Bipolar Check-in #85

Not much going on today other than going to the pharmacy just plan on practicing violin. Tomorrow night I have an hour long violin lesson.

Freezing its 20 degrees but feels like 7 and is breezy too and there’s snow, waiting for the bus 20 more minutes. Have my hat, gloves coat, hoodie and boots and baclava (I think that’s what it’s called?) on. Lots of snow

I'm SO freaking depressed. I HATE Christmas. Currently crying. I know. BOOHOO.

I feel ok today. I'm kind of light headed and all I could manage to drink or eat was a protein shake since I couldn't heat up anything because I was low in energy and I needed something fast. I took my blood pressure and it was 133/87 and my pulse was 71. But I'm feeling better.

I'm just watching TV today. I have therapy on Monday but besides that I don't plan on leaving my house until after Christmas.

*balaclava
baklava is dessert

I'll switch weather with you! Except it's 23 here and 14dF windchill, so not a huge improvement and that feels like is going down to -11F by Monday morn. (But if you don't mind, you can send the snow anyways )

Stay warm, my friend! There's usually many posts in my 2 hiking groups for sunrise by this time of day, but nothing so far (but a shirtless dude being made fun of in the alpine zone from last week...). Guess that says something!

Went to Panera at 7 this morning. Then went next door to Whole Foods to grocery shop. Now home. listening to a 30 year old man sing the high C solo in Allegri’s Miserere. They call that a sopranist. He’s not a castrato. Gotta clean my apartment! Maybe my Starbucks buddy will want to get together later today. Depends when he gets up and what time he has to tutor math today.

I "bought" a couple free courses from PSIA-AASI for ski instructor certification. I had one ski lesson in my life, it was a free group lesson/bunny hill ticket/rental package for complete beginners (which on skis I was that day as I learned to snowboard first), and no one else has apparently seen people ski and I just kinda did my own thing while the instructor was telling people not to use their poles to stop haha. He did notice I was bored and took a run with me on the bigger beginner hill though after the group was done, so that was cool.

But they're still looking for instructors at my local mountain, so maybe if I finish this course early enough I can work there. I should probably actually get my ski legs under me first though, haha. It's been a hot second. Last time I skied was probably 2 years after my fall/hip injury and getting used to it again was interesting. I got too cocky and did this (what I used to consider easy) black diamond, but it was "closed for racing" but not really labeled as such, so I had like a 10 foot wide path between the racing fencing and the trees to get down a kinda-steep trail on my fifth run after so long.

Oy though. I don't know if I'm just assuming his complaints about other people are directed towards me...well, I know I'm assuming that, I just don't know if it's a correct assumption or not. He was saying stuff like "some people should've been swallowed, but weren't, and now it's fun to think about pushing them down stairs." And it just hits a nerve. My dad used to say stuff like "I shouldn't have been born" but in joke-form, like "the best part of you ran down your mother's leg," and "too bad your mom wasn't a chicken, you might've made a good omlet." If I didn't laugh, I was "too sensitive."

I got a call from the landlord at the apartment I'm trying to get in yesterday, except it was while I was waiting for my therapist to talk to me, so I answered, and as soon as I did my therapist came out the door. I called back later, but she didn't answer (or call back). Had an email saying "call back to discuss move-in." So that's exciting!! I'm gonna call again today (I don't know if she takes answers on weekends, I just know she doesn't on Thursdays), and then maybe again on Monday if I don't hear back by the afternoon.

They had a good deal on Ryobi tools at Home Depot yesterday too. My mom mentioned that our battery kinda sucks and she saw a good deal they have a box of two batteries and a charger for $99, and we went there and I noticed there's a list of power tools you can get for free with it. We got a blower. Not sure what we'd use it for, but out of all the other tools we either have them/something similar or absolutely don't need them. I want to try blowing snow off with the blower though if we get a light and fluffy snow one day. I also want to walk into it and see how close I can get (it only blows up to 160mph, and I've seen videos of MWOBS peeps outside in 100mph winds even if that's not super pretty)

@MuddyBoots that’s right I knew one of them was a dessert lol 😃

So it’s code blue, when the temperature drops below a certain point bus rides are completely free. So I don’t have to use my preloaded fare card today since I can ride for free

I dropped my phone in a big pile of soft snow a few minutes ago. I was able to frantically wipe it off and it’s okay.

I’m waiting for the bus to go home now. Got to the pharmacy and got my meds and the prescribed vitamin d. About 15 min till the bus comes. Nice thing about it being so cold and snowy out is hardly anyone is riding the bus so it’s not crowded.

I’m home! So glad to be home in the heat. The walk back from the bus stop was a pain in the *** cause it’s completely up a looooong steep hill that goes on for like 4 blocks. Between the snow and the freezing cold air in my lungs it was not fun. I immediately turned the heat on when I got home, took off my winter stuff , took off my jeans and put on sweatpants and am now relaxing with my cat and glad I don’t have to do that again for another month.

I slept okay last night, around 8 hr. Then, I don't know what got into me, but I took a very long power walk, just over 7 mi. Showered, had coffee, read & used the SAD lamp, did laundry, picked up a prescription, and sketched. Not quite sure if my mood is up or down or if it all evens out in the end.

Today's sketches:

What a horrible horrible night. I couldn’t sleep for anything. This morning I got up at nine then went back to bed, my back hurt so bad from the lack of sleep. I think I slept from 10-12. I know I had dreams. I was in a hospital with a hole in my leg. I had cool kits I could do. There was a lady there making her gown. Had suspenders and a parachute. I had a nice doctor. They were going to take me to the wedding in a huge pram. Mum and dad were there, I was about 10. My back is better after the couple hours of sleep.

No idea what it’s like outside. The snow is still there though. According to the app it’s 16, feels like 6. I’m not going anywhere!

I completely understand. I am right there with you.

Made chicken and ate it. Cleaned a bit. Saw Starbucks friend. Guess that’s as social as I’m getting today.

I love my violin so much. It’s so pretty. This one is so much better than my first one I used to have several years ago. I got this one in February of this year. February 2024. It was my splurge with my tax return.

Anyway, about to practice. My lesson is tomorrow night from 7pm to 8pm.

My cat went nuts when I was practicing today. Rubbing against my legs the whole time and purring. She seems to really enjoy violin

My stomach has been totally fine for a few days and I've just added in sourdough bread to my diet. Its really weird. But I googled it and it can help with GI stuff. But like I drank 40oz of coffee today with no problem.

Its the strangest cure. Oh yeah and I went down to 2 valiums.

I filled my med box today for the week. The med box has been a huge help. People have been telling me for years to
get one.

I just love this time of year! I have my Christmas lights on and Christmas carols playing in the background

food (I guess violence too) so just big trigger box


I have done the good stuff. I walked Chili dog today, I played the music, I talked to some people, I baked (and rocked out), played with my cats, showered. I didn't use any not currently prescribed substances today OR yesterday (ay, there's the rub, me thinks). Maybe when you wake up and get told you shouldn't have been born, it's just gonna be a bad day.

I just don't care, about anything.

Just go ahead and do your thing, whatever. I just want to be left alone.

I bought Christmas presents but they're just from their wish list, so I didn't have to think about anything.

My mom texted today. She's now been cancer-free for 1 year!

Schaweeeet!!!!

Just got home from the dog shelter a little bit ago. The first dog I took outside chose to spend most of the time sitting on my lap, cuddling up to me, instead of moving around the yard. It was adorable! When I was leaving the shelter, a woman had actually arrived to adopt him-she seems like she will give this dog a good home. I also got some IV fluids today, went on a walk, and spent some time reading outside. With some gift cards I was given, I was able to buy all of the Harry Potter books. They conveniently arrived before my IV appointment so I was able to read at that and by the pool. I'm trying to be better about getting outside on the days I feel good enough to do so so I don't completely miss the nice weather that comes with winter where I live.

I have started to make a list of things I want to get done each day of break. The first week, I am not going to do any school work. But, the second week, I will have to. Something that has been really hard for me since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder is having the motivation to get certain tasks done and keeping the momentum to get these tasks that stress me out done. I used to be really on top of things. Hopefully, breaking it down to a few tasks a day, mixed in with something I enjoy, will help me tackle what I need to get done.

My friend has this and is wondering if I do too.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/healt...ation-syndrome

Such a depressing Christmas. I’m
Trying to be excited.

I
Got caught up on homework and I’m trying to not let
This class
Stress
Me
Out

I stayed up til 2:30am last night playing competitive Scrabble on my laptop, not just the casual way i've been playing on my phone lately. I thought i might get involved in it again. But by the light of day it didn't seem like a good idea. Too many obstacles. I often get unrealistic at night. I guess it was just that.

I tried a virtual social but didn't last long. Now i'm not so sure about the ones i have planned for Christmas and New Year's. I don't really have anything to say and i don't want to listen. There seems to be little reason to socialize. I preferred to lay on the sofa and listen to a random NPR broadcast online.

Off to bed in my clean bedding and clean nightgown!

@Blueberrybook:

That's great news about your mom! Such a good time of year to hear it.

@June08:

Hope your plan goes well! It makes good sense. You're lucky to be able to sit outside at this time of year. Here it is scary-cold.

@Scooter9:

Sorry to hear you're so depressed. You used to sound so keen and active about your recovery. I just want to be left alone too. You've got family to deal with, tho, where i get what i want. The famous American author Charles Bukowski wrote about he just wanted to be left alone too. It's a worthy desire.