Bipolar Check-in #81

I need to start doing it again.
I see Pdoc next week.

My shoulder feels a lot better. I put a bunch of stuff in the fridge and maybe I just needed to work it out. But I feel pretty good today. I got a nice unexpected refund from my endoscopy that will pay another GI bill and also cover therapy on Thursday and leave me a bit for some groceries or something.

My nausea and anxiety are fine and I haven't taken any naps today. Idk what was up with yesterday.

I deactivated facebook because all I was doing on it was looking up people. I rarely posted after my health stuff started and I only posted random memes. Nothing personal.

Idk about people in highschool but

Went to dr. Urine results are fine! All those portal abnormal flags are from contamination I guess. The culture shows yeast only. Group b strep is present but at normal levels. Called in a cream for external burning and itching- I have a tube already that I got on Saturday and it’s helped a lot! Other is a kit for the inside. Internal exam showed that things are getting better since Saturday.

@Crazy Hitch:

Did something happen? Or is it just that you are still finding your job unbearable? Is going on disability benefits an option? I've been on them for 30 years. It's really helped me manage my bipolar a lot, as i have treatment-resistant bipolar, and must still cope with the mood-swings, tho meds help about 50%.

Living on disability benefits is not without it's drawbacks, tho. For example, i'm really bored, and i find my life purposeless. It wasn't even a question for me tho, i was so deteriorated, and barely functioning. I was so depressed i couldn't eat or sleep and was losing ten pounds a month and finding tying my shoes a challenge.

It's a personal matter tho, and i realize we must all make the best decision for ourselves on an individual basis. I hope you're feeling better for having your two days off that your GP wrote you and that you don't mind my raising the question of disability benefits.

Of course, i'm just speaking from my own lived experience, which is what we are directed to do in my ZOOM support group. This guideline makes a lot of sense to me.

@JaneOnceMore

It’s totally my job. I don’t know if I’ll qualify for disability benefits because I work even though it’s killing me. I know when I go back to work tomorrow it will be the same students pushing each other off chairs and throwing chairs at each other. They’re quite physical.

@Crazy Hitch:

I'm so sorry to hear that. Perhaps a little relatable humor will help:

"What do you call a teacher without students? Happy!"

I hate intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to take my Valium equivalent because I have to drive to see my pdoc and I don’t want to be numb. Semi crying here and I have to take my son to school in 10 minutes. Haven’t showered since Sunday. Just can’t. Might take a bath after I get back from pdoc. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy.

@JaneOnceMore thanks for the joke. It made me lol

I did it! I facilitated the bingo game! It was anxiety inducing, almost panic inducing cause I have severe social anxiety but I did it!! So proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and challenging myself. I feel really good now!

I'm resuming violin lessons in September with my violin teacher, my next lesson is on September 9th. I'm excited about that. I had to take a few months off lessons because of financial reasons but now I can start taking lessons consistently again. My violin teacher is awesome. She's in a band and performs all over.

I'm doing well in terms of my schizoaffective/bipolar. My mood is stable. I'm doing well on my meds. And on september 12th I start EMDR therapy with my therapist for my trauma history. Don't know what to expect really but hopefully it goes well. I see my psychiatrist on the 13th. Will be good to report back since I haven't seen him in a few months. I am doing well on the med changes. I'm now on 30mg of abilify, 100mg of zoloft, 1500 mg trileptal, and 100mg thorazine. And this combo seems to be working really well for me, better than anythings worked for me for a long time. I haven't been getting manic, or depressed since being on the increased abilify and decreased zoloft. My mood is level, it's really good, not over the top. I haven't been having psychosis. Still have some paranoia occasionally but it's nowhere near as severe. I have motivation, I've been exercising and doing things like cleaning my apartment and doing hobbies and whatnot. Sticking to a strict routine with my meds. I quit smoking weed /taking thc edibles which I know he is glad about. I am too. It was really destabilizing me and messing up my progress. My focus is better, I read 40 books so far this year. I stopped impulsively spending tons of money.

Just in general I feel really well and excited about the future cause I feel like I'm gonna keep pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone and do more things around town and in the community. I feel very optimistic

@Crazy Hitch

I worked at my stressful job until it, literally, broke me and I had the worst manic episode of my life, did the unthinkable, temporarily ruined my life completely and lost, well, everything. I was there for eleven years and managed to get on SSDI. So it was obvious I COULD keep a job, but I got it anyway. Your job sounds like it really sucks. No offense. If I was you I'd throw a chair at one of the students. How old are these kids?! What's their problem?! We never shoved each other or threw chairs when I was in school, at any age, even middle school when we were all a bunch of little shyts. I don't get it. Can you contact their parents? (Not that that would do much I guess.)

Anyway, 🫂 ❤️

I was really disappointed with temporary therapist today. I went in with severe anxiety and she didn't help much. She spent a lot of the session asking questions she asked last week. I am still very anxious and did not sleep well last night either. I don't see her for 3 weeks now. She's on vacation and then a scheduling glitch caused a missed week. I can call and get an appointment if I need to for the 2nd week but I'm not sure if there is a point. I so wish I'd tried harder to get in with my therapist's first choice sub. But I didn't and so I just have to make it through. 5 more weeks. Only one more session with temporary therapist unless something changes.


I don't know if I didn't follow her if she tried to help with the anxiety or if she knows my therapist helps by distracting me sometimes or what but this just didn't help.

I am going to contact my pdoc. I was supposed to every few weeks anyway while I don't have my therapist plus she said she'd be there for support if needed. And I think I may need some kind of med adjustment although I'm not sure. I feel somewhat depressed but I'm also tired from not sleeping well. I hope she's got a good idea.

So frustrated.......

@raspberrytorte you’re a gem and thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear about your story at work. I’m glad you got SSI. I’m not sure I qualify. We’re new to mortgage and need my income. I’m not sure what’s wrong with the kids at my school and why they behave the way they do. Yes, they are shyts. Complete arses actually, for lack of a better word.

Leaving in 10 minutes to see my pdoc. Have to tell him how depressed I really am and hate talking about it.

Waiting outside my pdoc. Traffic was kind to me. Got here 50 minutes early. Worried if I tell him how I REALLY feel he’ll suggest hospital. No thanks there’s no one to look after my 5 year old son. My partner leaves for work at 5:00am and gets back at 6:30pm.

Wind is positively howling. Was intense driving on the freeway blowing back and forth.

I hope it goes well @Crazy Hitch

Thanks @BeyondtheRainbow! You’re so kind 😊

Just want to say what an inspiration you are to me @Blue_Bird

I hope all goes well today @Crazy Hitch

An amazing, productive day. Just feeling really good and thankful for all that I have. Joined Meetup.com today and got together with this Star Trek group that I met at GalaxyCon last month. Signed up for some events in September, should be fun. Going to try and see Alien: Romulus with them too. FUN FUN FUN!!

Oo shadow how fun! I belonged to a Star Trek group when I lived in the twin cities. It was a great group of people.

I think my highlight of the day was my chiropractor appointment. School was pretty good too. Just one discipline issue between two students who have already had issues once this school year (we're only 3 weeks into the year). It sounds like they know each other well and are constantly bothering each other.

I had some depression and anxiety symptoms today. As much as I try to avoid bringing work home, it happens as a teacher, so I did some grading this evening to help me feel less overwhelmed. Now, I'm going to read for a little bit before heading to bed.

Tomorrow will be busy. I have to cover for a coworker's class and have after school detention coverage. Fingers crossed no student gets a detention so I don't have to stay!

I took my dog out and she ran and ran, she's doing so well for an eleven-year-old dog, and i took a shower, so it's been a relatively good day. I'm having a nice evening. I've lit seven tea candles, one for each member of my family. They are all burning brightly. I used to do this often but i stopped when my sister died two years ago at this time of year. Guess i am finally healed from that! I'm listening to mood music, Dan Gibson's "Solitudes."

When i talk about my depression i always hear the same thing: "Ma'am, this is a Wendy's drive-thru!"

@Blue_Bird:

Glad going out of your comfort zone with calling the bingo went well and that you're optimistic about the future.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

Sorry to hear your meeting with your temporary therapist was a disappointment.

@LadyShadow:

Glad to hear things are going well and that you've made contact with a meetup group that shares your interests and are looking forward to a fun event with them.

@Crazy Hitch:

Congratulations on making it to your appointment despite bad weather. It's so hard to get anything done while not feeling well. Hope it goes well.

Pdoc has put me on lithium and Effexor. I’ll continue with Abilify. Love my pdoc. If this doesn’t work he wants me to go for ect in hospital! Let’s hope lithium works its magic.

Thanks @LadyShadow. Just at my gp for an appointment now. Read above regarding psychiatrist and med changes. Holding thumbs this does the trick.

Thank you @LadyShadow that means a lot to me

Thanks @JaneOnceMore ! The candles sound nice and peaceful. I’m glad you had a good walk with your dog

Sorry you’re struggling :sadhug; I hope your pdoc is able to help. I know how disappointing it can be going into a therapy appointment struggling and it not helping

Good luck with the new meds! Hope all goes well

Glad your chiropractor appointment went well and that school went well too! Reading before bed is always nice and relaxing. That’s what I did too last night. Good for you for taking care of yourself