Bipolar Check-in #83

I’m going to find out tomorrow how the anemia is going and how badly damaged my liver and kidneys are from some of these meds. Particularly Lithium. I haven’t really told my family because I want to address this on my own terms. It was bad two years ago when I was fighting so hard against severe anemia and acute erosive gastritis. Check into the hospital. No thank you. Dialysis. No thank you. Not up for debate. I’m in good hands doctor wise.

I’m also having four places of skin cancer removed in the morning. Finally, one of my doctors is kind enough to inject a steroid in the joint of my elbow for tennis elbow tomorrow. I like to gather my necessary doctor’s appointments and stuff them into a few days. 2 today. 3 tomorrow. 2 Friday.

Getting excited for the Thanksgiving.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening

So I did a thing. also got the flu shot and COVID shot. My new pdoc called and set up an appointment for December. Then the psychosis clinic set up an appointment the 11th.

My anxiety is still actually pretty low today. I haven't been watching much news lately. I've been rewatching season 3 of a reality TV show that came out in 2009. I got all my sparkling water in the fridge. I had about 10 cases. I took the first dose of the steroid a few hours ago. I'm not having any sides effect so far. Overall things are going good. Idk if I should be more worried then I am.

I just had one of my weird wheezing coughing fits and it made me pretty dizzy. I was sitting up in bed. Kinda freaky because I can feel stuff in my lungs. I am coughing up some stuff now though which is good.

today i have been a lot calmer but anxious still. klonopin really helped me sleep last night which i needed. considering taking another. got a lot done. tried on my halloween costume. my fat self makes a pretty cuddly looking squirrel.made a big pan of brownies for work pot luck tomorrow. theme is Boo at the Zoo. my t wrote me a letter for disability accomodatiosn for school. im gonna see hm again next week. election day to be exact. ill be a nervous wreck. i cant even watch or read the news. so much about the world state freaks me out.

Last week I said on here that my pdoc was easy to get in touch with, that as soon as I sent her a patient portal message about my levels and mixed episode I'd hear back. Which I almost always do. But every so often we don't connect and this is one of them. I'm surprised because my therapist was going to reach out to her too because he was concerned about the mixed symptoms and my anxiety score was worse than a few weeks ago. They have some agreement that he contacts her when he starts to be concerned to prevent things from getting really bad before I am expressing that things are really bad. But it's been 2 days and I seriously doubt I'll hear from her now.

I do have an appointment Monday. Which may be why I've not heard from her. I hate having to feel bad with no med changes at all until then but I have a feeling that's the way it is going to be. I keep wondering if I should at least reach out and ask if she wants me to come up to see her in person but I don't really feel like 5 hours of driving and I'm definitely going to see her in person in a month. So I don't know. I have to decide tomorrow.

I did manage to load and run the dishwasher last night which is huge. I'm still hoping to throw a load of clothes in the washer tonight but I'm learning to not make plans but do what I can in the moment. Tomorrow I do absolutely have to get my labs done for my clozaril. My order expires after tomorrow and I need to have my pdoc send in a new one when I talk to her Monday.


I just wish there were a way to feel less antsy and simultaneously tired. I'll be so glad to get meds changed, even though I know my clozaril will have to come down instead of going up like is needed. Something else will have to go up I guess. I wish I'd heard from her. But it's only 5 days.

PS Are all the requests for political donations stressing anyone else out? I feel like everytime I turn around someone wants money and I don't have money and I feel like I"m going to cause the loss of the election, personally, even though I know that doesn't make sense. I am already avoiding the news per my therapist's suggestion but I can't avoid my inbox.

Yes, they stress me too. My email hasn’t been coming in the last few days so I have a break from that, but I still get them in my mailbox. I don’t even open them, just throw them away, but feel guilty about it.

My t says I’ve made a lot of progress since I last saw him 2 weeks ago and I agree! We were discussing me going back to work 3 days a week starting December then January (end of) doing 4 days then going on to 5 days. He’s been an amazing support structure for me truly he has. He’s on my side and he just gets me. He’s quite young though. In his mid 30s I’d say …

I'm sorry if my political comments yesterday upset anyone. I read more about the site policies regarding politics in the News and Current Events forum and it DOES say that politics are NOT to be discussed, excepting directly relevant government mental health policy. I'll stay out of it from now on. Apologies.

Highlights from my pdoc appointment:

meds stayed the same

there was a cat playing behind the front desk. I didn't get to pet it or find out why it was there though.

my pdoc supports me stopping counseling because he also isn't a fan of the strategies they want me to try in counseling

my pdoc said I'm a fun person and who doesn't want to be around fun people-I've been pretty hard on myself lately so I didn't realize it, but I really needed to hear a comment like that, especially since I see myself as a painfully boring person. He also pointed out (not in a mean way) that I don't come off that way at first I get what he's saying-I'm super introverted.

I noticed I don't have it in me to say out loud that I've been situationally depressed. I could only get myself to tell my pdoc that I've been "down in the dumps." I had a good talk with my pdoc about what has me depressed lately though.

Are you on metformin?

Do you get headaches from it?

I never thought too much about it until recently, but at my last appointment my psychiatrist asked about my metformin dose, then asked if I've been getting headaches, and I just automatically told her no without really thinking too much about it, but upon reflection I HAVE been getting a lot of freaking headaches as of late! I have one right now! I take 2000mg a day.

I don't know if the two are connected or what.

Yeah I got an email from Obama earlier and then I just got one now from Walz asking if I saw the one from Obama.

I"m getting multiple emails a day from their headquaters but at least they know what party I'm for so I havent gotten any emails from that little orange guy.

It’s 3:00 and I’m up and hungry. Grrr. I don’t want to get up.

Edit- I ate cereal. Now back in bed.

Make sure you take it with food. 1000 mg with your two largest meals.

I sometimes eat smaller meals, so i will even split the 1000 into 2 500's. But mine are regular, not extended release.

Our family member passed away a little while ago. It's really hard on my kids.

Also I slept just 2.5 hours, I'm so tired

Sorry for your loss

Happy Halloween!

I'm just enjoying the holiday doing whatever I want today.

I slept pretty decently. Mood is good. Listening to music right now.

My condolences, Scooter. Sending love to you and your family

I haven’t gotten ANY requests for political donations. I changed my phone number since the last election and don’t put my email down for anything I don’t have to though (if I have to and I know I won’t get anything important I have a fake email I don’t check for that). Probably doesn’t hurt that two of my recent past addresses are homeless shelters.

My CMHC is giving out candy to people coming in the office (or she just offered me some because front desk lady and I are tight). 8:30am is too early for a Kit Kat for me though, haha. I had a late start and my “breakfast” is a muffin and coffee from the repair shop. My battery is low, but I’m not even sure if I have money for everything else so I figure it’s gonna be warm for a bit, I’ll keep my AAA card on me and hopefully replace it myself before i can’t get started in an area without service on a gated mountain road at 4pm after a winter hike. I’m also thinking about going skiing this winter if my old favorite (not home, but better)place opens. It’s a hidden gem, no snowmaking, minimal grooming, narrow winding trails type place. They have horses on the property and at the end of the day most days you can ski right to your car. They don’t consistently open anymore though because apparently it doesn’t always snow enough in ****ing NH for the trails to be skiable, and if it does it’s not always economically feasible to open for like three days out of a winter. Thanks, climate change! We were the “ice coast” and now we’re just gonna be the “coast of people who used to ski but were either forced to stop or move west.” Can always count on Jay though. (For countless wind holds and core shots, but also for a good dump every now and then).

edit: Shop gave me values for the battery as amps instead of volts which kinda threw me off (it's been a while, ok? please don't laugh), but I just looked it up and they're saying I'm at 6.4V and, uh, I think not...unless Zeus has been helping me leave every morning

First let me say - @Scooter9 very sorry for your loss - my condolences to you and your family

Hope everyone is having a good day - and - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I honestly haven't gotten dressed up since elementary school, but it felt SO good to get all dressed up this morning before I headed to work. No one has come around for the costume contest yet, but I am very much in the mood playing all kinds of Halloween music - started out with "thriller" now I am on "very superstitious" and ending out with "monster mash" lol.

Still very tired, I know the next two days will be just straight up crazy. @raspberrytorte - I would absolutely join your weight loss journey thread, I am trying my hardest too. It all feels very impossible sometimes.

Feeling really good right now - got a lot of looks when I got to the mall today, lol. Really glad I got dressed up, I have my boyfriend to thank, he really likes holidays, and he suggested I do it, and I am really happy I did. Wish me luck winning this costume contest guys!! I'm excited!!

Well no snow but the temp is only 39f and it’s off and on raining. Don’t know if we’ll get any trick or treaters here. But I’ve the AC on as I can’t open the windows and it’s raining. The heat is on in the building making it unbearable in here.

Scooter, so sorry for your loss.

I've been waiting for my dogs medicine only to find out it was stolen. I'm going to have to put her down without the medication. She's in so much pain she pees when she walks. We can't euthanize her today because it's h's birthday. So this is probably her last night. My t wants me to go to my pdoc appointment tomorrow even though I don't have the medicine. I'm dissociating for the past 2 days.

I'm doing good today. The zofran really was the issue. Ever since I ditched it I've been fine. My GI issues have gotten a lot better lately. And the Elavil has been helping me concentrate better too. I can watch TV now and today I had therapy and it was a legit session instead of me just BSing about my physical health.

My anxiety is fine. The only side effects I seem to be having from the steroid is that I'm sweating and I am having some trouble staying asleep. But nothing psychaitric so far. I haven't had my wheezing cough today and my post nasal drip is ok.

So I guess things are going good. I have started eating Ritz crackers with my Geodon. Before I wasn't eating with Geodon. Maybe that is helping things.

I don't get the whole "if your really hungry would you eat an apple?" Thing. Because I was hungry and I did eat an apple and now I'm not hungry, but so I'm just supposed to eat apples according to this logic?

@Scooter9 I'm so sorry for your loss

@LadyShadow - Gorgeous Halloween pic! I love your costume!

@BeyondtheRainbow - So sorry you've had trouble connecting with your pdoc. Mixed episodes are the worst!

I had a pdoc appt. today. I told him my anxiety is on the rise between the election and the time of year. I always seem to end up in the psych hospital between around Thanksgiving, early December. It's the holidays combined with my daughter's birthday and the anniversary of a sexual assault incident that all just make it very hard. I've had increasing anxiety/panic attacks, even paranoia that I'm going to black out and end up in the psych hospital at any given moment. Pdoc said I can take 1/2 to 1 extra hydroxyzine to see if that helps and to come back in 2 weeks. I am not sure if that will do much of anything but we'll see. I might just end up cutting up some extra quetiapine b/c he used to prescribe me 25 mg quetiapine for bad anxiety, and that worked much better than hydroxyzine. I swear, this election is making me into a WRECK, not at all helped by my having to drive by this one house with political signs ALL over the place on my way out of my subdivision. I swear, I have NEVER been like this any other election in the past, but this election, UGH! I guess we'll know the outcome in less than a week.

Dewed - re apple - its what weight watchers used to tell us. If your hungry but your only hungry for a cookie, you are not really hungry - you just have "mouth hunger" for a cookie! If you were really hungry, an apple would sound good, not just a cookie (or whatever "bad" food).

The weight watchers coach once gave me heck for eating protein with my snack, saying that made it a meal. NOW they say you SHOULD eat protein with a carb or fat snack, to never eat them alone!

I mean, they super-shamed me those witches. So you do you.