Bipolar Check-in #85

I just got my blasted period. That explains why I've been freaking PMSing. The in-laws may not be coming up for Christmas this year. I really, REALLY hope they don't! I don't want to be mean or anything, but it would really save me a lot of stress and panic. I was upset this morning because my husband usually has off on Mondays and we were planning a family day (which we never get because he works every Saturday and Sunday from 9AM - 11PM), but one of his stupid coworkers said he couldn't come in, so now he has to do an open to 11PM.

So much for our family day.

And now I have to do all the stupid baking for Christmas at his mom's house on my own and we're not going to be able to pick up my meds until Tuesday.

God. I'm going to start crying again! I'm just so stressed out!

And it's freezing out, and tomorrow is technically going to be the second day of my period, which is when I'm in the most excruciating pain, and Daughter is going to want to walk to the freaking store.

Ugh!!! Just.... FUDGE.

At least we have all the Christmas presents wrapped (including the ones for the cats lol). And I'm getting closer to being caught up on ezine submissions.

I'm just so... upset about Monday!

😭😭😭😭

@Scooter9

I'm sorry you're so depressed. I understand how it feels to just want people to leave you alone. 🫂 ❤️

My therapist must not have a life. Or a work life balance or some ****. She emailed me at 8:30 tonight about our appointment. If we could move it up 15 minutes later. I don't email her on the weekends because I assumed she did have a work life balance. She also said she hoped I was feeling ok. I waited 15 minutes to respond to her and then she immediatly responded back. Lol.

I slept again from 5-8:30. I ate corn for dinner. My anxiety is off the walls for some reason.

This anxiety sucks. I took 2 valium. My therapist mentioned awhile ago about running my hands under cold water when I'm anxious. No way. I can't stand being cold. I need to be warm in order not to be anxious.

But is it werid to have your therapist email you on a Saturday night when your mind is far away from her?

I took a 3rd valium and my AM meds and I turned on Bing Crosby christmas music and I'm flying high now

My car has a CD player and I have a radio with a player, so of course I usually listen to CDs, but they had a three month trial of apple music, so I had to get it. It's the greatest thing ever!!!!!

There was this song I listen to a lot by Nessa Barrett called "die first" basically every time I idealize a person, but I listened to a lot more of her songs and OMG so relatable and then I read descriptions and, of course, wrote her second album, which is my favorite, (young forever) after being diagnosed with BPD. I normally am not a pop listener, but this shyt is great.

I'm ready to make a potato clock out of my brain though.

Good morning, slept really well. Currently laying on the couch with a blanket and my kitty and some decaf coffee. It’s currently 5 degrees outside, was 0 degrees when I woke up.

Plans for today are to practice my violin and then my lesson at 7pm to 8pm.

Currently re-listening to the audiobook the Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday.

I'm just chilling out today. I feel pretty good. I got my anxiety under control. I worked out and I'm rewatching season 12 of a TV show before season 17 comes out on the 3rd of january. I'm glad I pulled myself away from watching the news nonstop.

I really don't have any plans until Christmas. Just watch TV and relax. Oh yeah, and therapy on Monday. I don't think either of us really want to do it.

Passed my new instructor's course and got the certification There are a bunch more courses, so I started one that's specifically for teaching first-timers. The quizzes are sooo easy though they're like "should you jump off the lift if you drop something?" or "is it a bad idea to stop below a roller?"

You can do a children's specialty and I think I might take that course too

Awesome @MuddyBoots!

Today is Sunday my nothing day. I stay in pjs all day. I refill my weekly med box and take a shower and put on fresh pjs, but I don’t interact with people. Today there is a sing-a-long in the community room but I don’t do sing a longs. I suppose I could go down just to be social but nah. I treasure my alone time. I often don’t wear my hearing aids just revel in the silence. Never have to wonder what’s making those weird sounds I can never identify. Don’t have to work hard trying to work out what people are saying. Just a relaxing day.

@Nammu - Oh, how I wish I could stay in PJs all day and lounge in bed late. That sounds absolutely lovely!

I slept very well last night I've had a productive day so far today. I did pilates, showered, had breakfast, went to the grocery store for curbside pickup, put away groceries, chopped vegetables for a stew I want to make for dinner, read & used the SAD lamp, sketched, and am currently baking cranberry chocolate chip blondies (bar cookies) since I got a lot of dried cranberries from the food bank the other week. I hope the blondies will turn out since it's just a recipe I printed off the internet. Same for the stew, live dangerously, right? In the middle of mixing up the blondies, I realized I did not have cinnamon, such a simple ingredient, I always assume I have some on hand. I didn't feel like going to the grocery store, and Walgreens is very close to my house, so I figured they should carry cinnamon. I guess there was a run on cinnamon there because I got the last bottle.

Feeling pretty good, anxiety isn't too bad but I did have to take the extra 50 mg Seroquel. Going to read a bit, brown the stew meat and start the stew cooking. I think the SAD lamp is helping me. At least I'm not having so many SI thoughts and thoughts of death & dying. All in all, doing pretty well today

My sketches:

Good morning lovely people

I’m in a good mood. I’m stable, not hypomanic. It’s the festive season and a time to be happy and grateful for all in my life. 2 more sleeps til Christmas, as my 6 year old son keeps reminding me lol. We leave tomorrow f our 3 day vacation at the beach woohoo.

Having really bad dissociation right before my lesson. My lesson is about an hour and a half away so hopefully it goes away by then or at least settles down a bit.

Congrats @MuddyBoots !

Blueberrybook those are very nice sketches

I feel crazy sick right now.

I'm getting another migraine. I ordered some more sourdough bread and some mozzerella cheese wrapped in thin salami stuff.

I need to just sleep this off and then eat later.

My mom suggested I ask my primary doctor for migraine meds. My pdoc would probably be like "thats a no, dog." But I get them a lot and sometimes my pdoc just needs to go suck it.

I ordered more protein shakes from Sams Club. I tried eating some brussel sprouts for dinner but I ordered the wrong kind and I'm just like eff it. Too much pepper.

How do you know if something is wrong if you can feel it but can't pinpoint excatly what is wrong?

Its just my pdoc is an *** and has issues with everything for my physical issues. I had to really fight to get him to agree to my stomach med.

I've been on opiates after surgery and taken xanax at the same time and I've been given fentaynal during procedures and took valium 6 hours later. Not a big deal if you do it the way the nurse tells you to.

I ordered a new controller for my Xbox. My old controller broke. I had it for 6 years though so it lasted a long time. My cat knocked it down from a high shelf and that’s what broke it lol. Oh well now I’ll have a new controller so I can finally play my Xbox and PC games again 😃

today is so anxiety filled. ugh. my poor tummy. i have so much homework due this next week its crazy. i hate recording therapy sessions and posting them on my class webpage for critque but thus is the way with social work school. we critque each others skills. im learning motivational interviewing. good class. just chaotic and unorganized so bad. my professor is really nice though

Nobody can take me to my allergist appointments one and two months away so I think my insurance will pay for rides to and from appointments. I’ll have to call about that.

Had a fantastic lesson. My teacher is awesome.

I feel like I'm going to die or go crazy. My mom is telling me to just drink water. I have 2 empty bottles on my bed. Idk. I didn't actually do anything bad today. Things are just kinda a mess.

Btw does anyone else have LadyShadow as someone they may know on Facebook? I couldn't resist it when she gave her full name the other day. And her Facebook name.

Congrats @MuddyBoots!

Today has gone well. Went to Mass, treated myself to some take out for lunch, called my mom (could have lived without this though), went to read at Starbucks, went on a walk, and my two month supply of electrolytes arrived. I have a subscription for my electrolytes so I automatically get a shipment of 4 boxes every other month.

I currently have laundry in the dryer. I got my laundry started later than I should have so, by the time it is done in the dryer, I'm not sure that I will fold it and put it away tonight. I've decided I am going to set an alarm while I'm on break-but just for 8 am so not to early. I might not get out of bed right away, but I don't want to sleep the entire day away or mess up the sleep schedule when I have to work too much (I get up around 5:30 am when I have to work).

I'm feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed this evening, now that I don't have much to do, but that is what it is I guess. Overall, I am happy with how today has been.

I am done. I can't take this anxiety or whatever it is.

I took tommorows AM meds and more dramamine. I need to just relax now. I kinda hate everything.

Thanks guys! I completed the second course too. Now I just have to find an on-snow school program.

It's been a rough night though. I'm just feeling lonely, mediocre, unloved, empty, damaged, the list goes on....made a thread of my own because it gets a intesne. I don't know whether to tell the med nurse in the morning or my case manager in the afternoon or neither. Or if I should show the nurse because it's pretty bad. And tell her how much I took. I don't want to say what I took because then I'd have to explain why I have it too.

I was uncomfortable in the daytime as per usual but managed a load of laundry and a shower so i didn't do too bad. It's nice to be clean! Tonight i started listening to a long comedy podcast and got laughing. I have that to look forward to as it's six hours long. There was a fun bit about teen boys going to a diner and loading the jukebox with 28 repetitions of Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?" The customers lost their minds! Haha!

@Blueberrybook:

Hope your culinary adventures went well! I admire your energy and verve!

@Nammu:

It sounds like you have a nice routine with lazy solitary Sundays. Hope you enjoyed it!

@Crazy Hitch:

You are the rare person here who is looking forward to Christmas. Must be nice! Enjoy your beach vacation!

@June08:

Enjoy your 8:00am sleep-ins! Setting an early alarm was one of the things i most hated about working, and 5:30am is absurd to me now. I so enjoy not having to set an alarm!

@raspberrytorte:

So sorry the lightbox did not work out for you, but thanks for sharing your experience here. I don't think i will pursue it as the risk of hypomania is very high for me so i'd probably react more like you. It's just too risky.

@Blue_Bird:

Glad your violin lesson went well! You really have a lot of spirit!

I got a message saying medicare is requiring I see my pdoc in person annually. Idk if that means once a year and they will pay for telehealth the other times? If its only once a year I can work it out. I know I really need to just dump this guy and find someone 5 minutes from me but I'm still unsure what a new doctor would do with my valium.

12:34am. So if is officially Christmas Eve and I can’t sleep.

After tossing and turning for what feels like AGES I eventually thought stuff it, got up, made coffee and I’ve been packing a few things for our vacation today. WOOHOO 🥳!

I'm doing pretty good today. I power-walked and jogged quite a long distance this morning, showered, had breakfast, read while using the SAD lamp, did a load of laundry, and sketched. Will probably read this afternoon and I have a pork roast I need to cook, so that I will have to start early. I am so psyched that my stew turned out perfectly yesterday, and I even made a special trip to Panera Bread to buy a loaf of french bread to go with it. I hope my roast will turn out this evening; you never know with recipes you print off the internet.

Still not in the Christmas mood though, the tree is up but not decorated. H did buy presents for my daughter (braving the mall yesterday), but they are not yet wrapped. I hate wrapping gifts. We got invited to dinner Christmas night with some friends of ours, well really more friends of my daughter & husband. Doubt we'll make it to a church service, we haven't been in years.

So overall, doing okay. A view of the day's sketches, I don't think the cookie turned out well though