Bipolar Check-in #82

Yes mine too I’d be terrified. Thanks we should have fun!

Welcome back @MuddyBoots ! It's good to see you looking like you feel better. I'm glad you had a good pdoc while IP.

Good to see you @MuddyBoots

Even though I don't need another one, I treated myself to a new water bottle today. I don't like shopping for much, but I absolutely love getting a new water bottle or tumbler. It helped me feel a little happiness amidst all this depression.

I got myself to do laundry, tidy up my bathroom, and sweep/mop. Tomorrow, I need to grocery shopping and lesson plan.

I fell asleep from about 4:30 this afternoon to 8:30 tonight. I was so tired. I feel better now. I ate a protein brownie when I got up and I am listening to music. I listened to that song that song about the night of the 21st of September.

Big day tomorrow. We have the inspection on the new house so we're going to go look at it. I'll be so glad to see it for myself instead of the weird angle photos the realtors take to make things look bigger.

I really hope I like it because I'm stuck there anyway.


So far I've had 2 doses of PRN Seroquel and am going to take more at midnight. I have to get up at 7:30 to get ready to leave. That's really early for me.

Today I did laundry that piled up while I had COVID and then started working my way through a file box. It's mostly tax papers that I no longer need to keep since I'm beyond the 7 year mark. There's also good stuff that makes me smile like my letter telling me I was officially licensed as an occupational therapist in the state of _________. Shredding is going to take more than one movie.

I can't believe I'm preparing to move from here. I'll be fine in the new place, it's just strange.

My therapist is back in 9 days! He's going to be mad at me for skipping 4 weeks (or he'll think I don't need to see him as often and the minute that's not true. I hope I can get him to understand).

The new strings will probably sound better, but you'll have to tune them quite a bit before they sound right.

I played string bass and never liked tuning it. I enjoyed learning how to play but I didn't like reading sheet music, I usually tried to memorize the music. That only gets you so far though, once the music gets long and complicated then you gotta read the sheet music.

You get different types of rosin too, so maybe look into that as your playing improves. I remember that I used to like a purple colored rosin because it was more grippy and was good for the lower notes, but that was 40 years ago so I'm sure things have changed

I'm still feeling pretty low.

I really have to do things this week and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do them. I guess I'll have to grind it out, as my kids would say.

I'm finding that my family just doesn't understand the variability of bipolar and doesn't appreciate the energy needed to appear normal when in reality I feel awful.

I've been living with this disorder for more than 20 years, you'd think that they'd have at least a basic understanding at this point. But, no, they do not and advice like ' drink more water' isn't helpful.

Right now I’m trying to get in the habit of counting off and staying at a steady beat. I have no trouble reading/following sheet music , it’s the time signatures that throw me off. I end up playing too fast or too slow or playing certain notes for the wrong length of time. I really need to work on using a metronome to lock into timing things right

I like the darker rosin better as well! It’s good

Had a good time with my sister. She got me some fried chicken and Mac and cheese last night from a takeout place near here, it was really good. She gave me a blanket, some press on nails, and this strawberry fig jam from the farmers market

I feel good this morning. I slept a lot last night from about 11 to 5 after sleeping from 4:30 to 8:30PM yesterday, and I ate a good breakfast. I just got done organzing my freezer. My moods and anxiety are just overall better then they were yesterday. And so is my stomach. I think a lot of the protein bars and drinks I eat upset my stomach. Today I had a couple tablespoons of maple butter on 2 pieces of oat wheat bread and a banana for breakfast. And some Starbucks pumpkin spice latte I got from the grocery store.

My headphones worked fine all night and this morning.

I only slept 4 hours. Which makes sense considering the excitement of my sister being over. We were up really late, till like after 1 in the morning then she got up around 7am and went back home.

I just took a shower. It’s only 9am right now. I feel good. Think today’s just gonna be a do whatever I want day. Not getting on the treadmill I did like 4 days in a row so I need a rest day. It’s Sunday. I think I’ll make Sundays my default rest days. Not sure if I’m practicing violin or not. Might take a rest day from that as well. Just lay around watch movies and relax probably. And read

I had a similar situation with my husband just not understanding bipolar even after severe manic & psychotic episodes. IDK, the only thing that seemed to help him was at one point he took classes to certify as a high school teacher and there was a mental health class with workshops that demonstrated aspects of bipolar like what racing thoughts were like what mania was like and I think an input of info on depression, anxiety, panic disorder, ADHD, etc. and somehow by some miracle, he actually seemed to get it and he seemed to get it even more when he had students diagnosed with various disorders who would confide in him. After that, he suddenly seemed to become more open to understanding what bipolar is like and that I actually do need to be on meds (well once I got on the right meds he saw the overspending decrease drastically, which was one of his big concerns and which he did not understand). But I got married in my mid-20s, and I was around 40 years old before he started to become more understanding. For me, it really was a miracle that he seemed to accept my diagnoses, but yeah, not having family understand is awful

For some reason last night, I had trouble falling asleep. I tossed and turned for 2 hr. after having read about 30, 45 min. and finally ended up taking another trazodone, which trazodone works about 50/50 for possibly getting me to sleep, but thankfully it worked last night. As a result though, I woke up feeling hungover which is never much fun.

I pushed myself to exercise and it was okay once I got started but just getting started was HARD this morning, one of those mornings where I wished I could have a cup or 2 of coffee before going out walking & jogging, but if I do that I have to go to the bathroom so bad and the park restrooms are not open so early.

I had a busy morning after that - showered, had breakfast, folded laundry, brought in & put away a large grocery delivery, gased up the car & stopped at the pharmacy. I really wish the pipeline fire had not shut down the road to get from the pharmacy to Starbucks because I really could have used Starbucks with an extra shot this morning!

Hope everyone has a great Sunday!

Mine too!!

The tiredness is really hitting me now. I keep trying to watch shows and do stuff and then feel like I'm about to fall asleep but it's daytime so even if I were to lay there for hours trying to sleep even if I am super exhausted it wouldn't work because that's just how my body is. I would love a nap right now.

Well I guess I'm gonna make some coffee and try to watch the last two episodes of Supernatural in season 1. I feel kind of paranoid, in that I am afraid if I take my headphones off I'll hear random people outside talking about me. And paranoid about various other things as well.

I wrote a nice response last night, but it was deleted and I wrote it on the phone so wasn't feeling up to getting it all out.

How long were you on Adderall before the psychosis and did it feel like it helped before then? How was your headspace before the adderall vs on the adderall vs after stopping it (all outside of the bipolar episodes if you know)?

I remember in 6th grade my friend said she was on Adderall for adhd and I asked her what that was and left thinking that was normal, a made up "disorder" and they're just drugging people uselessly, and that she was a wuss for feeling "special for being normal." Either ADHD is a thing and I have it too, or I just fell into that trap later haha. But seriously, I was participating in groups (Yes, @Nammu, went to some groups). Not just shouting out some vaguely relevant stuff that would end up making the intent of the group null if they didn't reign me in (or kick me out), but actually discussing the topic. Before/after a dose is like night and day, but I didn't know night was night until I saw day. I can sit and do the same thing for more than 10 minutes, reading is 1000% easier, it doesn't take me 4 trips from the bedroom to the bathroom to get everything ready for a shower but still forget something.

I know I'm taking a risk, and I'm asking you these questions because I'm wondering just how big of a risk I'm taking. I really do not want to give this up any time soon.

(anyone else who has been on stimulants before can chime in too, if you want. It'd be appreciated )

I went to Tim Hortons this morning. Then I drove to PetSmart to see how much it would cost to get Ariel washed and groomed and her nails clipped. (She won’t let me clip her nails though she does have a couple cardboard scratching boxes.). She had a mat on her back that I kept trying to brush out but couldn’t so I went to PetSmart to see about getting her groomed. Wash and groom is $67. I didn’t make an appointment but went home and used that special curved metal hook all over her body and got the mat out! So I don’t want to spend the money to get her groomed right now. Still recovering from the hypomanic spending from last month! But one day I’ll treat her to a professional grooming session.

You guys have other violin learnin' tips? I got a hold of one a ways back and haven't really played it much. I know other instruments (guitar, bass, piano, harmonica) so the whole learning notes/keys/theory thing isn't a factor (I generally just improvise instead of play songs anyways).

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still doing the post-episode recovery thing. I saw my CM this morning for meds and she's going to see if she can find my criminal record and write a reference to get into that apartment. I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow and of course have to get meds in the AM but neither of us are confident I should be driving right now so I guess we'll have to figure that one out. It's also cool because since, I don't know, May, it seems like at least once a month on the state news channel they talk about how many more car crash fatalities there are than usual. Saw a video on fb of this dude in MA "noping tf" out of merging between highways (I think the traffic scared him) and literally reversing through the exit onto the original highway. AI and faked vids and stuff, but that doesn't seem outrageously outrageous for 495 corridor. My drive to the CMHC would have nothing like that though (maybe a dude doing like 100mph, and a sketchy forever construction zone, but no major traffic)

Yay! Muddy! Stimulants may be the only thing you need! My grandson is on them and yeah, the difference is night and day. During the summer he’s not on them to give him a break but wow, he can’t concentrate no matter how much he might want to. It’s tough. So glad to hear you participated in groups. You might not get much out of it at first but it does eventually make sense.

Moose, ha ha yeah cats are notorious for not wanting their nails cut. Took me a long , long time to learn how to do it. Wow $67! That’s a bit pricey. I see why you’re waiting on that.

As foe me I’m starting to worry I’m going down. I’m very irritable and grumpy. I walked out on the 500 game last Tuesday. They were changing the rules as we played and instead on keeping calm I lost it. I’m sleeping terribly. The only times I get sleep is when I take my old dose of 20 mg. I’m thinking of throwing myself to the mercy of my pdoc. I have no scheduled appointment it’s in January but was too far out to schedule. But I’m scared he might change my meds around. I’m not social anymore, just hiding out in my apartment.

So I started playing violin when I was in elementary school and played through middle school in my schools orchestra. Eventually I dropped it. Took a music appreciation class when I was in high school where I learned some guitar. Eventually like a year ago when I was 29 I decided to start playing violin again. My boyfriend at the time had good connections cause he has a really good guitar teacher and that’s how I found my current violin teacher. She is a performer. And her boyfriend is a professional drummer. We do zoom lessons but hopefully will meet up some day in person. I learned some keyboard and some ukulele too on my own. But I’d say with violin there’s lots of good instructional videos you can find online but once you get through the basics it would be good to find a teacher if possible because they can really guide you on what you need to work on and help you with your intonation and technique. I’d say more so than other instruments. Most instruments you can get pretty advanced with just learning on your own but violin is one where eventually most if not all people would benefit from an instructor.

I can recommend some books if you want for just starting out and can tell you the name of the scales book I started using with my teacher when we started a year ago

I can give you tips as well. I’m not a super advanced player. Maybe intermediate level. But I hope to get there someday. But I can offer you any tips and anything I learn

Here’s 4 books I’d recommend for getting started

Also I have a variety of sheet music from things like Naruto songs, Christmas songs, the game of thrones theme song, the Skyrim theme song, Zelda songs, Pokemon songs, etc if you’re interested in any of those I can scan them and send you them so you can print them

I also have some classical stuff like Vivaldis concerto in A Minor and Bachs Minuet in G

@MuddyBoots
The Adderall did make a difference in how well I read and thought (more linearly maybe?). I was on it a few years before having a manic episode and don't think it was the cause of the mania just normal bipolar crap. But IDK, I still wonder if I actually have ADHD or not. Right now, I've been able to concentrate to read, and I'm not on Adderall or anything for ADHD, but I have also gone years not being able to concentrate enough to read a single book. I do feel the racing thoughts I have associated with bipolar are better under control especially when I'm stable, and racing thoughts alone do a number on your concentration.

Learning lots of scales and intervals is good for improvisation.

The pentatonic scale is cool to improvise with

Speaking of music, my sister has a good quality keyboard with weighted keys she’s giving to me. I have a keyboard but it’s not the best quality and the keys aren’t weighted. Weighted keys are a lot better. So I’m excited about that.

Ariel is taking a nap on the bed. I’m kind of bored. Nobody is texting me or calling me back. Caleb isn’t answering. My sister just bounced my call! Ugh. My mom is probably taking a late nap as she’s home now but hasn’t called me back like she said she would. Therapy tomorrow! I get a whole hour to talk! Then I have to reschedule my therapy on the 30th for some other time because I’m having that 4-hour appointment for my allergies. It will be good to know why mouth burns so badly sometimes when I eat!

I have a weighted-key keyboard (well, digital piano) and I love it. Adjusting the sound is tricky on my model (it's weird compared to others I've fiddled with), but when I get it, it sounds great. I still haven't quite learned how to deal with some of the keys sticking (every A. Literally every A.). I've looked up some solutions, but everything I've found was for actual pianos.

I hope you like your keyboard! It's nice to get that piano-thing going without occasionally going through a wormhole in a clown car to tune it.