean I guess I do.

Sorry for those of you struggling right now

I had a good pdoc appt. H sat in so he could make observations regarding my mood and how I'm functioning generally. H still thinks I get hyper most mid-to-late afternoons....maybe the morning meds wear off? I don't usually drink coffee in the afternoon so coffee consumption probably wasn't affecting that, but I'm usually pretty bad about soda consumption, like 3 or 4 in a day though today I did better with just 1 Diet Coke and NO coffee all day. My decaf coffee got here, so I will give that a try in the morning.

SOO glad I'm settling down back to stability. Still have some impulse control issues like with overspending (which I am ALWAYS bad about while manic) and am working on getting that to settle down. Especially b/c my car is in the shop and OMG so many things are wrong, that the mechanic's quote to fix it is $950!

Well my first 2 classes went well. Everyone was well behaved. Gave students some vision and values awards from each class!

I've got my horrible class next. Just going to be prepared to document EVERYTHING. Sigh.

I have ahuge assingment due sunday at midnight an d i havent started it. i cant quieten my brain to focus and even typing here is difficult. i see t tomorrow. my vice president boss told me toda to take care of myself. i dont know how. i feel lousy and apathetic and unmoitvated and just plain DONE WITH EVERYTHING

Glad that you did not have coffee but sodas are terrible for your teeth.I m glad that you stuck to one.Have you ever heard of stevia? there is a soda on the market called zevia. stevia is a plant so it is all natural sweetener. no calories, it is the carbonation that is specifically bad on your teeth.
sorry I get off my soap box. I think it is great that your hubby went with you to your appointment.

We had so much fun at the farm today! 😁 Got to hold chickens and bunnies and pet goats and sheep and cats, and we got sprayed with mud by this ENORMOUS pig that was VERY obviously a male pig.... lol. Then Husband and I hung out for a few hours just the two of us and after that the three of us went to the park and were silly for a while. Got some great pictures from today!

Tmi, but I don't understand why my periods have gotten so much worse with age! Like they're so excruciatingly painful now they make me nauseous. 🤢 Luckily I have a bottle of unopened dramamine. When I was Daughter's age they weren't like this, and she's like the way I was at her age. And my mom is NO help. I tried talking to her about this to see if it happened to her too, and she just told me to talk to my doctor. Even MIDOL doesn't help all that much anymore!!! Wtf man!

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning. I hope I wake up in time. I got eight and a half hours of sleep last night. Yippie! That hasn't happened in forever! I'd set the alarm on my phone, but I sleep straight through alarms. I sleep like a rock. NOTHING wakes me up. It's quite amazing actually.

@bizi

I love stevia! Unfortunately I can't have too much of it though because I'm slightly sensitive to it and my eyes get all swollen.

@LadyShadow

I hope you have fun at the convention! I'm happy you're feeling better. 😊 I always try to take out my anger on inanimate objects and not at people, since actual people don't deserve it.

@Blueberrybook

I hope the decaf coffee works out for you!

@HALLIEBETH87

🫂 ❤️

Sitting at the breakfast table. It's raining outside. I don't want to get out for my one-hour walk, but I know I need to to keep my health OK, - to lay the ground for the Winter.

In this minute, I will push myself to dress for the weather and go. (I have promised myself to do so).