Bipolar Check-in #81

For the first time since I was diagnosed just under 3 years ago, I heard my pdoc say the glorious words "You're in remission." I'm so excited about this! I'm choosing to keep seeing him once a month since this is new found stability. It turns out I can get a free drink at Panera every two hours, so I celebrated by getting myself a second drink (I had already gotten one on my way to my pdoc appointment).

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation. I'm hoping to get some final tasks done. I also have a chiropractor appointment.

Side note: I'm so grateful to have you all to share this remission news with. Outside of my counselor, who I don't see for a couple of weeks, I don't have anyone in person I can share this with.

I had a nice day. I didn't play my video game today as i'm frustrated with it. I'll leave it for the moment. It makes me dizzy and disoriented anyways. I noticed that with fractal videos as well. It makes it hard to get to sleep, too. Not sure what the future holds for my new discovery. I might be too old to take up video games.

I had a nice conversation with a handsome blonde blue-eyed man who came into the dog park this evening, about homeowning. He's excited because he just sold for $300,000+. He was impressed that i am a solo woman approaching the end of my mortgage. He said congratulations! It was nice to hear.

I took a shower and i am just so very pleased with my hair, which continues to shape up. It sure makes me unhappy to have ugly hair. I've shaved my head several times in my life due to bipolar and despaired after, it's so hideous. Hopefully i have learned my lesson this time. Act in haste, repent in leisure.

I slept from 4:30 until almost 7 and I woke up feeling perfectly fine. So I am guessing it was the pepcid causing the anxiety mixed with being off schedule with my meds that was causing the bad fatigue.

I see my kidney doctor tommorow and then my therapist after. And I'll have to explain to her how I was having a med reaction and thats why I was freaking out on Sunday in my email. I hope she takes It well. So far I haven't had an issue.

Very long exhausting day. I even had a nap at 6pm which is not doing me any favors right now because its almost 11:30pm and I am still wide awake. No naps!

I wore a pretty purple dress today with my purple eyeshadow and felt really good. I also met with a new girl I am sponsoring who is very new in sobriety and very nervous - we had a very nice first meeting and gave her some homework to do that my sponsor had suggested I start with for her. I think it's beautiful what we do in AA - I wish we had some kind of sponsorship when dealing with mental illness, like kind of an accountability buddy to help us go through hard times maybe that's what we have here on this thread? Either way I love it here!

My irritability is getting worse. Spoke to my T today and we discussed why I am so unfulfilled and irritable. I have always believed I was never bipolar and that I am just a straight up alcoholic because all of this started years ago

Possible trigger:

when I was first given pills from a careless psychiatrist, and I drank with them sending me in a downward spiral that lasted close to 20 years.

And honestly, I think all of this irritability is coming from the fact that I can't drink anymore, because that's how I've been used to dealing with my feelings for years. Now I have to find another way to deal with all this emotion. So exhausting!

Anyway, wishing everyone a good night and wishing all of you a good day tomorrow. May Tuesday be good to us! How crazy is it that August 2024 is two days away???

If the Pepcid is a problem then you need to call your GI. Pepcid helps either reduce or neutralize stomach acid (I don't remember which) and that helps heal your ulcers. Zofran and dramamine only treat nausea. They will not do anything to get rid of the ulcers.

@June08

That's wonderful news! 😊

@BeyondtheRainbow

After Daughter was born my ob/gyn at the time tried me on numerous different kinds of hormonal birth control and ALL OF THEM (ALL OF THEM!) turned me into a raging, PMSing bytch the entire month and killed my sex drive and I don't want that. After the oral pills were obviously NOT working out she recommended the Mirena IUD, and I was open to it, UNTIL she told me it had some hormones in it, and then I was like, "HELL NO, LADY!" Lol.

This CAN'T be normal though. I mean, the pain, the nausea... it's far worse than it ever used to be. It used to last three days tops, was light, a few cramps but not that big of a deal. I'm actually thinking about seeing my doctor about it. I have to see her in August anyway though for a physical. I'll bring it up.

I'm also hypersexual again.... but don't worry. I won't post anything about it. I'm not hypo or anything. Today we were talking about the new Wolverine Deadpool movie and the only reason why I want to go to it with Husband is because I think Hugh Jackman is hot 🥵, and I was looking at pics of him online and like, "Mmmm, Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman! HUGH JACKMAN!!!" And Daughter said, "I think Momma's hormones are going wild." Lol.

(Don't worry. Husband doesn't care. I'm bi. We check out hot women together and I don't care if he finds other women attractive lol)

I had a good day. I had put my son on block bc his new thing that he had to have were dress clothes for his arraignment. I have like $50 to my name. He's saying get them when you get your money. I'm not doing it. He has some polo shirts he can wear and idt the judge is going to mind him in sweats.

My friend came by and I found the pads with medicine in them specifically for wounds. So she helped bandage it up. But you have to use saline solution to take it off in case it sticks to the wound and I can't find any. The wound clinic hasn't called me back yet about getting in. I'm sure they will tomorrow.

I also got groceries and my friend helped me bring them up. Her and I also made burritos and I'll have that to eat on for awhile. I'm trying to lose weight so I got a lot of fruit, chicken breast's and frozen steamable vegetables with carrots, broccoli and caulaflower (I know I spelled that wrong). She's a good friend.

@June08
Remission is wonderful news! That is awesome! Man, I wish I could do the free drinks at Panera, but Panera is a bit of a drive and the parking situation there is CRAZY! I'm a timid driver, so I really don't like this. Though I guess I could park far away. But then I also have the tempation of both Super Target, Barnes & Noble & Old Navy nearby, along with a discount store, but so is Goodwill, and I've been lucky in the past finding clothes at Goodwill. However, I don't really NEED to get more clothes, go to Target (groceries tend to be more expensive there anyway), or get more books when I have a great library system, connected to all the libraries in the Houston area, so I generally can request any book I want to read there.

@raspberrytorte
I think it is common for periods to get heavier as you get older. Mine are pretty light but last FOREVER, like 9 days, and I spot nearly a week beforehand and a couple days at the end. Ugh! I am due to see the gynecologist but keep putting it off even though I like him, he's the one who delivered my daughter, and now he is extremely highly rated. It is probably a good idea to get that situation checked out though. I'm not on birth control pills, but I have the copper IUD since it is not hormonal. I haven't had any problems with it. Some women say it makes their periods heavier, but that wasn't the case with me.

@Manarinorange
Sorry about the situation with your son. That sounds stressful.

I didn't get good sleep last night. Like about 4 hr. I think as a result I'm a bit manicky this morning. I think I didn't have my Seroquel in my pillbox for last night b/c I woke up with night sweats and that generally happens if I decrease my Seroquel or forget it. Going to check my night med pillbox to be sure I put the Seroquel in for this week.

I left to do my 10K runner (knockoff couch to 10K) this morning 15-20 min. before sunrise. Shouldn't have done that. I then walked home and took a longer route and probably shouldn't have done that either. I am highstrung and have not had any coffee yet, decaf or regular. I think it's the perfect storm of somewhat manicky, ED and OCD. REALLY need to get over that ED crap.

Going to try to nap this afternoon or at least take a rest period of at least an hour.

Hope everyone has a great day!

@Blueberrybook

Yeah. I was actually seriously considering the copper IUD (I can't remember the name of it unfortunately) back then, or those coil things they put in your fallopian tubes (can't remember the name of that either) but in the end I chickened out. Figure I'm too old now to get pregnant anyway and Daughter was such a huge surprise. 😮 Like a one in a million trillion chance that I don't think it'll happen again. Was trying to get Husband to get a vasectomy, but he chickened out on that too. Last time we had an "accident" I just took the morning after pill, which turned into a complete disaster. 😳 But having another baby would have been more of a disaster so it was worth it in the end. I just can't handle stuff that messes with my hormones! Makes me go loco!

My sleep sucked last night too. Sucks about your night sweats. When I don't take seroquel before bed I just wake up shaky and anxious and end up taking 50mg and feeling better.

Okay, okay.
You can stop spying on me! You know I'm talking about YOU! I know you set up cameras and are watching all my computer and phone activities (tell me which playlist you like best). Don't bother asking anymore questions because I KNOW you already know the answers!
(Not directed to members, don't worry guys. This person knows who she is and she just watches EVERY SINGLE MOVE I TAKE AND CAN FCCK OFF!)

@raspberrytorte
I'm keeping the copper IUD until menopause even if at some point I have to get a new one. I asked my mom when she went into menopause & she doesn't know! She kept having bleeding all the time and didn't see a gyn until she went in a couple years ago (at 63), and it turned out to be endometrial cancer in stage 3! She had to have a hysteretomy and then chemo and radiation and still has the chemo port which they told her she has to keep for 2 yr. until they are sure the cancer doesn't return, and every few months she still has to go in and get the port flushed not to mention she has frequent checkups with various doctors to make sure the cancer doesn't return. And she has a spot on one of her kidneys they keep monitoring which is slowly growing but not big enough for the doctor to do anything about it, but it worries me and I wish the doctor would just take care of it. All of which makes me vigilant about scheduling regular yearly checkups with my gyn even though I've never had a suspicious pap smear.

However, I'm keeping the IUD b/c there is NO way I want to chance a pregnancy at this age! I don't think I would get pregnant; I had a copper IUD after my daughter was born & had it removed when she was about 4 yr. old and H and I tried to conceive & it didn't happen, but then I hit 38 or 39 and decided I didn't want to chance it b/c birth defects & miscarriages start to go up with age.

And I had a neighbor that had a surprise OOPS! when she was 50. Luckily, her daughter was born fine, but she had a hard pregnancy.

Not to mention I live in Texas, which has probably the worst anti-abortion laws in the nation; if I got pregnant, I'd have to go out of state for an abortion. Not to discuss the politics of abortion. Sorry about that. I'm somewhat keyed up this AM.

All of this talk about periods & such did make me call my gyn & schedule an appt. next month for my yearly exam. I did already have my mammogram this year & it was normal except I have dense breast tissue, which I already knew.

@MuddyBoots
Sorry you're going thru that.Is this mania or something real? Sorry to ask that. I just am concerned about you since you've been having a hard time lately.

I don't really know if it's mania or not. If it is, it's the mixed/dysphoric type because I sure as heell don't have that euphoria. I am CONVINCED every car that goes by is the person that previous post was geared towards or a cop. I cancelled with T this week. I don't think I'm going back.

@MuddyBoots
I HATE mixed! Ugh, that is the WORST of both worlds!

Why did you cancel with your T? Sounds like you really could use a T this week. Take care of yourself.

Well yay, I slept last night. Weird dreams that weren’t scary while dreaming but in the light of day would make a good horror film.

Blueberry I’m a timid driver too. I’m always imagining other cars banging into me. The interstate splits my town in half. They are working on three of the bridges so it’s a construction nightmare. I know back when I lived in Austin, TX there’s was always endless construction too. But all my accidents happened on the freeways. But still I’m afraid. Now with the rental I’m afraid to drive it. It’s brand new! Has soooooooo many buttons and gadgets. I called my daughter and canceled our weekly get together cause, nope, I’m not driving this car on the interstate.

Boots. I know it might seem logical to cancel T, but really you need her now. Mixed is the worse. Sending purple sparkling vibes your way.

Orange, sounds like blocking him is the right thing to do.

I cancelled because it's pointless. Why would I need her? What is she going to do? Best case scenario, I say nothing (or nothing that goes anywhere), and the appointment is 10 minutes. More likely scenario, someone is breathing in the lobby and I freak the fcck out and never even see her.

And I know exactly WHO is reading this post and knkows who I am and is going to fcck with my head! ALREADY THERE!!

@MuddyBoots
Is your appointment with your T only 10 minutes? I thought they are usually 50 minutes? At any rate you sound like you could use someone to talk to? Is there anyone you can call? Or a helpline or something?

OMG, I am SO talkative! I am driving my family nuts! Make it stop! Geez, is all this just from possibly missing only ONE night of Seroquel (300 mg)?!

I am not at all hungry with and it’s lunchtime. I usually have a good appetite.

I'm not doing too good physically today. I had a kidney doctor appointment and I got sick before he came in and luckily the nurse had a bag I could use. When the doctor came in he seemed a bit freaked out and was basically like "your kidney levels are stable. Please leave."

Then I had therapy an hour later and I had to use her garbage can. She was really cool about it but we didn't get much accomplished and I ended early.

I think it was the Chipotles I ate last night because things were getting a lot better and I think this happened the last time I ate Chipotles.

But yeah, this is why I can't travel. I'm getting some of my regular name brand chewable pepcid. Not some off brand stuff.

It is supposed to be 45ish minutes, but I know I will go in there, not say a damn word, and then walk out in that time frame. I don't want to talk to anyone. They ask, and they ask, and they ask stupid fccking questions that could be interpreted in a million ways and there's the "right" answer and the "wrong" answers, but everything feels like a "wrong" answer because the "right" answer is deceiving or a straight up lie. And then it's "what can we do to help you?" I don't fccking know!!!! I don't even know what "help" is right now! There is the "we can piss you off until you realize you're on your own and we'll just make things worse" option, and there's the ...yeah, I really don't know any other option.

Muddy, I get you. That is about how all my therapy sessions went, never clicked with a T and finally figured it just was not worth wasting the copay for me.

But I know therapy does help a lot of people, just not me so much. Still, it does seem like you need to talk to SOMEONE. Are you still dealing with alcohol cravings and SI?

Essure! That’s the name of the coils. I have them.