Bipolar Check-in #84

Well I suppose I should get to sleep soon. I already took my night meds and am laying down. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning at 9:30am then my therapist at 11am. They work in the same office so I’ll just sit there and wait between appointments.

I’d like to be up around 5am because I like having a few hours to wake up and drink coffee and journal/listen to music and read before I walk there.

My girl hanging out at the end of the bed

I had a brand new manicure set arrive yesterday. It’s called Glamrdip. Of course I had to do my nails first thing this morning! Whilst I do love the colours the application isn’t perfect. But I’ll learn as I move along!

I got some meds delivered and watched a special by the comic Fortune Feimster. Otherwise it was a long quiet day trying to entertain myself with little success.

I tried to make Mexican rice and street tacos. Mine came out bad I ate like 1. I was so excited. I learned I hate corn tortillas, rice wasn't flavored enough, chicken wasn't flavored enough. It was awful. My husband and daughter thought everything was okay except the tortillas. I'm throwing out 2 cups of rice. I bought $70 of groceries today and h is impressed by how much I got. I have to get through to the people helping with the deposit because HUD won't let us move in until February 1st but our deposit stuff has to be fulfilled by January 22. So I don't know. Broker said it'll be okay but I'm worried.

@Blue_Bird - My teeth are bad from 2 things -grinding at night (can't keep a nightguard in, spit it out in the middle of the night, even the expensive kind made at the dentist's office) and also anorexia - purge type. I didn't restrict as much as an average person with anorexia it's just I purged a LOT through exercise. I'm talking 4-5-6 hr. a day exercising. So yeah, I got to a really bad point, and I was told that lack of proper nutrients can leach your teeth of the vitamins & minerals they need. One pyschiatrist also was of the opinion that the tooth clenching/grinding came on as a result of the ED too; I don't know how much credence to put into that as I have always been very anxious, from the time I was a little girl. I don't suppose that type of ED does quite as much damage as purging through vomiting, but still it did enough. And I already had a lot of cavities as a girl before the ED even came on.

I didn't get the best sleep last night. Woke up at 2:20 AM this morning. Realized I forgot to take my night meds but figured it was too late; I have a dentist appt. at 10 AM, then my daughter has one right after me. I went for a long walk, too long really because it was cold out - 37F, and I have Raynaud's in my fingers that is very sensitive to the cold. I wore gloves, but it still wasn't enough. Then, it was like I felt like I had to torture myself to keep walking when I knew I should come home because of my hands. Showering even the cold water felt so hot on my fingers, and I could barely move them. I was half afraid I'd have to show up at urgent care with Raynaud's which would be a stupid reason to have to go if I had just taken care of myself properly but thankfully I was able to avoid it.

I am having some problems warming up this morning. H got us this new "smart" thermostat (and AC in summer) that is supposed to save us some percentage on the electric bill where the electric company automatically adjusts your thermostat to use less energy. The electric company claims you'll never notice the difference. Hah! That's a lie. Our house was built in the 1950s, and the insulation isn't the best, meaning cold seeps in around doors & windows. I am really HATING this new thermostat and wish we could go back to the old one. And it's so "smart" the dumb thing won't even switch automatically from AC to heat and vice versa when you need it to; you have to manually change it. Even our dumb thermostat switched automatically!

Appointment went well. My psychiatrist signed my paperwork for me becoming my own payee. Yay!!

Now I’m just in the waiting room waiting for my appointment with my therapist which is in an hour from now.

@Blue_Bird - Awesome to become your own payee again!

I need to leave for the dentist, and my daughter is taking forever. We're going to be late to our appointment. I HATE being late anywhere. I tend to arrive a too early to most appointments, it's like I've got this innate fear of being late. Fear of failure? Fear of leftover remnants from school worried about being tardy to my classes? No one is going to care if I'm 15 min. late to any appt; usually you have to sit around and wait past your appt. time anyway, except at my pdoc. He is really good about keep all appts. running very smoothly on time.

I swear to the fsm I'm gonna lose my shyt today. again. I already had to pull over to cry at a gas station on my way to get my meds, and on my way back I was like "alright, I'm just gonna floor it through this guard rail hopefully over the cliff at like 80mph" except there was some plow truck doing 20mph ahead of the six cars ahead of me and an asshat that kept beeping his horn behind me.

And I tried doing my NH find a fking job shyt and I swear to motherfking god that site is like "hey, I can't sit still forever and I'm bad with details, but I'm creative and smart," and they're like "do people's income taxes." Also it won't let me build a resume because I don't have any official certifications. Think I'm just gonna put "certified to ruin people's day" and upload a file from my last inpatient stay

I had a good therapy appointment. We talked about ways to manage impulsivity in regards to overspending and whatnot when manic. And discussed my impulsive stopping my meds. We also discussed my anxiety and panic. I talked about how I hadn’t dissociated in a month. Ironically when I got home today I started dissociating a tad. Glad it didn’t happen outside though. It’s such a horrible feeling dissociating outside when you’re like walking home from somewhere or too somewhere. I feel like I talked a lot today in therapy today. Next appointment we’re doing more EMDR.

Hello lovely people!

I’ve got my partner’s dad’s celebration of life today. I bought the most gorgeous red dress and red handbag on sale yesterday to wear. The dress is exquisite. It’s off the shoulder which I never wear, ever. But once of my bras you can remove the straps. I’m looking forward to dressing up and doing a full face of makeup later on. Glamorous. And my nails are done because I did them yesterday morning. I’m in a good mood lol.

I'm doing good today. My therapist did a screening test for depression and I scored low. So the increase in Prestiq is helping a lot. She agrees with me that sleep apnea is very possible.

I needed new headphones and I found some wireless ones on sale from Walmart for $16. Down from $130. So I immediatly bought a pair. The reviews are good.

I'm doing good but I'm getting kinda tired. I took 2 naps yesterday and I still slept through the night.

No word yet from the 3 places I applied to. I looked around on Reddit and finding a job is almost impossible even for retail. A lot of job listings are just ghost listings. But I hope my pdoc shuts it and knows I'm trying.

Edit: Well damn. I just checked my email and I got an email from one of the places I applied to saying they couldn't hire me because of my availibilty. I had open avalibilty...

I feel awful. More than usual.

I can usually manage through the lows, but I'm having a hard time now.

It could be because I'm titrating up on lamictal. Years ago when I first started it, I cycled but my mid switched every few hours then.

On the plus side, I finally brushed my teeth. I won't say how long since last time, it was really long.

My cute red handb and shoes I got!

I’m having a slip slidy day. It’s a dark and cold day. I didn’t get out of bed until 11, even then I didn’t want to get up. Thought about staying in bed all day and reading in bed. But that’s old behavior that I don’t want to slide back into. So got up. Got dressed and retrieved my lunch. Figured I’d go downstairs and play games, but didn’t make it down there. Instead watched cold case. So figured I’d go downstairs and watch the movie. But didn’t do that either. Now I’m telling myself to go down and get my mail. …… we’ll see.

I have my dentist appointment tomorrow at 6:45am. That is so early. I think I’m just gonna pull an all nighter tonight. I literally cannot wake up that early on my meds and still get there on time. I have to walk there and it’s like a 25 min walk. Plus I’d need time to actually wake up and have coffee but I don’t just want to wake up and immediately rush off to the dentist without some time to myself. So yeah I’m pulling an all nighter. It sucks cause all their cleanings they do this early. They won’t do them later in the day. At least once this is done any follow up appointments will be at regular times. I considered rescheduling but there’s literally no point. That is the time of day they do cleanings always and even if it wasn’t they’re always so backed up it’d be like 3-4 months till I’d be able to get it rescheduled. So I might as well just pull the all nighter tonight and get it over with tomorrow. At least I’ll have the rest of the day to do whatever I want. I can try to take a nap after I take my morning meds when I get home. They always make me super tired and I’m generally able to take an hour or two nap.

I took a shower because I was feeling irritable. It helped some. I practiced violin today. Had a decent day. I want to get into the habit of showering every day. I’m starting to feel like it’s becoming an essential part of my days. Like back whenever I’d be inpatient you’d have to shower everyday. Either in the mornings or before bed. And I never realized why till later how important routine is. But not only that. It can literally make me feel so much better and can turn feeling crappy around. I tend to feel worse/more anxious towards the ends of the days. Consistently. Everyday. So I try to take my showers in the late afternoon to early evenings. And it makes such a difference. It can help my anxiety, help my irritability and anger. It can put me in a much better mood. The temperature change, feeling clean and fresh and cozy. It’s just so nice. I struggled for so long with showering regularly. Now I feel bad and off when I go a day without one. I recall several times in the past week where I realized I wasn’t feeling well and I was like well you know I what I haven’t done yet today, shower. So I shower. It doesn’t solve everything. But it’s a little thing that can make a big difference. Of course it was triggering for awhile because I hated looking at my body. Now I don’t care. I just want stress relief. I want tempurature change cause it helps with anxiety, dissociation, panic etc it’s like a DBT skill called TIPP. I go in feeling like crap I come out feeling better at least a bit better, sometimes more sometimes less but it’s always an improvement of some sort. It is also helpful because I can think more clearly in the shower. Idk why. It’s almost meditative kind of.

Kind of vegged out on the couch after my two appointments. Other than practicing violin I didn’t do much else. I read my book for awhile. Mostly just drank some decaf coffee and watched anime.

I’ve thought about getting one of those waterproof Bluetooth speakers you can put in the shower. That’d make it even more enjoyable

@Blue_Bird If you're going to pull all-nighters to get to early morning appts., is there any way to schedule your appointments for later in the day so that you don't feel you have to stay up all night? If too much sedation is a problem, why not see if the pdoc could advise a slight reduction in some of the night meds that make you so sleepy only for nights before early appointments? Pulling all-nighters is such a slippery slope for bipolar. I'm sure you know that.

I had an off day. Tired all day, grouchy, headache that just would not go away. Spending 2 hr. at the dentist's office did not help. My crown placement went fine, but my daughter has 3 cavities! So it's back there next week with her to get them filled.

It's been an effort to do much anything today; concentrate on reading, play on my iPad, even sketch. I took a 2 hour nap, but it didn't help much. Chores like meals, dishes, laundry, taking care of the cats are just all too much. I did skip my night meds last night and only realized it when I woke at 2 AM, but then I figured it was too late to take them and thought I'd probably feel better without them. But obviously that did not work out.

Sketches didn't go so well today; I just didn't have the patience there for it.

I just had my best virtual support group ever! I didn't pay close attention to it, i played with my dog and patted her (she can never get enough!), and watched my animated dots clock on my TV. It was better just listening to the voices and tuning in and out as my interest waxed and waned.

Best of all i learned the group is having virtual drop-ins on Christmas and New Year's afternoons! I'm so happy! It will be great to have the company. I have two support groups, one run by employees and one by volunteers and lately i'm finding the one run by volunteers to be better.

It was really comforting to enjoy all the personalities tonight! I had a wretched day, not a surprise, so it was really nice to have a pleasurable evening.

Hugs to all!



@Blue_Bird:

I understand your concern about making your early-morning dental cleaning but it worries me that you're pulling another all-nighter just after saying that they make you feel bad. Can't you make a different adjustment? Sleep is really important.

Today's victory was putting away some laundry that has been sitting in a basket all week. My goal for tomorrow is to put my clothes away as soon as the laundry is done. If I get to the laundry that is. I seem to have a sinus infections so, if I can't get into my doctor, am going to need to go to urgent care after work and that could mess with my laundry plans. A weird symptom is that my teeth really hurt-it feels like it did when I'd get my braces adjusted. I don't think I've ever had that happen with a sinus infection before. I really hope I can get into my doctor, or a different one, instead of urgent care. It's so much cheaper to go to a primary care physician.

The students are starting to all apart a little bit. This always happens as Christmas break approaches.

I can't listen to music because I don't have headphones, so I can't sleep. It is kinda early though. I didn't eat much today. Idk why. I have this huge bump on my head, I wonder if thats why I've been getting headaches. Idk. But 2025 will not be like 2024. I am getting into shape and getting a job.

The new thread is here: Bipolar Check-in #85