Bipolar Check-in #82

I am glad you are seeing a psych doc tomorrow. You have been struggling awhile now.

im just terrified if i wait until oct 4 ill be too bad and theyll want to IP me and i jsut cant afford that right now. so ill see pscyh tomorrow to bridge me until i see pdoc. my therpaist likes that im going. said its a smart plan since ive been feeling bugs on me now. thast always a bad sign for me

I have absolutely zero recollection of the time between leaving the library bathroom and just looking out the window and noticing it was pouring out not even 10 minutes ago. That's cool.

My head feels weird. Like my hair doesn't belong there. I think I'm going to shave it again and hope it's not my scalp or my brain.

Maybe I'll get a tattoo. Maybe I'll have a coffee and my meds and go to sleep. Probably that and look up tattoo prices before.

edit: ayy found a dude in the area people seem to really like

I agree with your therapist that it is a smart plan, especially if you're thinking (they'll think) you'll need inpatient by the time your pdoc appointment rolls around.

Hope it goes well and you can figure something out that helps

Is the 54321 grounding technique something that should be done on a daily basis to help with dissociation and panic or just when dissociation and/or panic actually occurs. If anyone knows let me know. I’m trying to ground myself. I have an ice pack that I use sometimes too. Because cold temps help me.

Blue_Bird I don't see that it would hurt or stop being effective using the 54321 technique daily to help with anxiety/dissociation. At the very least, it would seem like it could lower your base level anxiety. I've never really used it for dissociation much, just panic & anxiety. Well, really, I use cold temperature because that works best for me. Deep breathing if I'm in a bind and trying to concentrate on the 54321 technique or getting to something cold is not doable (like if panic hits while driving).

I dissociate a lot too. Most days to some extent or another. Some times are more bothersome than others like if it happens while I'm driving. I've never really tried grounding to help with dissociation, a lot of the time when I dissociate I don't panic. Only if I start thinking/focusing on the dissociation too much I panic or if I do something that needs 100% of my focus like driving, I'm not sure that even makes sense?

Yes that makes sense. And thank you for your reply. It’s probably a lot because I focus on it so much when it’s happening. It tends to happen less when I’m in contact with other people. I find talking to other people grounding. But it usually has to be over the phone or in person and I have nobody to talk to ever really anymore. So I end up sitting in my apartment dissociating and imaging worst case scenarios in a never ending anxiety spiral. So I’m trying to make an effort to get out more. But idk how to make friends.

I tend to dissociate most when I start imaging future scenarios that stress me out, then I get lost inside images in my head of worst case scenarios and can’t pull myself out. Or things I’m worried about.

Temperature helps me a lot too which is why I have ice packs I bought and put in my freezer for things like this. I tend to use them more when I’m having panic attacks though.

Maybe I just am overly focused on it when it’s happening. And that makes it worse

Part of why I’m redecorating my apartment is because I want it to feel cozy and safe and a calming environment. I’m ready for a change in here it’s been the same for like 5 years. I like everything I picked out for my new decor plan

I got some good time outside with my dog in nature as it was a nice Fall day. Otherwise the day was a grind as i was bored and irritable. I ordered-in food twice today. Oink!

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!"

I might have to go back up to the full 200mg of thorazine. I'm just not sleeping on the 100mg. It sucks. I wish my brain/body weren't like this

So I've been agitated all week. My therapist was going to have a conversation about sending the boy home this week but that's already happening this weekend. She's concerned if I don't get my stress under control that my symptoms will get worse. Basically she wants me to sleep, eat and do relaxing things. Build a routine around that. No school or anything like that. I really wanted to finish my course now that he's leaving. So IDK. I know she has my best interest in mind but I do have to get back to life.

I took some PRNS today and Im btchy with Ben. I dont mean to be. Im jus irritable is all. hes being annoying.

im so agitated omg he asked me for a red markers and now hes using all mine up on some dumb poster hes making for work. guess im buying new markers nxt week

fahkin' A, man.
I fell asleep at 7 and woke up an hour ago (10) and I am abso-freaking-lutely raging. People complaining about "only" sleeping 5 hours THE PREVIOUS NIGHT insinuating that's an abnormality. I'm pretty sure there was a point I had barely more than that in a week. Hell, I probably went on a meth binge once and didn't even get that (my fault though, and ofc followed by days of sleep).



And people say "everyone's a little bipolar." Pshhh. Yeah, everyone spends days/weeks/months straight on 0-5 hours of sleep a night while also uncomfortably energetic, cannot keep their thoughts straight, and thinks they're superior to everyone else, but also spends weeks/months at other times without energy regardless of sleeping 0 or 18 hours a day or anywhere in between that and have no desire to do anything. Anything. Showering? Fk that. Walking to the bathroom to pee? No. Eat? Why? I get literally nothing out of that but survival and guilt and the guilt of survival, and I want none of that.
Yeah. Go back to calling it manic-depression, and then we'll say "everyone's a little manic-depressive."

I don't know what my problem is as of late. I don't know why my anxiety has been so out of control! I don't know if it's the change of seasons or what. I feel like I'm withdrawing off a med, like I'm IP and they haven't given me my meds in two days or something. I feel light headed and dizzy and like I'm going to lose control. Hacked off all my beautiful long hair tonight and am filled with regret. I suppose it'll grow back. And my hair grows pretty fast thankfully. I haven't dyed it yet because I ran out of time.

My anxiety is rising to intolerable levels, and I don't know why! I blame sertraline. Luckily I see my psychiatrist on October 7th. I'm going to make her listen to me. I know she'll just say, "Well you're on both gabapentin and diazepam. Those should help your anxiety." Apparently at the moment they're not, lady. I just feel sick. I've even lost my appetite, which is bizarre for me because I have a fat *** and am usually hungry all the time.

I don't know. Guess I just needed to vent.

Mourning the loss of my hair.

😭 😭 😭

@MuddyBoots Yeah, that about sums up why I struggle with such anxiety when it comes to relationships. My dad left twice and I've had little consistency with adults in my life I could look up to growing up and being able to have/keep long term friends. Thanks for the food for thought!

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope your appointment is helpful!

Thinking of all of you who are struggling.

Today was an alright day, all things considered. It went fast which I'm grateful for. I'm noticing I have been putting off going to bed later and later because of how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning because of being depressed. As I right this, I haven't even begun my nighttime routine and I've normally been in bed by now for at least 30 minutes.

I'm worried about how my mood will be this weekend because of down time. I have a TON of grading to do so that will keep me busy. I also have an infusion scheduled and might see a friend on Sunday.

Oh, the friend I was so worried about said no worries to what I said so that has me feeling a little better.

Today has been okay but now that I’m back home doing nothing anxiety is sky high again!

We went to the mall. Mt partner got his hair cut and my son and I picked up something to eat. Went to visit his dad in hospital who continues to lose a lot of weight. But he looks like he’s got more colour than last week. We then went and had a coffee with his mother at her house. We went to the beach and my son played in the sand and I got a lemon meringue pie slice. It was delicious.

Now we’re back home my partner is doing the lawn and I’m lying here all anxious and everything in between.

N3 got 108% on the 3 1/2 hour physics exam he took on Tuesday!

My mom is taking me to the Hearing Voices in-person meeting tomorrow. Then we’re going to the mall after so she can get her nails done. (There’s no time to drop me home in between.)

@muddyboots Are you taking your meds as prescribed? It sounds like you are struggling again. If so, maybe it wouldn't hurt to contact your pdoc. Are you taking anything to help with the drinking? Meds and alcohol don't go well together.

I am generally taking my meds as prescribed. I'm on depakote and ritalin. I've forgetten the noon dose of Ritalin a couple times, but I wouldn't think that's a major factor. Hell, I think the Depakote is why my mood is Oceangating it. It's helped with mania in the past (have NEVER been manic on it before), but the blurry vision and brain fog (and lack of mania, I guess) make me feel god awful. I'm not on anything to help with the drinking either. I've tried Naltrexone and that makes me feel like I have a permanent hangover, and she doesn't like patients being on antibuse because a few people have thrown up at the smell of, say, hand sanitizer, and my eating disordered *** would probably start huffing rubbing alcohol to kick the terrorists out. (I feel like that could be on r/brandnewsentence.)

but I did get back to sleep at 4am. And woke up just before 7am. And now I'm waiting for my med management person to come by to watch me eat some Ritalin which is supposedly supposed to be a stimulant that keeps people awake, but I swear it's helped me nap during the day more than trazodone has helped me fall asleep at night so I guess if I'm lucky I'll get a few more hours that hopefully won't be as awful as being awake because I go back to being a stupid kid doing stupid things around/with stupid people that gave me stupid scars. Then if that happens I can wake up feeling stupid and take a stupid shower and stare at those stupid scars just to remind myself how stupid I am.

edit: ok, so it is quarter past 11 and my turn on the med run still has not come about. I hope whoever it is today didn't get stabbed. Without knowing how to kindly transition from that, I will say I just made an appointment that's at 1:15 so I've gotta be out of here by 12:30...

I feel ok today. I drank about 2.5 glasses of iced coffee last night since I was thirsty and it was all I had. So then I needed all 3 of my valium pretty much at once when I woke up. Plus 2 stress gummies. But now I'm fine just a little bit groggy. My moods are fine though. I'm not sure what I'll do today.

Lmao why not just let the Idaho guy go free at this point. And am I hearing correctly the judges name is Judge Hitler?

Ok its Hippler. But I heard it twice and was like wtf

I kinda just want to stay in bed all day and watch TV and eat homemade soup for dinner.

Now I'm just pretty agitated. I took a 4th valium. Then I just ended up taking all my meds for the day. And I'm still irritated. I'd eat if I were hungry. My mom asked if I wanted to go out to eat but I said no. I'm just not in the mood for anything today. I had a few Ritz crackers so my meds should be good.

Good morning! I took the full 200mg of Thorazine last night and slept amazingly well. I definitely need to stay at this dose.

I walked to the library today and got some books. One of the books is a drawing guidebook cause I like to draw. One is a how to play chess book. The chess book is aimed at children but I figure the less complicated the better for me to grasp the concepts of playing chess well. I also got some manga books (Japanese comics) and a regular novel.

Someone complimented my shirt on my walk home. I’m wearing a Nightmare Before Christmas shirt with Jack Skellington and Sally on it. That made me feel good.

I came home, brushed and flossed my teeth. Washed my face and put on moisturizer, made my bed. It’s only 11am now and I have the rest of the day to do what I want. I may get on the treadmill later. Maybe sketch some too. And definitely read. I feel a lot better than I’ve been feeling. In a much better mood.

Well last night was an improvement in falling asleep. But woke up many times, much to early would fall back into that half dose half awake state. But seem less irritated today. 12 days left. Got an half hour to wake up for the hour drive to the dentist. Should splash some cold water on my face. With my luck I’ll be fine by the time of my appointment with pdoc.

My therapist appointment went okay. She's worried about me. Said she's calling me on Monday to see how I'm doing. Tried getting me in to see my psychiatrist sooner, but she's all booked up until my appointment on October 7th, so I was put on the cancelation list. Therapist of course wants me to make an appointment with my GP to get my hormones checked. Sigh. I guess I'll do it just to make her happy.

I told her that last year I had all that checked and everything came back normal and I was told to see my psychiatrist. I REALLY wish my old psychiatrist hadn't left. I feel like I'm going to start crying. At least I KNOW he'd be able to help me. I don't know about this new one. I don't know her. She doesn't know me. It just sucks overall. 😭 😭 😭