Bipolar Check-in #83

Can you do reality checks?

Cutting out caffeine a week or so ago, has brought insane amounts of fatigue. I went from 6-8 cups a day daily for years to none. The past two days I have felt so tired all day both days. Like physically and mentally exhausted. To the point where I feel on the verge of sleep randomly throughout the days. Idk if that’s normal or not

Yeah I can, I just get paranoid about my meds sometimes and convince myself they’re poisoning me. I think if they were gonna poison me they would have long ago I’ve been on them a long time. The fatigue I’ve been feeling is making me worried my meds are doing something because I’m hyper aware of body sensations. Sometimes I think they’re slowly killing me though

There’s a line of the Desiderata I love; nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I don’t know why but it has comforted me. The whole desiderata has helped me often. It reminds me that these things I struggle with are timeless and known to others, I am not alone.

if i dot get at very least a Bin my research class i will be dropped out of school. those were the conditions set by my school for acceptance. i have to get a 3.0 my first 9 hours. im freaking out yall. if id otn get through this class successfully i will be $45k in the hole for nothing. i will giv eup. i will unalive mysefl.

Had my emergency appointment with scary psychiatrist lady tonight... Had Husband come with me.

I think I initially misjudged her. She's actually a really nice lady. She was fine with me going back on my previous doses of sertraline and Lamictal. We talked about my shyt sleep and how I ALWAYS wake up after four hours, regardless, so she moved my seroquel doses around a little where I'm taking all 300mg before bed, with a prn 100mg if I wake up in the middle of the night. She recommended I spread out and separate my gabby and diazepam doses throughout the day to help more with my anxiety. We talked a little bit about my weight. She asked me how much weight I wanted to lose and I said 50lbs and she was like, "No. You will be too skinny!" So I'm just going to shoot for losing fifteen for now. She asked if I've been having any paranoia or hallucinations, and I told her what happened with Claritin, and she wasn't surprised.

Overall, good appointment!

Except now I have to go to the pharmacy again tomorrow. Grrr.

I think I got rid of the last of my covid stuff. I blew out a ton of this gross smelling stuff and now my congestion and stuffed up nose are totally gone.

Glad all that is over with.

I have to do some stuff in the morning. Get some groceries and hope a shirt is in stock.

I was so tired this afternoon I crashed and burned on my bed. Flew out of bed when my alarm went off it gave me such a fright because I was in a short deep sleep. Just under an hour before I see my gp. She’s never running on time. Sigh. I found a bipolar support group meeting that meets up once a month near me. I don’t know if I will do the in person meetings but they have zoom ones too. Next zoom one is next week! I think I might try making an appearance.

Work really shook me up today. I had an experience that was similar to something that happened to me repeatedly when I was in an unhealthy environment. I conveniently had counseling today to talk about it, but it wasn't helpful. Breathing exercises aren't really my thing, especially in front of other people, and that's what she wanted me to do. It's weird, but I feel to vulnerable doing them in front of other people.

I've been thinking about it for awhile and today made it so I'm almost positive I'm going to quit counseling, at least for now. Because I struggle with SI (just had some thoughts today), this makes me nervous. But, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't be completely honest in counseling about this out of a fear of being hospitalized so there isn't really much of a point of going then either. And, neither of the counselors I'm currently connected with have much experience with bipolar disorder so they aren't always the most helpful there either. Plus, part of me just isn't ready to do the work. I'm a little bitter at life right now and that's not the most conducive mentality for effective counseling sessions.

I see my pdoc on Wednesday so I'm curious what his thoughts will be when I tell him this. He trusts me so my guess is he won't say much.

So I stood on the same scale I stood on last week at my gp and turned out I haven’t lost any weight. Gees. I don’t know what to feel about that when I’ve been slaving away at this diet. Disappointed isn’t a strong enough word.