[MuddyBoots]

I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else.

Last night I was hallucinating really bad and texting a friend who called the cops. This morning I made the med nurse angry because I didn't want to take her poison. Last night I was on the floor with a knife and I have a bunch of dots from where I was going to stab myself with (b/t ribs, near the diaphragm, etc.), but I know I won't die as immortals don't. I want to though. I don't want to do this.

I also know, med wise, this is as good as it gets for my bipolar. I haven't been significantly manic since August. The other meds are worse. I don't think IP will help, but people keep saying they want me to go.

[Blueberrybook]

Well, no one can tell you what to do, and I'm not a doctor. Your situation just doesn't sound good though, and you know you are not immortal. If you're that close to the edge, maybe it is time to listen to the people you know who are saying you should go IP? Hallucinating, playing with knives, thinking your meds are poison, none of that is good.

Take care of youself

[Victoria'smom]

In your state is there a specialized unit to deal with your meds and dx's or is it just a general unit. I really feel you need to see a specialist in psychiatry that deal with your disorders that can take the time to read your notes. Have you thought about doing residential? I know there's one around me that takes about 3-4 months to get stable but Medicaid doesn't pay for that one.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think in general if someone is asking this the answer is probably yes. It sounds like things are getting worse for you and getting help before it gets really bad is probably wise. You are definitely not immortal and something really bad could happen if you let yourself believe that.

[Nammu]

I disagree with you, if you are playing with knives and think you’re immortal then yes you are a threat to yourself. But nobody can help you until you are ready to be helped. If we say go in and you do but fight ip then they let you out to soon cause that’s what you want, nothing changes. Mental illness is sort of like the first step in aa you admit you’re powerless and allow others to make decisions. Something that is terrifying for you.

[MuddyBoots]

Basically lost my shyt, ended up in a cop car, wound up at the hospital, doc said since I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself to go home (they know I can't die too. They have my blood.).

My usual IP NP who is actually an okay being said the health system has traumatized me as much if not more than my ex. Sorry if I struggle trusting a chemical cult.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you looked into wether your insurance will pay for a therapeutic community for 3-6 months?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Have you looked into wether your insurance will pay for a therapeutic community for 3-6 months?

Not covered. Never came across a residential that would take my insurance (though have only been told to look into one that didn't in MA--maybe the same one you mentioned earlier even). Last April I tried this 3 month program offered by the state but it was shyt. Like our most "educational" group was "what is education?"......[me pondering the characteristics of epistemology...]...."learning?" "YEAH! Good job everybody. Don't overdose tomorrow." (basically) The rest was astrology or talking about COVID-spiracies. They thought I was going to get them shut down for only using one out of the two pillows and I got harped on so much for that, and one night I didn't go back and the next morning had to explain I don't believe every person born in September is a neat freak, so I just left after a week.

[MuddyBoots]

Today I got the first two doses of the PRN Risperdal. Med nurse was pretty insistent on trying it repeatedly. I had intense cramps this morning, and it's day 107 of a non-cyclical cycle that varies from 19 days to three+ years, so maybe that drop of the devil's blood in me will come out soon and I'll feel exorcised. I don't know. Are periods supposed to make you think

Possible trigger:

cutting off body parts is only a bad idea because you'd regenerate in starfish fashion?

I keep calling important people and getting calls back, but my phone doesn't let me know, so I can't answer. I can't figure out what setting I have that's doing that, and I'm kinda convinced fate's forcing me to be unemployed and without my own space forever. I've been playing phone tag with voc rehab and my hopefully future landlord for over a month now. I don't know. Maybe I'm hallucinating these calls.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay, apparently in the bag there was only one dose of Risperdal. I tried it and it felt like microdosing psilocybin but with a slightly drunk twist? I was out with my mom and starting to freak out so I took it and then, yeah, did not feel like any other antipsychotic I've been on. I don't know what it is about Risperdal. I liked it though, haha. It was better than when I was overdosed on that injection and was tripping for two weeks for sure. I didn't sleep much last night. Watched the Celtics kick butt. They decreased my methylphenidate too because it was making me too tired, so I'm not sure if that's why I couldn't sleep or if it was the Risperdal, or if it's just me.

I don't know the "threshold" of when I should take that stuff. I mean, it kept me from flipping out, but I don't want to risk getting to akathisia point or delirium again or just taking it because that drunken/hallucinogenic feeling was nice.