Bipolar Check-in #83

Had my emergency appointment with scary psychiatrist lady tonight... Had Husband come with me.

I think I initially misjudged her. She's actually a really nice lady. She was fine with me going back on my previous doses of sertraline and Lamictal. We talked about my shyt sleep and how I ALWAYS wake up after four hours, regardless, so she moved my seroquel doses around a little where I'm taking all 300mg before bed, with a prn 100mg if I wake up in the middle of the night. She recommended I spread out and separate my gabby and diazepam doses throughout the day to help more with my anxiety. We talked a little bit about my weight. She asked me how much weight I wanted to lose and I said 50lbs and she was like, "No. You will be too skinny!" So I'm just going to shoot for losing fifteen for now. She asked if I've been having any paranoia or hallucinations, and I told her what happened with Claritin, and she wasn't surprised.

Overall, good appointment!

Except now I have to go to the pharmacy again tomorrow. Grrr.

I think I got rid of the last of my covid stuff. I blew out a ton of this gross smelling stuff and now my congestion and stuffed up nose are totally gone.

Glad all that is over with.

I have to do some stuff in the morning. Get some groceries and hope a shirt is in stock.

I was so tired this afternoon I crashed and burned on my bed. Flew out of bed when my alarm went off it gave me such a fright because I was in a short deep sleep. Just under an hour before I see my gp. She’s never running on time. Sigh. I found a bipolar support group meeting that meets up once a month near me. I don’t know if I will do the in person meetings but they have zoom ones too. Next zoom one is next week! I think I might try making an appearance.

Work really shook me up today. I had an experience that was similar to something that happened to me repeatedly when I was in an unhealthy environment. I conveniently had counseling today to talk about it, but it wasn't helpful. Breathing exercises aren't really my thing, especially in front of other people, and that's what she wanted me to do. It's weird, but I feel to vulnerable doing them in front of other people.

I've been thinking about it for awhile and today made it so I'm almost positive I'm going to quit counseling, at least for now. Because I struggle with SI (just had some thoughts today), this makes me nervous. But, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't be completely honest in counseling about this out of a fear of being hospitalized so there isn't really much of a point of going then either. And, neither of the counselors I'm currently connected with have much experience with bipolar disorder so they aren't always the most helpful there either. Plus, part of me just isn't ready to do the work. I'm a little bitter at life right now and that's not the most conducive mentality for effective counseling sessions.

I see my pdoc on Wednesday so I'm curious what his thoughts will be when I tell him this. He trusts me so my guess is he won't say much.

So I stood on the same scale I stood on last week at my gp and turned out I haven’t lost any weight. Gees. I don’t know what to feel about that when I’ve been slaving away at this diet. Disappointed isn’t a strong enough word.

When I was 18 I was being told what I was wearing was wrong and the Mountain Dew I was drinking was bad and what I was reading was bad. And its like I was 18. Lol. I remember a mentor took me to the used bookstore and got me a book on poetry. Then I went back the next day with my mom and got some books on folklore I were told were bad for me. Finally the lady who dealt with my case gave up and said "drink what you want, and read what you want." But idk what was wrong to begin with.

Then I got a lot of crap for what I wore. I wore a lot of hoodies. Obviously to cover up. One time my sister took me to the thrift store and got me all these middle age woman clothes. Wtf I was only 20. She said hoodies were "bad"

I knew who I was. Idk why people wanted me to be someone else. Now I still wear hoodies but I drink sparkling water instead of Mountain Dew and I don't read anymore.

Sorry for the rant. It was just annoying.

Thank you, that is comforting I managed to go to sleep last night and woke up feeling better

I was so tired at 5 pm yesterday that I laid down in bed and slept for two hours. Talked with Caleb at 8 then went back to sleep. Got up at 630 feeling refreshed.

I tried brioche bread, for the first time by itself. I’ve had it in the past like in sandwhiches and stuff. But omg it’s so good by itself too! It would be perfect with coffee.

Hey beautiful people, just a reminder that maybe speeding up to pass a tractor trailer in a no passing zone approaching a red light approaching a construction zone isn’t going to be appreciated by the oncoming traffic that has to swerve off the road to avoid you. Not sure who has to hear that today, but apparently it’s more than zero. Stay safe out there

But yeah, I’m doing alright. Therapy tomorrow (maybe, I don’t know she’s in her countertransference mode or something). I’m gonna make a more in depth post in the ED forum, but struggles on that front.

May I present to thee, a swamp donkey!!

I'm doing okay moodwise, just feeling rather quiet lately.

I got examined again and I still have yeast! She prescribed two tubes of the same cream as last time and said use it twice a day for two weeks. I also had bleeding hemorrhoids from being constipated. Luckily, I still have some Miralax. She was kind of worried about that but was relieved to find that I have a colonoscopy in 2 months. We also talked about irregular and heavy periods. She said my periods will get heavier in perimenopause. We shall see. No period yet.

Other than that, I’m just hanging out at home. Might try to call N3 to see what’s he’s up to between classes.

I have this dumb post nasal drip and a runny nose. I'm not sure if I have a cold now. My mom doesn't know either. The post nasal drip is a lot and I'm drinking a lot of water and Liquid Death to try to get rid of it. Overall I'm doing ok. I got my shirt. They only had an XL but I'm hoping it will shrink a bit. I also found this cool pair of orange and white Nikes and a Carhartt hat with the tags still on them.

My anxiety and moods are fine today. I'm just a bit under the weather for some reason.

Everything seems to happen in October. Both my surgeries were in October and both times I got covid were in October. All in the last 4 years.

@Crazy Hitch

You might want to give it more than a week to work. I wouldn't get discouraged yet. 😊

Thanks @raspberrytorte. Yeah my gp said there’s many reasons the numbers on the scale might be the same. She’s told me not to put too much value in the numbers. None the less I might go buy a scale this morning that actually works!

So I'm doing better, I guess. I start medication Friday. I see sucky pdoc Friday too. I go to the doctor tomorrow. My hair once again needs to be cut. I threw all my money towards my credit card to hopefully spike my credit score. We have to do the same with h credit. The broker is still fighting the housing authority to give us the apartment. So we'll know by Friday. My therapist wants to talk about me not leaving my room or the house.

I’ve decided I’m going to bite the bullet and go buy a scale this morning. Our scale in our bathroom is not accurate if I go by my gps scale. I’ll try not weigh myself every day (tempting) but rather do it once a week instead. I’ve looked at a few online but they’re pricey even though they’re on special. Ughhh.

Am I depressed after mania? I made a post about it

So I found a scale for $55 but they were having a special for members marked down to $20. So I quickly signed up lol.

I’m worried about my 5 year old son. Every day this week has been a struggle to get him to school. He cries every morning and says he doesn’t want to go. He says he’s being bullied. Kids are calling him ugly, poor a “sook” (someone who sulks when they don’t get their own way). Thing is I don’t know if my son is doing anything to draw attention to himself. None the less I’ve left a message with the school asking his teacher to please ring me. Hopefully we can put an end to this because it’s not nice having to drag him out the car every morning …

I felt grim this afternoon but i just told myself that it's just a little mild depression and it was easier to bear. I played Scrabble most of the day. Had some good games. It's getting dark early already and there is the time change on Sunday, so it'll be even earlier. Then the election on Tuesday. I'm Canadian but our country is allied so closely with the US i am still concerned about it.

So glad I see my t tomorrow

But at same time idk what tell anyone irl the thoughts im having

@JaneOnceMore

I'm so anxious about the election and what's going to happen it makes me feel nauseous. 🤢 Seriously, like I just want to puke. I'm happy we voted already so that day we can just drop our daughter off at school and pick her up and spend the rest of the day at home!

I wish we were allowed to talk about politics on here. 😔

@Crazy Hitch

Sorry to hear about your son. That really sucks. He's only five and he's already being bullied? That's really young. Poor kid. I hope you get it figured out.

@raspberrytorte:

The guidelines say to "limit your discussion of politics." It doesn't say you can't mention them at all. Sorry to hear you have such anxiety re the election. I can't believe Elon Musk is supporting Trump. I thought he had more sense than that. I caught the end of Kamala Harris' speech today. I thought she did very well. She seems reasonable, well-balanced, passionate, and genuine.

The doctor wants me on a steroid for my cough and if I can't handle that then an antibiotic. The steroid is Presidone its not the pack of pills like before. I've been on it before and its not a great time buts it manageable. Its just this dumb phlegm that keeps clogging up my throat. I can cough some of it out but mainly its just stuck and I am doing this weird *** wheezing thing.

She claims you can't have pnemunoia or anyrhing without a fever.

Not sure if this whole spacing out of anti-anxiety pills, that my psychiatrist recommended, is working out for me. I was going through awful diazepam withdrawal around 6PM. Usually I take 20mg around 1PM. So I ended up taking a diazepam. Then earlier I was going through some awful seroquel withdrawal because I'm used to taking 50mg in the AM and 50mg at noon. I was shaking and wanted to rip my face off, so I ended up taking 100mg of seroquel so I'd stop shaking and felt better once that kicked in.

I don't know. My anxiety has skyrocketed because of the election on Tuesday. I'm freaking the fck out about it, and I know it's a pointless thing for me to waste my energy on. I voted. I did my part. What else can I do?

I'm hoping everything will be fine. I'm sure it will be. It's just that a certain group of followers/supporters REALLY scare me.