Bipolar Check-in #84

I just got my teaching allotment for next year. I don’t understand. They’ve given me Year 9…..they’re this year’s Year 8s. The Year 8s are what caused me to have a breakdown and I’ve got them again next year. I’m thinking of emailing them principal.

T wants me to eat regularly, sleep and make a routine with my hobbies where I'm up at a certain time and sleeping at a certain time. I've given up . I'm missing taking my meds 2 days a week. My hair needs to be cut but I'm too self conscious to go out side. I have pdoc Monday h thinks they're going to hospitalize me. But the truth is it's not just me. There's no clean dishes, no clean clothes, the house needs work. I bought paper plates and silverware but it doesn't help if there's no pots and pans cleaned so still can't use the kitchen. Winter is coming where I don't go outside we have to fill out assistance again and that keeps being pushed back. I want to say **** it and watch everything burn. I'm pretty much mute again. I spent all our money again so I don't know if I have the $4 for the bus Monday.. my therapist has me going 2x a week. She said she'll address food next meeting. I know I can't wallow. I'm supposed to put the paperwork in for the CPA but I don't Care. I've talked about a payee but h doesn't want that. I just want to simplify everything. We're all in our own little bubble.how do I get out and start caring.

Now I have back pain again. At least I’m rehydrated! I was feeling lightheaded and like my ears were closing up. I thought I might faint! I told this to the dr and she did look in my ears- I said I felt like they were closing up - (like when you’re about to faint!) and mouth but they thought my blood sugar was low so they fed me crackers. Well my mouth was very dry and I could barely eat those crackers. The dr said hours later after the triage nurse diagnosed dehydration that I didn’t mention the several days of diarrhea. Which wasn’t on my mind because I felt so faint. It was the miralax and days of diarrhea that caused all my symptoms. I didn’t mention the diarrhea because I was so concerned about maybe fainting with how I felt. Right now my back hurts. I should try a lidocaine patch and see if that helps. You can only use one patch on one side of your back for 12 hours!

Several of my psych meds have zero refills and my Pdoc won’t be back until the 25th. I pick up my blister packs tomorrow but the pharmacist got a refill on Vraylar because I asked my case manager to get another prescriber to write a new script.

I thought I wrote a post, guess not. I shaved this morning! My leg fur was long enough that I was tripping on it, and I was eating my pits' with my ramen

Off to search the kitchen for a couple hours trying to figure out what to shove in my stomach probably to settle on a fruit cup or something...

The vertigo episode or whatever it was stopped. I managed to get a couple hours of sleep. I feel better now.

I have a therapy appointment in a couple hours. I’m probably not gonna do EMDR today because I’m tired from only sleeping for 4 hours and I don’t want to risk triggering the vertigo so soon after it went away (you have to move your eyes back and forth fast during EMDR following the therapists hand movements) so I’m just gonna see if we can just do talk therapy for today. I know she was probably informed by my psychiatrist about the weed use so that’s something to talk about too, though that’s a non issue now because I’m not gonna use it anymore. And my cat mocha dying two weeks ago.

I have pedialyte leftover in my fridge from last night. Will use it on and off to make sure I stay hydrated and have good electrolytes.

I'll call my doctor today. The last time I took my blood pressure which was a few minutes ago it was 139/103 and I feel pretty lethargic despite sleeping decently. My heartburn is still pretty bad and I can't eat much of anything and I can only drink water.

Sorry those of you having health issues

HUGS to all struggling with bipolar issues.

My mood has been stable of late though I do have the flat affect - no highs, no lows. I don't mind the no lows part but I wish I could feel happy at least...sigh. Pdoc doesn't seem to think this is a problem...GRR!

This morning, I did pilates, and I had my 6 month well checkup at the PCP. Ridiculous to go since I haven't had any physical health problems or illnesses in forever but I do need the occasional referral renewal for the dermatologist, rheumatologist and the PCP will not do them if I don't go in every 6 months. I did find out that blood pressure readings are a quirky thing. First time the tech took my blood pressure it was 157/88! I couldn't believe it as I NEVER had blood pressure so high. She took it less than 2 minutes later, this time with my arm elevated, and it was 122/75 which is pretty much my norm. The PCP did give me a referral for an X-ray for my foot which still is not right after slamming the top of it into a doorframe around 3 weeks ago, so I have that scheduled next week.

I plan to go to the library with my daughter later today, but there is some plastic cover under my car that has come completely unbolted and is nearly touching the ground, so it makes me very anxious to drive. H needs to order bolts for it. My car is 20 years old so it's at that stage where things are starting to fall apart, but getting a new car, even a good used new car would stretch our finances more than we'd like. The next car we buy though is likely to go to H as his car is 30 yr old.

Well the sweeper guys came. I got up at 8 because I didn’t know when they were coming. Got here around 10:30. Next group comes Tuesday or Wednesday next week and puts the vents back in. The following week the electrician comes and hooks them up. Whew I’ll be glad when they are done. This getting up early is for the birds. I’m so tired.

Yesterday was my last trip to the dentist. My sister and bil are leaving for the south so there’s no more reason to travel to Rochester anymore. My aunt and uncle moved into assisted living place. Finally. Now they have no more steps. But they’ve lots of new friends so I don’t need to go visit until spring.

I’m doing fine, the sleep is good one day then bad the next but it averages out.

Had liver ultrasound this am. Now waiting to see Pdoc

Cold, dreary day.

When do you get the results of the ultrasound? I had elevated liver enzymes one time and got put through a battery of tests that thankfully amounted to nothing. Then I'm not sure exactly what changed, but somehow the enzymes went back to normal and have stayed there since. Probably I had a med change or something that helped things out.

Had a good therapy appointment. We talked about radical acceptance and also ironic rebound. Ironic rebound is when you’re having thoughts/feelings that you try to ignore or block out, they come back stronger. There’s studies on that. Anyway, so I’m gonna be working on radical acceptance and also exposing myself to things that make me paranoid. Like one of the situations I can’t stand is sitting in silence cause then I start getting paranoid about noises and about my meds poisoning me etc and my thoughts spiral so I’m constantly blocking out the world with my headphones and distractions. So I’m gonna have to work on exposing myself to small doses of silence over time kind of like exposure therapy till it gets easier.

We talked about the THC vaping use. She was telling me about how scary things are on the drug scene now due to fentanyl being cut in with so many things and another thing also that’s out there being put in stuff that’s dangerous. . And just the general risk of having a psychotic episode from weed since I have schizoaffective disorder.

So I’m gonna stop vaping THC and get my payee paperwork signed by my psychiatrist next month to become my own payee. He told me to stop using THC and if I did he’d sign them next month at our appointment.

@Blue_Bird I agree that stopping vaping is a good idea. You definitely don't want to risk a psychotic episode!

Hopefully later today

Morning! Been awake since 5:30am. Yikes. Taking my son swimming today and then going to visit my daughter. I have to take her grocery shopping because she locked herself out her apartment on Thursday and had to pay $280 for a locksmith to let her back inside the apartment and now she has no money left for groceries. We’ll go for lunch first. After that I’m hoping to go put in an order for my son’s birthday cake. You have to go in to the store to do that. Ughhhh.

Hitch - careful on what you write for the inscription. ONLY write the message. You dont want to end up on the internet! "MAKE IT BIG!"

Was the other thing Xylazine? That's in a bit of stuff around here. Some people like a xylazine+fentanyl combo (tranq). I don't get it... there is stuff that feels better and doesn't have a probable chance of killing you?

I thought NY was a legal state though so you should have safe access, right? Or do you not have dispensaries (we're decriminalized so everyone just goes to ME or MA and just gives them all our money for weed that's just weed and doesn't have fentanyl, xylazine, formaldehyde (yeah, formaldehyde.) instead of maybe funding our own state to work on homelessness and the opioid crisis, but I digress)

I'm sorry. There are so many good reasons to not do any drugs incl. marijuana and derivatives that I hate when people use bad ones. It's like "you shouldn't drive at 150mph because it's bad for your engine if you need an oil change!" ... is "you'll either die or go to jail and you might kill other people too" not good enough? I get some people don't have morals and need economic justification for why running around stabbing people isn't a good idea, but sheeeeesh.

My sleep is a mess!

I slept 7.5 hours the other night, which is great. But then I go and sleep 2.5 hours, wake up and then sleep another 3 hours later! Same thing last night.

I see my pdoc in a week. Depending on how my sleep is then, I might ask for something to help me sleep. If you have experience with sleep meds, I'd appreciate it if you post about it.

My anxiety continues to be high and my mood is low, but I'm taking things one day at a time.

"Write 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' but big and with so many colors his grandkid's gonna adopt a unicorn"

I’m going to have to google what you mean I’m nervous

@Crazy Hitch look for Cake Wrecks

You tell the cake decorators what to write and they take it very literally

I managed to order his cake now through the internet….. I go to pick it up December 6th but the place is so far away 1 hour to get there but we’ve saved a lot of money on the cake!

Ohhhhhhh i get it now lmao!