Bipolar Check-in #83

@Blueberrybook

I hope your psychiatrist gives you something. Is your psychiatrist nice? Is he willing to work with you?

I feel off today. Just tired I guess. I slept from 8PM-6AM and I've been sluggish today. I haven't had any coffee just some Coke Zero. I don't feel anxious. Just blah. And as they say in those commercials everything is moving fine. So I'm not sure whats up today.

I slept zero hours the night before last and last night I slept 3 hours.

I need to ****ing sleep, I can’t function like this

I can’t go another night without sleep. I can’t. Idk what to do though it’s a Sunday it’s not like I can call my psychiatrist. I might temporarily increase my Thorazine just for tonight to 300mg. I used to be on 400mg so I don’t think it’s an issue and my psychiatrist is generally fine with that if I need to. My dose has gone up and down over the years depending on how my sleep has been. I feel like this is an emergency but idk if I’m overreacting but I feel like my brain is melting from lack of sleep but my brain won’t shut off at the same time and I can’t freaking sleep. I think I’ll go up to 300 mg tonight then call him tomorrow morning to let him know what’s going on with my sleep. I have to force myself to sleep somehow. I feel like another night without sleep or with barely any sleep will be a tipping point into psychosis and I can’t do it.

Hugs to all of you with anxiety and sleep deprivation!

I think temporarily upping your dose Thorazine is a smart move. Sleep is super important.

Yeah that's what I'm gonna do. I'm also stressed cause one of my cats isn't doing great

I have to get him to the vet next week, I think he's nearing the end of his life. He's really old and already has health issues.

@Blue_Bird

Sorry to hear about your cat and sleeping troubles. I hope you get a good night of rest on the increased thorazine dose.

@Blue_Bird It is so hard when you can't sleep and then dealing with your cat on top of it. Your pdoc doesn't have an emergency number to call when the office is closed, I take it? Definitely call tomorrow even if you sleep well tonight. It sounds like something needs to change.

My pdoc is nice and generally willing to work with me but of late does not seem to want to put me on any more meds. Though I may tell him I'm already chopping up Seroquel into 25 mg doses and have already taken a few of them. These panic attacks are really getting out of hand. He wants me to see a T, but been there, done that and it's never helped. I've given up on therapy for me, to be honest. I have a hard time connecting with people, even people I know. It's always been hard for me. And connecting with a stranger...ugh, forget it. I've tried over a dozen T's over the years, maybe more.

Tomorrow I see the therapist, a social worker. I’m nervous because her picture looks like a blonde Barbie and she’s young. I never could relate to Barbie’s. The youngest therapist I ever had was around 40, well they have to start somewhere!

Now that I’ve added the 25mg back into my bedtime cocktail I’m sleeping again. My moods back to baseline. The therapist is to help me overcome my fear of losing weight. I associate low weight with both mania and severe depression as I loose weight at both ends of the spectrum and both ends are associated with losing everything. I’m also uncomfortable with the sexualized comments I get when thin. You’d think that at my age they would stop but the males in my cohort never received the pc alert. I never did learn to flirt. I’m a straight shooter. Pretty blunt.

My sister and her family were here for breakfast but my brother in law messed up his shoulder and might need surgery and then they forgot the little leauge bag. He can't drive because of all the stuff he is on and he is cranky because of the pain. So they had to take my 8 year old nephew who had the game back to their house to get the bag and then drop off my bil and nephew at the game. My other nephew and niece were left at my house with my mom and the kitchen which was a total mess from breakfast.

I managed a half hour nap while all this was going on. I think its just election depression and stuff. All this sleeping I've been doing lately.

My cat mocha just died. I am so devastated.

Oh, I’m so sorry. He was a very regal looking guy.

Thank you, I thought he looked especially regal in that picture. That’s one of my favorite pics I have of him. I’m gonna miss him so much. He was such a good boy

Blue_Bird - I'm so sorry

Oh Blue Bird, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and Mustachio.

I'm so sorry blue_bird.

@Blue_Bird:

I'm so sorry. I wish i knew the words to help.

I feel tired tho i guess it's really 9:00pm body clock time. I did the recycling today. It took two trips. I really tried to get a big play in Scrabble, but i had to give up and settle for a smaller play. The word i needed was ENRAVISH. What a dumb word, i would never have got it. Glad i gave up. Enjoying my peace, quiet, and privacy.

So sorry to hear about your loss @Blue_Bird. 🫂 ❤️

@Blueberrybook

Maybe your pdoc would be willing to replace the hydroxyzine with something stronger? It's good he's nice and willing to work with you. 😊 Until my current therapist I didn't have much luck with them either, but besides being obsessed with hormones, my current therapist is great. She's weird like me. We really click (I mean, she likes Carcass, Front Line Assembly and Gary Numan, to name just a few). Anyway, so I understand your struggle with therapy. I personally never found DBT or CBT to be helpful (besides the whole breathing thing). Therapy is more helpful for me right now because it gets me out of the apartment once a week and I get to just talk with someone about the way I'm feeling and get some advice (even if her advice while I was hypomanic wasn't very helpful... but in all fairness, she'd never really seen me hypo before like that).

I'm so sorry @Blue_Bird

Today, and this weekend in general, flew by. I had a work thing this morning, so that's probably part of the reason why.

I've felt pretty wired for a few hours now. I'm still able to sit still and focus, but my brain feels wide awake. I've been struggling to fall asleep the last couple of nights too. I think it's the walk I went on and/or the coffee drink I had this afternoon. Hopefully, that's it, especially since as I type this I realize I feel wired and depressed at the same time.

I'll hit the ground running tomorrow. Between the two subjects I teach, the students are completing a lab and starting a project. I also have an after school meeting for a student. I'm still hoping to get home and get a walk in tomorrow afternoon though.