Bipolar Check-in #81

I'm going regularly now. It was mainly last night that was an issue.

My life is so boring and has no meaning. I need to figure something out but I don't know what. Theres nothing I want to do. Nothing I need to do besides get this heath stuff under control. Most of the time I'm just a living sack of bones.

I'm really bored and frustrated today. I've tried just sleeping but I only got in an hour nap during the morning and an hour or so nap during the afternoon. My stomach is off and on but I feel mostly ok. I'm not in the medical crisis I was in before. I'm guessing its from switching back to the pantropaloze. I feel just blah. I need to do something with my life.

I've really been enjoying my time lately with Daughter. 😊 I feel like we're getting closer the older she gets and that we're bonding more. When she was little she was all about Daddy and now she's all about Momma. Even Husband commented on it. I think it's because she's entering her teenage years so she can relate more with me or something. I wasn't fond of the baby, toddler, or little girl years, but love it now that she's getting older, is more self-sufficient and we can have more adult conversations. It's great! Things are also going great with Husband of course. 😉

Daughter turns 13 in October and is starting 7th grade and middle school in the fall. It makes me feel all emotional thinking about how she's no longer going to be in elementary school. I'm happy Husbsnd has off of work that day because I'm probably going to start bawling after we drop her off!

I've gotten serious about quitting vaping. Haven't actually bought an ecig in going on, let me think, it has to be at least two and a half weeks. It hasn't gotten too horrible yet because I had a huge stash of ecigs that still had a bit of vape left in them, but I'm down to my last two, so things are going to be getting dicey shortly. I just keep on reminding myself of the REWARDS. Saving up for tattoos, buying merch, etc. I'll be money bags!

I am so happy you are having bonding time with your daughter. I had difficulty with the baby and toddler years too, but enjoyed it a lot more when I could start having more adult conversations with my daughter. And in the teenage years, there are a lot of things girls just feel more comfortable talking about with another female.

My daughter is going into 11th grade this year! She'll be graduating soon. I don't know how I'll handle it when that time comes I remember thinking when daughter was a few months old that I didn't know how in the world I would make it taking care of her for 18 years, it seemed such a long time, but it's really just over in a flash especially once a child starts school.

It's fantastic to hear that you've gotten serious about quitting vaping. That is great for your health. I think it's awesome you have given yourself the added incentive of rewarding yourself for not vaping.

Things have been progressing today well workwise - still on the fence about scheduling interviews for Thursday because I am still tracking this hurricane. I don't want to schedule interviews for then if this storm hits because who the heck is going to show up? And I sure as heck am not driving an hour in it either!

My doctor called and is increasing my thyroid medicine twice this month. She is sending two weeks' worth of one dose and increasing the other two weeks, then in four weeks I am going in for another blood test. I told her the scale is just NOT moving and she says she expected that and not to be discouraged, things should improve once my thyroid levels even out. I guess it's been so frustrating and hopeless and I've just beating myself up so much about it.

I wish I had a daughter like you ladies, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for me. My boyfriend has a 15-year-old daughter, so it will be interesting in how I would relate to her or if she would even like me. So proud of you @raspberrytorte for giving up the vaping - it's a miracle I never picked up smoking, I know how addicting it can be.

Love the pics blue 🐦. The first one reminds me of Sir though it’s totally the wrong color. It’s the eyes. Such a sweetheart.

So I went to the pdoc. I told him my month was hell but it's getting better being home. He wants to wait a month to change my meds. I didn't tell him I have sh thoughts because they're getting better. I still feel confused. If things don't improve we will change my AP. I'm not happy about that but I can't keep going down hill. I realized I was sick before 13. Which makes me look back on my life with grace. H says no matter how nice my parents were it doesn't stop the programming from years ago. I'm trying to let go. My parents have grown into great people but years of being not so great took a toll on me. I never want Victoria to feel like I felt this past month.

I'm still waiting to hear exactly what my car all needs done. Bare minimum, it's looking like a new battery and a new water pump. The mechanic said he'll call me in the morning with specific numbers/what my car needs exactly.

For some reason, one of my coworkers brought in two labradoodles today! They were super friendly and adorable. They randomly came into my classroom at one point to say hi and look around.

I'm grateful my bipolar symptoms haven't been acting up with the stress of my car not starting and not hearing from my PCP doctor even though I sent two messages in the last week and a half (I'll have to call her office tomorrow). Hopefully, things will continue to remain stable when I learn how much the car repairs will be.

I'm just a little less than okay. Mood is okay. Anxiety is not okay.

Went and got my nails done this weekend. It's like a bright pink or something.

Self care is important. Managed to straighten my hair properly this weekend (I usually do a rush job) and to my suprise it is still straight today. Small win.

Had to fetch my son early from school yesterday because he was sick. Meant I missed one of my not so nice classes. So there's that. I started the day off with my worst class this morning. Always good to get it out the way. Staff meeting tonight until 4:30. About our whole school improvement instructional model. Hopefully it's bite sized bits of information. I don't want brain overload on our first staff meeting for the term.

im feeling less apathetic and more motivated to do my job and school. im working on my practicum orientation lately. its alot. i get 16 hours of prac. time for it though so thats nice.

Tomorrow is my last therapy session with my therapist for 7 weeks. I keep telling myself it's not that long, I'll be fine with the sub therapist and if I don't like her I can change to someone else or power through on my own with my pdoc's support via email. It will be the end of Sept/early October when he's back. That's something to look forward to, this hot, hot summer will be starting to wind down and fall will be on its' way.


I'm just scared how the session will go. I don't know how to say goodbye for so long.

7 weeks....just 7 weeks.

I feel blah still. I didn't get out of bed all day. I have therapy at 10 tommorow. Its just gonna be the same "you haven't been feeling good so you haven't been able to do much." But I mean, I'm still depressed. Idk if the increase in lamictal should be working or not. Its been a week. My dreams have been crazy which I know is a side effect. Again, I just feel like I'm existing not living.

Maybe I should just really push myself to get out of the house for a bit. Pushing myself hasn't been working lately, but maybe I should just try harder

Losing a day of work on Thursday because I won't drive into Raleigh because of the weather forecasts on Hurricane Debby. Going to try and work from home for the next three days to make up for it, (hopefully I won't lose power through this, I would be really scared). Just nervous, anxious - I have always loved living alone and having my independence, but when storms like this come, I get very scared and nervous. I know my neighbors, but I don't know how confident I am knocking on one of their doors if I am really scared, I just don't know.

Just praying and staying calm. Maybe I should drive to my parent's house Wednesday night, I just don't know - or maybe just brave it myself. I don't like dealing with these kinds of feelings, in the past, right now would have been a good opportunity to spend the night drinking. I am scared.

I think driving to your parents house is a good idea. Then you have a chance to put new coping mechanisms into place.

That's a good idea.

I've had a good day. My wound is gone again and I think I've figured out why my wounds were coming back. I quit using tubi grips. They're these tight tube stocking you put on underneath your velcro wraps.

They help me more than the velcro wraps. They are tighter. It's hard to get the velcro compression wraps from falling so you're constantly having to re grape them. So I'm going to moisturize the crap out of where my wound was, it itches like crazy! And wear tubi grips. You also can't dry them, which is sort of a pain.

Haven't heard from my son today. I hope he's doing well.

I'm going to talk about food. So trigger warning.

@Mountaindewed:

Sorry to hear you're feeling at loose ends. I struggle with that too. Not having a career is tough. I found some solace in competitive Scrabble and being active with my support group, but it's still always bothered me. I guess people also find meaning in having families of their own, tho i never wanted that for myself.

It's gotten easier as i've gotten older. I'll be 58 this month. Even if i was able to work, i might have retired by now. Some people find meaning in volunteering but i've tried eight assignments and only one worked out and that was in a different city.

I'm bored and frustrated too. I like so few things i find myself repeating them over and over. I've watched (listened to while dozing) "Ozark" about ten times. The same with comedy specials. I reread old favorite books.

Just wanted to chime in and let you know you're not alone. Hopefully you'll be more successful than me in finding meaning and purpose in life. Best of luck!

It’s after3:30 am and I can’t stop thinking about my therapy session from last afternoon. I left there totally confused and angry- none of which I told my new T even after she asked if there was anything I didn’t like about our session. The stuff we talked about is very serious! And if I’m an adult child of an alcoholic and not bp … nearly 20 yeas of meds and side effects. What’s my Pdoc goin to say? I have bipolar symptoms! Have for almost my whole life except childhood. I couldn’t even be off bp meds for a month without symptoms coming flooding back!

7 weeks vape free but still addicted to the nicotine gum.

@JaneOnceMore thanks for your reply. I'm hoping things get easier as time goes on. I can't feel like this forever especially since a lot of what I'm feeling is because of physical health. Like, some doctor somewhere has to figure something out.

@Crazy Hitch
That is awesome! Great job

We had severe thunderstorms with a tornado warning last night. Oo, it was weird. The clouds came barreling in and the sky turned green. Fortunately I didn’t lose the cable as the tv was the only thing telling me the conditions. My old phone buzzed a loud warning. This one, nothing until this morning!

Today I’ll be going to my daughter’s house. Then tomorrow I go to Rochester to get updates on my car. Thursday I’m going with a friend shopping for the day. The week’s weather is super nice. Low to mid 70’s.

@Nammu
I'm jealous of your weather! Here it's 95 today and creeping up each day to a high of 99 on Saturday. The humidity is terrible.

I'm still feeling level today. Not too high, not too low. I went for a walk/jog this morning and after breakfast went to get gas. Since I gased up at the grocery store, I went inside to get my groceries. I rarely do that, mostly have them delivered but figured I'd save on the delivery fee & the driver tip. They had some good deals on fruit, which is nice b/c I always serve fresh fruit with our meals as a kind of "sweet" or dessert. I was getting tired of just having apples & oranges.

Today should be pretty low key. I'm reading a lot now, and I've been watching Bosch: Legacy on Amazon, but it's not as good as the regular Bosch was, so I might switch back to NCIS or CSI. I see the pdoc tomorrow.

Ugh, sometimes I feel stability is so boring, but on the other hand, as a family unit we just function better, so in that respect it's a good thing. And I can read again which also is nice.

Yeah the weather is super nice for this time of the year. It is usually hot and humid

Stability is boring but after you get used to it you want to keep it. At least I do. I’m very afraid to tip the scales. I lose so much when I swing to either side. I’m afraid the people here wouldn’t understand. Some of them might but it would change things. So I hold on to boring old stability with both hands.