Bipolar Check-in #82

I'm still agitated. Like restless kinda agitated. I've tried everything. More then once. I was wondering when Maggie Smith was gonna go. Thats pretty much all the adults from Harry Potter now..

But yeah I'm not really sure what else to do right now. I have my music on but thats about all besides let it pass.

I talked to my ex-bf, who is now my friend over video chat today. It was nice. Good to have a good friend who I can talk to. I broke up with him a month ago, we were together a year and a half and have known each other since high school. But we ended things on really good terms, it was just difficult because we were long distance since I moved back to NY. Anyway I’m happy that we’re still friends and can talk without it being weird or leading to anything.

How do you guys know what to say to your pdoc/what you need from them when you're struggling but you don't know if it's bipolar or another comorbidity or meds or "that's just life" and life sucks but hey at least you got to ride The Cyclone before they turned it into a hybrid?

I do not know wtf is going on, but I don't like it.

I never do shyt like that with my diazepam. What is WRONG with me. I know it's technically an overdose because I took more than I'm prescribed, but it's not lethal, and I have such a high tolerance, and it's not like I'm TRYING to kill myself. If I were I would have taken the whole bottle. We picked it up from the pharmacy today and both my husband and I spaced putting it in the locked med box.

I don't feel right mentally right now. I don't trust myself. I think I need to take a nap or something. I feel weird mentally. I feel like I'm going to lose control and do something impulsive I'll regret. My therapist said I need to do things to get myself out of my body? I'm not sure what that means exactly. Maybe I should just take a nap and then have a freak out and dye my hair black. We're seeing Carcass and Hatebreed in Green Bay next Friday. I'd like to have my hair dyed by then.

Maybe I'll take a walk later, but it's hot out. I just finished cleaning the apartment. We're winning the war against the fleas! I haven't gotten a flea bite in days. Unfortunately I have flea bite scars on my legs though, which really sucks. My legs look awful.

Okay. I'm going to take a nap and then lose control dyeing my hair later tonight. I'll have a complete dye freak out! That'll be good.

I've had a pretty good day. I walked & jogged this morning, and it was actually cooler for a change, by that I mean the temp was in the mid-60s, would have felt awesome had there been a breeze but the wind was completely still. Did the usual morning routine, refilled H's & my meds & vitamin boxes, went to the library with my daughter after lunch. She didn't sleep much last night, so I drove which meant I didn't have to be extra anxious about her driving skills today. Mostly I've just read otherwise today. I've been reading a LOT lately, like a LOT, a LOT, but I suppose as far as obsessions go at least reading is harmless and I'm not buying the books either, I'm either reading books I already have or checking out books from the library so at least I am not spending money on books.

I am happy to be in a stable, if somewhat boring place of late. I feel so bad for those of you having a hard time lately.

@raspberrytorte I'm all for not going to the hospital and avoiding doctors as much as possible, but I really really really think you should go to the ER. That is a lot of valium/diazepam. You say it's not lethal, and in my experience with benzo overdoses of similar equivalency, yeah, I'm alive, but it was NOT FUN when that left my body. And then there's the fact you are in the headspace you did that in the first place, and the phrasing "dye freak out" is just further sign that you're more impulsive. I don't want to see you get hurt or suffer needlessly. You can do what you want, of course, but if I were sitting next to you I would be begging to take you to the ER.

I want to say throughout the day I check for activity on this forum logged out from my phone and only log in and post outside of "normal MSF time" if there's something that looks really important or I'm doing a freak out, and this is one of those "looks really important" moments that had me logging in real quick.

Yes raspberry, I agree with muddy. You are not safe. You take a lot of meds and the can interact with a nonlethal dose to be harmful. Go to the ER. At this point you need the professionals

Don't worry you guys. I'm okay. (Well, as okay as I can be I guess.) I don't need to go to the hospital. I always suffer through med withdrawals whenever I go to the hospital, which won't help me. I always get some asshat IP doctor who takes me off my benzo.... or last time it was gabapentin. Doesn't help my anxiety at all. Nope.

I took my nap. Dyeing my hair in about half an hour.

I'm not taking anymore diazepam anyway because I don't want to run out early. I've been through benzo withdrawal and it was the worst experience of my life, and all of my other meds are locked up.

I doubt any of that is that big of a deal. I just know now not to drink half a carton of iced coffee

I’m on the couch with a song on a cd on infinite repeat. Cat is sleeping wrapped around the arm of the couch. Had chicken wings I made in the air fryer for dinner. My friends are ignoring me. I hate when they do that!

Saw the immediate care psych np. He gave me haldol. Called me in one zyprexa last night so I could sleep. It worked. He was super nice. If it wasn’t $140 each time bc they don’t take insurance I’d keep seeing him

I found a really interesting article from the New York Times, published in 2010, called The Americanization of Mental Illness.

The article discusses mental health in terms of the suffer's culture. Although it discusses schizophrenia and anorexia, it's applicable to mental illness in general.

What is really interesting is the result of a study that evaluated how people treat those with mental illness that resulted either from their environment or biology - the result is surprising.

I think this article is good because it challenges how we think about and treat mental health. It also encourages empathy.

The article appeared in the NYT but I found a link to a PDF copy.

https://nevillepark.ca/wp-content/up...ytimes-com.pdf

We have a family reunion going on this weekend. Part of it is some people coming back to visit a community fair they grew up attending and some people are just here to see those people. But it is a LOT of people in our quiet lifestyle here. It's so nice to see everyone but it is so loud. My head noise is back in force. I didn't realize that part of that was static but after listening to people talk loudly for hours I have a staticky head and know that was my
usual before adding Seroquel. Tomorrow will be 10 of us in one house so that should get really loud. I'll take some PRN Seroquel with me. I should have today. But it is really nice to see people. I'm just tired.


I'm going to have to make my poor cat move so I can get something to eat. She's so cozy but I'm so hungry. Who will win? ETA: It was a tie. I moved my leg and little and she jumped down. I love it when there isn't any guilt.

Today is the football grand finals and I’m going to drink a little bit. I don’t drink often so I’ll have to be careful! Just one or 2. My partner is doing a bbq so that’s nice 🙂

I'm so glad it's the weekend, mainly because it means I'm that much closer to seeing my counselor and pdoc next week. Although, I'm nervous to tell them (especially my counselor) just how much I've been struggling. Especially my counselor because I haven't seen her very long so don't know how she responds when someone mentions SI thoughts. The thoughts are still there, but not as intensely as they have been.

Since I have so much work to do this weekend, at some point tomorrow or Sunday I'm going to go to a coffee shop to work on things.

TW: appetite/food/weight talk

I swear I wrote. Everything is still ****ed it's just now I'm agitated and now can't sleep. Kids still here maybe for another week.

I slept 9 hours and it felt great. I woke up at 8 with a mucusy cough because some stuff had gone down the wrong way earlier in the day. The med makes me tired but it does get rid of the cough. I can't help feeling like my seasonal depression is starting up. I know my therapist told me on Thursday that I am depressed. But I feel it more then normal.

Ok. So I am depressed and lacking energy and I can't get out of bed most days but idk what to do about it.

I fell back asleep for half an hour or so. I'm trying just to get up the energy to do anything. I ate Greek yogurt for protein and bread for carbs. I opened the curtains in my room. I sat in the living room for about 10 minutes before I had to go lie down. My stomach is fine. I'm just low in energy.

I slept good. Have a violin lesson later tonight. It's at 5pm. It's only going on 8:30am now. So I have time to practice before my lesson to try to make up for my lack of practice the past few days and hope it isn't super noticeable.

Gonna spend the morning reading. It's too early in the day to practice right now. I'm gonna wait till around 12:30pm or 1pm to start. So I don't wake the whole building up. I have a mute on my violin but it's still loud.

I drew a picture of Bulbasaur from Pokemon last night

They were late on meds again today. Yesterday the pharmacy did another "whoopsies, we forgot we had a job," which is cool that I got them now that they're closed for the weekend. This morning was good though because I had an excuse not to get in an ***-car

Can I just say kudos to all the moms out there? I'm pretty good with acute pain and suck at chronic pain, but I had my IUD removed yesterday and that wee little thing hurt like a mother coming out. Couldn't imagine a human even if pint sized and drugged up (me, not the pint sized one).

but today is a good day. I got to play outside with a tree that was cut down. Maybe later on facebook my neighbor'll post a vid of me running down the street with a bush head asking if anyone knows if I've relapsed nahhh just making sure the leaf peepers know the locals.

Geeze I have great kids! N3 called to inform me that he can’t take me to my allergy appointment an hour away because he has to work that morning. (I am terrible with directions outside my usually driving area! ) The appointment starts at 7:45 a.m.! However N1 can take me but not pick me up but N3 can pick me up! And it’s only 15 minutes for N3 from his work! So nobody has to wait the 4 hours I’ll be there! And N2 has to work all day that day but we are getting together tomorrow afternoon just to hang out! We rarely hang out so this should be fun! Yay I love my kids! Teamwork!

It is the best feeling ever when things work out like that!

"Ay, the way we planned won't work...THERE'S AN EVEN BETTER PLAN!"

LOL @MuddyBoots That's what they make epidurals for! Yeah, it pretty much sucked so bad BEFORE I got the epidural but afterwards I didn't feel a thing giving birth! I couldn't even feel the contractions or if I was even pushing but obviously the baby came out! Seriously though, are you on some sort of birth control after getting your IUD removed? Did the IUD just not work out for you or was it time for removal?

I hope she went home with different birth control. I got my copper T iud out on January 2nd 2001 and the doctor wouldn’t fit me for a diaphragm saying they don’t work for women who’ve had babies! He wanted to put another hormonal iud in and I refused so I left without birth control! A week later N3 was conceived! I love N3 so I kinda have to forgive that doctor !

Speaking of epidurals…they gave me two epidurals with 7 redoses. None of it took effect. Quite literally in labor for 22 hours feeling everything. Don’t regret a thing though.

There was this gal that I used to see in the parking lot at a place once a lot, and she had 3 natural births! At home, no drugs, bare bones "yup, y'all were conceived in this place and you will be born in this place."

The IUD wasn't nice to me. (TMI incoming) I was hospitalized I don't know 5 times in the past 12 months and during or right after four of those I started my period, and there's been times I've had 3 week cycles for three months straight followed by 5 months of no bleeding but all the fun of cramps and sore boobs just enough to make me question my choice of underwear and pants.