Bipolar Check-in #85

Oh, I had a terrible night. I finally fell asleep and woke up at noon. Bizarre dreams of working at a mmm I’m not sure. We the workers all had wheelchairs and push carts. The children were fine.

I’ve got to go soon to pick up my food. We get no lunch this week. So I need food for the house. Oh it’s hard to get moving though, the dream is still vivid.

@JaneOnceMore

I feel kinda bad I turned you off from light therapy lamps. I think I'm just a weirdo because they've been working for other people on here. We still have to return mine. Haven't had the time yet. I'm definitely not using it again! But I don't want you to not try it just because I had a bad reaction.

Sigh. The in-laws are coming. I just want it to be Thursday. I made chocolate covered pretzels yesterday and have to make peanut butter cookies and my tofurkey ham today (never had one of those.... thought I'd try it). I also was going to dye my hair again because my roots are kinda showing, but I don't know if that's happening.

Oh, geez. You think you're doing so well and then...BOOM! Auditory hallucinations! I haven't had those in awhile, time to throw a few in again, I guess. I haven't taken my extra 50 mg Seroquel yet, going to take it as soon as I get off this forum. I hope it helps.

I should also say I'm having some major issues with font size on this forum, tried everything to fix it, but only seemed to make it worse, sorry about that if it reflects in my posts.

I woke up around 8am and took my morning meds. Then fell back asleep/crashed on the couch for like 4 hours cause my morning meds make me super tired. Haven’t been up to much today. Gonna practice violin later. That’s about it. I did laundry, I need to finish cleaning tomorrow because my sister is coming over on Christmas Day. Feel pretty good mood wise. Have a slight headache due to caffeine withdrawal.

Bought/ordered a variety box of lil Debbie snack cakes. So there’s a variety of 5 boxes coming. I also bought a variety thing of poptarts. So there’s 5 boxes of those coming of various flavors. My favorite is the Oreos flavored one. Yay for junk food. Idk it’s the holidays so who cares, sometimes treats are nice.

My neighbor got some cat treats for my cat for Christmas

I have that 23rd of December feeling. Like just hurry up Christmas. I have a crap appetite but I've eaten decently. I ordered 3 big boxes of protein shakes last night. Idk. I'm doing good though once I shot myself in the stomach with my weekly stuff. My therapist is going on vacation in a couple weeks for awhile and she seemed nervous when she began telling me. Like some of her clients gave her a hard time. I just asked if she was going to a particular tourist destination. I'm a pretty easy client these days. I just had to get organs removed.

So my family came after me for not being involved in their lives for the past few weeks.

They blame changes in my meds. They're just looking for reasons. The reality is it's because of them. I just had enough, so I'm through now.

You know, because I'm not doing it, they're not taking care of the driveway even though it snowed, they didn't want to put up the tree so there aren't any decorations this year. Whatever.

As long as they leave me alone, I'm good.

They come after me once in a while, but I can ignore them.

One of my kids said he plans to leave because of my behavior. I said, you're looking for someone to blame, I stand tall and point to myself and say, yes, blame me. Go ahead. I won't stand in your way.

Oh and I've been experiencing brain zaps because of withdrawal from Prozac. My pdoc said it should be fine, but she doesn't have to go through this.

And I gained another 10 pounds! 300 pounds, here I come!

I’m dissociating again. I hate myself

Oof the traffic was awful. I had to go pick up my food. I ordered a holiday meal for two. It will feed me for two weeks. Have the holiday potatoes and green bean casserole in the oven. In ten minutes I add the ham. There’s still more things in the refrigerator. But it will take me a while to eat it all. I forgot the wine. There was so many people and I ran into so many people I knew that I got flummoxed and forgot. Oh well, can do without it. No biggie. Got the cake for tomorrow. Off that’s gonna be a headache. Getting all the food and presents into the car. One present I didn’t even take out of the Amazon box, it’s huge bottles of paint and canvases. I’ll be glad when tomorrow is over. Christmas Day I plan to hide in my apartment.

Dou you think the stress of the holidays is causing you to dissociate more? I know I dissociate more at times of stress. Don't panic, you'll get throught it. Can you find something distracting to watch or a game to play? Or maybe listen to music, try to focus on the lyrics?

@Nammu That is why I am staying put and away from all stores until after Christmas and probably the day after Christmas as well! I'll go walking in the neighborhood, and in a pinch drive to Walgreens if it's something I really need that they might carry, but all grocery stores & other stores are off-limits for me!

It might be, I have been dissociating more frequently lately. I guess I’m kind of nervous about my sister coming over on Christmas Day. Right now I’m watching the Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power series on Amazon prime and that’s doing a good job at distracting me. I might read some if I can focus tonight

I didn't sleep very well last night. I slept very light, kept waking up, overheated, and my roommate's cat was messing with my hair for a bit. I still had enough energy most of the day though. Crashed around 2:30 pm or so despite having coffee. I had some irritability today-I'm hoping my struggle to sleep and irritability aren't signs that a bipolar episode is on the way.

It's 5 pm where I live and I've run out of things to do already. I was able to get outside for a bit again today, so that was nice. And, my neighbor brought over some Christmas cookies. But, it's once I reach the time of day when I don't have anything to do that my mood can slip into a depression really fast. I would say I always have a slight level of depression these days, so the boredom and loneliness of down time can easily make it worse.

I do need to cook some food for the next few days, so I am going to work on that as soon as I'm done on this forum.

We leave for vacation in 2 hours. I’m so excited I don’t quite know what to even do right now lol

I woke up at 10 am. Thought my Pdoc appointment was at 11. Also was seeing case manager after at 10:30. Well I arrived at 10:20. Pnurse wouldn’t see me. Plus they rescheduled me for the time I have physical therapy! So I’ll have to reschedule for earlier in the day but I don’t think they’re open tomorrow:. Case manager and I got a lot done though. And my case coordinator from my primary’s office called and says she can hook me p with a ride twice to see my allergist 40 miles away! Everybody else in my family is busy on those dates.

I took Saturdays valiums which meant I only had 1 for today. And my mom found out and is annoyed that I'm still not taking them correctly and I'm super anxious right now only being with one today. Blah. Maybe I'll do something else that is dumb just so I can get some peace.

So, I might be a tad hypomanic. I've been having some demonic type thoughts this evening which is one of the most consistent signs I have that something is off. This made me realize I have been a little hypersexual the last few days and then there is the sleep issue last night and the irritability today. Right now, I feel a little euphoric too/like I could conquer anything and everything I want or need to. I do feel tired, but when I don't sleep my energy can be negatively impacted despite being hypomanic. Things aren't off enough for me to take an extra 1 mg of risperidone, but the possibility is officially on my radar.

@Scooter9

I'm worried about you. 😟 Why did your psychiatrist take you off Prozac? Did he give you a replacement med? Are you tapering off it? I'm sorry your family seems to be so frustrated with you. When is your next psychiatrist appointment? I hope you start to feel better.

I went in a store today. It was scary and overwhelming. I had to sit in my car for a minute before I could leave. Every time I moved I had to excuse myself for cutting someone off. They had about 30 registers going. I think I can still hear the chaos in my head .


But I got what we needed and we won't have to go out tomorrow.

This beach is EVERYTHING!

Christmas in 6 hours!

Will wish you all soon! 🎄🥳

Good morning! It’s Christmas Eve

Mostly just cleaning up my apartment some because my sister is stopping by tomorrow. Other than that just gonna read, play games, and enjoy the day

I’m not dissociating anymore, sleep always resets my brain

We had our Christmas early. V is working on a Christmas present for her friends so her new drawing tablet will help. She got that and a new mouse from us. Some books and a dungeon crating program for D&D My husband got a level, pants and book. I got light fast coloring pencils, hair dye and a pencil binder sleeve. My husband wants to exchange gifts later because I said something that made him feel bad. It wasn't intentional but it still made him feel bad. I said I don't care when we open gifts I already know what I'm getting. ( I picked it out, I wrapped it) The holiday isn't for me it's for everyone else. Picking out the best gift for everyone in budget.

M*e*r*r*y c*h*r*i*s*t*m*as !!! 🥳🎄🥰

Heh heh what dreams! Was in a tiny town in a motel/ radio station/ dinner. Stephen Colbert was there answering questions about Star Wars. There was 100 questions and he was on 92, if he answered them all he would win 100,000.00 the station didn’t have that kind of money and was looking for harder and harder questions. He was on question number 97 and I wanted a strawberry Fanta, I had to go around to the back where the dinner was, they had machines where you could get glass bottles of soda. I got back in time for the 99th question…….then my dream stopped! In the dream I heard the question s and the answers but on waking, nothing! Ooo fascinating

Anyway merry Christmas Eve.

I’ve got to get going I’m going to my daughter’s house this afternoon. We’re having lunch, then opening our gifts to each other then building gingerbread houses. Tomorrow I’m home all day.

I got up at 10 thinking it must be at least 3. Went to Tim Hortons and now all my muscles ache so I’m back in bed with the cat lay in on my hips/legs. Nothing to do anyway.