Bipolar Check-in #84

I had my 6 month labs done yesterday. My fasting glucose has been 108 the last several times it's been taken but my A1C was ok. My doctor told me he thinks I am diabetic but the metformin I take for weight control is holding me so it's ok for now.

I haven't gotten my A1C yet but my fasting glucose was only 1 point above normal! I hope that's a sign that this is another time I'm going to get away with the diabetes diagnosis.

Now to wait for that A1C......

Still freaking out but not suicidal
Tiday

I SAID YES TO THE DRESS!!!!!

Background: I joined a wedding marketplace on Facebook and this seller originally bought the dress for $2,500 and she’s selling it for only $100!!! Bargain.

I can’t wait to pick it up later on today. 12:25am Sunday morning here and I c sleep!

So the nurse just called and said to take 300 tonight (3 100s from my blister packs) and if that works well the doctor will call in a script for 300 tomorrow. Dang. I was hoping they’d call it in today!

Good morning. Spent the first 3 hours I was up 5am to 8am meditating and journaling and staying off my phone and any screens. I also read some. I’m trying to cut my screen time I spend too many hours on my phone or online and it’s not mindful and is a waste of time most of the time. Then the fire alarm in the building went off so we had to go outside and the fire department came. It was the laundry room, there was a lot of steam which triggered the alarm. I’m back inside now. Gonna take a shower soon and go practice violin later. Other than that a lot of reading and limiting my screen time as much as I can. I don’t like the amount of time I’ve spend on my phone/laptop over the past 15 years. It’s too much and I’d rather spend most of that time doing more fulfilling meaningful stuff like art, music (violin, ukulele, keyboard), socializing in person, going places, exercising, spending time with my cat, playing card/board games like tabletop rpg games such as dungeons and dragons type games, cooking, exercising, journaling, learning new stuff. Just slower living more mindful type of activities. I don’t want to look back in my life years from now and realize I spent 95% of it behind a screen. That’s unsettling to me. It’s almost become an addiction which I think is pretty common for many people nowadays. But I’m working on being more present in my life and not letting time slip by.

I'm sad today. 😥 I don't like feeling sad. I want to become oblivious to the world around me. I know I said I wasn't going to, but I because I feel like having a fck all day. I'm currently under my covers in bed listening to Sleep Token, so at least I haven't gotten to Sigur Ros level of sadness! I'm not depressed.... just sad.

I got all my ezine stuff caught up last night, which is good. Today I just have to do my usual cleaning and vacuuming and dishes and the cat litters, etc. I also have to do two loads of laundry at some point, but I can do that tomorrow if I'm too lazy to do it today. I just want to cry. I also would like to spend an hour on my writing today.

My therapy appointment went well yesterday. I told my therapist how upset I was, and she was just like, "If you feel like you need to scream, cry, break things, feel free!" Lol. She was as upset as me. She said she'd needed to take Thursday off work because she wasn't in the proper headspace to help anyone.

@Moose72

Yeah. 300mg of gabapentin is a baby dose. I take 3200mg a day. I hope it helps you sleep! 🙏

@Blue_Bird

I often worry about spending too much time in front of my phone and letting the world pass me by too. I don't want that to happen. I periodically take a week off the internet and just use my phone for calls and texting. Your post inspired me to do that again because now that I think about it I haven't in a while.

What do you take that much for? Mine is for antipsychotic or mood stabilizer forget which and sleep. I also take Vraylar.

Talk to my old friend who is a therapist and knows me really well. She said my mental health has been slipping for a while and maybe I should the hell out of school before I do something to hurt myself. I’m really struggling and if I didn’t have so much riding in me I’d go ip today bc I’m
Not safe

Oh! Anxiety.

I feel bad from lack of sleep. This is the 5th day I have only slept 4 or 5 hours a night. My body aches but I don't dare sleep or I'll be up all night!

Trying to come to terms with how life is going to be now. I have to raise my credit score and save. We may still get the apartment. If we do we'll continue to save there. If not we'll try to get in the home ownership program.

Have to travel 1.5 hours this morning to go pick up my wedding dress then 1.5 hours to take my son to a beach. Then will be going to a cafe for lunch. Visiting my partner’s dad in hospital too then have to go grocery shopping for the week. Busy day ahead….

When's your wedding @Crazy Hitch? I didn't know you were engaged! Congrats!

I got engaged last December. We’re going to elope so it’s just my partner and I … my partner has more weight to lose than me and he says once he’s lost the weight he will get married….

Why is he waiting until he loses weight?

my professor said ic ould turn it in for partial credit but it wont let me in. ive emailedher to ask her to open it. my grades up to a C+ now from last weeks assignment. hopfully if i can do this ill get back to a B

I feel a lot better today. I think I was just going through med withdrawels. I came off the steroid and the Elavil at the same time. Today my moods and anxiety are fine and so is my stomach. I tried this new OTC stomach thing called Iberogast. And its worked better then anything else I've tried recently. I haven't had any nausea since this morning.

I slept around 8 hr, but I didn't have the best sleep as I had nightmares all night. I had a pretty relaxing day. Went for a walk & jog this morning but I think I irritated my strained muscle. I could really do without all these injuries!

I spent a lot of the day reading and trying to get our latest stray rescue, named Sugar Berry, comfortable inside the house. So far there have not been any fights between him and our other cats; they just look at him and then walk away though Pecan has given him a hiss or two. H is working to make room in the garage for a couple of additional litter boxes.

Sorry you’re having a rough day. I’ve been considering starting to to cope with my anxiety too. I can’t do edibles anymore though. Those make me so anxious and feel paranoid as heck all day. I’m not sure though cause my psychiatrist says THC is linked with psychosis. I’ve had both good and bad experiences with it. So idk. Only thing that sucks is vaping of any kind isn’t allowed in my building so I’d have to go outside off the property to do it. Lots of people do as it’s completely legal here but I’d still feel conspicuous doing it.

I slept very well last night. Don’t remember my dreams but remember it was good. Spent the morning lazing about then a friend called wanting to go to lunch. We did Mexican today. Came back and played some games. Nothing on tonight so will be reading. A nice rainy day, we need the rain and temperatures are above average so it’s not snow! That’s a win.

So I have to somehow save $650 a month for at least the next 5 years. So I have to cut everything. So that I have enough for a rundown studio if SSI gets cut.

My back hurts so much. I don’t know if it’s from the ovarian cyst? It only started a couple days ago.

Long day, trouble tolerating things, just my boring old depression. Laid around a lot. Got four 500+ games in Scrabble, two of them right in a row, so that was nice. Did some light chores. Exchanged pleasantries on the elevator with a woman i offended when i was last hypomanic in the Summer of 2022, so she's willing to be civil, which is nice too.

Hugs to all in need!

Idk who I am anymore.