Bipolar Check-in #82

I had a nightmare last night about some medical trauma that happened in my past. Probably from talking about it in therapy yesterday

Our little guest is going home this weekend. We only got to take him to the children's museum and tomorrow the zoo. His books haven't even come in yet. I thought we had longer. I wanted to give him the gift of reading. He's "behind" and active so I worry they are going to hold him back or try to medicate him when he starts k. Neither I think he needs. Hopefully we got him on a schedule and all the things they need for success. It's going to be hard as they're working 2 full time jobs, and school and kids.

My sleep is really off. Didn’t fall asleep until after 4 am. Woke up at 8 but that wasn’t enough sleep. Fell back to sleep until 11. Still all discombobulated need to get dressed and eat as I have a dentist appointment an hour away. My dreams were reality based. I was in charge of a preschool and mental health drop in. We helped people access mental healthcare, and watched 3-6 yr olds.

Take care everyone. Blue bird so glad you got out!

Well my GI office was like come in now and my doctor was like "yeahhh that isn't normal." So now I have an endoscopy scheceduled for 7AM tommorow. He wants to do it himself. The last time another doctor did it. He says things shouldn't be this bad still. And the vomiting up whole food is not good.

I'm just kinda numb right now.

OMG, the news helicopters hovering over this pipeline fire still burning are driving me CRAZY! You can hear them from every room of my house! Then once this fire is out and it cools down a little, they are going to re-ignite the area to burn off the remaining gas, so the helicopters probably aren't going much of anywhere today unless some bigger news happens in Houston or maybe off to the freeways if they decide to hover over them to give a traffic report during rush hour. Today the noise is setting my nerves on edge.

I have medic helicopters that fly by here to and from the hospital next door. They are loud. But at least mine don’t hover. They just go to and fro. I can’t imagine the hovering. Good luck.

I’m late already ready to take off in 5 minutes.

I just realized that my having a period must mean that my prolactin has come way down.

@Blue_Bird:

Yay for Blue_Bird! That looks delicious! Way to go!

@Blueberrybook:

So sorry to hear of your gramma's illness. You've mentioned her here before, it's easy to see she was a big part of your childhood. Sending good thoughts.

@Moose72:

You said you're scared of menopause. I'm 58 and have been in it for four years with no symptoms except i can't lose weight like i used to. Maybe you'll have an easy time of it too!

@Mountaindewed:

Good luck with your endoscopy tomorrow morning. You deserve some answers.

Yay today is pdoc day! I’m hoping he will write a letter to my gp recommending time off work. I’m not coping.

This was on the news in Toronto! I didn't realize the flame was so high

Well, I'm moving. My mom put in a low bid compared to the asking price and the owner accepted in in like 45 minutes. It's a nice house on a good bit of land. I'll like not having neighbors close to us. I'll also have a lot more space. But I hate the change. I'm cozy here in my little home. Now I'll be living in a modified basement. I'll be close to my sister's family so will be able to be there as my nieces grow up and also have help if my mom has health issues at some point. It means I'll be 3 hours from my therapist so mostly will be virtual with him. I'm hoping to work it out to see him in person once a month somehow. My family dr will also be 3 hours away and I don't plan to change that either. I'll be nearly 5 hours from my pdoc and breast clinic. Those things suck. I'll have to figure it all out when everyone is back in their offices and I feel a little less knocked off center. I'll also lose my church and small group. Hopefully I'll find another easily.


I don't know how I feel. Mixed up. I'd been assured this was so unlikely and then last week my mom went to see another place and decided to tack on this one that she'd rejected (I couldn't go because I was sick) and this turned out to be the house. So hopefully I'll see it soon and that will help me feel better.


This has been quite the 10 days...

That's insane! It was a massively tall flame. People were able to see it if they were in a tall enough building in downtown Houston, and that's 20 miles away from the pipeline.

T says I’m now in mixed episode. Ugh

Ugh, I drove all that way and they didn’t have me in their computer and the people who do impressions had already gone home for the day! So I went to my sisters for a while. Then tonight was a bust. Not enough people came to play 500. So I’m back home with the dumb tv. Guess I could watch a streaming show. We’ll see

I feel better now. I just checked and at a low-price hotel in the city where my therapist is I can afford to stay one night per month. So I can plan to see him monthly. That helps a lot. I'll keep seeing my pdoc the same amount but when I see her I'll stay there and then see my therapist on the way home. I always stay in the city for breast clinic because it is always a few days. So that works out better than I thought. Spending the night isn't exactly my favorite idea but this price is really good and it will just be part of my new budget.


It's still a lot of change but at least one thing feels in my control.

@Nammu Did you know Call the Midwife season 13 is on Netflix? I don't know if you've seen it yet. I watched it in the winter but I was depressed and didn't remember much of it so it was pretty much like watching a whole new season.

Ohh, I don’t have Netflix. I think 13 was the last season I saw. I googled the highlights and it seemed familiar but I couldn’t remember the specifics. Right now I’m so far from the midwife as I’m starting the 3rd season of Picard, so dark!

Sort of sad where start trek ended up, so full of war, when it was originally full of optimism and hope.

The chirp went away for four hours today and my spirits soared. But it came back and now i'm despairing. It seems to go away for longer each day. I went to the mall for lunch and couldn't get comfortable. Before COVID the mall was my second home. I tried four places and then gave up and came home. Guess i am a homebody for good. I feel bored and frustrated.

I was hopeful at the mall because of some info on the TV monitors about help for mental health and addiction. It seems to be getting such a high profile lately, it's heartwarming to see. There was a really effective notice for parents regarding drug-free kids and a notice for a web site for caregivers and family supporters of those with emotion dysregulation and suicidality, sashbear.org.

It really gave me hope for the future, to see all these new supports for those of us who are troubled. It seems like it's becoming a kinder, gentler world. Even if there is not a lot of progress towards solutions, at least an effort is being made, and if it keeps up, we'll get there one day. Maybe not soon enough for me, and far too late for my brother, but some day. If we don't destroy ourselves first.

Jane, i would email again and tell them that it does stop between such and such times.

That would drive me absolutely mad. I get upset when i hear a chirp on a youtube video!

Thanks for the support Unaluna! I've been worried that i've been wearing everyone out with complaints about the chirp, so i really appreciate the kind words.

@JaneOnceMore I don't know if buildings bigger than houses have these but my mom's house (next door) has a sewer gas vent thing on the roof that spins around. It has gotten rusty and squeaks frequently. It drives me crazy and she can't hear it (hearing loss). It also bothers my nieces when they are here. I wonder if it is something like that? My noise is sometimes there and sometimes not. I'm not a dog but I would want far away from it to pee .

@Blueberrybook Sorry to hear about your grandma.

@LadyShadow congrats on the new job!

Nothing much to report today. These last few days, I've really been feeling the weight of the reality that I could end up needing IV fluid infusions for the rest of my life. I'm only in my 30s so that could be a lot of pokes. I guess I'm more just feeling the weight that comes with realizing different things about what a chronic illness entails, including the life long part. And, as some of you have maybe felt when it comes to mental health diagnoses as well, there is something very lonely to me about being sick in a way that no one can physically see so they do not really understand.

I've also decided I'm going to at least pause the birth control so I can (hopefully) get a break from depression.

I may not be able to hear a chirp but I appreciate that it drives people insane. Neither mum or I could hear high pitched noises but if someone came over and one of the smoke detectors was chirping they couldn’t hold a conversation until we found which detector was chirping and changed the batteries. I simply substituted blinking lights and could relate. You’re not wearing anybody down. It would drive me battery especially if it affected my pet.

Believe it or not @JaneOnceMore I hear a very faint chirp in my apartment late at night, and I have NO idea where it is coming from - it sounds like a neighbor right next to me can care less about their chirps because it isn't coming from the smoke alarms in my house. I don't know who in their right mind can live with that, but I definitely hear it when it's really quiet and it really bugs me.

Today was tough - I didn't work today or yesterday because of the many things I have been overwhelmed with, and it's not good for my budget this month. I am just exhausted. I have some bad energy around me that I can feel, and I am extra cranky because of lack of sleep this week.

It's so good to see everyone - @Blueberrybook - that pipeline things sounds really bad; I hope that all gets taken care of soon - @Nammu - I really despise the direction Star Trek has gone from the days that I watched it - it feels like everything I loved growing up is turning into some crazy dark rebooted thing now.

Thanks so much everyone for the congratulations - I just want to make a difference after living a life of so much darkness.

So I’m booked off work for a MONTH!!!!!

Nothing but positive happy vibes coming from me for the next 4 weeks.

I’m not even going to focus on going back to work. It’s too much. Yuck.

Thinking of getting my nails done tomorrow …